House Guests

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

So I mentioned before that my MIL wanted to come right after the birth of our LO. You all gave me great advice with how to handle her so I thought I'd run this by you too :-)

DH and I decided to have MIL come a few weeks after the birth (she lives a plane ride away so would be staying with us). We talked about what boundaries we will set and feel ready to handle that time with her.

Now, my SIL wants to come right after the birth too (she often competes with MIL and can't stand the thought of not seeing the baby if her mother gets to). SIL is much more high maintenance (she takes over our house completely). She is several years older than me and despite not having any children, still tries to act like a parenting expert and gives me "useful tips" about everything baby related.

MIL will want to stay for 2 weeks. Then SIL wants to stay for two weeks but DH said she had to wait until baby was a month old. This would essentially put me having high-maintenance house guests for a month straight. MIL and SIL don't get along well and SIL's husband really doesn't like MIL. Basically, they all tolerate each other. Plus SIL will want to bring her dog to stay (so I have to have someone take ours for that time as her dog "doesn't like other dogs, she thinks she's people"). Even though all these people don't get along that great, I don't want to deal with a month of houseguests plus a very spoiled dog right as I'm becoming used to our new baby.

DH and I are thinking that maybe we will tell them they can all come when the baby is 2-3 weeks old and stay for a week to ten days. And they have to come at the same time, not spread out, disrupting my very short maternity leave and wearing me out. I know that it will be stressful but I feel like it would be one very stressful week, or a long month of dealing with everyone. What are your thoughts? Should I try to coordinate the houseful for a week/ten days, or just keep the chaos more limited but longer in duration? They don't get into heated fights but they definitely don't love hanging out. Am I being unreasonable in trying to make them all come at the same time?

ETA: spelling...

CaliforniaDream87 · April 2015

Since your maternity leave is so short....I would honestly tell them the truth. This is the one time you get to be with baby at this age. You will never get this time back. This all sounds like so much work for you. You won't have the time or energy to "entertain". I'm all about involving family (my MIL and mom will be with us) but it shouldn't be a "job" for you.

GL with whatever you decide.

Saratiff · April 2015

Seriously I think it's time to be selfish because clearly they have no problem with it. Mother in law I can totally get. But the whole catering to sister in law sounds like complete nonsense and i can't imagine having house guests for a month. Sister in law needs to get over it. I would say she can come when MIL is here for five days tops. She needs to find someone else to care for her dog and then she needs to GTFO.

Saratiff · April 2015

And I was think you have a short maternity leave. I don't know how you feel about scheduling but I would be focusing on trying to schedule that baby as much as possible if you have to go back to work so soon and that will be impossible with his family around.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Saratiff said:
And I was think you have a short maternity leave. I don't know how you feel about scheduling but I would be focusing on trying to schedule that baby as much as possible if you have to go back to work so soon and that will be impossible with his family around.

Yes! I really want to get this baby on a schedule and that was something DH and I talked about. I tried to explain that they will completely disrupt his life (and ours) while they're here, making a schedule completely useless/impossible. I also think 5 days sounds like the perfect length of time for a visit for SIL!

rashelburne · April 2015

I month of house guests sounds like a bit much to me, as well as kicking your own dog out to cater to someone else's'. I would just have them come at the same time if you have the space and definitely not for 2 weeks each. MIL I could understand, but SIL for two weeks? That's a bit much. As stressful as it may be, you're going to want 1-on1 bonding time with baby and you won't get that with a month of house guests. As for the dog issue, your dog is already going to have to adjust to the new baby as well and may get a bit jealous over the shift in attention. To have someone else watch your dog for 7-14 days only for your dog to come home smelling another dog is not going to help him/her adjust to the new lifestyle. I, personally, would tell her your dog's not going anywhere.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

rashelburne said:
I month of house guests sounds like a bit much to me, as well as kicking your own dog out to cater to someone else's'. I would just have them come at the same time if you have the space and definitely not for 2 weeks each. MIL I could understand, but SIL for two weeks? That's a bit much. As stressful as it may be, you're going to want 1-on1 bonding time with baby and you won't get that with a month of house guests. As for the dog issue, your dog is already going to have to adjust to the new baby as well and may get a bit jealous over the shift in attention. To have someone else watch your dog for 7-14 days only for your dog to come home smelling another dog is not going to help him/her adjust to the new lifestyle. I, personally, would tell her your dog's not going anywhere.

Awesome point about the dog adjusting and smelling the other dog. I didn't even think of that! He's an older dog (almost 10) so it will be a pretty big adjustment for him, even though he's pretty laid back.

kettlekitten · April 2015

How long is your leave? Can SIL come after you go back to work and help to look after the baby instead of taking up your precious leave time? There is no way in hell I would accommodate all that - MIL yes, but anyone else would have to wait until I felt ready.

Personally, it took a long time for me to adjust to a new baby and I would have really, really struggled with anyone other than my own mother staying with me.

EmEeGee · April 2015

You've gotten good advice so far, so I don't have a lot to add. Just the support of agreement... your leave will be short and you should get all the time you want alone with your baby. If you're ok with having them both there, then I think a week with a 5 day overlap for SIL would be fine. I wholeheartedly agree that your dog shouldn't have to go anywhere, that's ridiculous. I'm with @Saratiff, and if you want a schedule... you need to tell everyone exactly how its going to go down while they're visiting, and its going to be on your terms or they can all just wait till you're back to work and maybe try to visit to help you out with childcare then. Good luck with all that... you sound way more accommodating than me!

gokahne9 · April 2015

SIL can stay at a hotel if she insists on bringing her dog. That's just way too much for anyone to handle.

J&D2007 · April 2015

I would invite them both at the same time. I'm guessing one will back out or stay elsewhere. And just no to the dog. That's ridiculous.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

kettlekitten said:
How long is your leave? Can SIL come after you go back to work and help to look after the baby instead of taking up your precious leave time? There is no way in hell I would accommodate all that - MIL yes, but anyone else would have to wait until I felt ready.

Personally, it took a long time for me to adjust to a new baby and I would have really, really struggled with anyone other than my own mother staying with me.

I'm a nanny so I don't qualify for FMLA. Plus, I have to be without pay the whole time I'm off. My pregnancy has been pretty complicated and my insurance doesn't cover large portions of my care (they only cover $75 for an ultrasound so I get to pay the other $225, and I've had 10 so far, for example). That means that all the money DH and I had saved up for maternity leave has gone towards all these crazy medical bills. So it looks like I may only get 4 weeks off at the very most. We are trying to refinance our house to get me more time off, but don't know yet if it will go through or how much we would get back until after the appraisal process.

I also in no way would ever leave the baby with SIL. If I could, I would but she's the type of person that would totally disregard any of my instructions and just do whatever she wants with the baby, take him anywhere, not follow his schedule. I wish it were different, but she just knows she's an expert...

sarahtotis · April 2015

Personally, with only four weeks off, I would invite them for a long weekend. SIL can leave her dog elsewhere her problem not yours. Maybe MIL can stay longer if she's helpful otherwise you need your own time and space with your new baby.

lifesabeach85 · April 2015

Tell either or both of them to stay in a hotel if they want to stay longer than a week.

malamaza · April 2015

I think its great that they want to visit and you will graciously open your home to them but if they are coming to stay that long then I hope that they will be there to help you out and not to have you cater to them. I would subtly let them know how Im looking forward to the extra help around the house since you will be busy with the baby and your SIL can leave her dog with a friend or a dog hotel. I dont think its a good idea to bring in someones dog with a new baby...

kedbach · April 2015

I agree with what everyone said- no need to comment. I will say I am with @malamaza and the dog situation- I LOVE dogs, but one who is not used to being around children- it's kind of scary! You never know how the dog will react. Chances are it will be completely fine and normal, but in the off-chance that it isn't, the dog is stuck there with you and the other house guests. Welcome or not, it could causes more issues than asking her to board the dog or get a dog-sitter. It's your baby and your house, as well as your precious time, it's not selfish to have stipulations!

irohspupil · April 2015

malamaza said:
I think its great that they want to visit and you will graciously open your home to them but if they are coming to stay that long then I hope that they will be there to help you out and not to have you cater to them. I would subtly let them know how Im looking forward to the extra help around the house since you will be busy with the baby and your SIL can leave her dog with a friend or a dog hotel. I dont think its a good idea to bring in someones dog with a new baby...

This^. Make sure they both understand you are expecting them to actually help out around the house--just do it tactfully and subtly.

You seem like a very kind person to be willing to open up your house to your SIL, to even consider having someone else watch your dog to make room for hers. Don't let your kindness make your maternity leave difficult though!

If it were me, I would agree to 5 days to a week for my MIL and no more than 3 days for SIL. If SIL wants longer, then hotel she goes. And she is being very rude in expecting you to kennel your dog so she can bring her own.

Good luck!

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Very good points about HER dog adjusting to the baby! I didn't think of that at all! Her dog is very antisocial. It takes days for it to get used to anyone who isn't SIL or her husband. Usually it will just cower and bark at you anytime you get close to it. I completely didn't even think about that. This is why I run all these things by you wise ladies :-)

Rabbi · April 2015

The dog this would be my biggest concern. Your dog needs time to adjust to a new schedule with a baby involved. I would never agree to have a unfamiliar dog in my home with a new baby. Also, who knows what allergies your kid will have- they might not be allergic to your dog, but couldn't have a terrible reaction to a dog that isn't part of the house already. Another option would be to invite them all for a 3 day weekend after baby is born, and then tell them you will be more than happy to host for a longer time close to the holidays when everyone is a little more comfortable with a new schedule and baby.

aveline8 · April 2015

You are so much nicer than I would be haha! I wouldn't be having my MIL stay in my house that soon after a new baby (but mine isn't the terribly helpful type) and to have SIL and MIL fighting about who's coming when and for how long....ridiculous! Do people not realize who is having the baby!?! Totally agree about the dog comments too, no way. Added stress that is completely unnecessary for you with a new baby.

tarheelgirl8 · April 2015

Honestly, I think you are a saint for even considering any of this. If you are really only taking 4 weeks of maternity leave then you are going to need time for you and your partner to adjust to the baby as the two of you before going back to work. Your MIL coming might be OK, if she's helpful and not high maintenance. From what you've said about your SIL, I would say 2-3 days maximum. I would probably overlap them, if you have the room, so that you still have two weeks of time without any house guests. For me, the problem with house guests is that even the best, most helpful house guests are going to throw you and your partner off your rhythm. My mom is an AMAZING guest...very low maintenance and our house stays 100% cleaner when she visits! However, after she leaves, I always look at DH and think, "man, I feel like I haven't actually spent any alone time with you in forever!".

The dog thing would not fly with me ever, much less with a newborn. As others have said, the baby will be an adjustment for your dog too, and I would never kick the dog out of their house for two weeks just to accommodate your SIL's dog. We don't have a dog, but we do have a cat. Pets are part of the family in my opinion. Whenever we have guests (overnight or otherwise), I have a firm "he lives here, you don't" policy. If his presence bothers them, they are free to leave. I phrase that more pleasantly of course!

miska318i · June 2015

I wouldn't want a full house of guests after I gave birth, I'm still working out not having visitors during the week and hopefully they won't stay all day. Mommy and baby need bonding and hubby needs to rest too. Family has good intentions but sometimes you have to set boundaries and visiting times. I wouldn't want to spend the time off I have with NB trying to avoid unwanted tips, or comments from guests.

abmommy15 · June 2015

If I were you I MIGHT consider the high maintenance house guests but there is no way that I would let her bring her dog....especially if it meant sending my dog out of the house. For starters that's just inconsiderate of her and secondly bringing a new baby home could be touchy with your dog. He might feel jealous and/or replaced which would only be worse if you sent him away.

Miz_Liz · June 2015

@Girlonthebeach got banned?!?!

hcook321 · June 2015

@Miz_Liz how do you find that out? That's crazy!!

hcook321 · June 2015

Never mind- too early, just saw her pic. Why would she be banned?!

Miz_Liz · June 2015

No clue....sad.

AshK1027 · June 2015

Repeat after me--It is okay to be selfish.

You will never regret making he most of your maternity leave with your LO & H. You may, however, regret stressing yourself out for the comfort and enjoyment of others.

If your SIL really wants to visit, tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to stay. Maybe that will shorten her visit.

leanne69 · June 2015

good for you for being so patient and nice! If I were you, I would never let someone bring their dog to my house with a new baby only to displace my own dog for 2 weeks. After all, if she really wants to come that bad, she can find a friend or board her dog( can you tell I really love my dogs??) From the thought of this even happening she sure sounds pushy. Sounds like you guys need to stand up for yourselves more to his family.

2. I would see what works the best for you guys and tell them. This is about you and your new little family. If they are going to make things more work for you, cause you anxiety etc when you are already going to be going crazy with a new baby I would not do it.

I say, talk to your partner, figure out what would be the most idea situation for you ( cutting down the time they are staying etc) and tell them. If they don't like it, too bad. This isn't worth you two getting upset and cause tension when this should be the time you are figuring out what to do etc without having to worry about others. Be selfish! It's ok.

Miz_Liz · June 2015

@ashk1027 and @leanne69 she is not going to get your messages, if you scroll up and read the whole chain, she has been banned for some reason.

leanne69 · June 2015

Weird @Miz_Liz thanks!

cosplaymom · June 2015

Yeesh, if that was me I would say:

- no houseguests, period. Exception could be a mom helping out overnight. For one night or maybe a weekend.
- no dogs, period.
- no houseguests (other than above exception) for the first two months. Baby needs to build immunities and get on a schedule.
- sisters who want to visit for a week need to be staying with other local family, or in a hotel.

Good luck!

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