Feeling "cheated" with c-section, no vaginal delivery

gkgillum · May 2015

Two weeks postpartum, sister-in-law is currently giving birth to her third vaginally. It kind of hits home how much of the "real" birthing experience a c-section takes from a mother. Anyone else feel this way after c-section?

J0C0TX · May 2015

Nope!

I'm just thankful that my daughter and I came out of delivery safe and well and that the repeat c-section I had with dd2 was such a peaceful, joyful birth as I focused on her, not on the "stuff" going on around me, that I loved it. I hope this baby (another C-section) will have as beautiful an arrival as dd2

Does having a C-section mean you're not a real mom? NO!! Trust me, no-one is going to come along at 3am and say "You're not a real mom as you had a c-section, here, I'll feed and change the baby instead! ) Does that mean an adoptive mother is less of a mom? I don't think so!

I'm not asking these questions to be adversarial, but rather for you to think about the fact that no matter how the baby came out, you are a mother. No-one in a couple of years will ask (we're further away from the birthing experience then) how baby came out of you. It won't make a difference to baby's IQ or how much you love them, how they play soccer, or princess or anything else.

You still gave birth. And from what I hear (from vaginal moms) it's often the more painful route, regardless of it being thought of as the "easy" option.

If you had a birth plan and that's what is bothering you - that you didn't get to follow it - think of it this way: instead of having the birth you wanted, you had the birth you and baby needed. Maybe next time you can try a vbac, but if you can't, don't beat yourself up - hopefully you will have healthy babies and be healthy yourself.

Here's an article on the topic I liked: https://www.cordmama.com/blog/2015/4/8/three-truths-about-c-section-mamas

HUGS to you. I hope you feel better about the arrival of your baby in time. It's ok to grieve what might have been, but also focus on the here and now and your bundle of love. BIG HUGS xxx

allessandra511 · May 2015

I completely agree with PP. But I will say that while I didn't feel sad about not having a vaginal birth until I realized I couldn't with this LO, I am okay with it now. Like she said, we are having the births that we need to have healthy babies. And while this Isn't necessarily what I want, I know that I am no less of a mother because I can't have the VBAC I desired.

And don't worry about what others are doing. I know it's hard. My mom had her 4 children naturally and I just can't. It does hurt. But we are still amazing moms! Don't let this bring you down. Focus on your beautiful newborn and all the joys he/she will bring you! Everything will be okay

jnnfrrose6 · May 2015

I certainly understand the feeling like you "missed out" on something. Honestly, it took me a couple of weeks to feel connected to my first and I blamed it on the c-section and not having the vaginal delivery I always expected to have. It also didn't help that I was in labor and found out at the hospital that DS was breech, so no time to wrap my head around the change of game plan. HOWEVER, a c-section is no less a "real" birthing experience and anyone who says otherwise is missing the point. You just had a major surgery that brought your little one into the world. It is your birth story and special and unique to you. Don't let anyone lessen that for you.

JAP09-02 · May 2015

I don't feel like I missed out either. I actually never had a strong desire to have a vaginal delivery. Sex is already sometimes uncomfortable for me, & I shudder to think what it could be like post vaginal delivery. Also, a vaginal delivery can have it's own set of complications.

Monilee1017 · May 2015

I understand how you feel. With DS1 I was awake during csections but knocked out as soon as he came out. I did not get to hold or kiss my baby, they showed him to me and then I was asleep. I woke up tilted head down in bed, when they lifted me my whole body was shaking and I still couldn't hold him. The nurse and my husband were holding my breast and the baby to feed him as I sat unable to do anything. I was not able to hold the baby the whole first day on my own. I have to say I hate everything about DS1 birth story except the fact that I got him. I still feel "cheated" about it.

For DS2 I had a repeat csection and it was wonderful, everything happened as planned. I don't feel cheated with his because I got to be awake for it all. I got to see him, kiss him and call him by name.

HeavenBlessedMom · May 2015

Nope. .I was so happy to have successful c sections! One with my dd. .. that had to be quick.. got to the hospital at 7 cm and one with the triplets. .also 7 cm upon arrival. No hard recoveries to speak of..was back to normal in 2 day. 4 healthy babies (with great foreheads! )

gkgillum · May 2015

You are so correct! Thanks so much xoxo

gkgillum · May 2015

Lol love it!

J0C0TX · May 2015

@gkgillum - how are you feeling now about it all?

AmCheri · May 2015

I'm responding late, but wanted to add another to the list of those of us who do not feel like we missed anything. Sure, there are a lot of preconceived notions about what birth should be like, and maybe we even romanticize it somewhat. Many have birth plans and strong hopes about how the baby will be born. With my first, I labored for 57 hours prior to having an emergency c-section. In the moment when you understand that your baby's life and health are at risk, you see how unimportant the actual birthing process is. I just had our second baby via repeat c-section and would not change a thing about how he was born. Recovering from a c-section is difficult and painful. If I feel cheated out of anything, it's the fact that after a c-section, it is so hard to take care of your baby without help. I wish the first week or so postpartum could be easier, but as for the birth, I have no regrets.

emaddock · May 2015

Honestly? Yes. I do feel like I missed out on something. Both of my children were emergency csections (tried to vbac) and I am lucky we are all healthy. That being said I wish I had had the experience. My third child is about to be born in a few weeks via planned csection which is going to feel very different. I have no sadness this time that I have to have a csection but a part of me will always feel that I missed out on something.

gkgillum · May 2015

@joco --I feel somewhat better about it. I think I will always have questions about the what if, but I trust in God and know that my birth experience was for a reason. I may not know what it is, but it was for some good reason.
@AmCheri --I agree that I did feel cheated out of being able to take care of my baby. My husband had to change every diaper and do everything for days in the hospital. It was disconcerting to me bc I am a person who is very independent. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a newborn. I certainly recognize that a vaginal delivery is easier for recovery reasons and being able to take care of your newborn.
@emaddock --I understand! I am already planning to try a VBAC, if we are blessed with another child. It doesn't ease this experience though. There are times I wonder if bonding with my daughter would be better for me if I'd had a vaginal delivery. On top of the experience, I feel like I didn't get to adequately bond with her right away and that hurts.

SLGILL1978 · May 2015

I don't feel like I missed out on anything either. I am just so happy that I am a mommy to a happy and healthy baby (she's now 2). I was so prepared for the chance of a c section, I was actually more nervous to have to push her out vaginally. After 12-12.5 hours of labor, I was actually relieved when my doctor said, I have been in labor long enough and a c section is best.
I bonded with my daughter. I had her with me and nursing withing 45 minutes. The only thing that hampered me was being able to lift things other than baby and driving.

PugsandKisses · June 2015

Nope, not at all. I had a tramatic first labor then C/S. My 2nd was scheduled. It was lovely.

I suggest therapy to work through your feelings. It has helped me (with other stuff).

eviolet9 · June 2015

Not even a little bit! My only birth plan was safe and healthy mom and baby

Wering · June 2015

I had a section in 2012 for my first daughter. It was unexpected (and later discovered to be not medically necessary). I mourned the csection for a year. It turned me into an overly dedicated breastfeeder, because I was so upset that my body couldn't do what it was designed to do. I figured if I was able to breastfeed, at least my body wouldn't fail me on that account. I still mourn my experience - I'm pregnant with my second baby, due in August, and aiming for a VBAC. I'm very hopeful that my VBAC will be successful. It will be my "redemption" for what I lost with the birth of my first baby. Things that didn't help? When I described it as "When I gave birth...." and a couple of people reminded me that I didn't give birth, I had a csection. Or when people told me I was "lucky" because I didn't have to worry about tears "down there." And the WORST - at least your baby was healthy. The health of my baby was never in question; if it had been, I would have embraced the csection with open arms. The hospital never gave me a CHANCE (I was there 12 hours on a failed induction and they practically strong armed me into the section.) It is absolutely normal to grieve the experience that you thought you were going to have.

J0C0TX · June 2015

Wering said:
I had a section in 2012 for my first daughter. It was unexpected (and later discovered to be not medically necessary). I mourned the csection for a year. It turned me into an overly dedicated breastfeeder, because I was so upset that my body couldn't do what it was designed to do. I figured if I was able to breastfeed, at least my body wouldn't fail me on that account.

I still mourn my experience - I'm pregnant with my second baby, due in August, and aiming for a VBAC. I'm very hopeful that my VBAC will be successful. It will be my "redemption" for what I lost with the birth of my first baby.

Things that didn't help? When I described it as "When I gave birth...." and a couple of people reminded me that I didn't give birth, I had a csection. Or when people told me I was "lucky" because I didn't have to worry about tears "down there." And the WORST - at least your baby was healthy. The health of my baby was never in question; if it had been, I would have embraced the csection with open arms. The hospital never gave me a CHANCE (I was there 12 hours on a failed induction and they practically strong armed me into the section.)

It is absolutely normal to grieve the experience that you thought you were going to have.

I agree it's normal to grieve the birth you didn't have. Totally. I wish you luck with your vbac.
The people that say that you didn't give birth though... I would have a problem with that. A child grew in your womb for nine or so months and came out of you- it may not be a vaginal birth but it's still the birth of your child. I can't imagine how those comments would have made you feel and I'm so sorry you had to deal with them. Wishing you well this go around for the birth you want xxx

anna.lynne.jones · June 2015

I am a first time mom, I just found out (after planning for a natural hypnobirth) that my baby is breech and I'm 38 weeks. I had a meltdown in my Dr's office when he said "c section." I've always been adamant that my labor and delivery would go one way and learning otherwise has certainly taken an emotional toll. At my second appointment after learning of my c section my Dr said "think of your delivery as the bridge to motherhood. How you get across the bridge doesn't define you as a parent, what you do when you arrive defines you as a parent."

My section is scheduled for Wednesday. I'm still hoping she will turn, but if not, I've taken so much comfort knowing that I'm doing what's best for my baby even though it's not how I'd planned it.

I hope this has encouraged you, because you're a mom! You're already honored and a badass for having crossed that bridge. Don't let the woulda shoulda couldas rob you of the joy of motherhood.

Wering · June 2015

@Anna - good luck to you with your section. Have you concerned doing a version for the baby? There are ways (though they do carry risks) that they can physically turn the baby head down.

As an FYI, I had a friend deliver a baby YESTERDAY who was breech until 39 and a half weeks. He turned at the LAST minute.

J0C0TX · June 2015

@anna - best wishes for you and your baby for a safe delivery for you both!!!

SUNshin322 · July 2015

I feel emotional pain every day since my c section this past may, disappinted I couldn't do it the way I'm designed to and really hope that one day I am able to. It's very hard, so no you are not alone in your feelings, sometimes it helps to know you are not alone. The pain from my surgery also contributed to failure to breastfeed, which makes me very sad. But all we can do is be the best moms we can be, and know it's okay to be sad even though we have healthy children we are so grateful for. Hugs.

meganfauer · July 2015

Life is all about unexpected changes. Life is not a plan and if you plan it out you will be let down so much. I have been through FIVE years of fertility treatments $40K, bruises, injections, being poked, prodded and more. Do you think this is how I wanted to get pregnant? no way!! Wasn't the song " first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a bay carriage". But I wanted to get pregnant. This was the bigger picture. I fought hard and never took no, so once pregnant the last thing I ever thought of was how my son got here. Just get here healthy and make me a mother!! What I was told by Drs would never happen. I think our world has become so planned and controlled and we need to stop this. Why be down about how your child got here? You are so lucky to have this child, to raise for their life. One moment of their entry into this world should not define you being a mother. I am sorry for anyone that feels less than a mother bc of that. Think of all the women in the world who would give ANYTHING to be a mom. They don't care how that baby arrives, just that it did!!

jerseygirl227 · July 2015

FTM here. I had a planned c-section two and a half weeks ago. More than one doctor suggested it due to the shape of my pelvis. I could either be induced (due to AMA) at 39 weeks and try to go the vaginal route or just have the c-section. After talking with them and researching online, I went the c-section route. My daughter was 8 pounds and the doctor who delivered her said I made the right choice.

I never felt bad about the c-section ... until I had trouble breastfeeding. My body just isn't making enough milk. About a week ago, I really lost it. I just felt that I was a bad mom since my body couldn't deliver her the "normal" way and my body couldn't produce enough milk to feed her. I know it was mostly the hormones talking, but I was a wreck for about a day.

Then, I realized that, somehow, this 42-year-old (I'm 43 now) was able to make a baby with the man she loves (also 42 at the time), a man whose doctors told him that it might be hard for him to have a baby due to his own issues. And I was able to carry her for 39 weeks without major issues. So, while we might not have gone the "traditional" route, I am more than thrilled that we were able to make the journey at all.

Zimger · July 2015

I had labored about 12 hours when they told me that I had not dialated and that the baby was beginning to show signs of distress.
I felt scared and upset. But I could feel it was not safe to let it go any longer. I had lost two children to miscarriage and I was bound to get this boy out into the world as safe as possible.
After it was over he was here. I held him and cooed for hours. Just like I did with my second (who was a planned c-section). No one went through more than I did to get them here.
Everything did feel surreal at first but I still adored those tiny babies. Motherhood is surreal at times...

Natjune · July 2015

Not at all! For me, the comfort of hearing his first cry after all the tugging I could feel on my belly was all I needed to feel like a mom! When I heard that cry the joy and love I felt in my heart was so overwhelming I looked right at my husband and cried! Then when they brought him over to me and I got to say "hi" to my son for the first time, overjoyed! So I would just say we all have a different birth experience that those who have only had vaginal births will never experience.

amm0512 · July 2015

I found out at 32 weeks that DS was frank breech, so after some research, I did have some time to wrap my head around a c section. I went into preterm labor a little after 36 weeks and ended up as an emergency c section. Because my contractions were so intense, the spinal didn't take on my right side and I was put under general anesthesia. So while you may be upset that you didn't get the vaginal birth you wanted, be thankful for the small things like hearing your baby cry for the first time or meeting them moments after birth. I would give anything to have those moments back.

MrsNanney · August 2015

C-section momma's are birthing soldiers if you ask me.

lovehorse77 · August 2015

Nope, don't feel cheated, not even a little. I look at my little miracle and feel so blessed that she was born in a day and age where we have such awesome medical advancements and such. Attempting a vaginal birth would have surely gone poorly in my case and I feel so lucky to have had an option that got me my little one all safe, sound, and healthy.

Feeling "cheated" with c-section, no vaginal delivery

Re: Feeling "cheated" with c-section, no vaginal delivery

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Feeling "cheated" with c-section, no vaginal delivery

Re: Feeling &quot;cheated&quot; with c-section, no vaginal delivery

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Feeling "cheated" with c-section, no vaginal delivery