He wants to give our baby up for adoption?!

sterjacks21 · May 2015

Yesterday my boyfriend came into town for my graduation. We were sitting on the couch and he told me he would like us to look into adoption for our little guy. This put me to tears. I absolutely will not give my little boy up for adoption! My boyfriends reasoning is that we cannot give him the life that he deserves. But I don't see why not? Yes in the beginning times will be tough, but others go through the same thing! I am so distraught over him saying these things. I couldn't sleep last night and I'm not even excited for graduation anymore or the fact that on Sunday we are moving in together. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Now I'm questioning if he even wants to be with me and the baby, or if he even loves us. As I'm writing this I can feel my little guy doing his little wake up dance inside of me, there is no way I'm letting him go, I love him way way way too much!

bpv101283 · May 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have much advice except if I were you I would definately evaluate the relationship before I dove into moving in together. He may be afraid right now which is ok. But you need to find the most stable place for you and a newborn and hold on to that until you guys are on the same page.

PerkinsFam3 · May 2015

First of all, Congrats on graduation!!! You should be excited & proud! That's definitely one way you can give your baby a great life & things to aspire to! If I'm remembering correctly, your BF lives in another town & attends a different college, right? I think moving in together will bring you closer, and maybe make him realize that even though it's a drastic change having a baby, it's not as scary as he may think. Once your beautiful boy is here, he won't be able to imagine life without a son. Stuck to your guns! Good luck, mama!

KellyT22 · May 2015

Moving in together and parenting will bring a new set of challenges. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him on whether he wants to parent this child or not. It's better to know and lay out a plan now than after you've moved in together.

rachelkawesome · May 2015

bpv101283 's advice. Putting a baby up for adoption is a huge thing, so he must be pretty serious about it to bring it up to you. I think you should put moving in together on hold if possible until you can talk this out and get on the same page. Putting a baby up for adoption or choosing to keep him/her is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so I think that decision has to come before any decisions about your relationship (ie moving in together). It's so hard, but you will have to weigh what's best for you, what's best for the baby, and what's best for your boyfriend against each other, and make some tough choices.

And most importantly I think, you have to be able to live with whatever decision you make. You don't want to carry resentment towards your boyfriend if you put the baby up for adoption when you weren't comfortable with it.

Gosh, this is rough. Good luck to you, I'll be thinking about you!

sterjacks21 · May 2015

Thank you ladies. I already know I'm not giving him up. So I guess for right now I just need to decide what's going on with this relationship

sarahlinde · May 2015

Good for you! I had my daughter when I was 17, she is now 17. It was not easy at first but we made it through and we bboth have had a very good life so far. Things did not work out for her father and I which was for the best. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right! I hope everything works out for you!

Sweetpea192 · May 2015

First off I'm sorry your going through this. That kind of bombshell can not be easy to process. Before you move in with your boyfriend I think you both need to lay your cards on the table & have a heart to heart. Was you expecting a reaction like that from him? You need to find out why now he doesn't want this baby. I think that moving in with him will not change anything if he has his mind set. Having a baby can put a lot of stress on any couple. I hope you can get through this & as PP have said he may just be scared but you wont know till you talk. Good luck

Rachelsbaby · May 2015

You might want to reconsider moving in with him seeing he does not want the baby. This might put a stran on ur relationship. I'm so sorry your going though this but u need to do what is best for you and baby. Things always have a way of working out, who nows maybe when the baby comes he will realize he made a huge mistake. Just take one day at a time you have some great things ahead a new baby and graduation embrace these things as they only come around once.

Growingapepper · May 2015

I've always heard that you become a mom the moment you find out your pregnant, but a man doesn't become a dad until he sees the baby the first time. He's probably so scared and he doesn't have that connection you have with the baby yet, and he's just trying to think "logically." I agree with perkinsfam3, moving in together is a great way to get closer and maybe he'll be able to warm up to the idea of a little family if you guys start your own nest together. If it doesn't work out, you can always leave. But I dont think he'll change his mind about adoption as easily if you just talk about it, he needs to be SHOWN that having this baby is a good thing and that you guys can do it! Just being around you and seeing how you interact with the baby while it's still inside you, seeing you set up a crib, maybe going to an ultrasound could all be great ways for him to bond to the baby and idea of family. Otherwise, it might be really difficult to talk him out of his current mindset

theglitteredpterodactyl · May 2015

Adoption is a pretty big thing to throw on the table like that, but I think it's fair that he gets to process his experience with all of this. Especially considering an unplanned pregnancy (I'm remembering correctly, right?), it doesn't seem unreasonable to let him go through the thought process that he needs to. Hopefully talking to him calmly and rationally, and listening to his reasons, could help him process what are probably just a lot of normal fears of being overwhelmed with these huge changes. With the distance and school, it's very likely he's not feeling that connected to what's going on in your belly and so he might just be feeling overwhelmed with all the negative aspects instead of getting to enjoy the good stuff. I hope you two find your way through this and land on what works best for both of you, and most importantly, what's best for that baby. Good luck, and you can always vent on here!

MW5280 · May 2015

I'm a birth mom. I got pregnant with my oldest when I was barely 21 and wasn't prepared to parent. (The circumstances around me getting pregnant weren't the greatest.)

It is not an easy choice to make and it isn't a decision you can come to overnight. I went back and forth for months. I used an adoption agency that did a lot of pregnancy counseling in order to determine what was really the best thing to do with him.

I loved him and cared for him while pregnant. I found the greatest parents for him and we chose to have an open adoption. I see him frequently and have always been part of his life. In fact, he was at SDs birthday party last night. His mom came wedding dress shopping with me. The stepkiddos and I plan to hang out with my son and his brother and mom every Friday this summer.

I can't tell you what to do but I wanted to speak up and present another perspective.

It sounds like you and your bf need to get some counseling. If you would like to know who I used, let me know. They aren't pushy about placing your child; they just want you to make the choice that is best for you and your baby.

yessirio · May 2015

I'm so sorry ur going through this honey... the only advice I can give u is too think about u n ur baby... at the beginning of my pregnancy I told my bf I was pregnant n I knew he never wanted kids but I make sure he knew that with him or without him I was having my baby! Men can b selfish n telling u the truth I can give 2 f***s what he think! I love him with all my heart but in my case I'm more a mother than a woman...
Now we live together n he's scare sometimes but listen this is life not a game... Do whatever u think will make u happy

Good luck sweetie

ktbkitten · May 2015

I had my son when I was 18, was it hard? Yes! Was it totally worth everything? YES! He is a happy and healthy 10 year old. He's my world. I couldn't imagine my life without him. There were many other choices that I could have made, but I made the hard choice and decided to give my child the best life that I could. You know that you are going to keep your son, but if your SO is thinking it isn't a good idea the relationship might need some evaluation. I would tell him that it wasn't an option for me, but give him the opportunity to be there or not. It is going to make it harder on you but worth it. I would also find out if it is just worry or if he isn't wanting to have a family with you. Nothing ever works out like planned and things that are important don't come easy, that should be obvious with both of you graduating this year. Hopefully you can work this out and calm his fears. Good luck and congratulations on graduating.

kvilla4 · May 2015

If I were you I would have a long hard talk with him before you even move in
It can be a problem once you move in and start finding out things you may not like
Talk to him don't let him get in the way of your happiness
Enjoy you're graduation only happeneds once in a life time
If he decides he can't have a kid
Then its probably the best you found out now rather then him keep lying to you
Let's hope for the best
Be happy ❤️

JenLovesDesign · May 2015

You know, first I swore in my head a lot at your boyfriend. I also remember your post about the ultrasound. I think though that you should be understanding that parenthood for both the mother and father are very serious. My first thought was 'how dare he!', and thinking he just wants out of the entire situation. I do understand his point of view. Unplanned is unplanned. However, at this point in our pregnancies, we can see how ridiculous this is to think you would just be willing to do that. That's something that you probably would have been thinking about for a while. He's detached...he doesn't know. So those are my thought.

I think you should break up with him and have nothing more to do with him other than figure out what kind of father he is willing to be. I know that's tough, but he will either come around, or you won't waste your time on him. Don't be the clingy girlfriend and don't move in with him.

piscesmommy222 · May 2015

Did you tell him adoption is NOT something you are considering? What was his reaction to that?

irenejean · May 2015

Congratulations on graduating! I'm so sorry you have to deal with your boyfriend's comments. I have nothing to add to pps, sending positive thoughts your way and clarity of mind. It sounds like you have some tough choices ahead.

mamadeez · May 2015

Talk to him about it without attacking him and see what's really causing this. He might love you and the baby more than you think but feels like he is not able to provide you both the life he believes is neccesary. People often build expectations on what a family looks like and what a mans role in a family is and it can hold them back in life. When I was a baby my dad and mom split up and at first he thought it'd be best if he wasn't in my life because he was insecure and afraid that his presence would hurt me more than help me in life.

It can be overwhelming becoming a parent. Financially and beyond. If this wasn't planned maybe he thinks he will fail your baby because he is not ready to be the father he thinks you and your child deserve.

cakes27 · May 2015

You've received a lot if good advice already, I don't really have anything to add. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but better he told you now rather than after moving in together. Good luck! I remember my DH was totally freaked out when I was pregnant with our first and even got freaked out when we found out we're pregnant this time around, worrying about being able to provide even though we were trying. I think that's normal. Hopefully you can talk it through and work it out. Try not to let it ruin your graduation though, enjoy this time!

str13 · May 2015

My pregnancy now is unplanned. DH took it very hard. He was still reeling from our other two kiddos, and now another was thrown into the mix. He asked me to get an abortion. I told him that wasn't a decision I was able to make, I explained that emotionally I wouldn't be able to take a blow like that. (I have no issue with any woman that has to make that decision, I just wasn't able to.)
It broke my heart. I loved the little pea the moment I saw two lines on the test. I explained that this was our baby and I couldn't do that. He told me that it wasn't really a baby yet.
We differed on our perspective towards baby. To him there was still wiggle room in what could be done, to me there wasn't.
He asked me to at least think about it. So I asked him the same, just to think about us keeping baby. About a week later DH and I discussed it again, and we were in agreement, keeping baby. He said that as he thought about it, he couldn't imagine not having our girls, and this little one was going to be a part of us now.

I'm not saying that if you give him time, he'll come around. He may, but he may not. But maybe he only needs time to process such a big change.

SiaraMayo · May 2015

Make sure he is serious... before continuing, make sure he won't leave you in a very hard position of being a single mother... But try not to stress, he's probably worried as this is a big decision and he's freaking out just as much as you are. As long as you two are good to go, and you know he won't leave you, things will fall into place. It will be hard.. but you both did the deed and adoption might not be something horrible of you can't take care of the little guy. If you do decide, there are options for open adoption to have visits with your son. I understand you not wanting to and to toss that on you is very difficult. But just listen to him and try and ease his stress. Good luck, dear. Hope things work out.

lemondroplife · May 2015

It's ultimately your choice. You don't have to listen to your bf and I would definitely reevaluate your relationship with him before your little boy comes into the world. It would be easier to know if you're going to be a single mom beforehand. Good luck!

roundhousekick · May 2015

I haven't had a chance to read all of the other comments so I hope this isn't repetitive!

Congratulations on your graduation!! What a wonderful accomplishment! I am so sorry you have to go through this stress, it would be confusing and heartbreaking. My parents had me when they were young (19) and my moms doctor tried to pressure her to have an abortion, or give me up for adoption. I am SO thankful that my parents made the decision to keep me!! We may not have had the most fancy things growing up but I always felt SO LOVED and always had my basic necessities met! I have the best parents ever! It's not the material possessions I remember, it's the time they spent with me and things that they taught me. In my opinion a loving family/parent is the most valuable thing a child can have! Rather than having everything handed to me growing up, I was taught to work very hard for everything I have now and I appreciate that! The love you have for your son is already so evident, whether your relationship continues or you feel it's best to put it on hold or end things, you are going to be such a wonderful mom! Hugs!

rachelkawesome · May 2015

I responded to this already, but I just want to add that, even though I may be just an anonymous person on the internet, I'm feeling for you and offering all the support I can!

aleecats · May 2015

I was in the same boat when my fiancé and I got our BFP.... It turned into a really awful fight and basically told him that I was keeping the baby with or without him, and that that was a choice he had to make for himself. He told me he wasn't ready to be a dad and that if that's what it came down to he was done. I told him I hated him (seems extreme but I'm not even supposed to be able to have kids so it broke my heart that he wanted to walk away from our miracle) he came back less than 20 minuets later and told me he loved me and he didn't want to walk away from me or our baby but he's scared. And he doesn't know what he's doing.

Point of my long rant is your boyfriend might just be scared but doesn't want to admit it. My fiancé still gets scared and timid sometimes but then I remind him that in a few months he'll be holdin a beautiful baby girl. A girl he helped create and the rest will come naturally, and he doesn't seem so scared. Just talk to him tell him calmly how you feel and why you feel that way and have him do the same in the end you may find it isn't as black and white as he wants it to seem. I hope all works out in congrats on graduation and your baby!!

TechieGirl1 · May 2015

I personally would make sure he was being serious, and if so I would give him a choice of being in your LO's life. And not move in with him and probably move in with your parents/ friends/ or close family. And then tell him to go shove it if he wanted to have nothing to do with yourself or your lo. Although I have zero tolerance for that type of bs. Lol

shaunnar053 · May 2015

I don't think he's being unreasonable, honestly. I remember previous posts regarding him being disinterested in the pregnancy. So i don't think this type of reaction from him is completely shocking. Plus, adoption isn't an unreasonable option for him to consider.

He's obviously not ready. And that's OK for him to feel this way. Plenty of mother's feel this way as well about unplanned pregnancies. So why isn't it okay for a father to feel this way? He just needs time to process his feelings. I agree with PPs about not moving in together. If he's overwhelmed just knowing your pregnant, moving in together is going to only make things worse in my opinion. I'm sorry you're going through this.

At this point my advice is to focus on you and the baby and wait to see if he decides to be involved or has a change of heart. You never know, he could do a 180 once the little one is born and be the best SO and father anyone could ever ask for.

I hope the best for you two. For now, I'd say, just be strong for your child and don't try to force the dad into anything. Give it time. Keep your head up.

Edited for spelling (stupid phone..)

mlindon · May 2015

If I remember correctly you had some issues before with him not "able" to make it to apts even though you had given him plenty of notice. I would think long and hard about moving in with him. Both of you are responsible for the baby not just you, even if he isn't ready. Wonder if he's ready to pay child support?

TIARA0322 · May 2015

Congrats on the graduation! Please try to enjoy that. Please re-evaluate your relationship with him and future living arrangements. I had my son at 17 and he's 19 now. We had our moments and it wasn't always easy but I had the support of my family. His father was back and forth until finally I moved out of state. Now my son is a well adjusted young man that I'm proud of and have no regrets. It was actually still a great experience with memorable moments.

sterjacks21 · May 2015

Well today is the days that i move. But I already talked to my mother about it and I need to I'm totally welcome back home. Graduation was wonderful and his parents even drove 6 hours to see me walk. It's very evident that his parents and my mother and sisters love our little one so much already. When everyone left for the night I talked to Ryan about his feelings. I known he loves the baby a lot, and I think he is scared to death of failing as a father. I also found out (his mom and my mom talking) that he plans on asking me to marry him but he is scared to death that he might fail as a husband too. I kind of feel bad for him because he is such a sweet guy. He does work so hard in school and in work too. He also told me he thinks baby doesn't like him because every time we get in bed and he puts my hand on his tummy, baby won't move, and just because baby doesn't know him yet. (Boys think about things in a strange way)

Anyway, I will be moving in with him and hopefully he becomes more connected to baby Nash. This baby is the love of my life and if we have to do it without him, we will and we can! Nash is already loved by so many others! I do really think that in a few months Ryan will come around. He just needs more time than me. Thank you for all of you're advice. Everyone's thoughts have really helped me a lot!

aleecats · May 2015

Tell him not to worry! Baby does the same thing to my SO but when ever he doesn't have his hand there she's kicks likens crazy person! I told him she doesn't kick when his had is there because that's what she wants, she wants him to be close... Now that I think about it I'm pretty sure she already favors him :-?

JenLovesDesign · May 2015

I hope he's just scared. You are both very young, and with that comes a lot if insecurity about your capabilities. However, being much older than you, I know that a baby at this time in your life will be perfectly fine. Instead of messing around and partying a lot after college like I did, you two will most likely settle down, buy a house and maybe even have more kids. It sounds like you have a lot of support from your families, which is wonderful. It does sound like he has some cold feet, but a lot of guys, once they get settled in, are happy just staying the course. Take care and most of all congratulations on your graduation.

lilascott · May 2015

Hugsssss
be strong and confident and happy!!!!

mybabynumber2 · May 2015

As long as the two of you are communicating & your being open with your feelings with each other, I think you'll be fine.
He sounds scared to me, like pp have mentioned, why shouldn't men get scared? Women do.
Your both very young (I'm in no way being patronising when I say that) and have a lot going on, but I don't think he really meant it. Once he sees your baby moving around in your tummy and once baba arrives. It'll be a whole different ball game.

Good luck sweetie, I'm sure you'll both be fine, just remember communication is the key! :-) *hugs xx

dawlface · May 2015

When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter , her dad tried to same thing even going as far as suggesting an abortion. 8 years later he's gone and I have her. I don't regret ever keeping her because she made my life more enjoyable then it ever could have been. Yes your life is going to change. Yes you will have challenges. But in the end it is ALL worth it! I was 20 years old. Scared. And alone. But now we're together. I have an amazing husband. 2 other children. And now another on the way. This little boy is just the beginning of your new life. And if he doesn't want to share that with you let him go live the life he feels he needs to live. You'll do just fine. Trust me!

J0C0TX · May 2015

My do never really felt my first two move. I know he felt disconnected during the pregnancy but the minute those girls were born. Smitten daddy.
I'm not saying that will happen with your bf, but at least you're both talking. Keep communication open and best of luck!

MiromiM · May 2015

sterjacks21 said:
He also told me he thinks baby doesn't like him because every time we get in bed and he puts my hand on his tummy, baby won't move, and just because baby doesn't know him yet. (Boys think about things in a strange way)

I don't know if it would make him feel better but my baby doesn't often move when my husband touches my belly. She actually tends to stop moving whenever anyone touches my belly including myself. Some baby books call it the "singing frog" phenomenon. Around 18 weeks babies can hear sound but it takes about 24 weeks before they can fully distinguish it and hear voices outside of the mom's body. The more you and baby are around your BF, the more your baby will learn to recognize his voice. Cool, huh?

I hope everything turns out well!

str13 · May 2015

If your OB does 3D ultrasounds, seeing baby look so much like an actual baby (and not an alien!! Lol) made our first two seem more real to DH. It didn't seem so foreign, there was babys hands and toes and a sweet little face! It might help your SO feel a little more connected to baby.

adtaylor2015 · May 2015

JenLovesDesign said:
You know, first I swore in my head a lot at your boyfriend. I also remember your post about the ultrasound. I think though that you should be understanding that parenthood for both the mother and father are very serious. My first thought was 'how dare he!', and thinking he just wants out of the entire situation. I do understand his point of view. Unplanned is unplanned. However, at this point in our pregnancies, we can see how ridiculous this is to think you would just be willing to do that. That's something that you probably would have been thinking about for a while. He's detached...he doesn't know. So those are my thought.

I think you should break up with him and have nothing more to do with him other than figure out what kind of father he is willing to be. I know that's tough, but he will either come around, or you won't waste your time on him. Don't be the clingy girlfriend and don't move in with him.

Agreed. I'm sure my opinion will be an unpopular one but I don't buy into the whole I'm scared stuff. Seriously? Grow up. But I also don't tolerate bullshit and that's what all of this I'm scared I'll be a failure sounds like to me. That probably sounds really harsh but I think it's an excuse, cop out, and extremely immature. I just couldn't tolerate it. There's no way I would move in with someone who told me they didn't want our baby. Good luck! I hope things work out for you and baby.

missliz53 · May 2015

I would reassure him that it may just be too early for him to feel baby from the outside yet. I have also noticed a trend with my DH that the baby can be kicking like mad and as soon as DH puts his hand on my belly to try to feel it, the baby is suddenly very quiet in there.

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