Alright, I've f***ing had it...

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Hey ladies. If any of you have read my posts, you'll know that my very bipolar MIL is crashing on my couch "until that baby girl comes!" Well, iI was due yesterday, and honestly, I feel the stress of her presence is really delaying any progress I should have made by now. Granted, baby will come when she's ready, but ever since my MIL showed up and started, literally, crying four times a day about how terrible her life is, I haven't even had any BH - which were coming fast and furious week by week. She said yesterday "well, I can only stay til the seventh because of blah blah blah.." Then today, she announced that she's canceling all her "plans" (aka, sitting on her couch moping, chain smoking and letting her dog piss and shit all over the house) to stay indefinitely to "help" with the baby when she does arrive... So much for her coming without an induction! I'm so stressed out having her here, I finally broke down in front of her and my hubby... All I could say is "I just want my space back..." She immediately decided I hated her and threatened to kill herself is she doesn't get to be here when the baby comes... Now my DH is mad at me and my MIL is all weepy on the couch and whenever I'm in the room she says something like "I thought we were family" or "I'm only here to help..."

Its so unfair. I just want the smell of dog and cigarettes out if my house, and a quiet space without someone else's emotions overriding what's supposed to be a happy time for me and my family... Ugh... I'm lost. I can't stop crying... I'm almost ready to get a hotel and just disappear til my Lil girl comes... Worst of all, my DH just doesn't get why I'm upset... Sigh...

shinderlea · May 2015

Going through a similiar experience. I sympathize with you. Sorry youre having to deal with this! I feel like it takes the excitement away from upcoming baby arrival. Trying to relax. But it is STRESSFUL! Hang in there!

MommaAlyx · May 2015

OMG I'm trying so hard to relax too but I just can't... I don't hate my MIL but seriously I cant handle her emotional shit and mine at the same time.

CanadaMom17 · May 2015

Go get a hotel until your DH grows a pair.

MommaAlyx · May 2015

@CanadaMom17 , will you be my best friend, lol

mrswynn2014 · May 2015

Get a hotel or stay with a friend. Maybe even one night away to relax will do you and baby good. Good luck with everything!

nicolebishop91 · May 2015

We almost had to have dh's two brothers move in with us. Neither are employed so they would have been here all the time. Thankfully their mother stepped in and took care of them. So I was totally stressing about unwanted house guests so close to my due date. And they were only unwanted cause we live in 400 sqft one bedroom apartment. And we have a 4 year old too. So it just would have been bad. I can't imagine having that stress, I'm so sorry. This is time you and dh should be cherishing together. Cuddles and movies some honest alone time. Cause it will be a while before you get that again. And also, after the baby is born both you and dh need to bond and find your own footing as parents. Unfortunately some grandparents don't understand that unless you ask for help you don't need them. If she has her own place she needs to go home. Its not like she has no where to go right? And you are NOT going to want her holding the baby unless she is in clean clothes and showered cause that smoke will transfer to baby. I agree hotel, friends house anything is better than dealing with that. And dh needs to realize while his mother is important, you and that baby are his first priority and if you need her gone he needs to man up. Good luck girl.

hannahhassonn · May 2015

Omg. Your peace is more important that her emotional shit. Yes, if she won't leave, go stay somewhere so your labor will progress. That kind of stress absolutely has an effect. DH needs to protect your environement, not her emotional insecurity.

TBsquared · May 2015

Send her home. She can come back after the baby is born

Knottie54288128 · May 2015

MIL needs to either respect your wishes, such as not smoking at your house while you are pregnant, and making sure that her dog is cleaned up after, or GTFO. WTF is DH thinking?

Brieb33 · May 2015

You poor girl!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this! You definitely need to be preparing emotionally and mentally for baby and this lady is getting in the way in EVERY way. If your husband can't understand that then that's awful. Do you have any family nearby? Or a good friend or hotel maybe last resort. You need your rest, and you LO needs mom to be at peace. I hope she will get out soon and everything goes back to normal soon for you. I'm so sorry!!

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Thanks ladies. None of my family lives much closer than 700 miles, and I've got no friends that can accommodate me. Plus, I have an three year old that's absolutely glued to me all the time, and he'd be heart broken if I left for a few days... He's already gonna have a hard time with me going to the hospital for a day. I'd likely bring him with, as he actually brings me comfort... At least more than my DH is right now.

vintagemom42 · May 2015

Oh wow. Cigarettes? Not happening! How much more selfish people can get towards a pregnant woman? This is several shades of wrong!!!! DH needs a new pair, not grow one! Grrrrr! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this right now.

FTArmyM · May 2015

She smoking in ur fucking house? What a bitch! Make her ass feel guilty and tell her that smoking in the house increases the chances of SIDS . (It really does) gtfoh mil smh

Bean32 · May 2015

Doesn't she only live 1.5 hours away? I would tell her to go home and that you'll definitely call when you go into labor. She has no reason to be in your house bugging the crap out of you. I would also make a big deal out of needing time as a nuclear family once baby is born. Maybe tell her that she is welcome to come and stay for a few days to help out, but that you want to get everything back to normal for your older child as soon as possible.

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Thanks again ladies. No, she's not smoking in the house, but she smokes like its going out of style and drags the smell in with her... Then proceeds to plant her ass on my couch and now my couch stinks too. I used to smoke before this pregnancy, and that's probably why I'm so intolorant of it now... Sensitive nose coupled with a slight bit of resentment. She did, however, decide it was okay to smoke in my car... I showed up at my doc appt that day and my MW chewed me out thinking I had started smoking again because I smelled like butts. My MIL was right there and didn't say a word!

I had a talk with DH last night after his mom went to bed and calmly told explained to him how stress doesn't just affect me, it affects baby too. I told him each of the issues I had with her staying for so long, and how its affecting out DS and his schedule, and that things will be twice as hard if his mom stays any longer than we agreed upon. For a while he said nothing. I decided he needed time to think about it, so I left for an hour to drive around and relax (I got pulled over by a cute cop too for having a plate light out -_^) and when I got back, DH was asleep too. This morning he said that his mom is leaving on Thursday, regardless of baby's arrival. Big relief! But, we'll see what her plans really are. She's been moping around all morning and being kind of a bitch, but I truely don't GAF. I have a half day to myself tomorrow too, and I can't wait!! Things will look up, but I can honestly say, this has been the single most stressful week of my entire life... Seriously. I'm still mad at DH too... I'm just glad he finally came to his senses, even though he's still a giant douche...

Tabbi8486 · May 2015

I would tell her to go home. She has no right to just show up and put extra stress on you. I don't care who got mad at if I was in your situation I would force her to leave. That's absolutely ridiculous! I'm not even having my mom head here until I go into labor and she lives 3 hours away. I would freak out if she showed up here before my due because I just don't need any stress. Bipolar makes things difficult but that's no excuse for her to be acting like that. She needs to grow up and realize that this isn't all about her.

hmcconn · May 2015

I'm glad your husband has been able to step up and be on your team and draw some good boundaries - it must be so frustrating for you but also that's a really big step for him. Just imagine, he has to have been getting these kinds of guilt trips and pressure to take care of her emotional needs his *whole life.* Breaking away from those patterns is hard, and a sign of how much he cares for you and your children and is willing to grow even if his first response wasn't what you would have hoped for. Yay for everyone!

MommaAlyx · May 2015

@hmcconn yeah, at first I thought the same thing, until she, once again today reminded me that she's ready to cancel her appointments in Massachusetts (we're in Maine) so that she can stay until further notice. As soon as she said that, I texted my DH and was like "wtf?" He said "I never said she was leaving for sure on the 7th..." So he never actually said anything to her, and he just lied to me this morning to try to get me to relax, which worked until I found out he f***ing lied to me...

Now I'm even more pissed, and all that stress I thought I had released is back. I told my MIL that when I go to the doctors tomorrow, ALONE, I'll be asking about stress and the effects on labor and the baby... I said this to try to give her a hint. I did say I wanted my house back, and she said something along the lines of "ah, well, I want to see my granddaughter. If I don't get to see her right after she's born, I'm going to kill myself."

F***ing seriously?

bean8213 · May 2015

Dude - you need to put your foot down. I would tel your DH that either she leaves or you are going to take the toddler and drive to your family's house and have the baby at a hospital near them instead. If you don't do something now, she's not going to leave after the baby is born either.

Was she this crazy with your first?

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Yeah, she forced her way into the delivery room. And I'd stay with family, but the closest one can't accommodate me and my first... He's living in a hotel. I'm pretty much trapped. When he gets home tonight, I'm telling him that if she doesn't leave by her original date (the 7th) that I'm gonna stay in a hotel til the baby comes, and that I won't be telling anyone where I'm staying, or when I go into labor. I much rather give birth in a f***ing hotel than deal with my MIL beyond Thursday.

IamKeiserSoze11 · May 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My MIL is stressing me out, but nothing lIke this.

cbrtncanadian · May 2015

Lurking from June 2015 - I hope you ladies don't mind if I comment this situation seems worth it to me to comment on.

@MommaAlyx... I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with such a difficult situation. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to be in your place.

If MIL does have bipolar disorder that certainly complicates things further - however if she just seems to have one of those up/down personalities it may be a little easier.

Either way I would likely sit down with her and be honest. I would also require that my DH be there and on the same page otherwise I would be seriously considering a lengthy discussion about his need to grow up - if he can't be supportive in this how can you rely on him in other situations? Togetherness is a partnership. Together I would tell her that you are committed to the health of the family. Your health the babies health and her health. And this situation is not conducive to anyone being healthy.

I would suggest that she seek outside resources because I would never feel comfortable with threats of harming herself and also her caring for a new human being. I would make her involvement conditional upon her demonstrating that she can engage in her own care. I would further say that I am unwilling to compromise when a situation puts my health and babies health at risk and that is exactly what is happening.

I think the message has to be that you accept her but not her choices and behaviour, and that you want her to be involved - but like anyone else if they cannot keep themselves healthy/well they are not able to hang out at the house or care for baby, and VISITS will be at your discretion.

Are there mental health resources available in your area? The constant threatening of killing herself if this... suggests that this is likely more than anyone should be expected to help her with other than a professional. It's also not okay to guilt you like that if there's not a mental health disorder.

If there are no actual mental health concerns my message would be short and simple this situation is not healthy or okay. I love and accept you but it's time for you to go home so that I can focus on the last few weeks of keeping this baby healthy. You will be called when it's appropriate. I hope you will respect my wishes and understand this is not about you it's about the best possible environment for me and the baby.

I hope for all the best for you, your LO and your family.

MrsWhiteToBe · May 2015

There's a lot of mental illness in my family too, including bipolar relatives. Last time someone told me if I/someone else didn't do x, they would hurt/kill themselves, my response was "...K."

They so far have not killed themselves.

princesslockness · May 2015

MrsWhiteToBe said:
There's a lot of mental illness in my family too, including bipolar relatives. Last time someone told me if I/someone else didn't do x, they would hurt/kill themselves, my response was "...K."

They so far have not killed themselves.

This! I'm not a nice person when I've had enough, so take this with that background.
I'd just tell her to GTFO. If there was a mention of suicide, my response would be something along the lines of: 'well, sucks for you to miss this grandchild, but if you don't get out baby and I will not be here. So either way you will miss this kid.'

Again I am a bitch when pushed past my limit.

danibonello · May 2015

My response would be similar to PP..... don't let her guilt or threaten you. Her problems are HER problems, not yours. Your hubby really needs to choose between his wife and his mother. I get that it's not easy... I also have a guilt trip laying MIL, and my hubby feels bad for her a lot of the time, but he has also learned that the only way for he and I to have a healthy relationship is to put his foot down with her, which sometimes means just ignoring her completely. Your MIL is like a child... her tactics are getting her the response that she wants. It needs to stop.

I'd call her bluff.... but I have no tolerance for people threatening me like that.

Good luck!!! Oh, and there is no way I'd let that nut in the delivery room. You can make it the job of the hospital staff to keep her out. They should even lie for you if that's what it takes and say that only 1 support person is allowed.

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Tomorrow, I have two job interviews and a doctors appointment. Afterward, she's getting the preemptive boot. I lost it when her dog pissed on my sons bed and all she said was "aww, poor girl must be stressed out." Then proceeded to smoke three cigarettes and eat lunch before even attempting to clean it up. Thank God for waterproof mattress protectors.

I, again, texted DH and told him that this is the last straw, and when he got home, he tried, with no success, to convince me that she needs to be here or she'll hurt herself. I simply said "I don't give a fuck anymore." It felt good. I don't care about her feelings any more... I want my fucking space back... Plus, I spent a month deep cleaning my house for the arrival of my little girl, and now its trashed... Not good for a nesting, slightly ocd mom to be.

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Thanks for all the empowering suggestions ladies. I feel good having some backing here. I can't wait to relieve this stress and meet my baby girl!

bijou1983 · May 2015

Oh my goodness, I really hope things work out! It sucks that people think they have any right to impose themselves on your space because you're having a baby. I know I was stressed having to tell my dad and MIL that I'm not taking any visitors at the hospital other than DH and my mom--and they pretty much just accepted it cuz they had to. What you are going through is just madness! Good luck and Godspeed!

CateOfChicago · May 2015

My mil is super overbearing but she does respect the boundaries I set. She would be devastated if she wasn't able to come see the baby right after she was born. If I were you, I would put mil up in a hotel with her dog. That's a fair compromise.

Btw, bitches dog pees on my kids bed, she's buying a new bed that day or else she won't need to kill herself. I would do it for her.

padleylynn · May 2015

At this point I would pack her stuff up and put it on the lawn, tell her to get out now or I call the cops. If DH threw a fit about it I'd pack a bag for him too. You don't need the stress or the mess.I would also have a maid service come clean the house then take her to small claims court to pay for it. At the point your at I wouldn't care about ruining any relationship, it's probably ruined already.

(edited because apparently I can't use the right word at 1 am.)

rosannewild · May 2015

This sounds like more than bipolar disorder. It seems along the lines of a personality disorder. She does this shot because it works for her to get what she wants. She needs to be in some kind of treatment and not have people scrambling around to keep from making her upset. If I were in your shoes l would require her to get treatment. There's no excuse to know you're ill and expect everyone else to take care of it but you. My policy with self harm threats is to call emergency services and let them deal with her. She'll either knock it off quick or earn three days observation in a paper dress. Her choice.

ashleyk251 · May 2015

OMG I'm sorry you're going through this! You are too nice. I'm an angry pregnant woman and wouldn't have put up with smoking AND dogs messing in my house while this pregnant and uncomfortable. I get angry at my mom for just coming around me smelling like cigarettes. You shouldn't have to pay for a hotel and get kicked out of your own home. Just calmly sit your husband and MIL down today and tell them exactly what you told us originally. You can't handle the stress anymore and she can come back once the baby is here. Except maybe don't let her come back either once the baby gets here

MrsKaylaDixon · May 2015

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this! I can't tell you how I read your post and it just seems so familiar. My MIL is the exact same way. In fact, she lived with us for six months until I got pregnant and when we told her she started doing the same shit your MIL is doing. I hit my last straw when I left town for a few days and DH told me she was talking all kinds of shit about me while I was gone to him. (All untrue) I told him then and there that stress wasn't good for me or baby, and that I could stay five hours away at my relatives until she got out. Long short. DH didn't like her talking about me like that anyway, so out she went with all her stuff. I know how hard it is to be married to someone who is being manipulated by their own mother. What helped me is I just let her dig her own pit and said nothing besides she needed to go if that's how she felt about me.

napleswildcat73 · May 2015

I'm in total disbelief reading all this. First of all, your MIL is a grown ass woman, who is behaving like a child...and if she's threatening to kill herself, she's psycho-but not suicidal. True Suicidal people don't announce their undoing like that. She's simply trying to manipulate her way into staying. Clearly she's not in her right mind and that is certainly a stress you DO NOT have to take on! It has been proven that stress during pregnancy is related to colic. So ask your husband if he wants to be up all hours of the day and night dealing with a baby who does not stop crying for 3-4 solid months! That's the trade off he's asking for right now. Truly! I would also have him read all these posts, so perhaps he will understand that it's absolutely NOT NORMAL for a pregnant woman (or anyone for that matter) to have to deal with a situation like this. I would definitely put my foot down and make HER go to a hotel and then I would make my husband pay for a maid to come and get the house back in order. Once that is taken care of, your body will let go and you'll finally be able to bring this bundle of joy into your lives. Stand your ground kiddo!! You can do this!

michellejessup · May 2015

I told my husband his mom was not allowed to come until after the baby is born and we are home from the hospital, she has to stay at a hotel, and no visitors before noon any day. And I'm sticking to my guns!

Kendra322 · May 2015

Your MIL needs to realize that this time is very special for you and your family and its not about her. It's great that she wants to be there to help out but at the same time, she needs to understand its your rules, your house. If you don't feel that she'll bend at all to help you out meet her half way. Tell her the cigarette smoking inside bothers you and also remind her that its very unhealthy for the baby- ask her to take it outside. If she's really there to help, she'll understand. Ignore the dog situation if she'll at least meet you half way. Either way you need to be firm with her. This is your time, your moment. She's had her time and her moment. Trust me, I go through this same bs with my mil.

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Just got out of my 40+ appt, my midwife informed me my bp is elevated, and the baby's heart rate was slightly elevates. She asked me how I've been feeling, and I broke down and cried to her about the whole thing. She said that if my stress continues, induction becomes more dangerous and a c section becomes more likely, and that's exactly what I should tell my DH and my MIL. I've made no progress for 3 weeks now (1.5cm, 60% effaced) and that's a bit of cause for concern too. She swept my membranes for a third time and hugged me... I already texted DH and told him what my MW told me, and he hasn't responded. I hate this so much. When I get home, MIL is getting the earful of her life. I'm at the end of my rope!

thughes05 · May 2015

So reading thru what you have said and what some of the others have said here's my opinion! I think that even if she doesn't leave you need to tell your DH and His mom that she needs to leave for a few hours a day. You need your space because you may not get it when your baby arrives. Your DH needs to respect your wishes even if he doesn't agree with them. This is not about him and his mom it is about you and the baby! Stress is definitely not something you need right now!

kristaelaine86 · May 2015

I agree, her stuff would be on the lawn and if DH couldn't support that his would be too!

I would seriously lose it over the smoking and dog. Sounds like you have had way more patience with her than anyone should!

MommaAlyx · May 2015

Well, after my interview (which I nailed!) I came home, told my MIL what my MW said, and told her flat out I want my house back to myself. She looked at me like I had two heads, and after a long pause, she said "well, that's too bad, because I'm staying til next Tuesday whether you like it or not." I'm lost for words, I started crying and she just got up slowly and strutted out of the room like she just be on the fucking lottery. This woman is out of her fucking mind. She pretty much just indicated that she doesn't give a fuck what I want or about the health of the baby or me... Plus, after having to provide for her (food and such) since she's been here, DH and I have no money, which means I have no escape to like a hotel or anything. I'm alone here....

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