Announcing to infertile loved one?!?!

adcorbin · May 2015

Hello all, I am 10w5d with an unexpected number 5 ! We are totally excited however, we just told my brother and sister in law and their reaction was extremely harsh . How do we deal with this? It is so hard .

Unknown · May 2015

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adcorbin · May 2015

Via email, I spoke with a fertility counselor who suggested it be done that way . She stated it allows them time to deal with the emotion without being seen or heard .

Elyse1384 · May 2015

As someone who struggled for years for #1 and a SIL who seemed to get pregnant every time she sneezed (and then subsequently complained when she didn't get the sex of the baby that she wanted), it was tough for my husband and I to hear. I put on a smile, but he struggled much more. I don't know how you told them, but try not to take it personally. I doubt they are unhappy for you. I think it might just be difficult for them to hear about it if they are struggling with fertility. You shouldn't feel guilty or less excited because they are struggling. I'm sure they'll warm up a bit, but if it was unexpected (and number 5) for you, it might just be bringing a lot of emotions to the surface for them and it might be misdirected pain.

ash413 · May 2015

I'm sorry your brother and SIL did not respond well. I agree email is the best policy. I would try not to take their reaction too personally. Speaking from experience it is hard watching others get pregnant, especially when they weren't even trying. Not that this makes their reaction ok, just understand that you telling them probably opens old wounds for them (not that this is your fault or something you could have avoided). I would give them time and hopefully they come around. Maybe reach out a a few weeks depending how close you are.

dogsombrero · May 2015

I had a tough time when my SIL annouced to us as soon as the pee stick was dry after our 2nd loss. Only because she wouldn't shut up about being pregnant. Everything was: What are my activity restrictions, I need to stop for a snack eating for two is hard you know, next year can you believe we'll be bringing our baby to this event. When she was a whopping 6 weeks pregnant. I finally snapped and told her that my baby was already supposed to have been here to which she replies "It's not like you were trying anyway" (we were).

Please give your Brother and SIL a break even if they are being awful. I love my niece but her mother really hurt me at time very low point in my life and I will never have any respect for her although I will always be civil. Try giving them a little space then having a discussion with your brother that you know he loves your kids and will love this little one too. Tell him you don't know his pain but you love them and will be there for them always. I wish that is how my SIL & BIL treated us.

bbiutmcph · May 2015

Give them time. Email was the best approach. We struggled with IF prior to our first. Hearing another friend was pregnant was the worst. I hated them, myself and everything in that moment. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them but I was jealous. Why them and not me? I needed time to deal with the news alone whether it was to cry or scream. It's your 5th child and unplanned and they can't get one. I imagine it's difficult despite them loving you. The hardest part was the ones that then constantly talked about it. So please avoid doing that. THey will come around but it will be hard and try not to take it wrong if they don't jump for joy each milestone you hit.

adcorbin · May 2015

Thanks so much for the advise. And to correct myself, my 5th pregnancy but 4th baby as baby number 3 was a stillborn at 29 weeks . I understand their pain and would do anything to help them . I almost feel guilty though I know I shouldn't.

dogsombrero · May 2015

adcorbin said:
Thanks so much for the advise. And to correct myself, my 5th pregnancy but 4th baby as baby number 3 was a stillborn at 29 weeks . I understand their pain and would do anything to help them . I almost feel guilty though I know I shouldn't.

You should not feel guilty or any less happy about your pregnancy. Those struggling with IF or loss don't think that the world stops and nobody else should get to have children. It just makes them sad for what they do not have. Just give you Brother & SIL time, space and love. You'll be okay.

mrsaragon · May 2015

Don't take it personally. Everyone reacts differently. My sister and BIL had 2 miscarriages before they had my niece over a period of a year and a half. When I told her I was pregnant she seemed happy, but afterwards she was pretty harsh and distant for a few weeks. She even told me at one point she'd have to be put on medication because of me. With 2 miscarriages it was hard for her to understand and be ok with someone who wasn't even trying (or planning to at all) to get it on their first try. She told me it wasn't directed at me personally but I know it's hard to not take it that way. Just give them some time and they'll come around, I'm sure.

vrossolille · May 2015

It sounds to me as if they were really excited. People want to talk about those things while expecting. Actually, my growing baby usually consumes my thoughts and conversations. I think maybe you are being hard on her because of your hurt. @dogsombrero for those going through that I have always felt terrible but at the same time it's not fair for her to have to pretend she's not preggo--- babies are a blessing either way.

HungryRunner76 · May 2015

adcorbin said:
Via email, I spoke with a fertility counselor who suggested it be done that way . She stated it allows them time to deal with the emotion without being seen or heard .

I've been on the other side of this and I can say that if an email about a new pregnancy came from family (and not a friend), I would be very offended.

OP - It's a delicate situation and everyone reacts differently. It's hard to say how to respond since you didn't give many details, but I can tell you that one thing that really upset me during our infertility was how my SIL kept complaining about her pregnancy over the course of 9 months. I know pregnancy can be tough but each time I saw her it was always a big deal how she hated how big she was, how she didn't feel well, how she couldn't wait for it to be over, etc. I would just be mindful of the complaints you may have & how often you bring up the pregnancy (I.e. Don't be afraid to share the exciting parts but don't always let that be the dominating conversation). It also is helpful to ask them how they're doing with their situation from time to time and offer your support.

cherryonion · May 2015

It's kind of like everything else, you need to know your audience and show some tact. If you're going to France for the summer, you're probably not going to gush over it to someone that might not ever travel. If you're on a diet, you're not going to tell your friend how terrible sugar is when they order dessert.

I felt really upset with someone in my circle who is downright nasty to anyone who gets pregnant until H and I had trouble TTC. Before that, I felt like, this person needs to control her own feelings and I should be able to say whatever I want when I get pregnant. Now, though, I understand that it is really painful to see others get pregnant even when they are actively trying not to. (I certainly don't condone her actions though. I held her in my mind as my example of everything I didn't want to be - I didn't want to be the person still nasty after the birth of a baby the parents have been trying for for many, many years.)

I plan on informing her by email a few days before I tell the others in that circle, and I'm going to do my best not to bring it up when she's around. I can talk about it with other people at other times.

Boudin&Crawfish · May 2015

I have a more unpopular opinion. I get really thrown off when people get upset at a loved one for being pregnant. I don't struggle with infertility, but I lost a child. I knew he would die either hours or weeks after he was born while I was pregnant. While my sister was planning her son's birth (she was due 3 weeks before me) I was thinking of funeral plans that would need to be made at some point. When her healthy beautiful baby was born I was happy that I had a nephew that was okay. It was so hard to hold him and rock him knowing what was in store for me. It was also hard to see him and after my son passed and think of the milestones they would have met together. However, the world goes on. My other sister then got pregnant. Once again I was happy for the new life being brought in. I didn't let my pain overshadow the joy being added to the world.
I say give them space, but they need to understand that the world can't stop for each of our problems. Hopefully they can be happy for you.
I know this sounds insensitive, and we live in a PC world. I'm not saying they don't deserve to feel sadness or grief for themselves, but you don't deserve to have family make you feel bad about this happy time. I guess it strikes a chord with me because when I got pregnant with my next son I was made to feel bad by a family friend that is infertile. I didn't let it get to me because after going through the most painful thing a mother can go through I wasn't about to let someone make me feel bad about my next child.
I guess my point is that hopefully they realize that we all have pain and struggles and we can't be angry at others for their happiness even if we're hurting. I do think tact and sensitivity on your part is necessary, but they are responsible for their actions as well. There's no need to rub it in their faces, but you're allowed to be happy. With all the ugly things that happen in this world we should celebrate the joy as much as possible.

ks24119 · May 2015

This week I told a friend that has had trouble conceiving after a mc ( has been about 6 months after, no issues found). I was very careful telling her and did so in a manner that I believed she would be most comfortable with, email. But I am sort of disappointed with her lack of interest and response. I am not unfamiliar with fertility issues myself, having two mmc, d&c myself. Along with horrific immediate family tragedies. I really want to be understanding, but I really thought this very close friend would react differently. I really do understand her perspective because I have been there myself, but I am surprised I am so hurt by hers.

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