Oh my goodness I am simply saying stop being judgmental people, I'm pretty sure we all do things that others may think is bad etiquette. And culturally speaking in my culture at least when women get married they are "supposed" to be virgins and not live with their intended until after they are married, however not only did I have my 1st child out of wedlock and wasn't a virgin when I got married so I don't feel I have the right to judge others. I believe judging someone for having a second baby shower is like judging someone for having a second wedding after a divorce, I don't do either of the two.
it's been said a million times, but i'll say it again... baby shower =/= wedding.
if you're going to compare them, baby shower is to birth as bridal shower is to wedding. and generally on second marriages, you don't have another bridal shower. Because your household is already outfitted. Same idea.
I don't think having a shower for multiple babies is bad etiquette I don't get where people think that. When I attend a shower for a 2nd or 3rd baby I never feel that the mother is being greedy. I have a cousin that had all her kids back to back and although I'm sure a few snobby people talked behind her back because my aunt threw her one for every child, but it was my aunt (her mom), my grandmother and our great aunts that bought all the big ticket items for her. If you celebrated your 1st child's birth why would you not celebrate your 2nd or 3rd. This is my second child and my husband's first child, and honestly my family is throwing me another baby shower. I don't think it's a big deal. And some of the comments on here are down right rude. As far as etiquette it used to be bad etiquette to get divorced, to have children out of wedlock, and it is also bad etiquette to not be a virgin when you get married. This is the 21st century get off your high horse.
You're confusing etiquette with morals. There's quite a difference.
Also, birthdays celebrate a year of your child's life. Showers welcome you to motherhood. Once you are a mother, you do not need re-welcoming.
You're grasping at straws here, but you're comparing apples to oranges all over the place.
I had a HUGE co-ed shower for our first (my sister and parents threw it), then my best friends through one for me for friends/co-workers of my husband and military wives, then my work through a small shower after school one day. We went through a lot to have our son...he was our "only one"....we sold EVERYTHING once he turned 4 (this past summer). I found out I'm pregnant - totally on my own this time - out of nowhere! - super excited, super shocked! My sister and cousins are already planning another baby shower. My work just asked me this morning if I'd mind if they gave us a larger gift from the faculty (b/c they can't do gift cards anymore) and my BFF's are excited as well! I think it's all in how your beliefs are. If I was invited to a 15th shower for someone, I'd go just b/c I'm happy for them OR I'd not go if I didn't care for them. In my mind, it has nothing to do with tact...it's about love and excitement for a new life.
Andplusalso, why does the 21st century mean we throw etiquette out the window? Technology changes. People change. Etiquette changes, but not by great leaps and bounds.
I didn't realize a shower was viewed as welcoming a mother to motherhood, I thought it was to celebrate the baby. I'm sure there are lots of people who see showers as a celebration of new life, and showering the baby with gifts, rather than the mother. It looks like that's where the differing of opinions on the matter comes from.
I didn't realize a shower was viewed as welcoming a mother to motherhood, I thought it was to celebrate the baby. I'm sure there are lots of people who see showers as a celebration of new life, and showering the baby with gifts, rather than the mother. It looks like that's where the differing of opinions on the matter comes from.
Well since the mother is the guest of honor, and the baby isn't born yet, it's really the mother to be who is celebrated. Not the baby who isn't there. Also the parents are the ones benefitting in that they won't have to buy the items gifted to them.
Honestly it's up to you or whoever is planning the shower. My aunt was furious with me that I'd invite men and have my child's father at my first shower because baby showers are traditionally "female only," but I didn't care. I'm having another shower for my second child, especially if it's a girl. I couldn't care less if it's tacky or untraditional, it's my baby so everyone else can mind their own business.
Honestly it's up to you or whoever is planning the shower. My aunt was furious with me that I'd invite men and have my child's father at my first shower because baby showers are traditionally "female only," but I didn't care. I'm having another shower for my second child, especially if it's a girl. I couldn't care less if it's tacky or untraditional, it's my baby so everyone else can mind their own business.
Please please please go to the baby shower board and ask for ideas on how to throw this totes cute shower for yourself, er, I mean for your baby.
Edited to add: It is incredibly tacky and people will see you as gift grabby whether they admit it or not. Way to go at being entitled.
Plenty of showers are planned for after the baby's arrival, too. In that case, is the mother still the guest of honor and not the baby that will be putting the gifts to use? No intention of sounding snarky, so please don't read it that way. I totally understand the "welcoming mommy-to-be to motherhood" idea, I had just never heard it put that way before. I had always seen it as a welcoming party for the baby.
Who is the official voice of etiquette? The only guru I know of is Emily Post and here is what she has to say about baby showers. And it contradicts a lot of the advice given here. I'll admit I roll my eyes hard at 2nd showers for same sex children within about 2-3 years of each other and other faux pas such as addressing my own thank you or not receiving a thank you at all. But for discussion:
It's hard not to make a fuss over a new baby, even before the little bundle of joy is born. That is why we "shower" parents-to-be with presents. Not only do these gifts make their lives easier and provide for the new member of the household but they also help family and friends feel connected to the big event.
Timing and Inviting
In an effort to beat the clock, showers are usually given four to six weeks before the baby's due date. Parents who receive gifts in advance of the birth have the advantage of knowing what additional items they'll need to buy or borrow. However, showers can also wait until a few weeks after the birth. In fact, some expectant couples prefer to defer receiving gifts until after the baby's arrival.
Invitations are sent out three weeks before the shower. Store-bought fill-ins come in a wide variety of designs and are widely available, as are invitations that can be designed online or on your computer. However creative your invitation, don't forget the essentials: the mother's (or parents') name(s), the shower's date, time and location, and a request to RSVP. Gift information is never listed on the invitation itself, but it's fine to mention "The nursery is blue and green," or, "Jenna's expecting a girl." The host should be prepared to give gift suggestions and nowadays it's acceptable to include baby registry information on a separate enclosure.
Hosts and Honorees
Traditionally, close friends, cousins, aunts, sisters-in-law, or coworkers of the mother-to-be hosted baby showers. Because gifts are central to showers, hosting by a member of the honoree's (or husband's) immediate family appeared self-serving. Today it is appropriate for anyone to host a baby shower as long as there's a legitimate reason. For example, some parents-to-be live far from their hometowns, and their mothers and siblings want to host a shower so that longtime friends can attend.
Adoptive mothers - Showers for an adopted child—whether an infant, an older baby, or a toddler—differ in that they're held after the baby has been brought into the home. It's a good idea to include the child's age and perhaps clothing size on the invitation.
Single mothers - A shower for an expectant or new single mother is a good way for her family and friends to show their love and support.
Thank you notes
Thank you notes should be written for baby shower gifts, and the wise expectant mother or father writes them as soon as possible. Even when the giver has been enthusiastically thanked in person and has told the new parent not to bother with a note (and when close friends and relatives have said the same as a thoughtful gesture), a note is still always appreciated, if not a must.
Gifts
If the person who's hosting the shower noted "Remember, Joan needs practical baby clothes," there's no reason to take offense; nor do you have to take her advice. Some people are stumped about what to give at a baby shower and are grateful for any guidance. While registering for shower gifts at a store or online is practical and time-saving for the parents-to-be and guests alike, many people feel that a registry list robs a shower of its charm. If the host and honoree decide to go the gift registry route, they should never include registry information on the invitation itself, though enclosing it on a separate sheet of paper is fine. Nor should the host insist that guests use the registry. Guests should always feel free to choose whatever gifts they think are best, and half the fun of giving and receiving presents is the element of surprise.
Choosing Shower Gifts
Baby clothes and crib linens are the most common shower presents, followed by plush toys, mobiles, and baby care items. Sometimes a group will pool for a larger item, such as a stroller or car seat. Often relatives choose something commemorative, such as a silver frame or cup to be engraved with the baby's name and date of birth, a silver rattle or baby bracelet, or a baby album.
Well, my name is Jenna, I haven't posted anything on here yet.. I am not a first time mom but with this topic I actually do have a question. I see there are a lot of strong feelings regarding baby shower etiquette so I'd like honest opinions of my situation. I have 2 children. My daughter is 7 & my son is going to be 6 here in May. My current significant other also has a 7 year old girl. I've already purchased most of my baby items on my own so I'm certainly not looking for hand outs. I came from a pretty abusive background so in turn I never had any sort of party thrown for me whether it be graduation, birthday, wedding, or baby shower. My mother would always say things like, "no one will come anyway" because she never kept in contact with extended family so I never got to know them.. For about 3 years now I've had no contact with my family.. My SO's sister wants to throw me a shower because I've never had one. Is this also "bad etiquette"? Or no one has really given advice on how to turn down someone trying to throw you a shower, they've just said it's rude to have multiple showers.. Thanks in advance.
I wouldn't do it. To me it doesn't say greedy as much as needy. I'd do a "meet and greet" tea or something so I can get everyone coming over outta the way at once but I don't want to ask for gifts multiple times. I feel equally convicted about "before the baby is born showers". Isn't it to celebrate the baby - who isn't here yet? I find that so confusing.
@babylala07 The Emily Post website is run by her children. I believe it's her daughters in law. She is deceased. The true guru would be Miss Manners, and I believe she is in the showers for first time parents only camp. I'm pretty sure Emily Post is rolling over in her grave at what's being published in her name.
Plenty of showers are planned for after the baby's arrival, too. In that case, is the mother still the guest of honor and not the baby that will be putting the gifts to use? No intention of sounding snarky, so please don't read it that way. I totally understand the "welcoming mommy-to-be to motherhood" idea, I had just never heard it put that way before. I had always seen it as a welcoming party for the baby.
From what I've seen those are generally considered non-gift giving events and are more about meeting the baby. I've heard them termed "sip and see" or something of that nature but they are, at least in my experience, not about showering the mother to be with gifts and more about showing off the new baby.
DS1: 8/3/10, DD1: 8/17/13, DD2: 8/13/15
Twins lost to due to partial molar pregnancy: September 2011
Well, my name is Jenna, I haven't posted anything on here yet.. I am not a first time mom but with this topic I actually do have a question. I see there are a lot of strong feelings regarding baby shower etiquette so I'd like honest opinions of my situation. I have 2 children. My daughter is 7 & my son is going to be 6 here in May. My current significant other also has a 7 year old girl. I've already purchased most of my baby items on my own so I'm certainly not looking for hand outs. I came from a pretty abusive background so in turn I never had any sort of party thrown for me whether it be graduation, birthday, wedding, or baby shower. My mother would always say things like, "no one will come anyway" because she never kept in contact with extended family so I never got to know them.. For about 3 years now I've had no contact with my family.. My SO's sister wants to throw me a shower because I've never had one. Is this also "bad etiquette"? Or no one has really given advice on how to turn down someone trying to throw you a shower, they've just said it's rude to have multiple showers.. Thanks in advance.
It doesn't seem like anyone has responded to you but I would say, if you are comfortable with it, to accept the offer of someone throwing you a shower. I personally wouldn't know how to decline unless you say, "no thank you, I'm already a mother and have everything I need"?
Well, my name is Jenna, I haven't posted anything on here yet.. I am not a first time mom but with this topic I actually do have a question. I see there are a lot of strong feelings regarding baby shower etiquette so I'd like honest opinions of my situation. I have 2 children. My daughter is 7 & my son is going to be 6 here in May. My current significant other also has a 7 year old girl. I've already purchased most of my baby items on my own so I'm certainly not looking for hand outs. I came from a pretty abusive background so in turn I never had any sort of party thrown for me whether it be graduation, birthday, wedding, or baby shower. My mother would always say things like, "no one will come anyway" because she never kept in contact with extended family so I never got to know them.. For about 3 years now I've had no contact with my family.. My SO's sister wants to throw me a shower because I've never had one. Is this also "bad etiquette"? Or no one has really given advice on how to turn down someone trying to throw you a shower, they've just said it's rude to have multiple showers.. Thanks in advance.
It doesn't seem like anyone has responded to you but I would say, if you are comfortable with it, to accept the offer of someone throwing you a shower. I personally wouldn't know how to decline unless you say, "no thank you, I'm already a mother and have everything I need"?
The most polite way to turn down a gift giving party (shower) is to say something along the lines of "thank you so much, but I really don't need to be showered with gifts. Why don't we just do a girls brunch instead and chat?"
ETA: The difference? Shower implies gifts by its very nature. But would you ever think to bring a gift to a casual luncheon?
@babylala07 The Emily Post website is run by her children. I believe it's her daughters in law. She is deceased. The true guru would be Miss Manners, and I believe she is in the showers for first time parents only camp. I'm pretty sure Emily Post is rolling over in her grave at what's being published in her name.
Not to beat this dead horse of a thread, but it's true, Miss Manners is definitely in the showers for first time parents only camp.
DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have been invited to a baby shower for a friend’s second child. The first one is just turning 2 years old. I always thought baby showers were for your first child and you used the baby items again for your second child. To me it seems they are begging for gifts. My daughter claims this is the norm these days. What is your opinion?
GENTLE READER — That your daughter is right: Begging for gifts is normal these days. It is also vulgar, of course. You are also right that baby showers are supposed to be for the expectation of a baby’s appearing in a household not already over-run with baby equipment.
But Miss Manners makes an exception for an informal gathering of the expectant mother’s close friends who are moved to make a fuss over her a second — or fifth — time. However, the plea that a more formal gathering for the lady’s entire acquaintance, complete with those detestable gift registries, would enable the guest of honor to parcel out her shopping is not charming.
I am sorry I was not trying to make "damn a fruit salad" and I simply meant that there are a lot of things that many consider would to be bad etiquette. I feel that people who live in "glass houses" really shouldn't throw stones. I am trying not judge people however there are a lot things that I consider bad etiquette as well. Primarily when I try to shop for a baby shower and both parents are not gainfully employed and they include the most expensive stroller, pack n play, carseat, high chair, crib etc. in the store, I feel that is "a gift grab" because if they were not to get the items at their baby shower, would they really go out and spend that much money on each item?, no they wouldn't be able to afford to, however they expect/hope for other people to buy that for them or when I get invited to a potluck baby shower, I think that's a bit tacky. But I feel bad for making those judgements known because it would hurt people. Ultimately to each their own. If you feel having a baby shower for a 2nd or 3rd child is bad etiquette, don't have one or don't go when you get invited to one, it's really simple.
Do the "WE SOLD EVERYTHING" "WE GOT RID OF EVERYTHING" people not see how this comes across like you expect people to buy your baby stuff because you don't want to? I mean, really?
You gals must have some incredibly forceful relatives.. If I said "no, don't throw me a shower, I don't want to be gift grabby," they'd probably respect my wishes.. And by probably I mean totally. It must be so hard to deal with all these people demanding to host baby showers.
I think the decision to have a baby shower or not can depend on the circumstances your family is in. My mother hosted a baby shower during my first pregnancy. Before I had my second child, my family moved to a new state. Shortly after my second was born our church community hosted a baby shower for us. This ended up being helpful since we had a girl then a boy. However, I did not ask for either baby shower. The church community insisted on having one for us - it's hard to tell church ladies no! When we had our third while living in the same community, we did not have a baby shower at all. This is our fourth child and though we are living in another state again, I do not expect or want another baby shower. I find it in poor taste to host your own or even ask someone to host one for you. If your friends or family offer, then you can discuss the decision with the host at that point.
You gals must have some incredibly forceful relatives.. If I said "no, don't throw me a shower, I don't want to be gift grabby," they'd probably respect my wishes.. And by probably I mean totally. It must be so hard to deal with all these people demanding to host baby showers.
My thoughts exactly. Why isn't a "thank you for offering, but I will pass on the shower" sufficient? You can even suggest an alternative like getting together for lunch. I don't know about anyone else but I make my own decisions and don't leave them up to my family.
I never had a shower for my first he will be nine in July and don't plan on having one for this baby either, I just don't like showers. My SIL is expecting their 4th a surprise baby like mine, they had gotten rid of everything so they are having another shower her registry consists of only a few item costing less then $50. I went to her first one 13 years ago and needless to say I will not be going to this one. I will get them a gift after baby comes like I always do but buying necessities and big ticket items I believe is the parents job.
Honestly, people are going to be pissy about just about anything u do. There's always going to be someone judging or talking crap. It's ur decision. If u and ur family want to throw a shower for baby # Whatever, who cares. If others don't like it then they don't have to go. Too easy. No point in bashing each other over some mother's and families wanting to celebrated a new life. Some say that a baby shower is to welcome a new mom to motherhood... well OK it may mean that to some but not to others. Who cares what someone else thinks.
It's pretty sad that the first thing u have to say to my reply is about my spelling. Lol. If u don't like it then block me or get over it. If people want to celebrate with their families then they should.
Teaching ur children to spell has nothing to do with me or baby showers. Tell me... does it make u feel better to complain about my spelling? Bc it doesn't bother me in the least. U seem insecure or something to be making such a huge fuss about it. I hope u pull the stick out of ur butt soon. Ur negative attitude makes me feel sorry for u.
Teaching ur children to spell has nothing to do with me or baby showers. Tell me... does it make u feel better to complain about my spelling? Bc it doesn't bother me in the least. U seem insecure or something to be making such a huge fuss about it. I hope u pull the stick out of ur butt soon. Ur negative attitude makes me feel sorry for u.
It just makes your posts difficult to read. Again, board etiquette goes a long way.
I do try the best at my spelling. Also, I'm on my cell phone and it changes the words that I write occasionally. I'm sorry that it bothers people that much.
@JessLawson they will find any and everything about your post to complain about.. It's a never ending thing here. You know your response on "the bump" won't influence her child's ability to spell in school but she needed something to say. Ignore it. Most people have already moved over to the October board if you wanted to give input w/out all of the extra "I want my child to know spelling matters" post. XO
@JessLawson they will find any and everything about your post to complain about.. It's a never ending thing here. You know your response on "the bump" won't influence her child's ability to spell in school but she needed something to say. Ignore it. Most people have already moved over to the October board if you wanted to give input w/out all of the extra "I want my child to know spelling matters" post. XO
You're a positive bundle of sunshine.
It does matter actually. If you want the next generation to care more about this planet, etiquette and education you have to portray that yourself.
So her comments on "the bump" are going to effectively change the next generations views on the planet. How did this thread get so deep!? Stop trying to make something out of nothing, I have 90 sixth graders that I actually educate daily.. That's changing the next generation not some grammar error on a pregnancy site. Carry on.
Re: baby shower or no?
Also, birthdays celebrate a year of your child's life. Showers welcome you to motherhood. Once you are a mother, you do not need re-welcoming.
You're grasping at straws here, but you're comparing apples to oranges all over the place.
Edited to add: It is incredibly tacky and people will see you as gift grabby whether they admit it or not. Way to go at being entitled.
Baby Showers: Welcoming the New Baby
It's hard not to make a fuss over a new baby, even before the little bundle of joy is born. That is why we "shower" parents-to-be with presents. Not only do these gifts make their lives easier and provide for the new member of the household but they also help family and friends feel connected to the big event.
Timing and Inviting
In an effort to beat the clock, showers are usually given four to six weeks before the baby's due date. Parents who receive gifts in advance of the birth have the advantage of knowing what additional items they'll need to buy or borrow. However, showers can also wait until a few weeks after the birth. In fact, some expectant couples prefer to defer receiving gifts until after the baby's arrival.
Invitations are sent out three weeks before the shower. Store-bought fill-ins come in a wide variety of designs and are widely available, as are invitations that can be designed online or on your computer. However creative your invitation, don't forget the essentials: the mother's (or parents') name(s), the shower's date, time and location, and a request to RSVP. Gift information is never listed on the invitation itself, but it's fine to mention "The nursery is blue and green," or, "Jenna's expecting a girl." The host should be prepared to give gift suggestions and nowadays it's acceptable to include baby registry information on a separate enclosure.
Hosts and Honorees
Traditionally, close friends, cousins, aunts, sisters-in-law, or coworkers of the mother-to-be hosted baby showers. Because gifts are central to showers, hosting by a member of the honoree's (or husband's) immediate family appeared self-serving. Today it is appropriate for anyone to host a baby shower as long as there's a legitimate reason. For example, some parents-to-be live far from their hometowns, and their mothers and siblings want to host a shower so that longtime friends can attend.
Adoptive mothers - Showers for an adopted child—whether an infant, an older baby, or a toddler—differ in that they're held after the baby has been brought into the home. It's a good idea to include the child's age and perhaps clothing size on the invitation.
Single mothers - A shower for an expectant or new single mother is a good way for her family and friends to show their love and support.
Thank you notes
Thank you notes should be written for baby shower gifts, and the wise expectant mother or father writes them as soon as possible. Even when the giver has been enthusiastically thanked in person and has told the new parent not to bother with a note (and when close friends and relatives have said the same as a thoughtful gesture), a note is still always appreciated, if not a must.
Gifts
If the person who's hosting the shower noted "Remember, Joan needs practical baby clothes," there's no reason to take offense; nor do you have to take her advice. Some people are stumped about what to give at a baby shower and are grateful for any guidance. While registering for shower gifts at a store or online is practical and time-saving for the parents-to-be and guests alike, many people feel that a registry list robs a shower of its charm. If the host and honoree decide to go the gift registry route, they should never include registry information on the invitation itself, though enclosing it on a separate sheet of paper is fine. Nor should the host insist that guests use the registry. Guests should always feel free to choose whatever gifts they think are best, and half the fun of giving and receiving presents is the element of surprise.
Choosing Shower Gifts
Baby clothes and crib linens are the most common shower presents, followed by plush toys, mobiles, and baby care items. Sometimes a group will pool for a larger item, such as a stroller or car seat. Often relatives choose something commemorative, such as a silver frame or cup to be engraved with the baby's name and date of birth, a silver rattle or baby bracelet, or a baby album.
I have 2 children. My daughter is 7 & my son is going to be 6 here in May. My current significant other also has a 7 year old girl. I've already purchased most of my baby items on my own so I'm certainly not looking for hand outs. I came from a pretty abusive background so in turn I never had any sort of party thrown for me whether it be graduation, birthday, wedding, or baby shower. My mother would always say things like, "no one will come anyway" because she never kept in contact with extended family so I never got to know them.. For about 3 years now I've had no contact with my family.. My SO's sister wants to throw me a shower because I've never had one. Is this also "bad etiquette"? Or no one has really given advice on how to turn down someone trying to throw you a shower, they've just said it's rude to have multiple showers..
Thanks in advance.
ETA: The difference? Shower implies gifts by its very nature. But would you ever think to bring a gift to a casual luncheon?
Not to beat this dead horse of a thread, but it's true, Miss Manners is definitely in the showers for first time parents only camp.
https://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=1295
DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have been invited to a baby shower for a friend’s second child. The first one is just turning 2 years old. I always thought baby showers were for your first child and you used the baby items again for your second child. To me it seems they are begging for gifts. My daughter claims this is the norm these days. What is your opinion?
GENTLE READER — That your daughter is right: Begging for gifts is normal these days. It is also vulgar, of course. You are also right that baby showers are supposed to be for the expectation of a baby’s appearing in a household not already over-run with baby equipment.
But Miss Manners makes an exception for an informal gathering of the expectant mother’s close friends who are moved to make a fuss over her a second — or fifth — time. However, the plea that a more formal gathering for the lady’s entire acquaintance, complete with those detestable gift registries, would enable the guest of honor to parcel out her shopping is not charming.
Sigh, some people will just never get it.
Edit: the cat under your post that is. It didn't include it in the quote box.
(Wishing there was a sarcasm font)