afraid of dying during childbirth

RondaRassat · May 2015

so my dr. talked with me last wednesday about possibly inducing me on the 26th or "ripening" my cervix to get me dilating due to my GD and as the 26th gets closer, i find myself getn more n more fearful. im afraid im going to die during childbirth, Im a FTM....are these feelings normal? has anyone else felt/feel this way?

Katerina&Baby · May 2015

I have definitely thought about the possibility. What made me feel better was addressing it - I'm getting a simple will in order, discussing with DH who we would want to take care of Baby should we both die before DH was 18, talking with my financial planner about my life insurance coverage (and actually increasing it quite a bit). If I have the time, I'll also set up a trust to help DH and Baby manage those assets. I even went so far as to star what my preference is for names on the written "short list" of names we are bringing with us to the hospital (we are Team Green), just in case DH has to name Baby without me.

It may be sort of dark to attack the issue this way (as opposed to just reassuring myself that the odds are definitely against me dying during childbirth - which they certainly are in the US) but getting all of this stuff in order makes me feel more in control, which definitely helps.

KaLikeAWind · May 2015

Totally in agreement with PP. While I reassure myself that the odds of my dying in childbirth are really low, it helps to address that by making sure everything is in order - just in case. It doesn't help that DH tells me he has nightmares about my dying. But getting my affairs in order helps my "well, I've done everything I can possibly do" instinct.

Frogger5 · May 2015

mellymar said:
Totally in agreement with PP. While I reassure myself that the odds of my dying in childbirth are really low, it helps to address that by making sure everything is in order - just in case. It doesn't help that DH tells me he has nightmares about my dying. But getting my affairs in order helps my "well, I've done everything I can possibly do" instinct.

He tells you that? Oh, boy. That's not helpful. Agree with getting things somewhat set, though, it's mostly stuff that should be done anyway so now is a good time to do it! Not sure I'll get around to it all, but some is better than nothing. A living will/advanced directives is something else to think about, or at least discussing your wishes with SO.

enigmaticjj · May 2015

I think it's normal to have some sort of fear or thought of dying. I haven't really given it much thought myself though, I think mostly because I don't have pre-existing health conditions that would cause issues and overall the chance of dying is very low for childbirth. But there are such varying worries and concerns that's normal for all of us to have.

Ultimately though, I think the difference between it being OK to feel like that versus something you would want to get addressed...is if the fear is paralyzing and/or getting in the way of your daily life. If it's something that's really impacting you day to day, I think its very much worth tackling - talking to people like you're doing now and checking with your doctor to see what they say.

I also agree with the prior posts about preparing (which you'd want to do regardless of concerns anyway), but it could maybe give you a small teeny tiny sense of control. Also, if there is a known health condition you have that makes you worry, I'm all about learning how it can impact the childbirth as a way to try to be prepared and maybe lessen the fear.

dancegurl1118 · May 2015

I've talked to DH about it. I don't have many affairs to get in order but at least it opened up a dialogue for what he would do in terms of raising our child without me, and my wishes, which may help you relieve some of the anxiety.

KaLikeAWind · May 2015

Frogger5 said:

mellymar said:
Totally in agreement with PP. While I reassure myself that the odds of my dying in childbirth are really low, it helps to address that by making sure everything is in order - just in case. It doesn't help that DH tells me he has nightmares about my dying. But getting my affairs in order helps my "well, I've done everything I can possibly do" instinct.
He tells you that? Oh, boy. That's not helpful. Agree with getting things somewhat set, though, it's mostly stuff that should be done anyway so now is a good time to do it! Not sure I'll get around to it all, but some is better than nothing. A living will/advanced directives is something else to think about, or at least discussing your wishes with SO.

He didn't want to. I bullied it out of him. He's always mad asleep and then complains about not sleeping well and I'm like "puh-lease! I was up x many times and you were always asleep so shut up" and it comes out he's had nightmares, of which I naturally ask of what, and he won't tell which makes my curiosity keener and I won't give up and eventually it all comes out. He over stresses about stuff like that. You should a seen the look on his face when I was leaving for a weekend trip here to househunt. Total misery. He absolutely thought he'd never see me again. It's funny, in a sweet way

Frogger5 · May 2015

mellymar said:

Frogger5 said:

mellymar said:
Totally in agreement with PP. While I reassure myself that the odds of my dying in childbirth are really low, it helps to address that by making sure everything is in order - just in case. It doesn't help that DH tells me he has nightmares about my dying. But getting my affairs in order helps my "well, I've done everything I can possibly do" instinct.
He tells you that? Oh, boy. That's not helpful. Agree with getting things somewhat set, though, it's mostly stuff that should be done anyway so now is a good time to do it! Not sure I'll get around to it all, but some is better than nothing. A living will/advanced directives is something else to think about, or at least discussing your wishes with SO.
He didn't want to. I bullied it out of him. He's always mad asleep and then complains about not sleeping well and I'm like "puh-lease! I was up x many times and you were always asleep so shut up" and it comes out he's had nightmares, of which I naturally ask of what, and he won't tell which makes my curiosity keener and I won't give up and eventually it all comes out. He over stresses about stuff like that. You should a seen the look on his face when I was leaving for a weekend trip here to househunt. Total misery. He absolutely thought he'd never see me again. It's funny, in a sweet way

Oh, that is sweet! Good for you

.

akanini · May 2015

I thought I was the only one with this fear.

sspyles · May 2015

I repeat this mantra, "Vaginas do open. Babies do come out." Of the thousands of women who give birth every day, dying is so so very rare. I honestly do not even try to entertain this fear. Birth without fear is important to help our bodies do what they need to do.

aliciaspinnet · May 2015

Yes, there is a risk with childbirth - it's a small risk but real. But everything in life comes with some risk. The way I think of it is - whenever I get in my car there's a risk, but there's also benefits. You can't get rid of the risk entirely but you can reduce it - drive safely, don't drive drunk, wear your seatbelt, keep your car well maintained. Knowing that I've done those things to reduce the risk helps me feel at ease when driving. In the same way there are risks with childbirth, but by doing things like having good prenatal care, catching and treating potential complications early, giving birth in a hospital with healthcare providers you trust etc can all keep the risk very very low. And then you get a baby at the end of it

britneythebridexo · May 2015

Remember we live in the modern world of medicine the risks are low compared to those of third world countries and past times.

MrsWiggleWaggle · May 2015

No matter how irrational and how low the odds are, this fear pops into my head and is hard to shake. Once I cried and gave my husband instructions about what to do in such a case. I scared him so bad and I felt very guilty afterwards and ended up comforting him. So I just try really hard to do the old Scarlet Ohara "I'll think about that tomorrow" for both our sakes.

queequeg09256 · May 2015

I worry about both me and the baby dying. I'm a super paranoid person about early death. So I have life insurance, not a ton but enough to pay off our house and all debt, I worry about our daughter dying way more. 2 years ago 2 friends of mine both had still born babies. And I really don't know many people with kids so this fear has been freaking me out for several months now. Is it super irrational yes, but I have sat in my car or by myself crying anyway. Everytime I buy something for her I think of if she's ever going to wear it. She is perfectly healthy and looks awesome on all monitors all the time. And other than high blood pressure I'm in good shape too. I know it's crazy, but I do know if something happens to me financially my dh would be ok. Dh knows my wishes and I know he would be a fantastic father to her if something were to happen. We are having my mom draft up our living will after she is born as well. That all being said I try to remember women have been having multiple children for centuries without any health care or preventative anything and here is the human race still trucking right along. That helps me put the crazy away.

klkonwi · May 2015

I have to say I have thought about this because I generally have anxiety about everything but when I was 17 or 18 weeks preg I had a full term stillbirth I took care of. (Yes my co workers were complete assholes for not trading me patients) I definitely think about that all the time. The doctor sat me down and told me that the chances of this particular still birth were literally 0.1%. We allowed a photographer into cesarean and there was a video of the whole thing that the lady put on Facebook. So I had to keep reliving it everytime someone saw me in it on Facebook and texted/called me about it. (That's a whole other issue I have) I cried for 2 days straight and def have some issues over it. The bottom line is that yes anything can go wrong but I just pray that nothing will and my DH has to talk me down and remind me that everything will be fine. Like other posters have said the human race is still trucking. We will get through this!

dancegurl1118 · May 2015

@klkonwi your coworkers are assholes. From the minute they knew I was pregnant I wasn't allowed near any demises, regardless of GA.

rklinge0 · May 2015

I think the fear is normal. I talk to dh about those what ifs and he freaks because I tell him my wishes, if he has to choose, choose the baby.

Cateash77 · May 2015

I think this is a normal fear, and like so many fears we spend a lot of time worrying about it and wasting our energy on it when the likelihood of it happening is very very low. But I have that fear too. Also very afraid of still birth or just about anything going wrong actually, trying to not let my mind go there

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