One year since my first MC - Any tips for coping? Warning losses mentioned

CTinNV · April 2015

I'm a mess of emotions and memories. One year ago today, my DH and I got married. One year ago yesterday, we stared devastated at the OB's ultrasound screen showing our baby had no heartbeat.

Friday, April 25, 2014 was the day before our wedding. It was supposed to be filled with a ton of prep, rehearsals, family flying into town and more. Life had other plans. I woke up that morning to spotting and absolutely freaked the F out. Our 12-week OB check up was also that morning, and we got there as soon as the office opened. I had had a missed MC, and the baby stopped progressing around 10 weeks. We spent most of the rest of the day in the hospital doing prep for my D&E. Free moments were spent calling certain friends and family who knew about the pregnancy and sharing the sad news on the eve of such a happy day. Going through the rehearsal and party afterwards was so hard.

We got married the next day, Saturday, the 26th, in a beautiful ceremony and celebrated at our reception afterward, but there was so much shock and sadness in our hearts. Although we were so happy to be married, the loss was horrible to be living through at the same time. We had to cancel our post-wedding plans due to the D&E a couple days later.

It's the one-year anniversary of all this, and what would become a full year of a second miscarriage, two failed IUI cycles and now us heading into IVF cycle #3. How do you guys cope as the months and years go on? I'm worried that my wedding anniversary will always be sad because of the baby we lost. I hope time heals that feeling.

Anything you could share would be so appreciated.

NB817 · April 2015

I don't have anything helpful to share on how to cope, but I just wanted to send you a great big HUG! I'm so sorry for all of your devastation.

ellebelle2384 · April 2015

Having been through 5 losses I can honestly say the pain never completely goes away. Grief can change shape but it's always there. Some days will be easier than others. My advice is to let you feel whatever you need to feel. Whatever it is it is completely valid. Be gentle to yourself on the tough days. Do you have anything that you did in remembrance of your angel? Some women find comfort in planting a tree or a special piece of jewelry. I have some memorial jewelry and I also recently got a tattoo in memory of my angels. I have found getting the tattoo to be the most healing thing for me. I'm so sorry for your loss and the timing of it all on what should have been a completely joyous day. ((hugs))

CTinNV · April 2015

We don't have anything to memorialize the Angels, but I really like that idea, @ellebelle2384. Thank you for sharing your experiences and this idea.

spfclr · April 2015

I can only imagine how tough the anniversary days are for you. I'm sorry for your loss, and for the timing of it. I do believe that time heals or at least makes what happened less painful, but the combination of the miscarriage and part of the joy and fun taken from what you expected that week to be I would imagine takes more time to heal. Thinking of you!

Davie813 · April 2015

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I hope yesterday was as OK as it could be. Big hugs to you.

Kelley421 · April 2015

Big hugs. I wish I could tell you how to cope but I'm still working through that myself. I try to deal by staying busy, starting projects and crafts. My first loss was just over a year ago, and there are still times I remember and feel sad. I doubt that ever goes away, but maybe it won't hurt so bad after a while.

Frenchteachermama · April 2015

Sending you a million hugs. I cannot imagine having that happen the day before my wedding. I just pray that you find peace and your rainbow baby comes soon!!

1983Lindsey2 · April 2015

Big hugs!! I cannot imagine how hard that must have been to have one of the happiest days in your life also be one of the saddest. I am so sorry for all you have been through.

PhoenixRyuu · May 2015

That is a horrible thing to have to remember on your anniversary every year! I'm not sure that I can say anything that will take the sting of that away, but I can tell you what's happened to me over the many, many years of trying, taking breaks, giving up, etc, so you know that you're not alone. Since this all started for us over 8 years ago, it's a little long. I didn't keep the dates of my known losses, but I know that yours is unforgettable and that's really tough. That being said, time really does heal the wounds, and you will feel better, I promise. The few things I would say more than anything else, let your struggles bring you and your husband closer. Fertility issues can drive a wedge between you, but adversity of any kind can also strengthen your marriage. Be there for each other and share everything, your hopes, your fears, your happiness and pain. I don't think I could have survived everything I've been through in the past decade without my wonderful husband. The trick is to never forget that when you're tired, upset, feeling like your sex life is being ripped apart by strangers and has become some kind of medical procedure rather than intimacy, and that can really be hard sometimes. Take time for each other emotionally and sexually, away from TTC. If one of you needs a break, you should take it. A few months isn't going to make or break your TTC efforts, but if it drags on year after year (and hopefully in your case it won't), your TTC efforts can start to break you or him. Remember, the family is built on the foundation of your marriage, not the other way around.

My husband and I got married August 16,2002, and at the time we were in our early 20's and didn't want children. I had one early miscarriage toward the beginning of our marriage at which point I went with a more permanent method of birth control. I figured I'd put it on the table when I was 25, and then in early 2007 when I was 26 I had my IUD removed and expected it would be easy. I knew I'd had a very early miscarriage before I was married and the one since, but wasn't concerned because early miscarriages are common and I hadn't wanted to be pregnant either time, so in a way I had looked at them as a good thing, particularly the one when I was 17. I knew I'd tested with high free testosterone when looking for a reason why I had acne as a teen, but didn't really think of it as a fertility issue. I come from a medical family, though I'm a mechanic, so I started charting immediately and immediately noticed some irregularities. I knew I had a short cycle my whole life, but found out at that point my LP was only 8-10 days and it didn't seem like I ovulated every cycle. I had a chemical and then another one and made an appointment with my OB/GYN who retested my hormones with fertility in mind and found my progesterone was very low and that I was correct that I was not ovulating regularly. I started on Clomid, then I couldn't get pregnant at all, and after 6 cycles we took a break before going to a fertility specialist in 2009. I continued charting and had one more early miscarriage, and at that point I decided that unless my cycles were being medically monitored, I would not test until I missed my second period.

Years of testing and getting our hopes up and loss were taking their toll on both of us - this is that breaking point I was talking about. The fertility doctor found no other issues, just my very low hormones which made the time for implantation so low that it was hard to get pregnant and hard to stay pregnant even if I did. IUI didn't seem like a useful option because it doesn't help with implantation time. I stood good chances with IVF, but couldn't afford it. I gave up on medical treatment in early 2010 and continued charting or using my CBEFM and trying until 2012 when two things happened - one, I turned 32, and had planned to stop at that age anyway and two, I got a BFP for the first time in my life after missing my second period. I thought I was in the clear, but then miscarried at 11 weeks 2 days. Even having had 5 known and I'm not sure how many unknown early miscarriages, I was completely unprepared for a loss at nearly 12 weeks. I knew there was nothing they could do for me at the hospital other than send me a 4-figure bill I couldn't pay, so I didn't go. I had been working on a neighbor's car in front of our houses and had been spotting a little bit for a few days. Before when the bleeding started, it was like a normal to heavy period, but this time, wow. It was so much so fast I was scared and faint, so I tried to make it back down the stairs to call my husband in, but almost passed out halfway, so I sat down on the stairs and called his phone instead. True to the wonderful, loving person he is, he came in, carried me back up the stairs, sat with me to make sure I was all right, helped me into the bath because I couldn't stand to take a shower and then carried me to bed. It was a few days before I was back on my feet. Just over a month from my 32nd birthday and completely emotionally and physically drained, we decided not all things are meant to be.and never tried again.

Yes, we mourned the losses, particularly the last one because it was so horrible. We mourned the loss of the life we thought we were going to have, and then slowly started to make changes, doing things that would make us happy together as a childless married couple. We kept the house we liked even though it's not in the safest area and has a terrible school district (we live 2 blocks from the tragic murder that kicked off the riots here in Baltimore and, yes, we knew Freddie). I left the corporate world and went back to work in the field as a mechanic at a small, family owned company. We got another large breed dog, got rid of the CR-V and as months turned into years we settled into our life. It didn't happen all at once, but I can say that the healing didn't really start until we stopped trying. While we were trying it seemed like that monthly glimmer of hope at the beginning of each cycle that grew when I knew I'd ovulated followed by that 10 day or so wait only to get crushed again, rinse, repeat, 10 times, 20, 50, and on in what seemed like an endless wait just kept ripping everything back open. Sometime in those 3 years from 2012 to 2015 I'd accepted it and become comfortable and eventually happy with our life together. I can't tell you when it happened, not exactly, only that it happened, and when people asked about children, I could just say it wasn't meant to be and that we're very happy and that's it.

Now here's where the story gets a little odd and puts me back on pregnancy sites, which I had stopped visiting after the last loss. Without charting and timing, I didn't get pregnant again either, not once in those three years, at least not that I know of. In fact, it was so long that I got uncareful. Years of charting had taught me to know even without a chart when I was ovulating but 8 years of no birth control and no baby taught me that I couldn't get pregnant and carry to term. January 25th of this year we wanted some personal time, so to speak. We'd been busy and it'd been a while and so when it occurred to me that I was probably ovulating, I smacked the thought down - why ruin a perfect mood when I'd tried so hard and couldn't get pregnant or carry anyway? "It was just once" is for teenagers and people with lots of kids, not people with secondary infertility that started trying 8 years ago and still didn't have any children. What can I say - apparently not? I didn't think much when I missed my period in February and there was a vicious flu going around and all that strange weather in Baltimore, so I didn't think much of the throwing up either. It wasn't until I missed March's period and everyone else had recovered that I started worrying maybe there was something else wrong with me, and said something to my husband (who was apparently about to say something to me). He picked up a test 3/12, and I held off for FMU, ended up waking up at 3AM on 3/13 (appropriately Friday the 13th) and got the shock of my life. The test turned so fast I had to double check which was the test line because the control wasn't even wet yet. Not only was I pregnant, I was already 9 weeks. I woke my husband up to tell him, and we decided not to tell anyone since chances were I would miscarry. I continued doing everything normal - working, etc, and the weeks went by and here I am now, 16 weeks today, still in shock. My work still doesn't know (it's a tough field for pregnant women) and now I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll be 35 next week, my whole life rearranged with the understanding that we weren't going to be parents and now out of nowhere I'm in my second trimester. Nothing would have made me happier years ago, and don't get me wrong, we're still happy, but cautiously so. Not to mention it's going to be a struggle putting the last 3 years in reverse and trying to re-prepare for the child we had come to understand we could never have. On one level, I am waiting every day for the other shoe to drop, on another I know we need to start preparing for a baby, particularly as weeks continue to pass and everything continues to be normal. Hopefully your path is much shorter and easier, but I tell you all this because I'd heard people tell stories of a friend of a friend of someone in their doctor's office or whatever with these decade-long stories that ended in pregnancy, but wondered if they were just some kind of fertility clinic legend because I'd never met an actual person it happened to. Now I can tell you for sure, the stories are true and it really does happen. My husband points to the fact that many women in my family have had children in their 30s and maybe this is normal for us, maybe my hormones regulated at some point. I don't really know since I wasn't being monitored, but I do know now that things change and there's always hope.

CTinNV · May 2015

Wow, @PhoenixRyuu . I'm still sitting here absorbing what you wrote. First, please accept my deep gratitude for you sharing so much about your story. I cannot believe everything you've been through, and I am so happy for you now. So much of what you wrote resonates with me. I especially appreciate your reminder about prioritizing my marriage. It's been a hard first year of marriage for us, but our relationship needs to stay our primary focus, no matter how much we are also focused on TTC.

Thank you again for this great response. I hope you stay in touch and I wish you a H&H 9 months. You have earned it!

Frenchteachermama · May 2015

@PhoenixRyuu wow what a journey. I hope you have nothing but a totally uneventful and healthy rest of your pregnancy! You might like PAIF (pregnant after IF) or SAIF (success after IF), those women are all currently pregnant and I'm sure would be a great support to you. Everyone here is currently trying for another baby.

jeannaqueena · May 2015

I have found reaching out and talking about my losses helps the most. I am an over sharer and over all chatty person. Our first loss at 18 weeks with the twins was by far the hardest. First because I had to deliver them, hold them and then figure out how to let them go. I had never really dealt with grief before in my life. Every day was so hard. Then my milk came in...no one prepared me for that. My husband was the best support. He was so strong for me when I was so weak and then later I was able to be strong for him when he needed it. It is harder for us women as we carry the babies in our bodies, as women we connect quicker to the pregnancies and think of them constantly. My second loss was a CP after I had my 1st DS. Being able to turn to that little 18 month old at the time was so comforting. I had a reason to get out of bed and put on a happy smile. Being PG is never fun for me. Ultrasounds are just stressful and bring more heartaches. Some days I feel I am taking the tour of losses and PG complications in no specific order: CP, 1st trimester missed MC, 2nd Trimester/Stillborn twin loss and then placenta previa, velementous (sp?) cord insertion and hyper spiral, subchorionic hematoma (HUGE bleed while PG thought we were lossing our IVF baby), vaginal delivery of twins, C-section of DS#1, and VBAC for DS#2. I know that I haven't even been close to what others have gone through, but to me it has felt like a lot. When I had my first loss it was comforting when women came out of the wood work and told me of their losses. But then when I got pg...i knew there was no "safe" moment in pregnancy.

I hope you find comfort some way. I think your wedding anniversary will always be bittersweet. Over time I do know it gets easier. I have found the first anniversaries the hardest. I will admit I never thought I would forget the birthday of my twins, but now it is easier to not remember on the date. I have a remembrance necklace for them that I keep hanging on my dresser. Etsy is a wonderful place to dream and design it! I would recommend something that is special to you, but doesn't scream loss so that it is almost a special secret piece of jewerly, that is unless you want someone to ask about its meaning.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you find comfort.

CTinNV · May 2015

Thank you so much for sharing, @Jeannaqueena . Just reading over your signature shows how much you have gone through, and I'm so sorry for your losses. Please be sure to reach out to us as you prepare for your last FET. I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts!

jeannaqueena · May 2015

CTinNV I will!! I really don't want to feel alone during the FET cycle and this will be my first cycle with PIO...I am so scared of that needle. So just being here and reading others are cycling helps so much. Of course, I wish none of us had to be here.

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