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September 2015 Moms
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Gender Neutrality past gender confirmation - Frustrating friends.

NirolosaNirolosa member
edited April 2015 in September 2015 Moms
Friends moderately grasped the concept of me not wanting to know the sex of the baby even if he or she flashes their bits at us at the scan in May. We're planning to do a gender reveal at the shower if it does show us but ideally I don't want to know till then. Most think it's really cute and magical to let the mystery remain until the baby shower. However almost zero friends seem to be realizing that I intend on taking gender neutrality onward past the shower despite mentioning it. For those first few months after the birth, the baby and us will have a lot of things to meld into a new family. It will be puking or pooping the entire time and all over every outfit ever bought for it and probably over myself as well. So we don't overly plan on focusing on pink dresses etc. 

So the clothing I've purchased so far has all been in the usual neutral colours (yellow/green) or loosely boyish (like this one awesome onesie with fossils on it) but could easily work for either gender as he or she makes a mess all over it. Fast forward to last night when I posted a photo of our haul of clothing a friend of mine and I bought at a massive fund raiser. First thing a few people REALLY seemed to focus on was the 'boyish' nature of the clothing ignoring the many months of discussion with them over why I don't want to know the sex ASAP** and that some styles can be unisex for the most part. I'm just avoiding pink/frills/overtly masculine items.

Finding it tiring to reiterate to friends over and over about why my husband and I want to go this route. Quite a few of them seem to feel constantly debating what we buy at the moment as if it just might change our minds and we'll suddenly want x for boy or x for girl. One BIG offender is actually a close friend of mine, who really should know better, since she wanted to be apart of the baby shower, which has a big focus on not knowing what the baby will be till the reveal part. This has been something we've wanted to do since before we ever knew we were pregnant and has been openly discussed with almost all of these friends since we announced the baby was 3 months gestation.

Am I being crazy?

**Note: I don't plan on carrying the neutrality until the end of time, for just a few months after the birth. Plus there's always that one shot that the tech incorrectly guessed the sex haha! 
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Re: Gender Neutrality past gender confirmation - Frustrating friends.

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  • beansideiraebeansideirae member
    I think it's great that you're doing that after birth too, I think parents nowadays go overboard trying to conform a baby to gender expectations. hubby and I have talked about this a lot, but haven't really figured out where to strike a balance because we like those cutesy pink clothes so much :) but baby will have some neutral things too.
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  • NirolosaNirolosa member
    Oh yeah there will definitely be some unavoidable stuff people will buy and I am okay with that. They will get used for a while and or donated after a while to the same charity I bought a bunch of clothing from recently (they help out parents with low income with multiples). Even I am not going to be totally immune to the cute outfits that are definitely gender specific.

    I just want to let my baby be a baby for a while, it doesn't need gendered clothing for that right out of the gate. There's a lot of pressure on women and men to be x, y or z and a baby is tossed right into the heart of that from birth. I can wait and take time to see what he or she might get dressed in. Those first few months are going to be busy and full of bodily fluids anyways so it won't affect us much if we wait. It'll still be a boy or a girl by the time things remotely settle down lol

    Conveying that to friends who are not so much into the different shades of colours in life is a little tiring but I am hopeful that we get some level of the message across to them.
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  • sphillips18sphillips18 member
    i plan on not telling anyone the gender until the baby shower. I prefer gender neutral colors since I'm not a big fan of the baby powder pink and blue and stuff like that. The only people that will know the gender before everyone else is my parents grandma brother and best friend. But they understand why I want to stay gender neutral for now. Of course my grandma wants to buy things for the baby relating to the gender but she respects how I feel. Most my friends are insisting that our baby is gonna be a certain gender but I just tell them I'm gonna laugh when they are disappointed to find it's the opposite of what they expect.
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  • NirolosaNirolosa member
    haha I plan on doing the same! :P
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  • rachelkawesomerachelkawesome member
    Just wondering, are you planning on any more kids after this? I am a FTM, and one of the big reasons I want the gender neutral stuff is to reuse it on the next pregnancy. People I've talked to understand that as a practical reason, even if they aren't on board with gender neutrality on the whole. I'm like you though and don't want to gender stereotype my kid so much from the get-go.
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  • WDDCHWDDCH member
    edited April 2015
    It sounds like your friends want what THEY want. Many moms want sex-specific clothes (I personally do) so they're not comprehending why you'd want neutral even after finding out the sex. Maybe a "please respect my choice to buy neutral clothes" talk is in order? It's a silly thing for them to get upset over. Baby may destroy most of those clothes anyway (formula/breastmilk AND poop all stain and babies have liquids coming out of several orifices everyday, it seems lol).
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  • UnicornFarts1125UnicornFarts1125 member
    The other option...just don't find out until the birth. I really don't understand the obsession with knowing. I was team green with my last and will be again for this one. Peope act like its impossible to not know. I don't know how women survived before 20 years ago....
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  • DebberellaDebberella member
    We waited till birth for #1. For this baby we haven't decided if we want to know yet. US is booked for may 19.

    Ignore everyone else and do what works for you two.
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  • lola2beelola2bee member
    shelbydd said:

    I feel like doing a gender reveal is putting emphasis on the gender when you seem to not want that so it is a little bit confusing.

    Yes it seems like you're trying to change the way people think instead of just going with the plan you already have. You don't need to convince them that your way is better. Just do what you want!
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  • NirolosaNirolosa member
    edited April 2015
    We're doing a gender reveal because it'll A: stop the questions about if it's a boy or girl and B: we plan to do it in a light tongue in cheek play at humor about the focus on either one or the other. Everyone has an opinion on what it will be so we're going to use this has a fun way to play with that. 

    We're posting about what we've bought on facebook because this our first child and we're excited about it. We did not expect me to ever ever ever become pregnant in the first place. I've had issues, painful health related ones. Until that beautiful line went solid in Jan we were fairly sure we would never be able to have the joy of becoming parents. I'm not about to curtail that excitement even with some friends not understanding why we're choosing to continue a little while without buying to much sex a or b clothing. Plus a rather large section of family and friends live abroad and not able to see our day to day stuff or even talk all that frequently. I mean I have one sister in law in Aussie land, one in England, MIL/FIL in Cyprus and friends in Scotland, Denmark and the US. Sharing online is not about showing off or making a big deal of anything, it's just wanting to share with love ones.


    There is no show, no song and dance no more than buying sex a or b items. This is just our option c.

    Note: There was no mention on the post I originally put to facebook about gender focused items not even remotely - that came in the comments of a few friends who thought what was bought was extremely boyish in style. My frustration was in the fact they were friends who have been exposed to our views in day to day life about it. They were already aware of what we wanted but still seemed to want to debate it.
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  • verveine407verveine407 member
    I would encourage you not to let this become a rift between you and your close friends. Picking a gender neutral theme and registering for gender neutral items is really all you can do. If you worked for a marketing firm and needed to create a buzz, using social media and throwing a party are great ways to focus attention on the baby's gender. I think people might be so excited to find out because you sound so excited to find out. And really who can blame you?! It's one more thing you know about your amazing little person that is keeping so any secrets right now!
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  • soberrysweetsoberrysweet member
    You seem to not be able to control yourself for talking about your gender neutral views then.  Expect to hear opinions, regardless of whether or not you like them.  People are allowed to disagree with you. LOL.  If you don't want to hear it, then shut up about it.
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  • shaunnar053shaunnar053 member
    What @mrscaterosales said!!
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  • LaurenNewphLaurenNewph member
    Plain and simple... Why should anyone care? Do your thing, and ignore everyone else!
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  • LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    We are keeping the gender nutral theme for 6 month and under clothes and baby gear that WE buy. LOL gifts are fair game, and very appreciated. We are having a boy, so nobody will buy us pink dresses!

    Side note, just went to Hobby Lobby and was so disappointed!!! 95% of their baby room decorations were pink/peach and covered in glitter or flowers. :-( Where in the world are all the boy room decorations?? I guess I need to go to another store.
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  • conchispititaconchispitita member
    Eh, part of life is sharing a world with people who don't share your views. Live and let live. They are allowed to disagree, just as you are allowed to dress your child as you deem fit.

    I don't know what I'm having yet, but bought some clothes because I honestly couldn't tell what they were for..and because I liked them :) When I showed my dad and husband they both said they were "boy" clothes, what if it's a girl, blah blah...my position is that the haters will shut up when they see how stinkin cute that baby is in that outfit!
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  • NirolosaNirolosa member
    I'm okay with people not sharing our views, I mean there's no way 100% of people agree with 100% of people. Just doesn't happen in a complex world like this. Especially with a slightly off the beaten trail view that isn't fully what others might expect.

    My biggest pet peeve is that the main agitators within friends are ones who have known for years about my particular wanting to be flexible with say tossing a girl into some boy'ish clothing (or vice versa) or my dislike of over use of pink. A topic which came up with a few of them (and myself) just the week before. 

    Now they seem just as stuck in on debating it as I am in defending it. Thankfully by this point I believe all of us have reached the 'agree to disagree' moment. 

    It occurred to me recently... that I have bigger fish to fry than dealing with friends who aren't on board with our choice atm. We just bought our first house and there's a ton to do before we get to call it home in 53 days! So priorities and what not have to be dealt with, plus this baby still has almost 20 weeks left before the world gets to focus solely on it.
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  • rachelkawesomerachelkawesome member
    Yeah, I have a friend who is also weirdly hung up on the clothing thing. She was pissed at her sister in law when she didn't want to find out the sex of the baby, because it somehow impacted what she was going to buy (at the time I was like "I'm going to do the same thing, just buy something other than clothing or yellow!"). Then when I changed my mind and found out the sex of my baby, she said "So you're not doing the gender neutral clothing anymore right?" and got pissy with me when I said "No, I'm still doing that."

    This is a strangely touchy subject for people. I think because clothing is ultimately not super important compared to so many other parenting decisions, people on both sides think that the other side is making too big a deal out of it. But really, if it's not that important, than people should just respect other's choices and let it go.
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  • Elizabeth043086Elizabeth043086 member
    Nah, your not crazy.  I put quite boyish things on my boys, but I LOVE the neutral stuff.  And I am TERRIFIED of the things my family will buy if I have a girl.  I HATE overly frilly girly stuff.  Gag.

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  • NirolosaNirolosa member
    Growing up, I was pretty tom boyish despite my mother's best efforts to dress me up ... granted she at least avoided pink, frills though I was not so lucky in avoiding... damn 1980s. Even as a baby my mum just tossed me into white onesies and let me do what I wanted haha! It took until my very early 20s before I happily settled into a far more feminine style. Parents never enforced me to pick a, b or whatever. It was all up to me after they clicked into the fact I liked being tom boyish. It was about then I decided any kids I would have would be allowed a similar freedom of choice.

    The practical side of it also makes sense, reusable clothing down the road if we have kid #2, kids puke and poop on all things equally anyways and I get to avoid the things I dislike most about marketing in relation gender-clothing (went to college for it, you sour quickly on what marketers do after that).

    Plus what does the kid care? Not one bit! It'll be warm, fed and happy (not to mention insanely spoiled) for it's time living under our roof :P
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