Husband is not very supportive =[

beccabeeee · May 2015

im seriously at a loss right now. My husband and I have been constantly fighting. I have been extremely sick due to this pregnancy and told him soon it will get better so I can get back to being able to clean and get stuff done, but for now I've just asked him to be patient and supportive. His response is that I'm doing nothing but act like a total lazy ass and slob and don't do anything around the house. The house is a mess and I've asked him if he would be able to clean up a bit and help me out since I'm not feeling well and he complains saying it's not his job or responsibility and that I should stop being lazy and do it myself. He says I'm milking the pregnancy. I'm not though, I've been trying to do small things without making myself exhausted to the point of passing out. I've been in and out of the ER, most times I've went alone because he didn't want to go =\. I'm also the only one that works so I've been trying to rest on the days I have off. He just doesn't understand and makes me feel like crap =[
Sorry for the long rant. It just really hurts to not have my husband there for support.

imfunsizeniki · May 2015

Hold on, let me get this straight. He doesn't work.... so he's home all day... and he's not doing the cleaning or anything??? Why isn't it his responsibility???

tinydove · May 2015

Wait, he doesn't work? And he expects you to work, clean, and carry a baby? That's bullshit. I don't really know what to tell you. I'm sorry. But maybe you need to have a serious talk with him about this. That would seriously piss me off if my husband had the audacity to call me a lazy slob while I'm sick and pregnant. Especially since you are the only one working. What exactly does he do while you are at work?

beccabeeee · May 2015

He goes to school a couple times a week, which I can understand if he's home doing homework, but he's not...he's on his computer talking to his buddies playing his video games

babyhyem · May 2015

I'm so sorry you are felling this way and that this whole ordeal is happening. I hope things change around in your relationship. It does not sound healthy.

lablover920 · May 2015

^^ agreed!!! If he is not working then he can do some cleaning in my opinion! As for him not really understanding the toll growing a baby takes on women, maybe do some research for him, kind of educate him per say a bit more. Hopefully he will soon realize things and help out more!

tinydove · May 2015

beccabeeee said:
He goes to school a couple times a week, which I can understand if he's home doing homework, but he's not...he's on his computer talking to his buddies playing his video games

Sounds like it's time to man up and get his priorities straight. He's going to be a dad. I went to school while working full time, and that was exhausting. But if that's all he's doing, that is nothing like having a job.

beccabeeee · May 2015

The thing that sparks an argument between us most is that I tell him he doesn't work and if he has time for video games he should have time to clean or do something productive around the house, and his argument is that he still makes more than me (he gets paid through the GI bill for going to school after the military) which I am totally grateful for I really am it helps us out a lot. But if he's not busy doing homework I feel like that's not an excuse he can use ya know? I'm stuck working a job I really hate and don't get paid much but I do what I can and I keep it because it's something and it's better than nothing to be honest.
I'm just on the verge of tears because I just feel like I can't handle this stress right now =[

tinydove · May 2015

beccabeeee said:
The thing that sparks an argument between us most is that I tell him he doesn't work and if he has time for video games he should have time to clean or do something productive around the house, and his argument is that he still makes more than me (he gets paid through the GI bill for going to school after the military) which I am totally grateful for I really am it helps us out a lot. But if he's not busy doing homework I feel like that's not an excuse he can use ya know? I'm stuck working a job I really hate and don't get paid much but I do what I can and I keep it because it's something and it's better than nothing to be honest.
I'm just on the verge of tears because I just feel like I can't handle this stress right now =[

It's not going to kill him to do a few chores everyday. Once he's done with that and homework, he can play video games, who cares. But keeping up on cleaning isn't that time consuming of a commitment.

dp1320 · May 2015

So it sounds like he needs a reality check and swift kick to the balls. I hope he comes around and becomes more supportive of you.

chiboo9 · May 2015

Sounds like he needs a dose of 'man the eff up' with a shot to help him grow his balls.

Sorry, OP. Really. You're right. You really do need all the support and help you can get, especially from him. Has he always been like this, before the pregnancy?

tinydove · May 2015

And he can't justify his lack of work around the house with the fact that he makes more money-- he's not physically, actively doing a job right now. Ugh, I'm sorry ... this upsets me even more for you because it reminds me of my BIL.

snooker51 · May 2015

Im not going to lie, if my husband acted like that i would mop the floor with him then leave....i mean i do all the cleaning and cooking in the house but if im busy or sick he wouldnt mention anything to me about not doing it and will make an effort to help a little. Im sure your not going to up and leave him for it on the spot but i would have a very serious conversation with him and let him know its not okay to treat someone like that. He is certianly acting like an oversized toddler and needs to be corrected if not in a few months you are going to have two babies on your hands.

Sorry if i sound mean i just cant imagine letting anyome treat me that way and i wouldnt wish it on you either. I do not like disrespectful people everyone needs help sometimes.

beccabeeee · May 2015

I've told him many times that there are others out there that go to school and work full time that have it much harder than him and he just uses the excuse that he makes enough going to school so he shouldn't have to work. I'm just over being the blame for everything. When he was in the military I didn't have a job so I did everything around the house, ran errands, cooked, took care of the animals. I felt like that was my responsibility since I didn't have a job. And now that it's the other way around I feel like it's a never ending battle with him. He says the baby is doing all the work while I just sit here. That really upset me because he's seen me throwing up and crying over the toilet, he should know I'm not just "milking" it. It hurts my feelings.
I'm going on vacation to visit my mom in a couple days for about 2 weeks, it's sad that I'm actually looking forward to getting away from my own husband

ketobaby · May 2015

Sounds like he really needs a reality check. I really feel for you. The thing is he is NOT working physically at a job. He is collecting money to go to school and that is not a job. Justifying that its more than your wages is lame. He needs to be your partner in all of this not making it worse for you. Im a horrible person. I would set his video games on fire on the front lawn. Hope it works out

kidcapri100 · May 2015

Wow. Was he like this before you married him?
You can't be everything, and it sounds to me that he sees you more like his mother than his wife.
I would try to figure out where this resentment and lack of will to do nice things for you is coming from? Most likely could be from a place of fear..?

CMDD · May 2015

im not sure what anyone can say to help. it sounds like you and your husband have very different expectations on how to treat each other and what roles you play in a marriage. maybe counseling would help?

Brooke2327 · May 2015

I'm so sorry he is acting this way towards you! You absolutely do not desverve to be called any names while your working your ass off growing a baby AND still holding down a job.

My husband was pretty unsympethitic and luckily I was only sick for a couple weeks so he didn't have to put up with much. But at one point we got into a fight and I told him "my body is doing more work than yours is while your running a mathathon so stfu and leave me alone" after that he's been much more willing to help out around the house.

RSB1982 · May 2015

This does not sound healthy. He's not even willing to go to the ER with you? You deserve better. I hope he comes around soon. I'm not sure how long I could put up with this. The video games alone would drive me insane. I hope you have a nice time visiting your mom. Maybe some time a part will be a good thing.

ckenyon82 · May 2015

Apparantaly talking to him isn't going to change his mind. I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd leave. Maybe not forever, but he seems to be the kind of guy that will take a mile if you give him an inch. As long as you keep doing it, he will keep behaving this way. I know leaving sounds harsh, but it is not healthy for you or baby to be so stressed. You have to think about what's best for baby now, it's not about justify him anymore. And once you have the baby, it's not going to get easier. You're already doing it yourself anyway, leaving him won't change that.

Blake&Blair · May 2015

I don't mean to scare you when i say this...but it's only going to get worse. You have an inside baby right now, wait till that baby is outside, adds to the mess and is more demanding of you. You'll be exhausted emotionally and physically and just drained. You don't need a lazy ass unsupportive husband to add to it. I would sit down and have a harsh come to jesus talk about expectation and what your limits are. If he can't grasp that now, you need to be prepared for the harsh consequences and follow through with them. Show him you mean business.

CMDD · May 2015

I'm just wondering, is this how he was when dating and then after you married him? maybe it's extreme stress due to the pregnancy?

either way no one deserves to be treated like that and i'm sorry.

Marchmellow2 · May 2015

I'm sorry you're going though this

. I think you should try counseling and if he won't do that then I think you should leave even if it's just temporary. Or make him him leave!!! I just feel like you really need to let it loose on his ass! It's not ok to treat you like that.

My H can be a douche at times but he would totally clean and stuff if I needed help. And he works 70 hours a week. I couldn't imagine dealing with a lazy man child. I feel for you in a major way mama. Try counseling!

kmkaull2 · May 2015

I have nothing to offer but to suggest that you get into marriage counseling ASAP. Like today. Because honestly, pregnancy can be rough, but it is NOTHING compared to parenting. You guys have got to start communicating effectively and work as a team.

cmcweeney · May 2015

I am so sorry you have to go through that. Try talking to him if he's willing. I totally understand and it's not laziness or milking the pregnancy! There are days where I just go home and nap because I literally can't do anything else. He really should be helping during these times wether he works or not. Maybe a councelor would help if you can't get through to him? Maybe take a break from each other if you need to. You don't deserve that stress. Wishing you the best!

skreedrake · May 2015

He's calling *you* the lazy one? Hm, let me see... he doesn't have a job, he goes to school a couple times of week, and the rest of the time he plays video games. Yeah.... you are not the lazy one here.

Melissadmag · May 2015

He is projecting his own in-competencies onto you. If he is doing nothing but playing on the computer all day he is the lazy slob, not you. What world does he live in that he thinks he's allowed to do nothing but attend class a couple times a week and have his wife carry the entire load of working, and caring for the house on her shoulders, and try to create a baby for him at the same time? He actually thinks this is okay, is he a child? It sounds like there are a lot more issues than this going on, he has a total Peter Pan syndrome going on and should really consider growing up and acting like a man. No offense but none of his behavior is even close to acceptable. He might need to actually go to therapy because he is living in a fantasy world. Also, it might be hard to change your behavior to him, but if you're accommodating this behavior then you are only helping to enable this bubble that he lives in where he blames you for all of his failings as a man and as a person. Sorry if that came out harsh but my sister is married to someone very similar and we all just wish she would stop enabling him to destroy her life and leave him already. We would all be very excited if she would just divorce him already. It may not be as extreme in your case, but a lot of the descriptions are to the tee the same. Anyway, good luck with him.

rgz · May 2015

kmkaull2 said:
I have nothing to offer but to suggest that you get into marriage counseling ASAP. Like today. Because honestly, pregnancy can be rough, but it is NOTHING compared to parenting. You guys have got to start communicating effectively and work as a team.

This. It would be wise to get a jump on this before the baby comes and you won't have the time, money, or babysitter to watch your child while you attempt to improve your relationship, that undoubtedly be more strained with the added issues a baby brings on top of school, work, and financial stresses.

beccabeeee · May 2015

My husband refuses to go to counseling =\ I've tried so many times, he says "there is no need for some random person telling us how to live our lives and be in our business" ugh! I tried talking with him earlier and he completely shut me out, said he didn't want to hear anything that I had to say. I've admitted to him the house is a mess but I've also told him that I feel like he hasn't stepped up at all to help me when he knows I've been sick. I'm not only dealing with ms and nausea all day long but I'm trying to get rid of my kidney infections as well, you'd think he'd be understanding.

CMDD · May 2015

beccabeeee said:
My husband refuses to go to counseling =\ I've tried so many times, he says "there is no need for some random person telling us how to live our lives and be in our business" ugh! I tried talking with him earlier and he completely shut me out, said he didn't want to hear anything that I had to say. I've admitted to him the house is a mess but I've also told him that I feel like he hasn't stepped up at all to help me when he knows I've been sick. I'm not only dealing with ms and nausea all day long but I'm trying to get rid of my kidney infections as well, you'd think he'd be understanding.

i think the problem here is that you're thinking he needs to help you. why are the household chores only your responsibility?

Marchmellow2 · May 2015

With all my hormones right now I would throw something sharp at his ass! Or take that silly video game system and crush it to pieces! Lol but that's just me. I think it's time to be more stern. If my H told me he didn't want to hear what I had to say, I'd totally flip!! That's so hurtful and degrading. Your voices matters.

Also I agree with @CMDD sounds like you've let the responsibility of chores be only yours. I wouldn't say please help me. I would say "do your duties as a partner asshole!"

beccabeeee · May 2015

@CMDD I didn't exactly understand what you meant?

maceytk · May 2015

My fiancé is this, exactly. Only he works more than me so his theory is that I should have time to clean, since I have more time "off" than him. No. Just no. Becoming a unit through marriage means all things become equal. You contribute the same amount of effort you expect out of it. Sounds like he shouldn't be expecting much from you since he can't put anything in. I've battled the idea of leaving him and taking care of the things I want, need and deserve on my own. I let fear get in the way of that. But yesterday, I said no more. I'm not bringing a baby into a relationship where daddy is always yelling at mommy. I'm a strong independent woman and I can raise a child on my own. So can you. If he's not willing to step up, let him know he can step out.

Bubbz · May 2015

My husband makes more money than me by a lot AND works full time--often also pulling over time--AND repairs stuff on the side as his hobby. And he helps clean!

Not as much as he perhaps COULD, haha...but he knows the downstairs area is aaaalllll his problem, and vacuums and cleans the carpet as well as tidying up when it's due. It's all HIS mess anyway!

It's rude as hell to lay it all on your wife when she's working and you're not. Even if you're going to school.

CMDD · May 2015

beccabeeee said:
@CMDD I didn't exactly understand what you meant?

oh sorry. i meant, you and he are in this relationship together and it sounds like you both expect you to do all of the housework. sometimes when one spouse works and one is home the one at home does end up doing a lot more housework and that fits what they need. but it just sounds to me like you need support but you and he both expect you to do it all. the reason i'm saying this is because you said he should "help" you with chores instead of acknowledging that it's his house too and the chores are half his responsibility.

BostonBaby1 · May 2015

Marchmellow2 said:
With all my hormones right now I would throw something sharp at his ass! Or take that silly video game system and crush it to pieces! Lol but that's just me. I think it's time to be more stern. If my H told me he didn't want to hear what I had to say, I'd totally flip!! That's so hurtful and degrading. Your voices matters.

Also I agree with @CMDD sounds like you've let the responsibility of chores be only yours. I wouldn't say please help me. I would say "do your duties as a partner asshole!"

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this! It sounds like your husband really needs to step up to the plate and be a man. And by being a man, I don't mean leaving all of the household chores to the woman in the relationship. Being a man means doing what you have to do to take care of your family. it is extraordinarily sad that he refuses to go to counseling. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he actually does need somebody to tell him what to do because apparently he doesn't know how to be an active partner in a relationship. That's what marriage is, it's a partnership. For some couples, that means that the woman takes care of all of the chores and the man "brings home the bacon," maybe this is what he thinks he is doing by earning a higher income than you? It doesn't make any sense though. Even if he's a student, even if he makes more money, if he sees his wife sick and throwing up and going back-and-forth to the ER without him, then he is not being an active partner in your marriage. Assuming that you guys conceived naturally, he was obviously an active partner in that. He should step up and be an active partner in the rest of your lives.

I truly truly hope that things change for you. Please take the time that you're at your mothers to think about what ypu can do do change the situation.

I would suggest that you look up the 198 methods of nonviolent action by Gene Sharp.

stephydan · May 2015

If I were u I would play him at his own game and just sit on ur backside playing on ur phone or computer when at home, don't cook don't clean don't do anything at all for him, look after number 1 and that little baby inside you and if he moans just tell him you've taken a leaf out of his book and if he wants the cleaning done then he should use some if that money he gets for sitting on his ass and attending school a couple of times a week to pay for a cleaner coz ur done running round after him, ur ill ur tired and u don't need him adding to things

fiorip · May 2015

Your situation saddens me and angers me at same time, I feel for you and want to punch your husband in the face, I'm sorry because there isn't anything anyone here can do or say to change what's going on. You have to take control of what's happening, it is such a sexist position to assume women are in charge of the house and it's their responsibility.

You are both equally responsible, marriage is a partnership. I don't know what I would do in your place but know that you are not only not being supported you are being abused. He is not doing his part as a husband and the fact that he is so inconsiderate, I just can't!

Marchmellow2 · May 2015

BostonBaby1 said:

Marchmellow2 said:
With all my hormones right now I would throw something sharp at his ass! Or take that silly video game system and crush it to pieces! Lol but that's just me. I think it's time to be more stern. If my H told me he didn't want to hear what I had to say, I'd totally flip!! That's so hurtful and degrading. Your voices matters.

Also I agree with @CMDD sounds like you've let the responsibility of chores be only yours. I wouldn't say please help me. I would say "do your duties as a partner asshole!"
First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this! It sounds like your husband really needs to step up to the plate and be a man. And by being a man, I don't mean leaving all of the household chores to the woman in the relationship. Being a man means doing what you have to do to take care of your family. it is extraordinarily sad that he refuses to go to counseling. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he actually does need somebody to tell him what to do because apparently he doesn't know how to be an active partner in a relationship. That's what marriage is, it's a partnership. For some couples, that means that the woman takes care of all of the chores and the man "brings home the bacon," maybe this is what he thinks he is doing by earning a higher income than you? It doesn't make any sense though. Even if he's a student, even if he makes more money, if he sees his wife sick and throwing up and going back-and-forth to the ER without him, then he is not being an active partner in your marriage. Assuming that you guys conceived naturally, he was obviously an active partner in that. He should step up and be an active partner in the rest of your lives.

I truly truly hope that things change for you. Please take the time that you're at your mothers to think about what ypu can do do change the situation.

I would suggest that you look up the 198 methods of nonviolent action by Gene Sharp.

Did you mean to quote me? Lol. Sounds like you're talking to me lol. Xo

duckinoven · May 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a challenging time. My DH and I had a similar situation when we moved, I'd been doing all the housework, cooking, and animal care while he had to travel Mon-Fri every week. When the travel finally ended he expected me to keep doing all the work.

Finally, I lost it and told him "it's just you and me here to make sure all this is taken care of, the house, the bills, the pets, and (future) kids. If you're only doing 20% that means I'm doing 80% and I will end up resenting you for that in the long term and don't want that in our marriage". For some reason that stuck and we try our best not to keep score. We made a joke out of "nag notes" when he's put off a chore too long. Easy way to communicate without nagging him nonstop verbally.

Reality is he's your husband, I hope you two can find a way to get through this together and learn a few things along the way about each other. *hugs

littlebean1222 · May 2015

My boyfriend also gets money from the GI bill. He still works overtime every week and helps out around the house. There are things that I typically take care of , but he is always willing to pick up my slack when I am not feeling well. To me this might be an indicator of the type of father he might be (is it your job to raise the kids?) and this probably needs a very honest serious discussion. Good luck and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this added stress!

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