@BlueWaffleSpeshul yes, that would be a serious issue. I do not feel depressed. I just feel a little bummed that I won't get to experience a girl (not having more children) and I'm definitely not crying all the time. Actually felt better this morning and posted anyway and obviously shouldn't have.
@BlueWaffleSpeshul yes, that would be a serious issue. I do not feel depressed. I just feel a little bummed that I won't get to experience a girl (not having more children) and I'm definitely not crying all the time. Actually felt better this morning and posted anyway and obviously shouldn't have.
Dirty lurker.
I hope that you are able to get support and manage any lingering effects of your PPD from your last baby as well as manage it through the next, if necessary.
But also, I agree with the bolded. The thing is that you may not have any more children, but there are some women that will NEVER have a single child, so yes, the idea of being disappointed about sex is really hard for some to understand. I fall in that camp as never having received a single BFP yet. I feel that if you were not prepared for people to have differing opinions about your disappointment, there was no reason to post this. I feel that you should not have expected everyone to fall all over themselves agreeing with you and comforting you. It's just unrealistic.
And I am saying this with no snark or condescending tone (consider this a platonic PSA): it should go without saying, but the personality of TB forums is distinct and not palatable for everyone. Just as the tone and personality of other forums (babycenter, etc) is much more fluffy (which is why I am not a member on those forums). I think you have to take this forum for what it's worth and if it doesn't fit with you, there is no point in trying to change an established community.
This baby is baby girl #3 for us. Yes, I did want a boy to experience "boy" things with, but in all honesty I had about 2 seconds of disappointment. I then thought about all my friends who struggled and a few still struggling with infertility and another friend who lost her baby boy at 23 weeks. It definitely put things in perspective for me. I'm very grateful to be carrying a healthy baby.
I feel like some of you didn't read her entire post. And it's better to deal with emotions however unpopular than hide them, especially if you have a history of depression.
I have a sister who has been struggling to conceive for years and has been nothing but supportive of me and i was barely able to get out of bed when i first found out about this pregnancy. We were so careful and had a lot of plans this put off. Do i not love my child because i was depressed in the beginning?
It's rediculous to only expect reactions that fit your experiences.
I feel like some of you didn't read her entire post. And it's better to deal with emotions however unpopular than hide them, especially if you have a history of depression.
I have a sister who has been struggling to conceive for years and has been nothing but supportive of me and i was barely able to get out of bed when i first found out about this pregnancy. We were so careful and had a lot of plans this put off. Do i not love my child because i was depressed in the beginning?
It's rediculous to only expect reactions that fit your experiences.
I don't think that's fair. This is a public, internet forum with a bunch of strangers. The situation with you and your sister is different.
I think it's ridiculous to not expect people to have different opinions on your experience.
I think it would be worse because she has no choice but to be in my life. Coming to a birth month forum and only expecting attitudes that honor your loss or struggle is strange. Why even look at this thread if your only goal is to chastise a very valid emotion? Its not like the title left any mystery to the content. Why pour salt in your wounds and then be upset that it burns? I'll leave it at that because i feel like there is a bit of attack mode going on the past couple days on the boards and i don't really care to engage beyond this.
Nobody is attacking nobody in this thread. Are people not aloud to have their own voice @komorebi? Just like she expressed her feelings others are entitled to as well. Threads like this do make people edgy. While you may feel there is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed other may feel differently. To say people are attacking OP is the wrong thing to say but that's your opinion. I could say your attacking those that are disagreeing with OP because they are not agreeing with her. No TOU have been broken. So what is the problem with people putting their opinion across?
I think it would be worse because she has no choice but to be in my life. Coming to a birth month forum and only expecting attitudes that honor your loss or struggle is strange. Why even look at this thread if your only goal is to chastise a very valid emotion? Its not like the title left any mystery to the content. Why pour salt in your wounds and then be upset that it burns? I'll leave it at that because i feel like there is a bit of attack mode going on the past couple days on the boards and i don't really care to engage beyond this.
I think sharing our experiences that we would be happy for any healthy baby is support to OP. It's not attacking her. And no one is attacking you.
There is a huge difference between sympathy of a miscarriage and disappointment over the sex of a healthy baby. Apples to oranges there.
@missteacherlady16 being a little bummed over knowing I won't ever have a girl has nothing to do with PPD. If I have lingering effects I will most definitely manage them, but my feelings are not abnormal. If I was depressed over them and not able to kick it that would be a different story.
I think it would be worse because she has no choice but to be in my life. Coming to a birth month forum and only expecting attitudes that honor your loss or struggle is strange. Why even look at this thread if your only goal is to chastise a very valid emotion? Its not like the title left any mystery to the content. Why pour salt in your wounds and then be upset that it burns? I'll leave it at that because i feel like there is a bit of attack mode going on the past couple days on the boards and i don't really care to engage beyond this.
I think sharing our experiences that we would be happy for any healthy baby is support to OP. It's not attacking her. And no one is attacking you.
There is a huge difference between sympathy of a miscarriage and disappointment over the sex of a healthy baby. Apples to oranges there.
Everyone has their struggles and to compare yours to another's and what warrants sympathy or not is wrong in my book.
Don't let any of these posts make you feel guilty. You are totally allowed to feel disappointed about something you hoped for that didn't come through. People are treating the word disappointed like it has a much stronger meaning, but in the end being disappointed doesn't mean you won't love the child or that you no longer want it. We're all a little hormosional right now so let yourself be a little upset for a while. Get it out of your system so that you can turn it around and get ready for your new baby!
And the people who say your being pet are just trying to one up you. Don't apologize for having healthy babies.
Please explain how a reminder to count your blessings is in any way attacking you? I'm serious. Yes, this is a minor deviation from what you hoped. It's not a major disease, or anything that can alter you life permanently for the worst.
Mentioning my dead daughter is not at all out of line. Speaking to her existence & my experience helps me express a different viewpoint for you to consider. It's highly offensive to me (and other loss moms) to have to hide the grim reality of our lives because it might shock someone. My feelings are just as valid. It is unreasonable to expect anyone to simply validate your feelings because that's what you want.
I have a great amount if empathy for many pregnancy related things. Sex disappointment is not one of them because I cannot wrap my head around being upset over my kid's sex organs. It does not compute. I've had experiences that make such a thing incomprehensible. Every time I've been to an anatomy scan I prayed for a heart beat & healthy vital organs.
Did I have a preference? Sort of. However, I am just happy to see a healthy baby. The sex is just icing on the cake.
You are allowed to feel however you want & work through your feelings. This subject is emotionally charged for many, so anyone can respond on a public forum as long as they don't violate TOU. Mothers of deceased children should not have to remain quiet so as not to upset others. Our feelings matter too. As empathetic human beings we should all attempt to recognize others' experiences.
I'm sorry this was a shock to you, but no one was rude. My post was simply to alert you to the fact that this "shock/disappointment" is relatively small in the grand scheme of how things could go. My intention was to sincerely encourage you to take stock of the positive.
@Srhbgr I agree completely. I feel like everyone is talking about two different things. My being disappointed has nothing to do with the love for my unborn baby. Thanks!
Please explain how a reminder to count your blessings is in any way attacking you? I'm serious. Yes, this is a minor deviation from what you hoped. It's not a major disease, or anything that can alter you life permanently for the worst.
Mentioning my dead daughter is not at all out of line. Speaking to her existence & my experience helps me express a different viewpoint for you to consider. It's highly offensive to me (and other loss moms) to have to hide the grim reality of our lives because it might shock someone. My feelings are just as valid. It is unreasonable to expect anyone to simply validate your feelings because that's what you want.
I have a great amount if empathy for many pregnancy related things. Sex disappointment is not one of them because I cannot wrap my head around being upset over my kid's sex organs. It does not compute. I've had experiences that make such a thing incomprehensible. Every time I've been to an anatomy scan I prayed for a heart beat & healthy vital organs.
Did I have a preference? Sort of. However, I am just happy to see a healthy baby. The sex is just icing on the cake.
You are allowed to feel however you want & work through your feelings. This subject is emotionally charged for many, so anyone can respond on a public forum as long as they don't violate TOU. Mothers of deceased children should not have to remain quiet so as not to upset others. Our feelings matter too. As empathetic human beings we should all attempt to recognize others' experiences.
I'm sorry this was a shock to you, but no one was rude. My post was simply to alert you to the fact that this "shock/disappointment" is relatively small in the grand scheme of how things could go. My intention was to sincerely encourage you to take stock of the positive.
You are very welcome! One of my biggest pet peeves is when people won't just let you feel your feels. I mean there are entire threads dedicated to the weirdest things we've cried about and I can't even count the number of times I cried for an hour about literally nothing at all in my first tri, but this is not allowed? What!? Just feel your feels girl!
Don't let any of these posts make you feel guilty. You are totally allowed to feel disappointed about something you hoped for that didn't come through. People are treating the word disappointed like it has a much stronger meaning, but in the end being disappointed doesn't mean you won't love the child or that you no longer want it. We're all a little hormosional right now so let yourself be a little upset for a while. Get it out of your system so that you can turn it around and get ready for your new baby!
and the people who say your being pet are just trying to one up you. Don't apologize for having healthy babies.
@Srhbgr : can you please explain what you are trying to say here? Exactly how does one "one-up" anyone about an anatomy scan? I am wondering if I should be offended at your insinuation. Why would you say a thing like this?
OP already said she felt guilty about her disappointment. No one is trying to make her feel guilty about having healthy babies or to apologize for healthy babies? What are you saying?!
Presenting stark alternatives is meant for perspective. This seems sorely lacking in these parts. It is not pain Olympics.
My personal opinion is that of the American Psychiatric Association: this is completely normal, and also completely healthy. Once you meet your baby, you will most likely find them perfect and exactly what you wanted. So hopefully you can take comfort in that!
Love this! It makes me think of what my redneck grandma used to say (and you have to imagine it with a toothless redneck accent to get the full effect) "That there baby could come out green and you'd still love it's sh*t."
You are very welcome! One of my biggest pet peeves is when people won't just let you feel your feels. I mean there are entire threads dedicated to the weirdest things we've cried about and I can't even count the number of times I cried for an hour about literally nothing at all in my first tri, but this is not allowed? What!? Just feel your feels girl!
No one has said she can't feel a certain way. No one. Anywhere. You can quote it. She can feel any way she want & work through it. Simply that I feel like *in addition* to her complicated feelings about the sex of her child that she could take the time to truly appreciate what she has.
It can all disappear in an instant. Why would you want to waste any time with your baby with negative feelings towards something the baby (or you) can't control? Really ponder this for a moment.
A fleeting moment of disappointment is normal. Getting so worked up you need to complain to the internet? That is more than fleeting, and I do wonder about OP's PPD management.
Some feelings can trigger others reactions & their own feelings. If OP is allowed to "feel her feels"-- how does this not apply to each & every poster on the website. I'm "feeling my feels". Please allow me to do that, right?
I've never lost a child, however I have been trying for close to 3 years and each month seemed like a slight loss to us. After 3 years of trying wether it was good or bad I was hoping for a little boy thankfully I got my wish. So I slightly understand were you are coming from. I can't say for def but I'm sure it will pass and you will have a happy healthy little boy enjoy him they only stay young once
And just so nobody jumps down my throat I am in no way saying TTC is like loosing a child there is no comparison it just felt like a bit of a sting every month
I normally avoid threads like this, but I really feel like OP's post is being blown way out of proportion! And I say this as someone who struggles with infertility and understand ttc for years while watching what feels like everyone else around you getting pregnant. I am so grateful to just be pregnant, but DH and I both still had hopes for another girl. We would obviously have been happy with a boy, but were so excited when we found out baby #2 was a girl.
Also, my oldest sisters' first was a girl who was stillborn. She then went on to have two boys that she was over the moon happy about. When she unexpectedly got pregnant with #3, she was very much hoping for a girl, as this was most definitely going to be the last baby for her and her DH. When she found out it was another boy, she was disappointed. And I can totally understand where that feeling came from. She got robbed of raising her daughter, and now was never going to get another chance to do so. That is not saying that she doesn't love her youngest and isn't thrilled with her family of boys, but there is always going to be a little sadness for her that she'll not get to buy cute dresses and do all the "girly things", and get the experience of raising a little girl.
I normally avoid threads like this, but I really feel like OP's post is being blown way out of proportion! And I say this as someone who struggles with infertility and understand ttc for years while watching what feels like everyone else around you getting pregnant. I am so grateful to just be pregnant, but DH and I both still had hopes for another girl. We would obviously have been happy with a boy, but were so excited when we found out baby #2 was a girl.
Also, my oldest sisters' first was a girl who was stillborn. She then went on to have two boys that she was over the moon happy about. When she unexpectedly got pregnant with #3, she was very much hoping for a girl, as this was most definitely going to be the last baby for her and her DH. When she found out it was another boy, she was disappointed. And I can totally understand where that feeling came from. She got robbed of raising her daughter, and now was never going to get another chance to do so. That is not saying that she doesn't love her youngest and isn't thrilled with her family of boys, but there is always going to be a little sadness for her that she'll not get to buy cute dresses and do all the "girly things".
This is exactly (minus the sister bit) what I was saying just you said it a bit better haha
OP its ok! Don't feel bad. I think sometimes there is an idea on these boards that if you haven't experienced the absolute worst of all possibilities than you aren't allowed to have any negative emotions. There are of course gradients to sadness. Sometimes I feel like saying, well you didn't lose your entire family to ISIS/lose your family in the nepal earthquake/have a big chunk of your village die of AIDS/lose multiple children to Ebola so you're not allowed to grieve one child. Of course that is ludicrous and completely unfair and dismissing of a person's feelings but I feel like thats the logical conclusion to the 'be grateful your baby is even ALIVE' message. There is a lot of suffering in the world, we should never be measuring ourselves against one another.
I (and my mother) lost my 17 year old brother and stepfather a few years ago. Basically the worst thing that will probably ever happen to me and definitely the worst thing to ever happen to my mother. It didn't mean both of us weren't really hoping for a girl (for a plethora of reasons) and that we both would have been really disappointed if it was a boy. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 22 and told I would have a very hard time getting pregnant and spent a year on clomid with timed cycles with a couple of losses. I still was hoping for a girl and would have been bummed out for awhile if it were a boy. And it doesn't mean I wouldn't have loved my baby any less if it had been a boy. I know grief, I know life, I know what is important and what to be grateful for. But I still have a vision of my future, like everyone does, and when something happens that alters that vision, you can grieve for it. You can't control how you feel, all you can do is work through it in your own time and process it. You do you OP
I was disappointed too but by the next day I was getting more and more excited. It's okay to be a little disappointed as long as you know, and do, love the child no matter what.
There are always worse things to happen but it's okay to have a few moments to yourself and your feelings.
@missteacherlady16 being a little bummed over knowing I won't ever have a girl has nothing to do with PPD. If I have lingering effects I will most definitely manage them, but my feelings are not abnormal. If I was depressed over them and not able to kick it that would be a different story.
You said you can't stop crying. That signals depression to me. I don't think we were saying it would cause PPD, but that another underlying depression might exacerbate your PPD.
@curfam4 thank you!!!!!!! So blown out of proportion!!!!!! I have no idea what is going on at this point on this post. Feeling pretty good over here and like some people posted the disappointment is short lived and we're looking forward to this little guy. Thanks @Wigglesx2@csy2497(and so sorry for your loss)
@PrimRoseMama I think this is getting a little crazy. Did I say I was shocked by some responses? Yes, but I never said people didn't have the right to their opinion. I was just surprised. My very "normal" disappointment had nothing to do with PPD. Not sure how this means that my PPD wasn't managed well they are in noway related. A lot of things are being said that are in no way a reference to anything I posted. Oh and also, who's to say I didn't have a "fleeting moment" ?!!! people are in theinternet and the bump posting all kinds of posts about food, worries during pregnancy etc. How does posting this topic on the bump make it more than a "fleeting" moment. I've seen posts about people worried about certain foods. Does that make them a serious issue?!! No!!!!!!
@PrimRoseMama I think this is getting a little crazy. Did I say I was shocked by some responses? Yes, but I never said people didn't have the right to their opinion. I was just surprised. My very "normal" disappointment had nothing to do with PPD. Not sure how this means that my PPD wasn't managed well they are in noway related. A lot of things are being said that are in no way a reference to anything I posted. Oh and also, who's to say I didn't have a "fleeting moment" ?!!! people are in theinternet and the bump posting all kinds of posts about food, worries during pregnancy etc. How does posting this topic on the bump make it more than a "fleeting" moment. I've seen posts about people worried about certain foods. Does that make them a serious issue?!! No!!!!!!
1) You didn't say others couldn't opine. Others did, but you have made it seem like dissenting opinions are somehow victimizing you.
2) It appears you feel the very pressing need to defend your feelings. No one has said that you are a bad person for feeling this way (well except your husband, but that's beyond our control). Simply that they can't empathize with your feelings.
The reason others are mentioning concern about your PPD is :
a) you mentioned it. If it wasn't related there is no reason to bring it up, right?
b) Folks care about your mental health. Even if I disagree with you about this topic-- it does concern me that you feel compelled to go to the deuce over it here in this post. That is not a healthy reaction to simple differences of opinion. Do you see what I mean?
I'm not sure you are thinking clearly with regards to this issue. People disagree with you. If it's really no big deal then let it go.
I don't think you are horrible or have no right to your feelings. I think perhaps you might be fighting just to fight or "be right".
Have you considered journaling or blogging your feelings? That way you don't have to deal with reactions/opinions that bother you.
I think it's perfectly normal for someone to prefer one sex over the other, maybe not for a first child, but ones after that. Even though some people get the opposite of what they wanted, I've never heard anyone say they regretted that child. Of course they are going to love their child and protect them no matter what !
@PrimRoseMama wow just WOW!!!!' My husband and I are on the same page exactly at this point not that I have to explain that to you! He definitely didn't say I was a "bad person"!
You are fighting this more than anyone else on here including myself. I am just writing back to things that are posted to or about me. You are arguing with others. I think maybe you need to think about that and if you need to work through some issues. I don't mean that sarcastically, but you seem very angry. I am so sorry for any losses you or anyone else has had, but my feelings are not ridiculous or abnormal just because I'm not in your shoes. We all have our moments.
I brought up my PPD, but not nearly as seriously as you are making it out to be. Do I still have some hormonal things going on Sure, but most pregnant women have them to. Based off of this post it's pretty obvious.
I'm having a perfectly great day and it's pretty ironic that some posts make it look like I'm having a mental breakdown over here! Lol never in my OP did it look like that to me and I'm so glad that others agree how blown out of proportion this has become.
I think it's perfectly normal for someone to prefer one sex over the other, maybe not for a first child, but ones after that. Even though some people get the opposite of what they wanted, I've never heard anyone say they regretted that child. Of course they are going to love their child and protect them no matter what !
But sometimes people don't. My friend was made to feel like a failure her entire childhood because she wasn't the boy her dad wanted. When people have violent reactions to the "wrong" sex, there is a legitimate reason to be concerned.
@PrimRoseMama wow just WOW!!!!' My husband and I are on the same page exactly at this point not that I have to explain that to you! He definitely didn't say I was a "bad person"!
You are fighting this more than anyone else on here including myself. I am just writing back to things that are posted to or about me. You are arguing with others. I think maybe you need to think about that and if you need to work through some issues. I don't mean that sarcastically, but you seem very angry. I am so sorry for any losses you or anyone else has had, but my feelings are not ridiculous or abnormal just because I'm not in your shoes. We all have our moments.
I brought up my PPD, but not nearly as seriously as you are making it out to be. Do I still have some hormonal things going on Sure, but most pregnant women have them to. Based off of this post it's pretty obvious.
I'm having a perfectly great day and it's pretty ironic that some posts make it look like I'm having a mental breakdown over here! Lol never in my OP did it look like that to me and I'm so glad that others agree how blown out of proportion this has become.
PPD in and of itself is serious. If you don't feel it was serious, it was more likely baby blues and not PPD.
I feel like you're missing the point. Your original post said you can't stop crying. YOU brought up that it was a shock so soon after your PPD. You said you were a mess. Now you're backpedaling and say it isn't that serious. We only went off of your initial post.
You are very welcome! One of my biggest pet peeves is when people won't just let you feel your feels. I mean there are entire threads dedicated to the weirdest things we've cried about and I can't even count the number of times I cried for an hour about literally nothing at all in my first tri, but this is not allowed? What!? Just feel your feels girl!
No one has said she can't feel a certain way. No one. Anywhere. You can quote it. She can feel any way she want & work through it. Simply that I feel like *in addition* to her complicated feelings about the sex of her child that she could take the time to truly appreciate what she has.
It can all disappear in an instant. Why would you want to waste any time with your baby with negative feelings towards something the baby (or you) can't control? Really ponder this for a moment.
A fleeting moment of disappointment is normal. Getting so worked up you need to complain to the internet? That is more than fleeting, and I do wonder about OP's PPD management.
Some feelings can trigger others reactions & their own feelings. If OP is allowed to "feel her feels"-- how does this not apply to each & every poster on the website. I'm "feeling my feels". Please allow me to do that, right?
OP its ok! Don't feel bad. I think sometimes there is an idea on these boards that if you haven't experienced the absolute worst of all possibilities than you aren't allowed to have any negative emotions. There are of course gradients to sadness. Sometimes I feel like saying, well you didn't lose your entire family to ISIS/lose your family in the nepal earthquake/have a big chunk of your village die of AIDS/lose multiple children to Ebola so you're not allowed to grieve one child. Of course that is ludicrous and completely unfair and dismissing of a person's feelings but I feel like thats the logical conclusion to the 'be grateful your baby is even ALIVE' message. There is a lot of suffering in the world, we should never be measuring ourselves against one another.
I (and my mother) lost my 17 year old brother and stepfather a few years ago. Basically the worst thing that will probably ever happen to me and definitely the worst thing to ever happen to my mother. It didn't mean both of us weren't really hoping for a girl (for a plethora of reasons) and that we both would have been really disappointed if it was a boy. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 22 and told I would have a very hard time getting pregnant and spent a year on clomid with timed cycles with a couple of losses. I still was hoping for a girl and would have been bummed out for awhile if it were a boy. And it doesn't mean I wouldn't have loved my baby any less if it had been a boy. I know grief, I know life, I know what is important and what to be grateful for. But I still have a vision of my future, like everyone does, and when something happens that alters that vision, you can grieve for it. You can't control how you feel, all you can do is work through it in your own time and process it. You do you OP
@PrimRoseMama wow just WOW!!!!' My husband and I are on the same page exactly at this point not that I have to explain that to you! He definitely didn't say I was a "bad person"!
You are fighting this more than anyone else on here including myself. I am just writing back to things that are posted to or about me. You are arguing with others. I think maybe you need to think about that and if you need to work through some issues. I don't mean that sarcastically, but you seem very angry. I am so sorry for any losses you or anyone else has had, but my feelings are not ridiculous or abnormal just because I'm not in your shoes. We all have our moments.
I brought up my PPD, but not nearly as seriously as you are making it out to be. Do I still have some hormonal things going on Sure, but most pregnant women have them to. Based off of this post it's pretty obvious.
I'm having a perfectly great day and it's pretty ironic that some posts make it look like I'm having a mental breakdown over here! Lol never in my OP did it look like that to me and I'm so glad that others agree how blown out of proportion this has become.
I feel so guilty that I'm upset and my husband thinks I'm a jerk. I know it's going to be great for my 1 year old (they'll be 16 mths apart) and hopefully best friends. I know all the positive things I should be thinking, but I just can't help, but be disappointed and I keep crying! Having this baby so soon was a shock after having PPD with my son and having to come to terms with never having a girl is tough for me for some reason. I feel like I'm being ridiculous and I am thrilled he's healthy, but just a mess.
Maybe you need to read your OP again. Particularly the bolded.
I think it's perfectly normal for someone to prefer one sex over the other, maybe not for a first child, but ones after that. Even though some people get the opposite of what they wanted, I've never heard anyone say they regretted that child. Of course they are going to love their child and protect them no matter what !
But sometimes people don't. My friend was made to feel like a failure her entire childhood because she wasn't the boy her dad wanted. When people have violent reactions to the "wrong" sex, there is a legitimate reason to be concerned.
Wow I couldn't imagine ! That would be terrible hard on a child. I'm glad I never met anyone like that, I'd have a few choice words !
@emmawoodhouse definitely not a "violent reaction" and "jerk" and a "bad person" are two different things. That's all I really said.
@BlueWaffleSpeshul it is an extremely serious thing and that's not what meant in my post. I had PPD not baby blues, unfortunately. What I was referring to was how my PPD is still related to some of my emotions now, but the pp was making it seem more serious in relation to the sex of my baby. The two are not very much related. My son is a year old so I'm definitely not in the early stages. Just wanted to clarify what I said.
Re: Found out last night I'm having another boy and I'm so disappointed!
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
I have a sister who has been struggling to conceive for years and has been nothing but supportive of me and i was barely able to get out of bed when i first found out about this pregnancy. We were so careful and had a lot of plans this put off. Do i not love my child because i was depressed in the beginning?
It's rediculous to only expect reactions that fit your experiences.
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
And the people who say your being pet are just trying to one up you. Don't apologize for having healthy babies.
Mentioning my dead daughter is not at all out of line. Speaking to her existence & my experience helps me express a different viewpoint for you to consider. It's highly offensive to me (and other loss moms) to have to hide the grim reality of our lives because it might shock someone. My feelings are just as valid. It is unreasonable to expect anyone to simply validate your feelings because that's what you want.
I have a great amount if empathy for many pregnancy related things. Sex disappointment is not one of them because I cannot wrap my head around being upset over my kid's sex organs. It does not compute. I've had experiences that make such a thing incomprehensible. Every time I've been to an anatomy scan I prayed for a heart beat & healthy vital organs.
Did I have a preference? Sort of. However, I am just happy to see a healthy baby. The sex is just icing on the cake.
You are allowed to feel however you want & work through your feelings. This subject is emotionally charged for many, so anyone can respond on a public forum as long as they don't violate TOU. Mothers of deceased children should not have to remain quiet so as not to upset others. Our feelings matter too. As empathetic human beings we should all attempt to recognize others' experiences.
I'm sorry this was a shock to you, but no one was rude. My post was simply to alert you to the fact that this "shock/disappointment" is relatively small in the grand scheme of how things could go. My intention was to sincerely encourage you to take stock of the positive.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
OP already said she felt guilty about her disappointment. No one is trying to make her feel guilty about having healthy babies or to apologize for healthy babies? What are you saying?!
Presenting stark alternatives is meant for perspective. This seems sorely lacking in these parts. It is not pain Olympics.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
It can all disappear in an instant. Why would you want to waste any time with your baby with negative feelings towards something the baby (or you) can't control? Really ponder this for a moment.
A fleeting moment of disappointment is normal. Getting so worked up you need to complain to the internet? That is more than fleeting, and I do wonder about OP's PPD management.
Some feelings can trigger others reactions & their own feelings. If OP is allowed to "feel her feels"-- how does this not apply to each & every poster on the website. I'm "feeling my feels". Please allow me to do that, right?
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
And just so nobody jumps down my throat I am in no way saying TTC is like loosing a child there is no comparison it just felt like a bit of a sting every month
Good luck everyone
I normally avoid threads like this, but I really feel like OP's post is being blown way out of proportion! And I say this as someone who struggles with infertility and understand ttc for years while watching what feels like everyone else around you getting pregnant. I am so grateful to just be pregnant, but DH and I both still had hopes for another girl. We would obviously have been happy with a boy, but were so excited when we found out baby #2 was a girl.
Also, my oldest sisters' first was a girl who was stillborn. She then went on to have two boys that she was over the moon happy about. When she unexpectedly got pregnant with #3, she was very much hoping for a girl, as this was most definitely going to be the last baby for her and her DH. When she found out it was another boy, she was disappointed. And I can totally understand where that feeling came from. She got robbed of raising her daughter, and now was never going to get another chance to do so. That is not saying that she doesn't love her youngest and isn't thrilled with her family of boys, but there is always going to be a little sadness for her that she'll not get to buy cute dresses and do all the "girly things", and get the experience of raising a little girl.
This is exactly (minus the sister bit) what I was saying just you said it a bit better haha
best wishes
OP its ok! Don't feel bad. I think sometimes there is an idea on these boards that if you haven't experienced the absolute worst of all possibilities than you aren't allowed to have any negative emotions. There are of course gradients to sadness. Sometimes I feel like saying, well you didn't lose your entire family to ISIS/lose your family in the nepal earthquake/have a big chunk of your village die of AIDS/lose multiple children to Ebola so you're not allowed to grieve one child. Of course that is ludicrous and completely unfair and dismissing of a person's feelings but I feel like thats the logical conclusion to the 'be grateful your baby is even ALIVE' message. There is a lot of suffering in the world, we should never be measuring ourselves against one another.
I (and my mother) lost my 17 year old brother and stepfather a few years ago. Basically the worst thing that will probably ever happen to me and definitely the worst thing to ever happen to my mother. It didn't mean both of us weren't really hoping for a girl (for a plethora of reasons) and that we both would have been really disappointed if it was a boy. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 22 and told I would have a very hard time getting pregnant and spent a year on clomid with timed cycles with a couple of losses. I still was hoping for a girl and would have been bummed out for awhile if it were a boy. And it doesn't mean I wouldn't have loved my baby any less if it had been a boy. I know grief, I know life, I know what is important and what to be grateful for. But I still have a vision of my future, like everyone does, and when something happens that alters that vision, you can grieve for it. You can't control how you feel, all you can do is work through it in your own time and process it. You do you OP
There are always worse things to happen but it's okay to have a few moments to yourself and your feelings.
I mean come on now.
I have no idea what is going on at this point on this post. Feeling pretty good over here and like some people posted the disappointment is short lived and we're looking forward to this little guy.
Thanks @Wigglesx2 @csy2497(and so sorry for your loss)
@PrimRoseMama I think this is getting a little crazy. Did I say I was shocked by some responses? Yes, but I never said people didn't have the right to their opinion. I was just surprised. My very "normal" disappointment had nothing to do with PPD. Not sure how this means that my PPD wasn't managed well they are in noway related. A lot of things are being said that are in no way a reference to anything I posted.
Oh and also, who's to say I didn't have a "fleeting moment" ?!!! people are in theinternet and the bump posting all kinds of posts about food, worries during pregnancy etc. How does posting this topic on the bump make it more than a "fleeting" moment. I've seen posts about people worried about certain foods. Does that make them a serious issue?!! No!!!!!!
1) You didn't say others couldn't opine. Others did, but you have made it seem like dissenting opinions are somehow victimizing you.
2) It appears you feel the very pressing need to defend your feelings. No one has said that you are a bad person for feeling this way (well except your husband, but that's beyond our control). Simply that they can't empathize with your feelings.
The reason others are mentioning concern about your PPD is :
a) you mentioned it. If it wasn't related there is no reason to bring it up, right?
b) Folks care about your mental health. Even if I disagree with you about this topic-- it does concern me that you feel compelled to go to the deuce over it here in this post. That is not a healthy reaction to simple differences of opinion. Do you see what I mean?
I'm not sure you are thinking clearly with regards to this issue. People disagree with you. If it's really no big deal then let it go.
I don't think you are horrible or have no right to your feelings. I think perhaps you might be fighting just to fight or "be right".
Have you considered journaling or blogging your feelings? That way you don't have to deal with reactions/opinions that bother you.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
My husband and I are on the same page exactly at this point not that I have to explain that to you! He definitely didn't say I was a "bad person"!
You are fighting this more than anyone else on here including myself. I am just writing back to things that are posted to or about me. You are arguing with others. I think maybe you need to think about that and if you need to work through some issues. I don't mean that sarcastically, but you seem very angry. I am so sorry for any losses you or anyone else has had, but my feelings are not ridiculous or abnormal just because I'm not in your shoes. We all have our moments.
I brought up my PPD, but not nearly as seriously as you are making it out to be. Do I still have some hormonal things going on Sure, but most pregnant women have them to. Based off of this post it's pretty obvious.
I'm having a perfectly great day and it's pretty ironic that some posts make it look like I'm having a mental breakdown over here! Lol never in my OP did it look like that to me and I'm so glad that others agree how blown out of proportion this has become.
ETA: Jinx @27alex
@BlueWaffleSpeshul it is an extremely serious thing and that's not what meant in my post. I had PPD not baby blues, unfortunately. What I was referring to was how my PPD is still related to some of my emotions now, but the pp was making it seem more serious in relation to the sex of my baby. The two are not very much related. My son is a year old so I'm definitely not in the early stages. Just wanted to clarify what I said.