What would YOU do??

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

A little background first... I moved in with my boyfriend in Dec. 2013. We live in the house he grew up in (his parents still own it)....

I get so frustrated because both his parents work in our town (they drive 1/2 hr here everyday). His mom works at a daycare center so her hrs vary. She will come and go as she pleases, no knock or anything. She just walks right in and does as she pleases as if it's her own home.

I get that she does own the place, but we have no privacy and she has no respect for us. What if I were walking naked from the bathroom to the bedroom, or worse yet, what if SO and I were going at in when she just barges in?? I want him to talk with her about it, but not sure how we should approach it... HELP!!!

bbiutmcph · May 2015

mlobrummond said:
A little background first... I moved in with my boyfriend in Dec. 2013. We live in the house he grew up in (his parents still own it)....

I get so frustrated because both his parents work in our town (they drive 1/2 hr here everyday). His mom works at a daycare center so her hrs vary. She will come and go as she pleases, no knock or anything. She just walks right in and does as she pleases as if it's her own home.

I get that she does own the place, but we have no privacy and she has no respect for us. What if I were walking naked from the bathroom to the bedroom, or worse yet, what if SO and I were going at in when she just barges in?? I want him to talk with her about it, but not sure how we should approach it... HELP!!!

Are you paying rent or the mortgage

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

@bbiutmcph the house has been paid for for years, it is a VERY old house. We pay the utilities, gas, renter's insurance, THEIR dwelling insurance policy, we have remodeled, we have increased the value of the home, it is OUR home, their names are just on the title because we don't want the house in our name, it's not worth the hassle. His dad we have no problems with, just her.

MirandaC1984 · May 2015

It doesn't matter who owns the house. There are boundaries you just don't cross. I'd ask your partner to talk it over with mom.

bbiutmcph · May 2015

Well the house is still in their name so TECHNICALLY regardless of what you have done it is theirs. Are they willing to have you purchase or give you the home? I think a lot could come to bite you in the ass if the house is still in their name. For example working in senior living, when people apply for medicaid.medicare etc to help cover the cost they can look back like 10 years and if the house is in their name, well it's theirs as a asset and the state can take it. All that aside, what does your husband say about it? It is his parents house that you are living in and his parents that you have the issue with. After being married almost 8 years I have learned that when we have issues with my in-laws the conversations need to come from my husband not me the DIL. Can I be part of it? Absolutely but they should be started from him. Do I think it's ok they can come and go as they want? Well no not really but the house is in their name and that is where it gets grey and very sticky. What if you go off on mom? What if she decides she doesn't want you living in "her" house. I think you and your DH need to talk it out, come up with a game plan and then talk to them. But if you never paid for the actual house and it's in their name you need to have a solid plan and do it soon. Nothing good will come with not having the house in your name if it's your home.

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

MirandaC1984 said:
It doesn't matter who owns the house. There are boundaries you just don't cross. I'd ask your partner to talk it over with mom.

How would you have him approach her? This isn't the first time he's had to talk with her about boundaries, she just doesn't get it, I don't understand.

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

@bbiutmcph yeah, she's asked to just put the house in his name, but we don't want that because she would still act that way, and when we move out (hopefully within the next year), we don't want to deal with that drama. It's the boundary crossing that bugs us, we just don't know how to start the conversation. Like today, she walked right in, sat on the couch next to me, used our bathroom, sat on the couch 2 minutes, and left. She acts like I'm not here ever since we had the first boundary conversation with her.

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

The fact that she just barges in is what gets me. I'm home all day long and don't enjoy being startled by someone unexpectedly entering the house. If we lock the door she won't knock either, She'll unlock it and come right in. A part of me really wishes she'd walk in on us having sex so she'd feel the awkwardness and learn herself that she needs to have respect.

bbiutmcph · May 2015

I think you need to make decisions. If she is willing to put the name without payment in his name DO IT. It's much easier to deal with someone with boundary issues if you have a leg to stand on. Meaning it is literally HIS HOUSE in the name of the law. What drama could come from moving? If the house is in your name it's yours. Right now it's hers. Yes it's your house because you live there and pay utilities but in the grand scheme of things it's hers. Yes there are some serious boundary issues but it sounds like you have tried to approach it and failed. Have your husband put on his big boy pants. You need to decide if you guys want the house. If so draw up the papers, pay what needs to be paid and set limits and change the locks. If you don't want to deal with the "drama" have your husband explain to his mom that she can't keep doing this, but it seems that hasn't worked in the past. Try to explain your feelings with both his parents he needs to take ownership here. If it doesn't seem to stop, I would suggest moving if you don't want the drama of having it in your name. It sounds like there might be more to the dynamics here.

McRad · May 2015

Part of me thinks if you guys were paying rent, it might be an easier conversation to have/start. I understand you are paying gas, utilities, and renters insurance on the house you live in-- as a fellow renter, we pay that on top of our base monthly rental rate. (That being said, it's still not okay to treat it like you aren't there and your privacy isn't important.)

On the same token, if you are living there and they gave permission with these costs agreed upon, I think there does need to be a conversation had. Maybe bring up the fact that you are starting a family and need to have your own space- not that they aren't welcome, but need to treat the house as YOUR house and YOUR space. This means a knock is expected and appreciated when she comes over, along with maybe a heads up about the pop over. I think it's a fair thing to say and to address. You need boundaries and that's not unfair to ask.

LLynde5 · May 2015

I would explain to her that you need to set a few boundaries for when baby is here. Between nursing, skin to skin time and coming up with your new schedule it will be easier in all parties if she calls ahead, text from the driveway or learns to knock:)

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

Thank you @McRad that's how I feel as well. We wouldn't be living here if I were done with all my college degrees already, so we only have his income at the moment so an extra payment is too much until next summer after I graduate and will have a job.

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

LLynde5 said:
I would explain to her that you need to set a few boundaries for when baby is here. Between nursing, skin to skin time and coming up with your new schedule it will be easier in all parties if she calls ahead, text from the driveway or learns to knock:)

Thank you, I could not, no matter how I tried, think of a way to bring it up!! I think by starting out with how we are starting our own family we need our own space and yes I do plan on nursing, and wouldn't feel comfortable with her just sitting there while I'm nursing my little girl. We love her, but want to learn as a family, and have the grandparents be just that, grandparents!

MirandaC1984 · May 2015

It's really sad that you actually have to have a conversation with an adult about knocking before entering someone's home. However, some of the the things my MIL does never cease to amaze me so I understand. Maybe have him ask her to knock or call before coming because you haven't been feeling well and you wouldn't want her to come in when you aren't decent. Obiously she knows you two have sex... why would she barge in? Bless you heart! That would drive me nuts.

sdesai1221 · May 2015

Put the house in his name and then change the locks!

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

@MirandaC1984 I agree 100%!! It IS sad. hopefully we(he) can talk to her tonight and we can fix this all!!

Didn't mean to vent on here like this ladies, it's just that my hormones are making me SUPER close to just going off on her. There are many manners that she just doesn't get. I don't understand, because her son is amazing, and has some of the best manners of anyone I know!

McRad · May 2015

Yes! I know college days are rough and I know the struggle is real! Good luck there!
I would honestly have a lay it all out on the table conversation. Maybe she's completely unaware of her actions? (Some people really are oblivious to some of the mose obvious issues.) I think bringing up the new family and trying to find your way in this new season of life is your best bet. It wouldn't be attacking her and her actions, more having her understand the new adventure you're about to start.
If not, maybe change the locks! Haha. Jk. But for real.

CaitLewis15 · May 2015

Get a deadbolt for the door?

LiveNLove44 · May 2015

My MIL does this and sometimes we don't know she was here until we notice a tuppeware of food in the fridge or vacuum lines (Stop thinking this would be nice! It isn't, it's awkward.) I have SERIOUS issues with my MIL's boundary crossing, and it's an ongoing conversation in our family. It gets better and then a little worse, so two steps forward, one step back. Each time we have a conversation about "our plans" or "our space" or "our time" we make sure to have it with all parties involved. I don't talk one-on-one with MIL about issues unless DH and FIL are there so we're all on the same page. (MIL tries to make up stories if someone isn't there.)

I encourage you to have a formal conversation with your SO and his parents. Make sure you and your SO are on the same page before sitting down, and write down your main points. Don't expect it to be received well if she's already had this conversation before. You could also make sure to clarify that you enjoy spending time with them (e.g., having a BBQ or afternoon visit is great), but it's important for you and your SO to have your own space established.

Go the counseling route with: "I feel frustrated and disrespected when you come into our house unexpected/unannounced. If this continues to happen, then we will...(be discussing moving? change the locks? buy the house?)."

I feel (this) when you (this) and if (this) happens then we will take (this) action. Make it clear cut! Good luck

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

Thank you @LiveNLove44 for the advice!! That really helps! And omg, I would go crazy if she came in and vacuumed when we were gone, I'd feel so disrespected!!

mommy_wife_nurse · May 2015

Well..... He called her on his way home from work :-S I doubt he resolved anything. I wish he would have waited til he got home so we could address it together and have a game plan.... Grrrr

nrocke129 · May 2015

My MIL lives less than 1/2 mile away and my SIL lives a mile away. We do enter freely into each other's home, but we announce ourselves as we are walking in. If we/they are indisposed we say hold on a minute and no one leaves the room they entered in. This is the type of relationship we all have. It does not work for everyone but we also respect each other's privacy and know everyone's schedule. If she is put off by it maybe give her some hours that she can stop by anytime unannounced. Outside of those hours just give you a heads up. Maybe that is a good compromise.

kirsty100 · May 2015

I'm in same sort of situation but I pay rent ect I got my boyfriend to take all the the house keys of his parents so that they can't just rock up and come and go ect my fil wanted me to have all the keys so my mil doesn't just rock up let herself in as she would of when we first moved in we went to Bali and they had to do tiles in the laundry but she went through my wardrobe folded all my clothes went through my doors ect and remade beds that had already been made set clear boundaries my mil was not happy about boundaries being set but she has to accept it and get over it she's wrecked our relationship by over stepping boundaries just be honest and tell them you don't like it if they kick up a fuss move I'm moving before the baby comes so my mil can't use the house against me and its best thing I'll ever do because that way I'm in my own place and I can set clear boundaries where as living in the rental I feel as though I'm still under her control

kirsty100 · May 2015

And she acts this way to see how far and how much she can get away with. She doesn't respect you or your partner I'd get out ASAP your mother inlaw sounds like mine! Except she know I don't want her around her she try's to invite herself around I tell her I'm busy or best thing you can do is change all the locks and if they ask why just say well you lost the keys

k15baby · May 2015

Get a chain or latch lock for when you are home, that is a pain I know but at least an immediate fix to the solution for when you are home and you are not getting into legal issues with changing locks.

rnielsen321 · May 2015

Some "cheeky" idea?

I would turn the A/C off, and lounge in the buff... Declare your home a "clothes free zone" and ask her to please disrobe so everyone feels more comfortable...

Perhaps that will shock her into some realization about her behaviour.

gabrielafrnqyepez · May 2015

rnielsen321 said:
Some "cheeky" idea?
I would turn the A/C off, and lounge in the buff... Declare your home a "clothes free zone" and ask her to please disrobe so everyone feels more comfortable...
Perhaps that will shock her into some realization about her behaviour.

you read my mind lolzz!! Mb if she's put in that situation or happens to find u both in the middle of the living room doing private things I'm the privacy of your home shell get the idea!

apsparks09 · May 2015

My husband and I were in this situation as well. The house we live in was his great-grandparents and after they passed away his grandparents used it as a rent house. Well when we were engaged they said we could live in it, rent free! (Blessing!)

Anyways we pay the water, light bill, blah blah but we had the same problem with his sisters, mom and friends just walking in without knocking or a phone call or anything!

I didn't like it of course but being newlyweds, I kept my mouth shut UNTIL his friend walked in when my husband and I had just got out of the shower. And then his sister had come in when we were in the bedroom doing... you - know! Lol

So finally I said you are going to have to say something to them. (If it was my family, I would have done said something) He finally told them they were going to have to knock or call before coming. It went over really well. No hard feelings with anyone!

But if I were you, I would say something soon because the more it bothers you, the worse the confrontation is going to be!

Good luck

Want a personalized experience?

What would YOU do??

Re: What would YOU do??

Choose Another Board

Search Boards