I can't wrap my head around the divorce opinion. I know you said you had experiences as a child that skew that view, but I'm just flabbergasted by those ideas.
I was married to what I thought was the love of my life for 5 years and he turned out to be GAY. Cheating on me with men. After a year of counseling, he was still gay and we got a divorce. You think I should never date again because I have a son? I shouldn't have the family I dreamed of? My son should never get siblings? He shouldn't experience a family unit? Why? I truly don't understand. And it's selfish of me to want those things?
I moved on and dated for a while. I met a wonderful man who I didn't introduce until we started to talk about getting engaged. My son only met one man and will never meet another.
I don't think I'm a special snowflake. I think people get divorced for a wide variety of good reasons. I think many parents handle moving on and dating in a responsible manner.
It makes me wonder about your other life experiences. Have you not seen many people do it right? Of course there is a spectrum of bad divorce with children and delicately handled situations. To say that you don't think women should date after a divorce is super narrow minded. That's fine if you believe that for yourself. I truly hope you never get the rug pulled out from under you. Your views may drastically change.
Clearly, in your case, there was no coming back from your husband being gay. I am very sorry to hear that this happened to you. I cannot even begin to imagine how that turned your world upside down. To me, this is one of those things up there with physical abuse, clinical diagnosis of a sociopath, etc. as grounds for divorce.
Of course, many of my life experiences (my parents and many other in my life with D and bad relationships) and meeting my DH have contributed to my opinions on the sanctity of marriage. Not more than 4 years ago, I had written off having a healthy relationship with any SO. I did a lot of soul searching and personal growth and came out the other side with a clear vision for my life (being in a healthy, committed, marriage with children). I've created part of that and now I am here in TB to create the next part.
To the part about dating. I never said woman should not date. This would be my stance for both me and my husband. That may have been assumed by many as I was not clear.
I've tried to go back and answer everyone's clear questions. I understand that my OP came across as strong and a sweeping generalization and I understand that not all of you agree with me. I felt that this community of women was a diverse bunch, but also open to strong opinions either way. I thank you for allowing me to expand upon my thoughts and not be judged for my views.
My UO is I hate hashtags. They serve no purpose, as you can still find things on a related topic without a stupid pound sign.
My teenage students wonder why I use "hash tags" when numbering things on the board #facepalm
Oh wow, this made me really sad...
I may or may not be flamed for this but it's ok! My UO is that I outside of a medical reason, I think it's ridiculous to get a c-section because you want to pick your baby's birthday. What are they calling it...designer birth? That term just makes me want to uuughh.
I'd like to think that these people get punished for their stupidity when they find out just how tough the healing process after a c/s is. Easier than vaginal birth? I don't think so.
YES! My poor sister would be hunched over in pain getting up, walking, and BFing her babies. Some people recover ok but my sister was in pain for weeks. PLUS most people don't realize that you can't hold your baby right after a c-section. My sister gave the baby a quick kiss and then the baby was taken to the nursery while she was stitched up. THEN on top of that you have to wait a hour in recovery before seeing the baby.
Also anti-selective c/s. I had one due to a tumor damaging my uterine lining. My OB did not want me going into labor. Anytime someone asked how/where I was going to deliver, I always told them that because I would judge it without the medical reason.
Do you understand why we find it so offensive here?
Sorry I messed up my quoting, bear with me.
I think so! I totally picked this site because y'all are focusing on science and reality, and I know 'baby dust' is soooo not those things. To me, its similar to wishing luck or crossing fingers. A non-religious way to tell people you are rooting for them. Set me straight if I missed the point.
I do know y'all hate it, I wouldn't say it anywhere but UO. Maybe I win UO after all today?
Also anti-selective c/s. I had one due to a tumor damaging my uterine lining. My OB did not want me going into labor. Anytime someone asked how/where I was going to deliver, I always told them that because I would judge it without the medical reason.
Wait, can you actually elect to get a c-section even if it's not medically necessary?? That's ridic - now i'm trying not to side-eye all my coworkers who got c-sections (I don't know their reasoning but I hope it was medically necessary - never thought to ask)
Do you understand why we find it so offensive here?
Sorry I messed up my quoting, bear with me.
I think so! I totally picked this site because y'all are focusing on science and reality, and I know 'baby dust' is soooo not those things. To me, its similar to wishing luck or crossing fingers. A non-religious way to tell people you are rooting for them. Set me straight if I missed the point.
I do know y'all hate it, I wouldn't say it anywhere but UO. Maybe I win UO after all today?
UO because it's more about loss of an infant. Equating dust to ashes... Not taken well with good reason for those that has suffered any form of loss of a child.
Do you understand why we find it so offensive here?
Sorry I messed up my quoting, bear with me.
I think so! I totally picked this site because y'all are focusing on science and reality, and I know 'baby dust' is soooo not those things. To me, its similar to wishing luck or crossing fingers. A non-religious way to tell people you are rooting for them. Set me straight if I missed the point.
I do know y'all hate it, I wouldn't say it anywhere but UO. Maybe I win UO after all today?
You need to read the thread entitled "if you could tell a newbie anything." It's an announce it and need to be read prior to posting.
Do you understand why we find it so offensive here?
Sorry I messed up my quoting, bear with me.
I think so! I totally picked this site because y'all are focusing on science and reality, and I know 'baby dust' is soooo not those things. To me, its similar to wishing luck or crossing fingers. A non-religious way to tell people you are rooting for them. Set me straight if I missed the point.
I do know y'all hate it, I wouldn't say it anywhere but UO. Maybe I win UO after all today?
Do you understand why we find it so offensive here?
Sorry I messed up my quoting, bear with me.
I think so! I totally picked this site because y'all are focusing on science and reality, and I know 'baby dust' is soooo not those things. To me, its similar to wishing luck or crossing fingers. A non-religious way to tell people you are rooting for them. Set me straight if I missed the point.
I do know y'all hate it, I wouldn't say it anywhere but UO. Maybe I win UO after all today?
You know what I find works? Good luck.
Exactly. What is wrong with saying good luck or FX?
OK, I'll take it back. I always imagined glitter when I read it and thought it just annoyed people due to silliness. I had not ever gotten that from reading it. I apologize!
OK, I'll take it back. I always imagined glitter when I read it and thought it just annoyed people due to silliness. I had not ever gotten that from reading it. I apologize!
Also, to answer your original question.
Baby dust is offensive to mother's who have had an the unfortunate experience of having to cremate their LOs
Aside from the fact that fairy dust is childish, this is an obvious and offensive trigger phrase to those mothers.
I did read the thread for a newbie. It says that you don't use the term, but it does not explain or link to why. It does not say that it is offensive, or I would not have brought it up. I know that different sites have different lingo, and believed it to be an annoyance rather than an offense. I do apologize and I won't use it again.
Also anti-selective c/s. I had one due to a tumor damaging my uterine lining. My OB did not want me going into labor. Anytime someone asked how/where I was going to deliver, I always told them that because I would judge it without the medical reason.
Wait, can you actually elect to get a c-section even if it's not medically necessary?? That's ridic - now i'm trying not to side-eye all my coworkers who got c-sections (I don't know their reasoning but I hope it was medically necessary - never thought to ask)
Yes! Ugh! I've heard it called "designer birth" and celebrities do it all the time, making it more popular.
You absolutely can- it's very popular in Brazil! Also, I know women who schedule c sections to fit around their busy schedules... Call me crazy but if you think THAT mentality is going to last for very long into parenting- good luck.
Doesn't the bible forbid remarriage after divorce? I can't recall, but that could be the reasoning behind her UO. As a person of faith myself, I don't agree with that.
Yes and no? Specifically, dating after a divorce in which one party didn't cheat or the other party was "unequally yolked" is listed as adultery in the Bible. While I think divorce is bad (obviously) and should be a last resort, I also don't agree with this.
I think it also only allows men to remarry. Women cannot.
This is why I do not I'm not a fan of the Old Testament at all.
Oh, I was thinking New Testament. There's a portion in I believe Matthew that talks about it.
Can I please jump in on this?? I know that not everyone on here is religious or cares what the Bible says on this topic, but I'd like to chime in to give some clarification. Christ trumped the OT teaching on divorce in Matthew 19. Paul also discusses it in I Corinthians 7 (in case anyone wanted to check). The two biblically allowable circumstances for divorce are infidelity and an unbelieving spouse choosing to leave a believing spouse (most people also interpret it to include situations of abuse). Remarriage is allowed in both instances, and it does not discriminate between men and women.
As a conservative Christian who is married to someone who has been divorced, it definitely bothers me to see someone hold the opinion that you shouldn't remarry in the name of being conservative. MH was basically forced to divorce his wife because she was cheating on him and was not going to divorce him, but also had no intention of stopping her affair. Life has been much easier for MH since we have been married, and my step-kids love having us all under one roof (we did not live together before we were married). Far from being selfish, I think it has been in the best interest of my step-kids for MH to be remarried and give them the benefit of a two-parent household when they are with us.
Ok, that's all from me. :-h
Me: 30 DH: 35
TTC #1 - Jan 2015
BFP on 5/13/15 DD born 1/24/16 TTC #2 - Jun 2017 BFP on 8/24/17
I did read the thread for a newbie. It says that you don't use the term, but it does not explain or link to why. It does not say that it is offensive, or I would not have brought it up. I know that different sites have different lingo, and believed it to be an annoyance rather than an offense. I do apologize and I won't use it again.
I have to ditto this. It doesn't say why not to use it in the newbie thread. It was a very popular saying when I was here 7 years ago. I was surprised to see it frowned upon. I'm sure I can speak for Jazmina when I say thank you ladies for clarifying the reason. I had never thought of that either.
Agreed, when I wason TB before it was agreed that is was tacky, but not viewed as offensive. I totally see why it is, but I don't blame anyone for not realizing this without explanation.
My UO is that it annoys me when people hate on the Oil and Gas industry. When you've given up everything that's made from oil, then you can bitch about it. So have fun with zero electronics, vehicles and anything made out of plastic, etc.....
Edit to add that I very much care about the environment and it's a balancing act for sure.
UO: I think it's perfectly acceptable to have out of town in-laws wait a month to visit a new grandchild. Hormones are raging, you're trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to tending to a child 24/7. I think it's different if they live in town and can visit for an hour or so and then leave. Dh and I had a big discussion about this recently...
UO: I think it's perfectly acceptable to have out of town in-laws wait a month to visit a new grandchild. Hormones are raging, you're trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to tending to a child 24/7. I think it's different if they live in town and can visit for an hour or so and then leave. Dh and I had a big discussion about this recently...
DH and I had a similar conversation last night. I don't want anyone knowing I'm in labor, I want to make the " baby's here" call. I also want 24 hours in the hospital with just the three of us and a week home without overnight guests.
UO: I think it's perfectly acceptable to have out of town in-laws wait a month to visit a new grandchild. Hormones are raging, you're trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to tending to a child 24/7. I think it's different if they live in town and can visit for an hour or so and then leave. Dh and I had a big discussion about this recently...
DH and I had a similar conversation last night. I don't want anyone knowing I'm in labor, I want to make the " baby's here" call. I also want 24 hours in the hospital with just the three of us and a week home without overnight guests.
It did not go over well.
Yeah, same here. These are memories you will have for the rest of your life. You don't want make yourself resentful just to keep other people happy.
This fool thought we were going to call his parents(8 hours away) and have them drive over to the hospital while I'm in labor!
UO: I think it's perfectly acceptable to have out of town in-laws wait a month to visit a new grandchild. Hormones are raging, you're trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to tending to a child 24/7. I think it's different if they live in town and can visit for an hour or so and then leave. Dh and I had a big discussion about this recently...
DH and I had a similar conversation last night. I don't want anyone knowing I'm in labor, I want to make the " baby's here" call. I also want 24 hours in the hospital with just the three of us and a week home without overnight guests.
It did not go over well.
Yeah, same here. These are memories you will have for the rest of your life. You don't want make yourself resentful just to keep other people happy.
This fool thought we were going to call his parents(8 hours away) and have them drive over to the hospital while I was in labor!
Are we married to the same person? He told me it's not my decision. I told him we could compromise but it's my vagina. His parents just got divorced after almost 30 years and they can't be in the same room...you can't even mention one in front of the other. I cannot deal and I know it will become all about them and who got to go to the hospital or see the baby first.
My UO for today: I don't like Disney *runs for fire distinguisher*
Oh no I don't know that we can be friends. this wins for most unpopular opinion in my books. What about the lion king, the music, the magic? So sad .
Oh, I want to be friends! But nope, the magic just doesn't work for me.
I'd hate to have guests staying over anytime soon after the birth. But I'm glad my parents (2.5 hour drive) and inlaws got to see DD the day after the birth. It was great to share the joy with them.
UO: I think it's perfectly acceptable to have out of town in-laws wait a month to visit a new grandchild. Hormones are raging, you're trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to tending to a child 24/7. I think it's different if they live in town and can visit for an hour or so and then leave. Dh and I had a big discussion about this recently...
DH and I had a similar conversation last night. I don't want anyone knowing I'm in labor, I want to make the " baby's here" call. I also want 24 hours in the hospital with just the three of us and a week home without overnight guests.
It did not go over well.
Yeah, same here. These are memories you will have for the rest of your life. You don't want make yourself resentful just to keep other people happy.
This fool thought we were going to call his parents(8 hours away) and have them drive over to the hospital while I was in labor!
Are we married to the same person? He told me it's not my decision. I told him we could compromise but it's my vagina. His parents just got divorced after almost 30 years and they can't be in the same room...you can't even mention one in front of the other. I cannot deal and I know it will become all about them and who got to go to the hospital or see the baby first.
Lol hell no! You should be surrounded by the people who make you most comfortable and at ease. It is not about them/a competition. Maybe you could try crying? It worked for me!
My UO: If you're not my doctor or my husband, you get no opinion on my healthcare choices. Don't be judgey.
I had two c-sections that were medically necessary. TMI-i have a history of vaginal fistulas, because of a health condition, that could rupture during labor. That type of complication could be life-threatening.
I hate that when people asked me, I felt I had to clarify that my c-sections were medically necessary. Shouldn't that be between me and my doctor? And I did get the "don't you know what a terrible choice that is?" many times. F---right off.
I also think that a pharmacist must fill a legitimate prescription. Some states allow a pharmacist to not fill a prescription because of a conscientious objection, or even for no reason at all. So that means if you're having a miscarriage, and you take medicine to help its progress, a pharmacist can, in certain states, decline to fill the prescription. They can f--- right off too.
As a side note, @ShamrockGirl518 hospitals have gotten much more progressive with how they care for c-section babies. While I was being stitched up, DH was doing skin to skin with my LO. DH was waiting with my LO in recovery and we did skin to skin immediately, and had her nursing right away. It's not perfect, but it's a huge improvement over my experience with first DD, 7 years earlier.
(Yes, I'm one of those terrible divorced ladies who had kids and dared to date again. #goingstraighttohell)
(and yes, I'm purposely staying away from the divorce/living together/conservative/bible conversation because I consider myself to be nonreligious and totally, extremely liberal)
For real UO: since this seems to be the theme today, I'm going to out myself: I am not religious, but I consider myself a religious ally. Offline, this makes me pretty unpopular with most people. While I don't practice any sort of religion, I believe that having faith can be a powerful force in one's life. One of my dearest friends plays handbells in her church choir. I go to see her perform every chance I get, and I listen to the pastor, trying to glean any philosophy that may be applicable to my life. I try to listen to my friends from all different religions. At the end of the day, though, I believe most strongly in humanity, and what we can do with this time in earth.
So that's my real unpopular opinion for the day. An atheist who supports religion??!?? I'm still working on how best to communicate this philosophy. Open to suggestions, and my apologies if I have offended you. This post was written slowly, with a lot of love.
My UO is I hate hashtags. They serve no purpose, as you can still find things on a related topic without a stupid pound sign.
I am so with you. Especially using them here...wut? ~X(
Oh. I hashtag ironically. Maybe people don't get that though?
Ditto. I don't use any useful hashtags. I use them for emphasis, comedic delivery, etc. I use hashtags like I use italics and bold... also realizing now that my intent was lost on my audience. Oh well! <:-P
Dating after divorce (with minor children): Your kids don’t need any more drama. They don’t need any more people to get attached to and wave goodbye to. They don’t need your emotional stress from the ups and downs of a romance in their parent's life. We all know kids are impressionable... Imagine seeing your mother (as a boy) dating several women and this growing up to think this is okay and "how is is done" or (as a girl) and growing up thinking that a revolving door of men is okay. <-- this was me as a child. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my mother dated and introduced us to several men in her life and then remarried when I was 9.
It is extreme, I know. But also very selfless to make sure that you develop our children in the best possible way with the right influences in their life. I find it selfish in a way, that a mother would say "what about me? don't I deserve to be happy?". When we take on the responsibilities of becoming a parent, it comes at a huge price. our focus is our children and making sure they grow up to be responsible people.
I will not judge someone if they do this, but for me and how I choose to love my life, this is how I will do it.
edit: added words
I did fine as a young child when my mom dated and remarried after my dad. I would go so far to say I did better because I was exposed to the right and wrong types of relationships and was there when my mom married a man who treated me like his own. You can't say every child will be affected the same way.
So after reading a few more replies, taking with DH and getting some good sexy time in, I would like to offer more perspective. First though, I would like to point out that my UO posted earlier are not based in religion at all. Like a PP stated, I am not religious but I do not condemn or think differently of those that use faith and scripture to back up their thoughts. When they start pushing them on others is when I have a problem. Also, I consider myself to be very liberal on many fronts, but when it comes to marriage and family, specifically raising children, I am in the minority and considered extreme. I am okay with that.
An opinion article based in facts/statistics from the Dr. I mentioned in my OP.
70% of second marriages with children end in divorce. This is staggering to me. On the flip side there are 30% that have made it work, so it is possible and from PP's its sounds like some of those are represented here. The book she mentions, Divorce Culture, has some good reviews on Amazon (I am sure there are reviews out there that oppose it as well.
My UO: If you're not my doctor or my husband, you get no opinion on my healthcare choices. Don't be judgey.
I had two c-sections that were medically necessary. TMI-i have a history of vaginal fistulas, because of a health condition, that could rupture during labor. That type of complication could be life-threatening.
I hate that when people asked me, I felt I had to clarify that my c-sections were medically necessary. Shouldn't that be between me and my doctor? And I did get the "don't you know what a terrible choice that is?" many times. F---right off.
I also think that a pharmacist must fill a legitimate prescription. Some states allow a pharmacist to not fill a prescription because of a conscientious objection, or even for no reason at all. So that means if you're having a miscarriage, and you take medicine to help its progress, a pharmacist can, in certain states, decline to fill the prescription. They can f--- right off too.
As a side note, @ShamrockGirl518 hospitals have gotten much more progressive with how they care for c-section babies. While I was being stitched up, DH was doing skin to skin with my LO. DH was waiting with my LO in recovery and we did skin to skin immediately, and had her nursing right away. It's not perfect, but it's a huge improvement over my experience with first DD, 7 years earlier.
(Yes, I'm one of those terrible divorced ladies who had kids and dared to date again. #goingstraighttohell)
I'm not in the mood to get involved in the UO divorce topic today soo.....
My UO is computer animated movies. Like Toy Story and Monsters, Inc. were awesome. But that does not mean that every animated movie needs to be computer generated. I really, really miss hand drawn animated movies. Please bring them back!!!
Re: Thursday UO
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
You know what I find works? Good luck.
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
You know what I find works? Good luck.
Exactly. What is wrong with saying good luck or FX?
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
DD born 1/24/16
TTC #2 - Jun 2017
BFP on 8/24/17
It did not go over well.
This fool thought we were going to call his parents(8 hours away) and have them drive over to the hospital while I'm in labor!
*edited tenses
Oh, I want to be friends! But nope, the magic just doesn't work for me.
I'd hate to have guests staying over anytime soon after the birth. But I'm glad my parents (2.5 hour drive) and inlaws got to see DD the day after the birth. It was great to share the joy with them.
I had two c-sections that were medically necessary. TMI-i have a history of vaginal fistulas, because of a health condition, that could rupture during labor. That type of complication could be life-threatening.
I hate that when people asked me, I felt I had to clarify that my c-sections were medically necessary. Shouldn't that be between me and my doctor? And I did get the "don't you know what a terrible choice that is?" many times. F---right off.
I also think that a pharmacist must fill a legitimate prescription. Some states allow a pharmacist to not fill a prescription because of a conscientious objection, or even for no reason at all. So that means if you're having a miscarriage, and you take medicine to help its progress, a pharmacist can, in certain states, decline to fill the prescription. They can f--- right off too.
As a side note, @ShamrockGirl518 hospitals have gotten much more progressive with how they care for c-section babies. While I was being stitched up, DH was doing skin to skin with my LO. DH was waiting with my LO in recovery and we did skin to skin immediately, and had her nursing right away. It's not perfect, but it's a huge improvement over my experience with first DD, 7 years earlier.
(Yes, I'm one of those terrible divorced ladies who had kids and dared to date again. #goingstraighttohell)
<:-P
Me: 32 Hubby: 31
Married 12/29/12
Started TTC July 2014
Miscarriage August 2014
Emmett born February 2016
Expecting Baby #2 in August 2017
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/544e80
I'm not in the mood to get involved in the UO divorce topic today soo.....
My UO is computer animated movies. Like Toy Story and Monsters, Inc. were awesome. But that does not mean that every animated movie needs to be computer generated. I really, really miss hand drawn animated movies. Please bring them back!!!
Me: 32 Hubby: 31
Married 12/29/12
Started TTC July 2014
Miscarriage August 2014
Emmett born February 2016
Expecting Baby #2 in August 2017
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/544e80