bonding after delivery

katedewberry · May 2015

So my husband's family lives half way across the country and as he puts it expects to be here for (or as close to delivery) as possible. I have a big problem with that because that means that they would be staying with us while I am recovering and DH and I are bonding with baby. I asked that they either stay at a hotel, offered for them to stay with my parents - with my parents approval, or have them stay with their daughter who lives in our same town. DH insists that they are going to be offended and that I am being unreasonable. I don't feel like I am. I want bonding time with my son before I have to entertain people. Not to mention my MIL will try to "help" me around the house and she is horrible at it....

Thoughts?

NYMominCA · May 2015

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I have never wanted visitors (beyond people stopping by for an hour or two) until at least 2 weeks postpartum, and usually long after that.

For me it's not only about bonding but you're recovering, figuring out BFing (or even bottle feeding), resting and trying to get used to this new "routine".... It's not a time to entertain.

sschwege · May 2015

Most often in a marriage I am all about compromise and considering other people's feelings. This is one of the few times in your life where you get to say, "To F with what everyone else wants, it's about what you want!" Sorry DH doesn't get a vote either!

My in-laws stayed with us when our first was born and it wasn't terrible but I think I underestimated what recovery and BFing would be like. After my first I decided I wanted my mother staying with us or no one. I wanted to be able to leave out menstrual pads, tucks pads, have my nipples exposed around the clock since BFing is pretty much all you do in the beginning (if you are planning to) and cry for no good reason other than my hormones are all over the place and I just want a good cry, without having my MIL & FIL looking on. They are nice people but they aren't my parents and I just don't feel that level of comfort with them. DH wasn't thrilled to have to tell his mom they would have to go to a hotel after the baby is born but I think at this point he knows it's about what makes me most comfortable, not his parents.

Stick to your guns on this one!

Fireworks813 · May 2015

Oh my gosh. No. Do not give in, you are completely in the right!!!

mnj05 · May 2015

I echo what's been said and once your husband sees what postpartum looks like, he'll be glad his parents aren't around.

kmode13 · May 2015

FTM here but I would most certainly hold your ground on this one. Having relatives in town seems to me to be enough to handle, but having them stay with you at or soon after birth seems rough. I don't live near my parents, but my mom will be coming out a week or so after birth. Even so, she will be using my car and staying elsewhere in order to allow DH & I to bond and have our time when needed.

Is there anyone close to you and your husband who have recently had kids? If so, possible see if their perspective would help him realize that the first days and weeks are precious times that you need and that could be really difficult if you felt "invaded" or as if you lost the time to family commitments.

Another possible thought is seeing if a doctor could advise you not to entertain beyond "x hours" the first few weeks postpartum. Might help make your argument

mamom0103 · May 2015

We were in a similar situation with my in-laws when DS was born. We stood our ground and said no house guests. They are still upset 2 years later but it was worth it. You need that time without entertaining. We will do the same this time.

RaquelandBabyRodarte · May 2015

My mom stayed with me the first week or so. It was amazing! She would give me naps in between feedings.

gmk1784 · May 2015

I'm in the same boat. DH's parents live 3 hours away and I'm sure they'll expect to stay at our house. They need a lot of attention and they always expect me to cook big meals so I'm saying no. They can stay with my parents who live 10 mins away or BIL who's half an hour away

bethanylynn456 · May 2015

I know that with my son I tried to hold visitors off for a little while and am so glad I did, it was nice to be able to settle in without worrying about keeping the house clean for guests, etc.
I think you're totally right to ask for a little space especially if there's other family close by for them to stay w
ith.

vdesaxe · May 2015

Ugh! I just went through this same thing!! I'm am due July 16 so we told them the earliest they could come Was August 6th.. Tickets were booked and they booked the 5th i think just to make the point to not listen to what we requested.
Don't give in! It's your time with your son and husband. If your mil is like mine which it sounds like she is you are not going to want her there... They have to understand!!

DrHolly · May 2015

I agree I tried to explain this to my mum and sister, that we want to be home just the 3 of us for a couple of weeks. They were quite upset and accused my DH of trying to keep them away and said they only want to help, basically meaning that he will be useless and they know better what I will need. So I had to convince them he will be a good Dad and that we will manage without them - they can come later when things are settled a little. No one can predict how things will go with a newborn so I'd rather not have visitors, even if they are family, trying to be helpful but basically stressing me out even more!

ashleytiff · May 2015

My husband only gets a week of leave from work...if he wants more it will cut in to his vacation time. I'm not allowing any visitors because I don't want him to have to share that time with anyone. His mom wanted to stay for 2 weeks and I said no one is coming to stay with us for at least a month.

jessicayounghouse · May 2015

I went through the same thing when we had our first. Hubby's mom had to be here and refuses to stay elsewhere. He promised she would help around the house while I took care of baby... blah blah blah. Her idea of helping was holding baby while I put away their dishes. Or how about brewing me my first cup of coffee in 8 months out of grounds that had already been brewed once that morning because their selfish asses drank the first pot without offering me any! I had an episiotomy, was in terrible pain, and bled profusely for a week. Needless to say it was the most uncomfortable I had ever been with myself in my entire life. I was dead set on breastfeeding and was a nervous wreck about my milk not coming in. She insisted on bottle feeding. It was a nightmare, and I was a bitch. That's all I can say about that, I was mean. But I never felt bad about the way I acted. I yelled at them, my husband included. I told him I didn't want anyone there and he insisted it wouldn't be that bad. It was that bad. My MIL got to know me and my preferences a little better, not that she agrees with them. We don't hate each other now. We made it through. But this isn't one of those situations where I'm looking back and thinking that I overreacted. It was as bad as I had knew it would be. Stick to your guns if you can. If you can't, do not be afraid to head to the nursery or your bedroom, close (and lock... It might just be my in-laws, but a closed door to them means come on in!) the door, and enjoy as much alone time as you need with your baby. Good luck and I'll be praying for you!

babydoll1008 · May 2015

It shouldn't be what your husband's family wants. This should be what YOU want! When I was a FTM, I wanted my mom to be there before, during and after delivery. But my little man came early so we had five days until she came to help around the house and whatever. When she got here, she wanted to organize all the stuff she brought with her (my old things), she wanted to shop, she wanted to can and have me help can and I was exhausted keeping up with her haha. But she's a very let's-get-to-it kind of person.

The five days that I had before she came were priceless. And I didn't understand how important it was for that time alone with my little family until the crazy happened. It was so nice. I would recommend bonding time for everyone. It's nice and peaceful.

If your husband is so adamant on having his family there, you can tell him that he can do all the entertaining because you have important things to do haha. But seriously, they can't expect you to entertain. You just had a baby. Go up to your room for privacy as often as you need to if they insist but I would definitely try and have them come later.

katedewberry · May 2015

WOW, thank you ladies! I didn't think that I was being overly sensative, now I know that I am not. I am going to hold my ground and if the in-laws have a problem, they are going to have to deal with it. If the hubby has a problem with it, then he is going to have to deal with it. You all have confirmed everything that I was feeling. This is a precious moment in my life, I hope that my husband will understand that one day and I am going to focus on my new little family.

Thank you!!!!!

mers90 · May 2015

I think that in some cultures the quarantine is supposed to be like sacred bonding time for the mother and child and you're only allowed to visit to bring food for the new mom, I THINK shikhs do that, but I'm not sure, anyway, it should be like this everywhere! It's a difficult time and you're supposed to be able to sleep every time the baby sleeps, it doesn't matter if it's 2pm!

bonding after delivery

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