Dad's Role in Parenting

bbnmama2012 · April 2015

My dad sucked. He wasn't around; so, I don't really know what to expect from my husband as a dad. I'm a FTM and I feel like my expectations may be too high, because I treat him as if he should be a second mom, even after he comes home from third shift.

I know this varies across cultures and families, but my question is:
How would you describe the role of a dad?

heidiiwa · April 2015

To love and care for the child to the best of his ability. Dads may not have as strong an instinct to parent initially and first time dads often lack confidence compared to the mom. If this is the case you can help him by giving him small chances to be successful gradually and build his skills. With practice many dads become as involved or even more involved in parenting than mothers. They can step up and take full responsibility as SAHDs if their wife works or is out of the picture.
My dad participated a lot in raising me and my brothers especially while my mom was the breadwinner. We really benefitted from having both perspectives growing up. Every situation is different, but I think you should communicate with your particular man on what aspects of parenting he wants to be more involved with and where his skills lie. Start small and build on his strengths until his comfort level with kids increases.

klkonwi · April 2015

Oooh I'll bite on this one.

My dad was sucky as well. Always gone. Parents finally divorced when I was 15. DH dad was always there and present but they don't hug or say I love you........ So I talk a LOT (probably too much) about what I expect with DH. I think the conversations about it are helpful..... Men like to have it spelled out for them. I wish my DH said "I love you" more...... And he is working on it. I think talk about your expectations and don't let men get away with any sexist notion that women are for the "child raising, cooking,cleaning, etc."
When I go back to work my husband will be alone overnight with the baby and he will learn just like we all learn and be just fine

laurendutch · April 2015

My DH is amazing with our boys. I never knew marrying him how blessed I was to have him be the father of my children. I still remember one day after my boys were born and he was holding one of the boys and started crying...he was just so happy. I don't think I changed a diaper for the first 2 weeks. And when I did he was "micro managing" me to make sure I did it right

He is very hands on and takes the boys to the park/museum/etc every night. I think he secretly loves it bc he gets to relive his childhood. Our main focus/goal in life is our family.

KaLikeAWind · April 2015

My dad was also kinda sucky. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my dad begged my mom to let him have majority time with my sister and I. Which he then didn't use by being distant and using a live in nanny to take care of us. And, more drama but I'll stop there. So I don't rightly know what to expect from a dad, either. My mind wants to paint the typical picture of a dad airplane-ing kid in the sunlit backyard, etc... My hubs likes kids, he likes to goof off with kids, so maybe they will be playing airplane in the yard. As far as taking care of a baby, we're both on a learning curve, so I'm going to let him have his turns at care and try to restrain myself from saying 'do it this way' - cause, honestly... like I know any better?

I'm just going to try and have us both be honest with each other, honest with our kid, and united in fronts when it regards to raising. We have a friend who every Saturday takes his daughter out to breakfast, just the two of them. I think that's a touching and lovely tradition, and am going to encourage something similar with my DH. What is Dad's official 'role'? I guess, to love his kid with his whole heart, and show it as much as possible

mindaa · April 2015

Wow, deep question. You are very self-aware for recognizing all that.

I read a book on the subject (was faith-based, but I'd imagine there would be some that aren't)

When DH talks about being a father, there are two primary dad-specific roles that surface. First, he plans to maintain his role as provider/protector. Second, he's committed to respecting mom and the marriage and demonstrating that positive, healthy relationship. Since we're having a boy, DH will probably be the go-to for the more serious discipline and primary bird-bees talks

(though in general, that stuff will be shared responsibility)

Of course, he imagines being much more... comforter, coach, companion, etc

knwilliams01 · April 2015

My parents are divorced as are DH's. We dated for 5 1/2 years, living together for 2, just because we wanted to do everything we could to make sure we were ready. We both also had some issues with semi-absent dads - so playing a large role in LO's life is important to DH.

DH and I will both be home for the first 6 1/2 weeks but then DH will be a stay at home dad. He has read 4 books on the first year of life from a dad's perspective - 4 more than I have. He is so very excited for this role and I can't wait to see it!

ngaines27 · April 2015

I am very blessed to have a wonderful dad. Growing up, he worked A LOT to provide for our family, but made every effort to tangibly love and serve my mother, sisters and I. Every Sunday morning before church he woke up early to cook a big breakfast for all of us. He actually still does this whenever we visit.

My husband is extremely loving and has an unbelievable servant's heart. While I do function as the primary household "maintainer" he is always willing to pitch in when needed and usually without being prompted. He was phenomenal with our newborns. We took turns, every other night, with both of our girls while he worked a 50 hour week so that I could catch up on sleep. I fell in love with him all over again watching him care for our baby girls and I know the same will happen when our boy arrives.

mommalombardi · April 2015

With us, my dh is the protector and provider. That's what I think of when I think of dads. And it all depends on your personalities..my husband is the patient one so at the end of the day when I'm losing my cool he disiplines and then entertains her. We have a 2 yr old girl and my husband is my daughters world..he is her comfort..and like I said already,her protector. And he also let's me sleep in on Saturdays and cooks a big breakfast like I see alot of other dad's do too

cbrtncanadian · April 2015

I envision dad as being a multitude of things. I am lucky to have an amazing dad and am thankful everyday that he was very involved and loving. I picture DH being much like my dad except maybe with a little less energy...

I remember looking at my baby pictures and seeing many pictures of my dad looking all sleepy eyed with me in his arms. As it turns out he would take turns with mom putting me to sleep by sitting and rocking me to the steep and his favourite music.

My dad was always the one who played with me more physically - throwing balls, running around, fishing, doing sporty things, airplane rides. While my mom played more intellectually with Lego and barbies and store.

Dad was also the calm cool and collected one - the balance in the home between mom and me keeping things level on all sides.

My dad was affectionate and I think that's what made us so close. He never shied away from hugs or kisses or snuggles when I was young. He always found a way to make me feel like his special little girl.

He and mom are and always have been equal providers and partners. I feel very blessed to have them as parents they definitely figured out how to do things together.

pixieprincss · April 2015

You are right that it is such a varying question! I have a very egalitarian marriage and DH and I both work, but on differing schedules, so we both have considerable time as the "primary parent". We both take a role in cleaning, caring, shopping, discipline, play, etc. While he can't BF baby, he does take care of me in those intense early nursing days so I have enough to eat and drink.

I suppose the more helpful question is, what will this look like in your family? A great tool for conversations is a book like this: https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Dare-Have-Until-Parents--ebook/dp/B000XUBFQU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1430361144&sr=1-1&keywords=don%27t+you+dare+have+kids

bbnmama2012 · April 2015

Thankfully, I married a wonderful man who is sensitive, caring and nothing at all like my dad. I guess parenting is something that is difficult to put into words, especially when you've never experienced it. DH says we will figure it all out as we go.
We're having a boy and I know how important it is for a dad to be a part of a boy's life. I was expecting my husband to abandon all his hobbies be at home with the kids as much as I am. That's unfair for me to expect that.

Katerina&Baby · April 2015

I grew up with two great parents so my take on this is a bit different - I don't see or expect to try to enforce any "mother role" vs "father role" attitudes. My mom carted us everywhere and made dinner (SAHM) but my dad always coached our sports teams and quizzed us on our times tables at breakfast - they presented a united front in terms of discipline and reward. DH and I both work so we split household and dog duties evenly - I suspect that our parenting will follow suit (although clearly BFing will fall on me since I'll have to reserve any pumped/stored food for daycare)

ksimo6 · April 2015

I think you and your husband need to figure how you want to parent and try to leave your past out of it. And you can't think your husband is goin to be a "second mom"... he's the dad. The role is different, but that does not mean the responsibilities need to be different.

When I was pregnant with my first, my husband and I had long talks about engagement with children and my expectations of him and his of me. I told him that I would set him up for success (organize clothes, teach him how to make bottles, etc), but that I was not going to be the only parent in this house changing diapers, feeding baby, getting her dressed, doing laundry etc. My DH is amazing when it comes to household cleaning and chores... but we needed that level set on the baby. And you know what, he thrived! He knew nothing about children and he is the one who sleep trained our daughter. He is the one who has taught her how to ride her trike and go down a slide. And eat hamburgers!

Sammy K · April 2015

There are lots of different dad roles. My dad was pretty hands-off but DH is awesome. The only advice I will give is do NOT nag your husband about how he does things. Maybe he diapers, bathes, feeds, plays different than you but if you constantly tell him how he's doing it wrong, he'll stop doing it completely. Unless there is a safety issue, obviously. DH and I do things different but they still get done and DS'S needs are met. Everybody wins.

ksimo6 · April 2015

Sammy K - YES!! Let him figure out how to do things his own way. It was hard for me to keep my mouth shut but I bit my tongue and I am glad I did. DH does not do things the way I would do them, but he and DD get along just fine and I have zero apprehension levaing him with her for any period of time. Will her clothes match? Probably not. But she will be fed and taken care of. I'm good with that!

queequeg09256 · April 2015

have you guys seen that top for girls that says' dad just pair this with some black pants' it's super funny. I'm sorry op my dad was pretty awesome, my parents are happily divorced though. I was a little luckier than most because my parents worked a ton when I was a kid, but we lived close to my uncles and grandparents on my moms side. So my uncles taught me how to ride a bike, my granddad shots hoops with me and my dad helped me with soccer. I think I'm more spoiled because I've had so many great male role models in my life. My dh is a great guy and has a great dad, and while they have a very different relationship then I had, I think that part of that is because he's a guy. I'm worried about my husbands expectations of our daughter, while my parents had expectations of me, I think their greatest accomplishment was having me set high expectations for myself.

Knottie64157109 · May 2015

I had a nonexsistant Dad growing up so when I had my first 11 years ago I immediately went into super Mom role which ended up pulling us apart fast (it was doomed). Fast forward 11 years to a marriage, a very happy one, I do NOT want to be a "single" mom again. I expect him to be involved in all the day to day things.

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