Husbands just don't understand....

j&gmiller2015 · May 2015

Last night my husband and I got in a huge fight over child care. Back story-my SIL nannies other children and offered to quit that job to help us a few days a week once the baby gets here. I offered to throw her a couple hundred dollars a month to come to my house and watch the baby while I'm a work. My husband works the night shift at Fedex (9pm-5:30am) so when we were discussing what time my SIL would be coming over he said "I'll just do it". I said do what....he said I'll watch the baby during the day while your at work. Ok put your math cap on....He will work 9pm-5:30am (8hrs), come home about 6:15am, I leave at 6:30am. Then he will watch her all day (9 hrs) until 4pm when I get home. Then he will sleep for 4 hrs until it's time for him to get up and go to work again at 9pm (let's also not leave out that he drives a tandem truck for Fedex all night long). Give or take, that puts him staying up for 17-18 hrs and sleeping 4-5 hours. He seriously thinks he can do this 4 days a week. Please for the love of God someone agree with me that this is ridiculous and cannot (should not) be done. He wants to save money and not give his sister a few hundred dollars a month. When we are really getting an awesome deal because it's cheaper than daycare and she will come to our house everyday. I'm glad he's so ambitious and willing to watch his daughter, but the human body just can't function on so little sleep. And it's dangerous considering his job is driving a truck at night time. He gets mad when I tell him he can't do it, I try to tell him that not only can he not do it, no one can do it. And we don't HAVE to do it, so why should we put ourselves through that. We have a fully capable person that is offering to help us.

Perfect Sonnet · May 2015

I agree with you that you definitely need childcare. Staying up all night at work and coming home to care for a child all day sounds like hell. However, the one thing I would urge you to do is come up with a concrete (maybe written?) agreement with your SIL, rather than just "throwing a couple hundred dollars at her a month". I know a lot of people have successful arrangements like this, but it would make me very nervous to have no real source of accountability.

Good luck! I hope your husband comes around.

SKLLH23 · May 2015

That's rough. I get what you're saying, and I agree that humans are not supposed to function long-term on so little sleep - especially when they'll be driving major vehicles. On the other hand, you don't want to discourage your husband from wanting to spend time and energy raising your LO. I don't know him, but it could be that telling him what he can or can't do is making him want to prove you wrong.

Could you find a middle ground? SIL comes mid-afternoon so he gets most of the day as just daddy-daughter time, but he can get more sleep before his night shift? Or maybe put an end-date on it, like, try it for 3 months using one system and then reevaluate how its going. That way you try it, and then determine what works best for everyone involved.

emmacake08 · May 2015

It sounds like he's in that magical land that parents can enter when everything is hypothetical. My DH and I took up residence there before our twins were born with thoughts of "they'll play together and it won't be that hard".... Utter nonsense. In truth, 8 hours of sleep is like the bare minimum we need to function for him to do a full time job and for me to watch my kiddos all day and do house stuff. You're totally right that it isn't possible. Plus, when you add in all the extra stuff of owning a house (don't know if you do),DH is always busy mowing, fixing, doing errands. We get sitters just to do chores! Maybe give him a nice-ish reality check, get all the daycare formally set up and once LO is here, I bet you'll get a "you were right". More than once DH has said, I'd rather part with $$ than to have dealt with X.

JSmith42514 · May 2015

Like @SKLLH23 said, is there anyway your SIL can watch the baby half a day just so your DH can get some rest either before his shift or right when he gets home.

And side note why would SIL quit her job watching multiple kids to just watching yours for almost free? Could she watch your baby the same time as the other children that way you don't have to pay her as much since she is still getting income?

Snooches07 · May 2015

My husband used to work the night shift from 530 to 530. And on days when I had to work, which wasn't often and his mom couldn't help out, he tried to stay up all day (on days he didn't have to work that night) and it really messed him up. I don't recommend it, he turned into a really overtired, grumpy mess and we ended up finding someone to come in and help even if it was only for 4 or 5 hours so he could sleep.

My advice, save his sanity and invest in your sister in law. Even if it's not for the entire day. But he needs sleep!! Put your foot down on this one.

j&gmiller2015 · May 2015

As I had it planned, he would watch her from when I left for work-6:30 am-until he went to bed, around 10am or so. Then SIL would come over until I got off work at 4pm. He doesn't even want to do this. I very much so encouraged him to enjoy that one on one time with her when he got home, but then he needs to go to bed after a few hours and hand the baby over to SIL for the remainder of time until I get home. She is a stay at home wife and nannies a few days a week for other people in her town, but wants to help us out and come to our house 4 days a week (she lives about 30 min from me). So she is willing to stop doing it for other people to come over to our house and help us. She's not in it for the money, she nannies bc she has teaching degree and wants the experience for future job possibilities. I'm not trying to discourage him from spending time with his daughter, but quality over quantity. He's not spending quality time with her if he's tired and grumpy, sure he would be with her all day, but who wants to be around that person all day. A few hours a day when he gets home from work is quality time, when they can actually enjoy each other.

ChristyM87 · May 2015

I work with moms who work all night and then go home and watch the kids during the day. I honestly don't know how they function. Sure, the family saves a ton on child care, but these moms always look tires and exhausted at work. My husband and I had briefly talked about it, but quickly realized that would not be the way that we would choose to function

princesslockness · May 2015

I happen to think your H could manage. It would be similar to you watching baby at night. You can sleep, wake up for feeding/diapering and whatever, yet you get up to work during the day.
Why can't H do the same.

bpwife&mama · May 2015

j&gmiller2015 said:
Last night my husband and I got in a huge fight over child care. Back story-my SIL nannies other children and offered to quit that job to help us a few days a week once the baby gets here. I offered to throw her a couple hundred dollars a month to come to my house and watch the baby while I'm a work. My husband works the night shift at Fedex (9pm-5:30am) so when we were discussing what time my SIL would be coming over he said "I'll just do it". I said do what....he said I'll watch the baby during the day while your at work. Ok put your math cap on....He will work 9pm-5:30am (8hrs), come home about 6:15am, I leave at 6:30am. Then he will watch her all day (9 hrs) until 4pm when I get home. Then he will sleep for 4 hrs until it's time for him to get up and go to work again at 9pm (let's also not leave out that he drives a tandem truck for Fedex all night long). Give or take, that puts him staying up for 17-18 hrs and sleeping 4-5 hours. He seriously thinks he can do this 4 days a week. Please for the love of God someone agree with me that this is ridiculous and cannot (should not) be done. He wants to save money and not give his sister a few hundred dollars a month. When we are really getting an awesome deal because it's cheaper than daycare and she will come to our house everyday. I'm glad he's so ambitious and willing to watch his daughter, but the human body just can't function on so little sleep. And it's dangerous considering his job is driving a truck at night time. He gets mad when I tell him he can't do it, I try to tell him that not only can he not do it, no one can do it. And we don't HAVE to do it, so why should we put ourselves through that. We have a fully capable person that is offering to help us.

My husband actually had to do this when we had our first son. We had no other choice though until we found a suitable daycare. He was exhausted.

Ourbabygherkin · May 2015

Sounds like he might just need some time to think and maybe even if and when he talks to people about his plan. They will talk some sense into him. It's great that he wants to help but him being that exhausted is dangerous, my father owned a farm and was a raikroad engineer sometimes not sleeping for days. It just wasn't safe. What if he fell asleep even watching the baby and something happened he'd never forgive himself. Love his heart and understand he wants to do this.

EmJ628 · May 2015

Kate08Young said:
I happen to think your H could manage. It would be similar to you watching baby at night. You can sleep, wake up for feeding/diapering and whatever, yet you get up to work during the day.
Why can't H do the same.

Would you want to be driving on the interstate with a person you knew was getting 4 hours of sleep or less on a consistent basis driving a tandem tractor trailer next to you?!!! OP you are right- not only are you right but there is probably a law or regulation that your hub HAS to get more sleep since he drives as a part of his job. If you are not close to delivery, I would let it lie for a few weeks and bring it back up very calmly from a different angle but be firm that you want to make a decision together as a family that will set everyone up for success and you feel him working and caring full time for your daughter is going to stretch him too thin and possibly compromise his safety. Also your time schedule you mentioned didn't account for travel time, or what is someone is late, etc. he'd end up getting less sleep.

kettlekitten · May 2015

My guess is he has no idea about what it is like to care for a baby... I would bet after a couple of days of his suggested arrangement he would be willing to get SIL on the job!

Thj417 · May 2015

I actually am friends with a family that does this... The dad looks completely worn out but keeps on trucking. When he works 7 days (OT) on, they will hire a nanny for half day 6am-12pm. Dad comes home, grabs a nap and then picks his kids up...

Joie80 · May 2015

Saving money is not worth endangering lives. It's not worth it to me. I'd urge DH to rest and consider making some sacrifices if money were an issue.

princesslockness · May 2015

EmJ628 said:

Kate08Young said:
I happen to think your H could manage. It would be similar to you watching baby at night. You can sleep, wake up for feeding/diapering and whatever, yet you get up to work during the day.
Why can't H do the same.
Would you want to be driving on the interstate with a person you knew was getting 4 hours of sleep or less on a consistent basis driving a tandem tractor trailer next to you?!!! OP you are right- not only are you right but there is probably a law or regulation that your hub HAS to get more sleep since he drives as a part of his job. If you are not close to delivery, I would let it lie for a few weeks and bring it back up very calmly from a different angle but be firm that you want to make a decision together as a family that will set everyone up for success and you feel him working and caring full time for your daughter is going to stretch him too thin and possibly compromise his safety. Also your time schedule you mentioned didn't account for travel time, or what is someone is late, etc. he'd end up getting less sleep.

It works. There are no laws about sleeping and driving in Idaho. My aunt and uncle did it. They were able to make it work for the 1st year, when they could afford for her to stay home full time.

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