Not baby related (long) vent/ wwyd?

Re: Not baby related (long) vent/ wwyd?

• FrozenMommy member

  May 2015

  Meh. Sounds like he doesn't care much to see you, so why care to see him? I have family that I used to be close with, but we have drifted apart, and I really don't care if I see them at all. If your dad asks why you aren't coming to the BBQ, it's because you are taking your kid out on his birthday, remember, your grandson?

  
  

  
  

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• bbiutmcph member

  May 2015

  eat111315 said:

  Long story kind of short: my brother lives in Seattle, my family lives in nj and I live in Boston. My brother is coming to visit for the first time in 3 years bc his wife's cousin is getting married near by. My sister is going to be in FL combined with the fact that they don't call or email except at holidays leads me to believe this trip is really not about seeing his family. They asked my dad to pay for their tickets (4!) but are staying at two different hotels and a beach house while they are here (both of my parents have large enough houses for them to stay at).
  
  What's really getting my goat: my dad is having a BBQ for them at his house on my sons birthday. No one has even mentioned that it's also the exact day of my kid's birthday.
  
  Plus, I texted my brother on Mother's Day that we are having another baby and have gotten no response.
  
  So the wwyd:
  1. I kind of want to show up all big and pregnant and pull a "thanks for reading my text" card?
  
  2. Not go at all. I love my brother and want to meet his twins (2.5 yo) but I think between my normally straight forward attitude and hormonal imbalances I'm going to end up running my mouth.
  
  3. Do I try to clear the air beforehand (whih would inevitably make the trip more awkward) or just bite my tongue and mail a note after they leave?
  
  Sorry for the super long post. My sister and I seem to be the only ones who don't see this as "the prodigal son returning" and she's going to be in Disney world.

  It all seems quite petty to be honest.  Why do you care who bought the tickets?  Your brothers finances and your parents are not anything you should be concerned about.  It sounds like you have a lot of negative feelings towards your brother and are already getting upset about him coming.  Has your dad said anything to you about the BBQ.  Did you already have something planned for your son?  I mean 99% of the time my kids birthdays dont fall on their actual birthday but it's not a big deal. I can see you being upset but playing devils advocate, honestly if your brother is in town for X amount of days and the party is for say the one Saturday that they are there, honestly your Dad probably wasn't thinking about your sons birthday especially if you hadn't already planned something. I don't think that's anything towards you, just thinking we should do a BBQ since your brother lives far away and this day seems logical.  Also just because your brother didn't text you back on mothers day doesn't mean you should try to do something back.  Be the bigger person. Did you say anything to your Dad when he mentioned the date of the BBQ or just get mad and fume it?  He may have honestly not realized and there is also no reason you can't have cake or even a small party with them at the BBQ.  Or plan something else for a different day and just have cake at the BBQ.  In the grand scheme of things it just seems like you are getting all mad at things yet not speaking up prior.  Despite your negative feelings about your brother maybe focus on meeting your niece/nephew for the first time, or your kids meeting for the first time.  If you go into it with all anger you will be angry.  

  
  
  

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• BbyCastillo member

  May 2015

  Bummer this is happening. I wouldn't do any of the above. I would just go on with my day celebrate my sons birthday if they didn't bother to acknowledge its his birthday and include that in their BBQ plans I wouldn't bother making time for it. That's just me ...

  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  

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• Vanessa226 member

  May 2015

  Ugh family sucks sometimes. I would go to the Bbq to show face (for your parents' sake) then leave early to celebrate your son's bday.

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• eat111315 member

  May 2015

  Thanks ladies.
  One of the big problems is that I live in boston and all of this is in nj so it's not like I can pop in say hello and pop out- it's a six hour drive.
  
  I think some of it is hormonal (hence the vent) and also there's more back story than I'm not conveying ie they've been to haiwaii, Costa Rica, San Francisco and countless other places in the past several years but can't find time to visit here?
  
  Blargh. At the end of the day, I know I'll just try to shut my mouth and to enjoy the time. It's just disappointing to finally realize that this relationship probably isn't worth salvaging.

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• katanasai member

  May 2015

  Family is difficult and complicated, and everyone has their own methods of dealing with them. Plus, you are the only person who can decide if they are worth the trouble- nobody else can make that decision for you! Either way, happy birthday to your little boy, and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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• LiveNLove44 member

  May 2015

  It sounds similar to dynamics I've heard before: brother and his wife are less connected to the family overall but parents make a point to celebrate his homecoming any opportunity they get. To be honest, the story of the prodigal son might be a good comparison, because in the end, wasn't the father merely celebrating that his son was lost and now is found? Your parents probably love all of you equally, but they also recognize that your brother is harder to engage with the family at this stage. My family is all very close, but I've noticed that since my brother got married, had a child, and moved over 8 hours away, he and his wife seem to make trips for their friends and few for family. We've had to be really intentional about talking about it and making family plans. My mom has also really struggled to the point where she dissolves into tears about having "lost" her son. She knows she's over-reacting at times, but I think to them it does feel like a loss sometimes. I really don't know much about your dynamics, but it doesn't seem like you're very close with your brother to begin with (solely based on the info above). Did you go visit them when they had the twins? Is it possible that he and his wife are more distant because they feel like you don't make an effort in their direction? Either way, I think I would still go to the BBQ. I would talk with my parents about the birthday/date of BBQ because that seems important to have out there before the date arrives, but I wouldn't let it keep me from having that time with the whole family. Overall, try not to go into it already hurting. Have a conversation with your brother and let him know you're excited to see them and hope to have some quality time with everyone. I hope it goes well! Let us know what you decide!

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• PhoenixRyuu member

  May 2015

  I think I would probably use the fact that you're pregnant and have a son's birthday to attend to, where surely if you're not having a party that day you're planning one soon, to excuse myself from the 6 hour drive, not for any unpleasant reason, but because it really is too much. If you were extremely close to your brother and missed him terribly, it would be worth the extra stress and discomfort, but given the fact that you guys have little or no relationship, forget about it and take care of your immediate family. 

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• satori15 member

  May 2015

  I would ask about having a birthday celebration at the BBQ. My father probably wouldn't remember the exact date of my son's birthday either!

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• eat111315 member

  May 2015

  I think a lot of what has been said is true about probably not as much relationship left there to begin with and I should just let it go for the 3 days they'll be here.
  I spoke with my sister who reminded me dad is a space cadet when it comes to birthdays so I'm asking to bring a cake and that's that. We'll celebrate his birthday in grander style when we get home anyway.
  
  Also- as a note we have gone out to see them. As a fellow child who moved away from home I view it as "I moved away, it's my responsibility to visit home not their responsibility to visit me". Although maybe not everyone views it that way.

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• CCasey2015 member

  May 2015

  CassidyWalles said:

  I feel like everyone's bashing on you about the birthday thing. Forget that, the one thing that caught my attention was your brother asking your parents to pay for the tickets, hotels, and vacation spots. It is one thing for your dad to help out with the tickets, but the unnecessary hotels? If your brother cannot afford his hotel (which I'm guessing he probably can't afford it just doesn't wanna pay) then he can stay with one of your parents for free like you said. I totally get your annoyance with your bro.

  I thought the samething exspecially since they are coming for his wife's cousin's wedding. It's not even like the main reason for the visit was to see HIS family & he's asking his dad to pay for it.
  
  

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