Sh*t My Husband Says...

CaitLewis15 · May 2015

Saw this while lurking on the April 15 BMB, and they were hilarious. Maybe we can get it going here?

Yesterday DH told me that it's his personal goal to weigh less than me at some point during this pregnancy. I weighed 183 when I had DD (gained 50+ lbs), so he would need to lose a little bit.

He said it shouldn't be that hard to accomplish, considering how much I'm eating lately. Thanks, babe...

aah1013 · May 2015

My husband came to bed after me in the dark. He gave me a loving rub and said, "wow! You're bump is really getting big!". I had to honestly reply, "you're rubbing my butt."

Nice.

morganabyrd · May 2015

I called my DH in a panic the other day because our scale read that I had gained 17 lbs. (As of last week, I'd gained 4 so I was justified in the shock!) He laughed and explained I had it on the wrong part of the bathroom floor, where the tile isn't level. Then he said, "It's normal. You're going to have to get used to getting fat, though. Oh, errr, I mean, bigger?" He backtracked so fast it was laughable! Thanks, babe.

morganabyrd · May 2015

@aah1013 that is HILARIOUS! I just snorted in a completely silent room when I read it.

MirandaC1984 · May 2015

We're both first time parents. My husband has not been around babies much. He asked me when babies open they're eyes... as if they are puppies or something. LMAO

danixbanani24 · May 2015

MirandaC1984 said:
We're both first time parents. My husband has not been around babies much. He asked me when babies open they're eyes... as if they are puppies or something. LMAO

We're first timers too and my husband has had zero experience with babies even though he has a younger brother! He had no idea how many times a day we'd have to change a diaper. He said "2 to 3 times, right?" @-) Lord help me.

adcoxmt · May 2015

Not married, but the other day I was whining about how we didn't have any headway on the whole naming process. After he turned down the few I suggested, I demanded of my boyfriend "Give me something!" to which he replied "I gave you a baby!" Hahaha. Don't worry, he did promise to come up with some ideas (ahem, two weeks ago)....

germasian · May 2015

When I started feeling flutters at 14 weeks, I told him what was happening. He replied,"Does that mean the baby is farting or something?"
*face palm*

naka92 · May 2015

When talking about diapers, my DH was convinced baby would use just one or two diapers a day. Asked my mom how many i used the first few weeks, and when he heard the answer he turned a little pale, muttering about costs. Sorry dear, but im not gnna be cloth diapering as i dont think id feel ok cleaning those.

Oh, abd after walking yesterday and climbing up the stairs to our apartment, i was completely out of breath with my heart racing. I made him feel my pulse and apparabtly he suddenly got it.. "Holy shit, you do get tired really easily! Thats crazy!" Yes dear, ive been telling you this for weeks now xD

BbyCastillo · May 2015

My boyfriend and I showered together last night (he hadn't seen me naked in about a month) well at least in the light. So after we were done and I wrapped myself in the towel, I walked out and was getting my PJs on for bed. He then did a double take on me and ran towards me his face was like @-) and he rubbed my bare belly...his words "holy sh*t, there IS a baby in there!" Uhmmm YEAH! Was he think I would stuff a mini pillow under my clothes or something?! $:\$ "> baby bump popping out in full effect! "Hi dad" :-h lol

eat111315 · May 2015

After our first daughter was born, I commented on how amazing she was and what a good job I did growing her. DH turns to me and says "when you go out to a restaurant and have a great meal do you go into the kitchen to thank the cook or the stove?"
After a giant side eye, we both broke out laughing.

mrsstevenheckles · May 2015

A few weeks ago I mentioned to my husband I was feeling a bit bigger ... His response? Well you haven't worked out in awhile...

I just had no clue how to respond to that comment..

Birdee212 · May 2015

@danixbanani24 I just showed that to my husband and said, "See? It's not just you!"

LLynde5 · May 2015

I loved these!! Keep em' coming!!

mgdunn · May 2015

This is our second child together but when I was pregnant with dd, I got a lot of crazy comments from him. After having sex, he began freaking out because he was afraid he poked her. I tried assuring him that's not how it works and he said "If she comes out with one eye, we know what happened. Lol needless to say she had both eyes & they work properly.

DeeGreer · May 2015

My boyfriend noticed today that my boobs are getting bigger (I'm 5'1 in a 34D) and his input was "I hope those stay when Justus gets here" and the other day he was singing Lion King songs to my hardly there bump lol its cute though

kaseyhunter85 · May 2015

My husband was complaining about being tired the other night. I said its because you stay up too late playing video games and that he should be sleeping now while he still can because once baby gets here we'll be getting less sleep. His response..."I don't need a lot of sleep" ...dear sweet man you will regret saying that...

JennKempen · May 2015

*slightly inappropriate*...

The first time me and dh had sex after we found out we were pregnant, we soon realized that my big 'O' was much more intense. Well when I got there, he pulled out and looked at me confused, and a bit sad. I said, "Whats wrong?". His response was, "Um, idk, that was so strong that your vagina just pushed me out... like it was done with me so it just rejected having it in there anymore". I couldn't help but laugh. Sorry hunny...

saraandbufwedding · May 2015

My husband's goal is too lose a pound for every pound I gain because right now he looks more preggo than I do! Pregnancy announcement was both of us with our bellies and "guess who's pregnant!?" Lol

SpencerSimental · May 2015

my husband was completely oblivious to the fact that we'll need to bring a hospital bag (all prepared a few weeks before baby gets here). when I was talking to him about it he looks at me and says "why would we need to bring diapers and baby clothes"? but he understood why I would want my own clothing hahaha

beanie1977 · May 2015

I keep getting up to pee in the middle of the night. My wife was annoyed and said "we've got to do something about this. I need more sleep." I was like, consider this practice because our life will be getting up in the middle of the night for the next couple years probably!

floyd1rl · May 2015

My wife walked into the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower.

"Your boobs look like torpedos!"

So I grabbed them, "pew pew" and pretended to shoot her.

CCasey2015 · May 2015

My husband asked me how does the baby eat while inside of me... He thought I ate & the food floated around the baby & he ate it with his mouth

tuinstrab · May 2015

**kinda gross **

Last week I was very sick with MS. At night we were in bed just watching tv when I had a sudden explosive vomiting (burrito too) all over the bedroom and bathroom. Instead of asking are you okay like any normal person would my husband yells WHAT THE HE'LL JUST HAPPENED! ! I was so mad that he didn't comfort me but he made up for it by cleaning burrito puke off the walls and bathroom floor.

Ljconnery1 · May 2015

I do most.. Well.. All of the cooking for my family. But my husband is adorable and wants to be helpful.

The other night I was desperate for a grilled cheese.. But I was already in bed. So he said he'd do it. Pretty simple..
About 15 minutes goes by and he yells from the kitchen "grilled cheese.. That's when you dip the bread in egg first, right?"
Jesus, Glenn.. I do not know what this man ate before he met me! I'm lucky he tries

naka92 · May 2015

We've been out all day running errands, so we get home and im obviously pooped. I ask him to get the stuff out of the car because im exhausted after having been on my feet all day. Reaction "Well.. so have I.." REALLY? Someone hold me back because im about to punch him in the face -.-

casserole27 · May 2015

Every day my husband puts his head on my belly and tries to "hear the heartbeat". I have given up explaining how this isn't going to work and just let him do it.

CaitLewis15 · May 2015

These are so funny. I imagine it only gets worse the bigger our bellies get.

Had to post today's moment. Apparently my husband said yes to hosting a wedding at our house in November. His best friend called and asked and apparently it's all settled.

It's a 'small' wedding, 60 people...

*breathes into paper bag*

aah1013 · May 2015

CaitLewis15 said:
These are so funny. I imagine it only gets worse the bigger our bellies get.

Had to post today's moment. Apparently my husband said yes to hosting a wedding at our house in November. His best friend called and asked and apparently it's all settled.

It's a 'small' wedding, 60 people...

*breathes into paper bag*

Sounds TOTALLY reasonable with a one month old! #-o

CaitLewis15 · May 2015

@aah1013 our new house doesn't exactly scream 'backyard wedding venue,' but we love these two friends. And we love to entertain. Now it's time to get serious on Pinterest

Sbrouwer0706 · May 2015

About a week or two ago I was reading to him the development and symptoms that come along during that week of pregnancy. It's something we do each Saturday as the ticker changes. As I was reading through the symptoms it said something like increase in back aches so I sarcastically said "fun" I read the next symptom of bigger boobs and in the most excited voice he yells "FUN!". His voice contained a childlike glee that sent me into a fit of laughter

amkoester · May 2015

I have healthy indoor cats. My husband has been nicely changing the kitty litter. The other day I was cuddling with my cat and with a concerned straight face he says "should you really be hugging the cats?" Haha if I can't hug the cat then I shouldn't be able to sit or touch anything in the house either since it's always covered in their fur... Dork.

Dreamingmommy4 · May 2015

floyd1rl said:
My wife walked into the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower.

"Your boobs look like torpedos!"

So I grabbed them, "pew pew" and pretended to shoot her.

This will be even better when your milk comes in because then you really can shoot her!! Lol!

Dreamingmommy4 · May 2015

My DH has always been very curious about the medical field and the human body and is going to be a PT so he was all about learning about everything with my first pregnancy, so there weren't any funny, clueless questions that I can really think of (and this time round, it's kind of a been there, done that type attitude with both of us). What was really amusing was after I had our DD and my milk had come in, he was really curious about how it all worked. One morning we were taking a shower together (not a sexy one) and he asked if he could see how milk came out of my breast. So I squeezed a bit and it came shooting out of the various holes and he kind of drew back with a funny look on his face, like he would never look at my boobs the same way again and said "oh...". I wish I had a picture of his face!

And sometimes when I would pump he would just kind of stand and watch in disgusted fascination as I milked myself like a cow. I don't think he ever really got used to it.

jessicaandmikewedding · May 2015

My husband says to me, wow cute you are getting a little potbelly! Lol. Thanks sweetie! But just so you know most do not think of potbellies as cute :-/

rue:D · May 2015

I was about to get into the shower the other day and my husband referred to me as a cargo ship! I glared at him and then the expression on his face changed and he said "I meant because you're carrying precious cargo..." Lol!

DeeGreer · May 2015

My boyfriend has insisted he can feel baby moving... I tried telling him it's just my pulse in my abdomen lol he gets so excited though I just let him think it

SDuodu · May 2015

DeeGreer said:
My boyfriend has insisted he can feel baby moving... I tried telling him it's just my pulse in my abdomen lol he gets so excited though I just let him think it

My boyfriend does this too maybe it helps them connect and it's cute anyway

Knottie16288692 · May 2015

We went to my cousins baseball game this past Saturday. My sweet, adorable, loving husband got up from the bleachers complaining that they were so uncomfortable and that we should have brought chairs. He patted me on the back and said "you are so lucky that you have extra padding...." The look I gave him made the gentleman sitting next to us laugh and say "Oh son, you're in the dog house tonight." My husband has a really high metabolism, which makes him on the lanky side. Where I am a bit bottom heavy with my 5'1 self. Needless to say, the bleachers were equally uncomfortable for me and my husband spent the whole car ride home telling me he loved my bottom... MEN.

cbolton19 · May 2015

DeeGreer said:
My boyfriend has insisted he can feel baby moving... I tried telling him it's just my pulse in my abdomen lol he gets so excited though I just let him think it

My husband thought so too. Ha ha but then he looked up at me and goes, that is you I hear and feel, isn't it? It was super sweet. He was trying to feel the baby move. I can't feel it move yet (I'm only 14+3)! I told him, but he doesn't believe me since we saw how active the baby is at the ultrasound.

rnielsen321 · May 2015

My lovely DH has suggested I stop reading the weekly symptoms and such. He thinks it is all in my head!

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