I'm really not looking forward to childbirth, and associated natural childbirth judgement.

nofrogs · May 2015

I'm excited to have another baby. I think my daughter is excited for a sibling too. She keeps hugging my belly and saying "baby". It melts my heart. But, with the birth of my daughter, I had attempted a natural out of hospital birth. I was getting really close to 42 weeks, so my midwife thought that I should have a biophysical profile and non-stress test done. The tests showed that my daughter was not thriving in there anymore, and we decided it would be best to transfer to the hospital and induce. I was in hard labor for over 24 hours, and while Hypnobabies was awesome, it was not enough to keep me centered that long, so I had an epi. At the end, I felt awesome. I couldn't believe how long I labored on pit without an epi, and I walked away with a very alert baby and no tearing.

My husband's brothers and their wives on the other hand, ripped my birth apart. They said I shouldn't have agreed to any fetal monitoring and tests, because it was the start of a cascade of interventions, that led to an induction and an epi. They said this even after my daughter was way over a year old. They wouldn't let it go. My husband finally stood up for me, but they just insisted that they need to "educate" people about the benefits of natural childbirth. I also didn't try hard enough to go into labor on my own. I seriously tried everything. My body just wasn't ready. I am trying to keep birth as natural as possible this time again, but I still want to get an NST and BPP done to see how my baby is doing if I go overdue. I just don't think I can handle more judgment this time around, if my birth isn't natural.

I have growing anxiety about it, but this experience has taught me to never judge another mom. All moms are all awesome, no matter how your baby got here, or how you feed your LO, or if you work or stay home, or whatever. Sorry, I guess this is just a rant, but anyone else feel like this?

Alyllyra · May 2015

First, congratulations!

Second, seriously? I would have slapped anyone who dared criticize me about the way I gave birth. I had an epi too. I didn't plan on it but it was the best decision I ever made.

It's your body and your child, and no one else should have an opinion about this (and if they do, they better keep quiet about it!). I'm glad your husband stood up for you but you need to be able to ignore these people. I think they no longer have any rights to know anything avout the new birth and if they ask you can just ignore their questions. All they need to know is that a baby was born.

anorthro · May 2015

I'm not sure why people think it's their place to "educate" other people about things like unmedicated childbirth. Clearly you planned to go unmedicated and it didn't work out. Why would they think it's appropriate to continue to "educate" you after the fact!? Ugh. Do what is right for you, and I agree with the PP that you should avoid conversations about the upcoming birth with these people! We had to do that with names. The minute someone criticizes our name choices, they go on the list of people who will no longer hear our name choices, even if they ask.

Bigboobsmcgee · May 2015

Are these families members that criticized you doctor's? Midwifes? Tell them to shove it.

I'm sorry you are dealing with that but I will never for the life of me understand how people let other people's negative input get to them. I am super lucky and don't have people in my life that would even dare give me shit for how I gave birth or anything relating to it because it's no one else's business. IF someone did, I would cut them off and tell them it's not their business and to politely back the fuck off.

CatsAreShady · May 2015

Your baby is here and thriving, right? So they need to seriously get over it and STFU. It's incredibly rude and it's completely not their business. Don't talk bring up the topic around them. If they bring it up, tell them that it's not their decision or any of their business and the topic is closed for discussion. Say "we're not talking about this anymore." Keep repeating that until they learn to shut up about it. There's absolutely no rule that states you have to sit and allow others to talk down about your decisions.

On another note, you know their opinions don't matter so why does it stress you out? Why do you give them that much power over you? Try to let things roll off of your back more.

soberrysweet · May 2015

Bigboobsmcgee said:
Are these families members that criticized you doctor's? Midwifes? Tell them to shove it.
I'm sorry you are dealing with that but I will never for the life of me understand how people let other people's negative input get to them. I am super lucky and don't have people in my life that would even dare give me shit for how I gave birth or anything relating to it because it's no one else's business. IF someone did, I would cut them off and tell them it's not their business and to politely back the fuck off.

All this right here. Eff that noise.

YogaSandy · May 2015

You did what was best for your daughter by having the tests done. Good job. You also did what was best for you - having an epi when you needed it. Congratulations. You did amazing. You should feel like it. I'm sure you will do exactly the same (what is best for your child - even if it results in other / no interventions). Tell them you are not discussing the subject if they bring it up - either in regards to this time or last. Walk away if you need to walk away. Don't engage. You did amazing. You are awesome. Don't key anyone make you believe differently.

ETA - maybe I should "educate them" on the benefits of an induction and medicated birth. It was my plan all along (well, not the induction, but the medication) and what I fervently believe was right for me and my baby. See how silly and ridiculous that sounds (well, it was right for us, but i never push my beliefs on others).

jenboston22 · May 2015

CatsAreShady said:
On another note, you know their opinions don't matter so why does it stress you out? Why do you give them that much power over you? Try to let things roll off of your back more.

I'm not the OP, but I just wanted to say that it is harder for some people to just let these types of things roll off their backs than it is for others. I know it's difficult for me, too. We all have very different personalities.

(This is coming from a shy/introverted type who occasionally gets the "you should speak up more!" ... I'll speak up when I have something to say, or if you're really close to me, like my husband -- he probably wouldn't mind it if I spoke up a little less

)

CatsAreShady · May 2015

jenboston22 said:

CatsAreShady said:
On another note, you know their opinions don't matter so why does it stress you out? Why do you give them that much power over you? Try to let things roll off of your back more.
I'm not the OP, but I just wanted to say that it is harder for some people to just let these types of things roll off their backs than it is for others. I know it's difficult for me, too. We all have very different personalities.

(This is coming from a shy/introverted type who occasionally gets the "you should speak up more!" ... I'll speak up when I have something to say, or if you're really close to me, like my husband -- he probably wouldn't mind it if I spoke up a little less )

While I get what your saying, letting people's opinions affect you to the point of anxiety isn't healthy either. It's not exactly the same thing as just being shy/introverted, this is something that's affecting her mental well being. That's entirely too much control to give to others over yourself. It may not be easy but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it.

jenboston22 · May 2015

CatsAreShady said:

jenboston22 said:

CatsAreShady said:
On another note, you know their opinions don't matter so why does it stress you out? Why do you give them that much power over you? Try to let things roll off of your back more.
I'm not the OP, but I just wanted to say that it is harder for some people to just let these types of things roll off their backs than it is for others. I know it's difficult for me, too. We all have very different personalities.

(This is coming from a shy/introverted type who occasionally gets the "you should speak up more!" ... I'll speak up when I have something to say, or if you're really close to me, like my husband -- he probably wouldn't mind it if I spoke up a little less )
While I get what your saying, letting people's opinions affect you to the point of anxiety isn't healthy either. It's not exactly the same thing as just being shy/introverted, this is something that's affecting her mental well being. That's entirely too much control to give to others over yourself. It may not be easy but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on it.

True, and certainly if it's bothering someone so much as to truly affect his or her life, counseling may help. (Of course getting a shy/introverted person to a counselor is a whole other issue!

) I guess this is something that each person needs to decide for him or herself to either accept or to work on in counseling.

nofrogs · May 2015

I've tried counseling, and she wasn't much help

.

CatsAreShady · May 2015

nofrogs said:
I've tried counseling, and she wasn't much help .

Yeah, a good counselor can be hard to find. It might take some shopping around to find a good fit. And I'm only saying all of this because in my head, it must suck to be affected so much by other people. Kind of like you're held prisoner by the court of public opinion. It's good to take other opinions into consideration but don't let it take over.

I don't quite see being shy or introverted as the same thing, though. My sister is VERY introverted but at the same time she doesn't let opinions overrun her. I call it a quiet strength lol.

dchiapella · May 2015

A: Screw them! I'm sorry, but that just pisses me off and if they have kids you should start mentioning THEIR birth every time you see them until they understand how utterly inappropriate it is! B: Good for you for going with your gut despite their pressuring you and placing your baby's health as priority. C: My mom gave birth to four children. FOUR. She has told me from the time I knew what an epidural was that she was all about the natural birth and yada yada yada for the first two... then she realized, "what the hell?!?" Going through all that pain doesn't make me a martyr and that she got the epidural for both me and my older brother (both very healthy babies) and told me, "Danielle, It's not worth it. You don't win an award. When you have a baby if you want to get an epidural, get an epidural!"

CatsAreShady · May 2015

dchiapella said:
A: Screw them! I'm sorry, but that just pisses me off and if they have kids you should start mentioning THEIR birth every time you see them until they understand how utterly inappropriate it is! B: Good for you for going with your gut despite their pressuring you and placing your baby's health as priority. C: My mom gave birth to four children. FOUR. She has told me from the time I knew what an epidural was that she was all about the natural birth and yada yada yada for the first two... then she realized, "what the hell?!?" Going through all that pain doesn't make me a martyr and that she got the epidural for both me and my older brother (both very healthy babies) and told me, "Danielle, It's not worth it. You don't win an award. When you have a baby if you want to get an epidural, get an epidural!"

Ain't that the truth. If you want to go natural, more power to you. That's a personal choice for everyone. But with the whole pain management thing, I thought the same thing. The epidural never gave me or my kids any negative effects and I have nothing to prove in terms of suffering through labor pains. I've heard it referred to as "pain with a purpose". Personally, if the meds are available, then I see no purpose for the pain lol. You get no medals for the way you give birth but regardless of how the kid gets here, everyone gets a take home prize.

dchiapella · May 2015

Right?!? I have a high pain tolerance and I'm a "push through" person all the way, but my big fear is not being able to really appreciate that moment when they put my baby on my chest just after she's born because I'm in pain. I know it will be painful regardless (duh...) but I want make it tolerable so I can really cherish what's happening. Well... that and I feel like I've paid my dues pain wise and I have constantly dislocated hips and a thrown out back. And you're absolutely right, you take home a prize regardless. I really love that sentence!

CatsAreShady · May 2015

dchiapella said:
Right?!? I have a high pain tolerance and I'm a "push through" person all the way, but my big fear is not being able to really appreciate that moment when they put my baby on my chest just after she's born because I'm in pain. I know it will be painful regardless (duh...) but I want make it tolerable so I can really cherish what's happening. Well... that and I feel like I've paid my dues pain wise and I have constantly dislocated hips and a thrown out back. And you're absolutely right, you take home a prize regardless. I really love that sentence!

LOL, pregnancy pains are enough to deal with. Everything hurt, from my head to my toes. I can't compare med-free versus epidural because I've always taken the meds. But I can say that I felt back to normal almost immediately after each birth (3 times). I LOVED the epidurals. I was relaxed and able to enjoy the immediate skin to skin bonding. Again just my experience, not talking for anyone else. And going back to the OP, those people are not the ones giving birth. They can do what's right for them but they can kick massive rocks for trying to dictate what someone else does with their body and their baby.

jenboston22 · May 2015

nofrogs said:
I've tried counseling, and she wasn't much help .

Good for you for trying! I know it can be a big step to take. Maybe you should try checking out a few different people? There are so many different counseling styles, and maybe this one just wasn't right for you (I have a BA in psychology, so I have some knowledge about the types of counseling out there). Good luck!

Also, on a side note to your original post -- I'm planning on getting an epidural (although I know plans can change; I just truly hope that I am able to get some type of pain relief...). I fully support whatever you, the one doing the birthing, chooses to do!

PrimRoseMama · May 2015

nofrogs said:
I'm excited to have another baby. I think my daughter is excited for a sibling too. She keeps hugging my belly and saying "baby". It melts my heart. But, with the birth of my daughter, I had attempted a natural out of hospital birth. I was getting really close to 42 weeks, so my midwife thought that I should have a biophysical profile and non-stress test done. The tests showed that my daughter was not thriving in there anymore, and we decided it would be best to transfer to the hospital and induce. I was in hard labor for over 24 hours, and while Hypnobabies was awesome, it was not enough to keep me centered that long, so I had an epi. At the end, I felt awesome. I couldn't believe how long I labored on pit without an epi, and I walked away with a very alert baby and no tearing.

My husband's brothers and their wives on the other hand, ripped my birth apart. They said I shouldn't have agreed to any fetal monitoring and tests, because it was the start of a cascade of interventions, that led to an induction and an epi. They said this even after my daughter was way over a year old. They wouldn't let it go. My husband finally stood up for me, but they just insisted that they need to "educate" people about the benefits of natural childbirth. I also didn't try hard enough to go into labor on my own. I seriously tried everything. My body just wasn't ready. I am trying to keep birth as natural as possible this time again, but I still want to get an NST and BPP done to see how my baby is doing if I go overdue. I just don't think I can handle more judgment this time around, if my birth isn't natural.

I have growing anxiety about it, but this experience has taught me to never judge another mom. All moms are all awesome, no matter how your baby got here, or how you feed your LO, or if you work or stay home, or whatever. Sorry, I guess this is just a rant, but anyone else feel like this?

I'm sorry. Your birth experience sounds amazing & beautiful. No other mother should try to shame another's birth outcome.

The bottom line is that we all want a baby in our arms in the end. How you get there is nobody's business but yours.

Boonhilde · May 2015

I'm sorry, but the benefits of non-natural (ALL BIRTH IS NATURAL!) childbirth are AWESOME! Not being in pain ROCKS!

I am so sorry your SIL's are being awful. Have your baby how you want/need to have your baby. Know there are mommas here who have your back.

Boonhilde · May 2015

I too have anxiety this time around about childbirth, but it's more along the lines of not getting to the hospital in time for an epidural. Pain sucks!

delujm0 · May 2015

We had birth class last night and i thought what we learned was relevant to this topic...

We were told that nation-wide, about 90% of women who have vaginal births get the epidural. Which means that probably (1) everyone that wants one and gets to the hospital in time to get one gets one, and (2) probably a solid 75-80% of poeple who go into it not wanting one wind up getting one anyway.

The teacher made a good point...which is that it's silly to push your body to its absolute pain threshhold just to avoid an easily accessable and very low risk medication. You should NEVER have to experience your body's pain threshhold. If you want to try to do it naturally, i respect that decision. it's a completely personal decision. but making people who decided to use the drugs feel bad about their personal decision is complete bullshit. Even if i thought i could handle labor without the epidural, i'd probably still get one...i personally don't see any reason to be in a lot of unnecessary pain.

Everyusernameistaken · May 2015

nofrogs said:
I'm excited to have another baby. I think my daughter is excited for a sibling too. She keeps hugging my belly and saying "baby". It melts my heart. But, with the birth of my daughter, I had attempted a natural out of hospital birth. I was getting really close to 42 weeks, so my midwife thought that I should have a biophysical profile and non-stress test done. The tests showed that my daughter was not thriving in there anymore, and we decided it would be best to transfer to the hospital and induce. I was in hard labor for over 24 hours, and while Hypnobabies was awesome, it was not enough to keep me centered that long, so I had an epi. At the end, I felt awesome. I couldn't believe how long I labored on pit without an epi, and I walked away with a very alert baby and no tearing.

My husband's brothers and their wives on the other hand, ripped my birth apart. They said I shouldn't have agreed to any fetal monitoring and tests, because it was the start of a cascade of interventions, that led to an induction and an epi. They said this even after my daughter was way over a year old. They wouldn't let it go. My husband finally stood up for me, but they just insisted that they need to "educate" people about the benefits of natural childbirth. I also didn't try hard enough to go into labor on my own. I seriously tried everything. My body just wasn't ready. I am trying to keep birth as natural as possible this time again, but I still want to get an NST and BPP done to see how my baby is doing if I go overdue. I just don't think I can handle more judgment this time around, if my birth isn't natural.

I have growing anxiety about it, but this experience has taught me to never judge another mom. All moms are all awesome, no matter how your baby got here, or how you feed your LO, or if you work or stay home, or whatever. Sorry, I guess this is just a rant, but anyone else feel like this?

They sound like dicks. Your birth is your birth and it's no one else's business. It sounds like you were a rockstar giving birth (and you had the best possible outcome, healthy mom and baby!) and I'm sorry their judgement is marring what should be a happy time for you.
You sound awesome, I'm so glad you've turned this into a positive learning opportunity about mom judgement. Best of luck!!

HWKI · May 2015

The next time the brother in-laws chime in, tell them after they experience birth they are welcome how to discuss the pain that accompanies it. You have a healthy daughter that is all that matters. If you had waited for the "natural process" she could have been harmed. You did what a good mother does you set aside your wishes (for a natural birth) for what was best for your child (getting out of an environment that was no longer nurturing her). That is something to be proud of remember that!

HeavenBlessedMom · May 2015

Seriously? !
Don't even tell them. It's none of their business.
I had a C with both my DD and the triplets. For me, I don't understand the unmedicated route or why you'd want to do that to yourself or the baby. The SAFEST way is the best way.its your baby, you do what feels best and don't worry about what others say. Good luck to you!

PhoenixRyuu · May 2015

I've always found that it's really easy for people to say what you should've, could've done when they weren't there and they didn't have to go through it. You made the right decision for your child and your body in a very difficult situation. It is wonderful that technology has given us so many choices now with regard to reproduction, but it's unfortunate that everyone feels that they somehow have the right or duty to try to force their opinion on everyone else. If you read the natural childbirth board, you'll find a bunch of people whose pro-intervention families are scoffing at their decision to go natural or birth at home. Whichever side of the issue someone happens to be on, they have no right to try to force their views on others and certainly should never disparage you for handling something that easily could have become a medical emergency in such a way that you left with minimal injury and a healthy baby! I think you handled a tough choice at a highly stressful time incredibly well and commend you for having the maturity to let go of your ideal birth experience, deal with the cards you were dealt and make the right choices to avoid harm. I'm a huge supporter of natural home birth when it makes sense, and am planning a spouse-assisted home birth myself, but with the understanding that I can only continue with that plan so long as the pregnancy and birth continue to be normal. Once the situation becomes abnormal, as yours did, medical interventions are not the unnecessary, money-making and often harmful things they can become for normal births, they are quite often necessary life saving procedures.

Forget your in-laws. I wouldn't even tell them about your birth this time. When you go into labor you have no obligation to let them know. Just explain to your husband that you'd like the birth to be a private experience with just your immediate family and hold off the phone calls until it's over. When the child is born and you're ready for visitors, if they ask you questions just tell them that you don't want to discuss it with them, but you'd like them to be able to enjoy spending time with your new addition. If they keep pushing the issue, tell them you're tired and need some time alone with your new baby and cut the visit short. There is no reason for you to put up with that kind of abuse. Obviously you have good instincts - your outcome speaks for itself, so trust them.

SpoiledHomeMommy · May 2015

People like that would get the boot from my.... and my child's life

JaqiDec04 · May 2015

PhoenixRyuu said:
I've always found that it's really easy for people to say what you should've, could've done when they weren't there and they didn't have to go through it. You made the right decision for your child and your body in a very difficult situation. It is wonderful that technology has given us so many choices now with regard to reproduction, but it's unfortunate that everyone feels that they somehow have the right or duty to try to force their opinion on everyone else. If you read the natural childbirth board, you'll find a bunch of people whose pro-intervention families are scoffing at their decision to go natural or birth at home. Whichever side of the issue someone happens to be on, they have no right to try to force their views on others and certainly should never disparage you for handling something that easily could have become a medical emergency in such a way that you left with minimal injury and a healthy baby! I think you handled a tough choice at a highly stressful time incredibly well and commend you for having the maturity to let go of your ideal birth experience, deal with the cards you were dealt and make the right choices to avoid harm. I'm a huge supporter of natural home birth when it makes sense, and am planning a spouse-assisted home birth myself, but with the understanding that I can only continue with that plan so long as the pregnancy and birth continue to be normal. Once the situation becomes abnormal, as yours did, medical interventions are not the unnecessary, money-making and often harmful things they can become for normal births, they are quite often necessary life saving procedures.

Forget your in-laws. I wouldn't even tell them about your birth this time. When you go into labor you have no obligation to let them know. Just explain to your husband that you'd like the birth to be a private experience with just your immediate family and hold off the phone calls until it's over. When the child is born and you're ready for visitors, if they ask you questions just tell them that you don't want to discuss it with them, but you'd like them to be able to enjoy spending time with your new addition. If they keep pushing the issue, tell them you're tired and need some time alone with your new baby and cut the visit short. There is no reason for you to put up with that kind of abuse. Obviously you have good instincts - your outcome speaks for itself, so trust them.

All of this. I ended up in an regency c section with DD, after 12 hours of pitocin induced contractions, then an epi that crashed me and DDs BPs, and no one has ever judged me for any of it. Even if I expressed I was concerned I could have done something differently, everyone has told me the important thing is healthy me and healthy baby.

And those are the only comments you should ever receive from your family and friends.

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