Community› The Bump Month Clubs› May 2015 Moms
May 2015 Moms
New Discussion

Gifts from Husband's Ex-Wife....HELP!!!

aln624aln624 member
in May 2015 Moms
My husband's ex-wife, mother of his 1st child, bought a number of gifts for our soon to be born baby. Yes, the card has my stepson's name on it, but she wrote it. He didn't even know about the gifts, so it's not like he picked them out and she simply paid for them. It totally freaked me out seeing a gift bag full of items that she bought. I cannot imagine dressing our child in the clothes nor seeing him play with the toys she bought. She is an evil woman who has been trying to weasel her way into our lives for almost 4 years now. My husband doesn't understand why her buying gifts for the baby bothers me and he's actually mad at me for it. He feels like I didn't consider his feelings, just my own. Give me a break...I was shocked by it and then reacted. I didn't think about anything bc I was in tears and feeling very uncomfortable. Now he's calling me disrespectful. Am I wrong here?
Report Reply to Post

Re: Gifts from Husband's Ex-Wife....HELP!!!

  • Loading the player...
  • Brieb33Brieb33 member
    edited April 2015
    ,
    Report Reply
  • lola2beelola2bee member
    My first reaction was that it was a nice thing to do for you but apparently there is more to the story...
    Report Reply
  • aln624aln624 member
    I didn't become defensive. I simply said that it freaked me out and I started to tear up. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said not right now. I continued to tear up and he stormed off
    Report Reply
  • aln624aln624 member
    His ex is awful! We actually needed to get a restraining order against her.
    Report Reply
  • jessicazimmerjessicazimmer member
    I think it's creepy! Maybe donate the gifts. Would he even notice? My hubs wouldn't :)
    Report Reply
  • khaleesi123khaleesi123 member
    aln624 said:

    My husband's ex-wife, mother of his 1st child, bought a number of gifts for our soon to be born baby. Yes, the card has my stepson's name on it, but she wrote it. He didn't even know about the gifts, so it's not like he picked them out and she simply paid for them. It totally freaked me out seeing a gift bag full of items that she bought. I cannot imagine dressing our child in the clothes nor seeing him play with the toys she bought. She is an evil woman who has been trying to weasel her way into our lives for almost 4 years now. My husband doesn't understand why her buying gifts for the baby bothers me and he's actually mad at me for it. He feels like I didn't consider his feelings, just my own. Give me a break...I was shocked by it and then reacted. I didn't think about anything bc I was in tears and feeling very uncomfortable. Now he's calling me disrespectful. Am I wrong here?

    I think it was intended as a nice gift from his first child or as a truce kind of thing but I don't know the backround and there are crazy people in the world
    Report Reply
  • trishadobeltrishadobel member
    If you know where the clothes were purchased, another option would be exchanging them for stuff you picked out. That may make you feel a bit better. Send the thank you note and you are done! :)
    Report Reply
  • nicolebishop91nicolebishop91 member
    I think you feel how you feel no changing it. But, being they were just a gift I would look at trying to put it aside. She is only going to get between you two if you let little things get in the way. This would be a little thing. I personally would still keep them and even maybe put my child in them. They are just clothes and toys. I get you don't like her. But think how hard it would be for you to purchase items for your ex's new baby? I agree with pp that there is more than we know obviously, but its only a big deal if you let it be a big deal. My dh says don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff. Haha!
    Report Reply
  • ekaebekaeb member
    I dnt think anything was meant bye it other then peace offering maybe u having a baby opend her eyes to hay it's over no way it will ever happen!! X can be super crazy!! But sometimes having a lil one makes them realize ow I better back off and mute have just been her way of saying peace! I'd send a thank u card and hope it's the end of the craziness especially if u have to co parent with her cuz no matter what she will always be a part of ur lives!! Trust me my x was the crazy one and I'm on my second baby with my hubby and he just realized it's really over!!......
    Report Reply
  • tdart14tdart14 member
    Without knowing any of you or the long past I'd defiantly call it an over reaction.

    It's clothes and toys.. keep them or throw them but no big deal in my mind.
    Report Reply
  • MrsS728MrsS728 member
    There must be something else going on that you haven't revealed. My step-mother has always been awful. She's a mean, lying, manipulative woman. However, since we announced that we were expecting, she has been more manageable, kinder to not only me and my husband, but also my mom (whom she's always been nasty to). 

    Look at the gift as an olive branch. Keep your guard up, but look at it as her trying to make peace. She didn't have to buy the baby anything, but she obviously took the time, energy, and money to do this. Appreciate it, accept it, and move on. 
    Report Reply
  • saric83saric83 member
    aln624 said:

    My husband's ex-wife, mother of his 1st child, bought a number of gifts for our soon to be born baby. Yes, the card has my stepson's name on it, but she wrote it. He didn't even know about the gifts, so it's not like he picked them out and she simply paid for them. It totally freaked me out seeing a gift bag full of items that she bought. I cannot imagine dressing our child in the clothes nor seeing him play with the toys she bought. She is an evil woman who has been trying to weasel her way into our lives for almost 4 years now. My husband doesn't understand why her buying gifts for the baby bothers me and he's actually mad at me for it. He feels like I didn't consider his feelings, just my own. Give me a break...I was shocked by it and then reacted. I didn't think about anything bc I was in tears and feeling very uncomfortable. Now he's calling me disrespectful. Am I wrong here?

    Obviously, we don't know the background, and I don't underestimate your opinion of her being evil.  But just to put it into perspective, she doesn't have to weasel her way in.  She is a part of your lives because of your stepson.  You're stuck with her.  

    I know it's definitely not easy, but it's not like she's going away, so do whatever is within your power to improve the situation because if you don't figure out a way to deal with her, it's going to start to affect your step-son (if it hasn't already), and your son will pick up on that too.  It's just negative and unfair to both kiddos.  You can't control her and her actions, but you absolutely 100% can control your reactions and how you deal with it.  Good luck!
    Report Reply
  • MommaAlyxMommaAlyx member
    Nah, I'm totally there with you. My hubby and I went to go have lunch with his old friend, who marries his ex girlfriend... And his buddy BROUGHT HER WITH. She kept saying to my hubby "remember that time we did blah blah blah..." Or "oh, we used to love to do so and so together, remember?" Her husband didnt bat an eye, and my hubby kind of just played it off like it was a joke...

    Then, after she found out were having ANOTHER baby, she got us a gift card to target. My hubby thought it was a nice gesture, but it weirded me out like crazy. She is very obviously still interested in my hubs, after 7 years of not being with him... Its plain creepy for her to think we want her doing stuff like that.
    Report Reply
  • ryemoryemo member
    I agree that she didn't have to weasel in, she was already there and will always be there as the mother of his child. I don't understand, if she's so evil and you need a restraining order, why doesn't your DH care about the gift or seem offended?
    Report Reply
  • aln624aln624 member
    When I say "weasel in" I mean into my life and my husbands life.....wanting to know where we are going on vacation, restaurants we like to go to for date night, she sends him emails about how she misses their life together, she wants to know if he keeps their special moments from the past sacred or if he does those same things with me, she will send an email to him saying "I know you don't have our son this weekend, maybe you could take your wife to such and such location, I hear it's really romantic."
    Report Reply
  • JC714JC714 member
    It's a mother's job to make sure het child does the right thing...she did not give you the gifts but she bought them for her son to give, just as she probably would if he were going to a birthday party or any other occasion where a gift is appropriate...he didn't pick them out so he won't care if the baby wears them...donate them, throw them out...but she was showing her son the "right" thing to do.
    Report Reply
  • marthaudanimarthaudani member
    This woman sounds like she has no concept of boundaries. It sounds like she's trying to continue to experience life with him vicariously through you. It's a weird situation, I'm sure.

    I have sent gifts on every birthday and Christmas to my XH's daughter who is my kid's half sister. I always address them from my kids. His GF is now pregnant with their second child and in a weird twist, she's due about a week after me. I have purchased gifts for her baby. The relationship between the two of us is one of mutual respect. We are both strong women who continue to deal with a selfish man who's priorities need fixing. There is no weirdness between she and I. He's my XH for many good reasons.

    That being said, I would just send a thank you card to her son. It was signed my her but she meant if to be from him. I don't think that the gift from her son is weird, that is your child's half brother. If the gifts are unacceptable to you then you should either donate them or exchange them.
    Report Reply
  • jfornerijforneri member
    We can't help those gut reactions, especially in tense relationships - my MIL once gave me a GPS cuz we were moving to a new town and I'm always getting lost, and I cried for days I was so insulted.

    I'd just tell hubby, "sorry, hormones," write a quick thanks to your step-son "from baby" and stick the stuff in the bottom of a drawer. As for your actual feelings - I think they're related to your relationship with clingy creepy ex lady and not the gesture itself, so try to separate them if and when you talk things through with the hubs. Best of luck!
    Report Reply
  • kjps0528kjps0528 member
    I think you may be overreacting, again don't know the whole story, but you came off as the ungrateful one between you and the ex by saying you didn't like the stuff. And just because you're stepson didnt know about the individual gifts didnt mean he didn't want to give something to his soon to be sibling. Again don't know the woman and everything she's done but if you don't like the stuff don't use it. That simple.
    Report Reply
  • abbijoyabbijoy member
    I have a similar situation. My stepmother (her and my dad haven't spoken to me in years, and have said hateful things about me to other family members because they don't like that my husband is black) sent me the stroller I registered for and a baby package with some sweet, expensive items in it. While the items are cute, I just feel like they are loaded with implication or guilt. I'm not sure if it's her and my dad trying to get "in" with us again because I'm having the first grandchild, or if they're genuinely trying to apologize. I called to thank them, and it was very awkward and uncomfortable. Also, my dad acted annoyed when I spoke with him. Ugh, family relations can be so difficult!
    Report Reply
  • leelee72leelee72 member
    Ok so I understand you completely on this. My husband has a child wi th his ex. She is certifiable. She would take him back in a heartbeat if he asked after 11 yrs of not being together. She always tries to meddle in our lives etc.. I play the nice one when we see her only for my step daughters sake. But his ex really knows how to push those lines. I am the same way when she buys or sends certain things. You know she just wants something of hers there for them. I usually just take say thx and donate or exchange it's just the easiest thing. I NEVER use the stuff. I get ut totally but my husband does as well so that helps. So just say thx and do something with them.
    Report Reply
  • FTArmyMFTArmyM member
    Hippo....must be more to the story...but from what i can tell ur trippimg.ng.
    Report Reply
  • YolypujalsYolypujals member
    You should be more secure of your relationship your having her sons brother or sister for the kids it sounds that she's trying to do the right thing. You should be a bigger person & accept the gift so your children can grow in a normal family environment. She's always going to be part of your husbands life bc of the child they have together. If I was you I'll keep her close watch on her but don't make it look weird overreacting. I have a similar situation I have 2 daughters with my ex husband . I recently had a huge sweet fifteen party for my oldest daughter & my ex husband even thou he paid for half was absolutely no help for the planning bc his new wife is very jelous & insecure she doesn't let him talk to me alone,drop or pick up the kids. I try my best to make her feel comftable but she's just acts weird I'm sure he talks bad about me like man usually do.but aw you should hear her side maybe she turns out to be alright just remember you could be in her shoes too as a woman and mother.
    Report Reply
  • mzezu0ptmzezu0pt member
    Hello ladies,
    As I sit here with heartburn at 1am, I feel a responsibility to respond to this post. I am also a stepmother and my husband and I are having our first baby. His ex also gave me gifts for our baby and also has trouble with boundaries. She has no Significant Other, so I feel that she is trying to figure out her "place" in our new emerging family while trying to feel attached to her daughter. Even my stepdaughter kind of sees how it's strange that she gives gifts even though, as she put it, "she's not even a part of THIS family."

    It can be very hard working with a vulnerable, insecure, boundry-less person. She may try to use these gifts later as a card to play in her own never-ending mind game of trying to show how she is "the mother", but in the end, it is still HER OWN MIND GAME.

    So what did I do? Accepted the gifts for the sake of my stepdaughter, thanked her with my sweetest smile, wrote her a very nice note, and continue to be on my best behavior around her.

    It sounds like you still haven't come to terms with her being in your life to some extent. I did see a counselor for a time, and I highly recommend you see one yourself for the sake of your OWN baby as well as for your relationship. The gift is only the surface of what could be a problem for you as a parent and wife if you don't get this right in your own head. Good luck, and try to be happy. You won't get this time back.

    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"