In-laws being ridiculous!

djharris01 · April 2015

I need advice ladies!
So to start out, I'm not very close with my sister-in-laws. They are a lot older than me and we just have never connected. Well they never said they wanted to throw me a baby shower so I started to plan one myself. I didn't mind because I like planning. Well my mother in law said that isn't right and pretty much told my sister in laws that they need to plan it. Neither of my sister in laws have contacted me except one text wanting information. So I went ahead and added them to my Pinterest board of ideas and shared what I was thinking for the shower. I offered to split the cost because I just felt like they didn't even want to be doing this so I would help out.

Come to find out my sister in laws are talking really bad about me to their family and how ridiculous I am wanting all of this stuff and it is rude of me to throw all these things out there that I want at a shower when they are planning it. My father in law even called my husband and asked what my problem was and it was rude what I was doing. They also said why are we even planning this for her if she already has what she wants? I'm honestly really confused why telling them things I would like at the shower is so offensive and crazy. It honestly hurts my feelings that they are talking about me and not just saying how they feel to my face. Just because I throw ideas out, doesn't mean the shower is planned. I just wanted some nice advice from you other ladies on how to deal with this. This shower is supposed to be special and something I remember forever and it just feels like they aren't even throwing this for me out of a loving gesture but just because they have too.

Sorry for the long post!

Miz_Liz · April 2015

Honestly, I think you need to take a back seat and let them plan it. I think it is okay to tell them who you want invited or certain things you feel really strongly about (e.g. I know my friends and I all made it very clear that none of us wanted any of the "guess how many squares of toilet paper go around mom's belly" type of games), but other than that, it should be their thing. I would be insulted and annoyed too if I was planning a party for someone and they kept telling me how to do it. Sorry, not the answer you were hoping for, but that is how it typically goes with a baby shower (or any shower).

jessyluscious77 · April 2015

You need to let them have the freedom to plan your shower. It is considered rude and gift grabby to plan your own shower for any reason. I realize you have a dream or vision of what you want in your head, but, you have to let that go because you should not be planning your own shower or expecting them to plan it the way you would. A shower is a gift someone else does for you but should never be expected even though they are the mainstream thing to do now. Create your registry for things you like as a guide for your guests. Provide a guest list. Other than that, you will have to let them do this for you.

djharris01 · April 2015

@Miz_Liz thank you, that does help me see their side. I just wish they would have told me and I totally would have took a step back and realized they didn't like all my suggestions. I'm grateful for the help but communication is always key I think. Thank you for your reply!

leighalou91 · April 2015

Miz_Liz said:
Honestly, I think you need to take a back seat and let them plan it. I think it is okay to tell them who you want invited or certain things you feel really strongly about (e.g. I know my friends and I all made it very clear that none of us wanted any of the "guess how many squares of toilet paper go around mom's belly" type of games), but other than that, it should be their thing. I would be insulted and annoyed too if I was planning a party for someone and they kept telling me how to do it. Sorry, not the answer you were hoping for, but that is how it typically goes with a baby shower (or any shower).

This exactly.

djharris01 · April 2015

@jessyluscious77 I agree with what you are saying. I am fine with taking that step back and I don't want to seem rude

My sisters are planning me a shower and are having me really involved so I guess I just expected that? it's hard to see a side when you didn't understand it completely but what you said helps.

kat+1 · April 2015

I say thanks but no thanks and plan your own. Tradition or not if they are going to be like this about ideas you have then why have them involved. My sisters in law didn't throw me a party and they didn't come to the one I planned it wasn't the end of the world we are Adults do what you want. And don't worry about them.

djharris01 · April 2015

The only suggestions I gave were over the food and theme

we are doing a breakfast theme and there were just certain things I really would like

malamaza · April 2015

They don't sound like the type of people that I would want planning my shower. So you have any friends or anyone else that would be able to throw you one? I don't see what the problem is in you sharing ideas and things you like, especially since you are not very close so they probably don't know you too well. I would rather throw my own then have someone talking behind my back and who knows, probably throwing it in your face later about how they threw you a shower... I live outside of the U.S. So my views might be different but I just cannot understand why throwing your own shower would be considered 'gift grabby' .. I mean most of the people you will invite will either be close family or friends who's showers you have or will go to at some point probably so they will get gifts from you too...

CaliforniaDream87 · April 2015

I agree with your in laws. You shouldn't be planning your own shower. Also, while your host usually try to cater to the desires of the MTB they don't HAVE to do what you say in regards to your wants since they usually are the ones to finance.

It sucks that they are talking bad about you. They should come to you and discuss the frustration they have with what you're expecting (and rightfully so IMO).

djharris01 · April 2015

@malamaza that is exactly why I was giving suggestions because they don't really know me at all. I would have gladly let them plan it all if they just would have said we want to plan it all and surprise you! But they told everyone but me, how was I supposed to know they didn't like it? I'm 22 and never been apart of a shower before lol I don't know the rules

SantistevanMommie · April 2015

I told my mom and Step mom where I wanted it when I wanted it and added them both to my Pinterest board for baby shower ideas. I dont think it's considered planning your own shower if you throw out ideas. If it is then that's a shame because I have ideas for it and I'm gonna tell them what they are. To me I don't care if I have a shower or not but my family and my finances family wants one for me so basically that's why one is going on. Also your SILs shouldn't talk smack about you behind your back and your FIL definitely shouldn't have called your husband asking what's wrong with you. That's disrespectful and plain out rude.

djharris01 · April 2015

@CaliforniaDream87 I agree. I don't expect them to do everything I say, and if they want to plan it all, I am totally okay with that. I honestly didn't know it was considered rude or that they thought it was rude or I never would have been telling them ideas. I just wanted to help them and was coming from a good place. I just don't feel like they were because they never came and told me their frustration. It doesn't feel good to be talked about

djharris01 · April 2015

I thought it was really rude too. Put aside the fact that they are throwing me a shower, they are my family and aren't supposed to act that why or talk about someone. I mean I am pregnant and hormonal lol it hurts to hear. There are easy ways for them to let me know they don't want me to help without hurting feelings @SantistevanMommie my sisters are throwing me one and wanted my ideas on everything!!

j&gmiller2015 · April 2015

I almost thought I was reading about my own in-laws when I read this post. My rule when someone else is throwing me a party...let them handle everything. They will ask you questions if they need help with something. It might not be exactly how I would have planned it, but THEY are throwing ME the party. When I plan a party for someone, I expect to do all the work and the person I'm throwing it for is the guest. Their only job is to show up and be happy. I expect the same from someone who is giving me a party. And really, at this point in my pregnancy, I'm too tired and scatter brained to be putting a party together; I happily give my family that responsibility! I know it's hard now that your family has made a big deal out of it, but just try to let them do all the work and be happy and gracious when it's all over. No need to have extra stress right now. They've been bitches yeah, but just let it go.

djharris01 · April 2015

I totally agree. I just need to let it go and have them plan it!! I guess I just want them to understand I never meant to be rude! Lol
But I would feel so much better right now if I just ignored what they've said and just let them plan it.

Miz_Liz · April 2015

djharris01 said:
I totally agree. I just need to let it go and have them plan it!! I guess I just want them to understand I never meant to be rude! Lol
But I would feel so much better right now if I just ignored what they've said and just let them plan it.

First, I am glad to see that you actually HEAR what people are telling you on here, too often I think people ask for advice on these types of things and then get pissed off because it isn't what they wanted to hear when they get honest opinions. Second, if you want them to understand you did not mean to be rude, give them a call or send them a text and say, "I am sorry if I have come across as pushy or rude with the shower, I never meant to be, I simply thought it may help you gals out if you knew the types of things I liked for a shower. That being said, I am grateful that you are planning my shower for me and I will back off. If you need any help though, or are unsure if I would like something and want my opinion, let me know." Then do just that, back off

jemholo · April 2015

If your sisters are also throwing you a shower, why are your sister in laws also throwing you one (and why were you planning your own to begin with?)?!? I'm completely confused by this. You don't need 2 showers, so if they aren't interested in planning you should just tell them thanks, but your sisters already have it covered.

If you feel for some reason that you need 2, then you definitely should not be planning your own or paying for it, that is extremely rude and gift grabby. You've give your input, now you should just sit back and let them do their thing, and the only further word on the subject from you should be an effusive thank you. I agree completely with everything MsLiz said about how to smooth things over and proceed going forward.

djharris01 · April 2015

I am having two showers because my side of the family lives 4 hours away and my friends and his family live where I live. I started planning my own shower for where I currently live ( for co workers, friends, my husbands family ) because no one in his family had offered to throw me one. By the time his mother told them to throw me one I had a lot of ideas and a theme. So when my sister in law texted me and said she would help out I just thought it was okay to pass my ideas a long. That is why I'm having two and was planning one at first. It totally agree that if they want to plan it, I should back off. But seeing that I didn't know that it was rude to give ideas or suggestions I didn't realize they were so upset about

I plan on telling them how I felt and how I didn't mean to upset them and tell them I am grateful for the shower! I also want to tell them just to always be upfront with me because I never want to be doing something they don't like but can't correct it if they don't tell me about it. @jemholo

jemholo · April 2015

djharris01 said:
I am having two showers because my side of the family lives 4 hours away and my friends and his family live where I live. I started planning my own shower for where I currently live ( for co workers, friends, my husbands family ) because no one in his family had offered to throw me one. By the time his mother told them to throw me one I had a lot of ideas and a theme. So when my sister in law texted me and said she would help out I just thought it was okay to pass my ideas a long. That is why I'm having two and was planning one at first. It totally agree that if they want to plan it, I should back off. But seeing that I didn't know that it was rude to give ideas or suggestions I didn't realize they were so upset about I plan on telling them how I felt and how I didn't mean to upset them and tell them I am grateful for the shower! I also want to tell them just to always be upfront with me because I never want to be doing something they don't like but can't correct it if they don't tell me about it. @jemholo

I see. I think in this situation I still would have just gone with one shower (the one that your sisters are throwing), and you could invite the local people if they want to come. If no one local wants to throw you a local shower, you just don't get a local shower (you don't throw your own instead). Now that you're in this mess, I would probably have a conversation with them where you a) give them an out and say they don't have to plan a shower if they truly don't want to, and b) tell them how grateful you are if they do want to, apologize for your prior behavior that you didn't appreciate would come off so rudely, and pledge to butt out going forward.

laurena612 · April 2015

Pfft I would tell them not to bother and do it myself if I was you! I don't think it's ungrateful at all to suggest things you would like, the idea is its for you and your baby not anybody else so whats the problem with you suggesting things you might like? If they were making it seem like they are having to do it I would save them the trouble! You want to remember your shower fondly not like this. I don't think your rude at all! X

morethancottoncandy2 · April 2015

jemholo said:

djharris01 said:
I am having two showers because my side of the family lives 4 hours away and my friends and his family live where I live. I started planning my own shower for where I currently live ( for co workers, friends, my husbands family ) because no one in his family had offered to throw me one. By the time his mother told them to throw me one I had a lot of ideas and a theme. So when my sister in law texted me and said she would help out I just thought it was okay to pass my ideas a long. That is why I'm having two and was planning one at first. It totally agree that if they want to plan it, I should back off. But seeing that I didn't know that it was rude to give ideas or suggestions I didn't realize they were so upset about I plan on telling them how I felt and how I didn't mean to upset them and tell them I am grateful for the shower! I also want to tell them just to always be upfront with me because I never want to be doing something they don't like but can't correct it if they don't tell me about it. @jemholo
I see. I think in this situation I still would have just gone with one shower (the one that your sisters are throwing), and you could invite the local people if they want to come. If no one local wants to throw you a local shower, you just don't get a local shower (you don't throw your own instead). Now that you're in this mess, I would probably have a conversation with them where you a) give them an out and say they don't have to plan a shower if they truly don't want to, and b) tell them how grateful you are if they do want to, apologize for your prior behavior that you didn't appreciate would come off so rudely, and pledge to butt out going forward.

This. You were way in the wrong to start planning a shower on your own behalf. Try and smooth things over as much as possible by apologizing, etc.

SantistevanMommie · April 2015

Guys back off a little she's already expressed that she was in the wrong and is going to apologize. And who cares if she has two! I was supposed to have two because my FIL wanted to do one with his coworkers and I didn't want my family there at that one because I would be overwhelmed and didn't need them vibing off me because I've never met those people. Not everyone wants to drive 4 hrs for a baby shower cause guess what that's 4hrs there and 4hrs back so have two and don't worry about everyone else darlin do you and apologize like you had planned

charlotte90 · April 2015

SantistevanMommie said:
Guys back off a little she's already expressed that she was in the wrong and is going to apologize. And who cares if she has two! I was supposed to have two because my FIL wanted to do one with his coworkers and I didn't want my family there at that one because I would be overwhelmed and didn't need them vibing off me because I've never met those people. Not everyone wants to drive 4 hrs for a baby shower cause guess what that's 4hrs there and 4hrs back so have two and don't worry about everyone else darlin do you and apologize like you had planned

Thanks you! I completely agree. The in-laws are being really rude about the whole situation, and need to chill a bit.

jemholo · April 2015

SantistevanMommie said:
Guys back off a little she's already expressed that she was in the wrong and is going to apologize. And who cares if she has two! I was supposed to have two because my FIL wanted to do one with his coworkers and I didn't want my family there at that one because I would be overwhelmed and didn't need them vibing off me because I've never met those people. Not everyone wants to drive 4 hrs for a baby shower cause guess what that's 4hrs there and 4hrs back so have two and don't worry about everyone else darlin do you and apologize like you had planned

I didn't say that it's rude to have 2. I just asked why on earth you'd consider throwing yourself a shower if someone else is already throwing you one. Lots of people have 2 hosts who want to throw them 2 showers. That's fine. My question was based on the idea that it's ALREADY entitled and gift grabby to throw your own shower in any circumstances, but to throw yourself a shower when someone else is already throwing you one is even worse.

SantistevanMommie · April 2015

But she was doing it for family and friends that were where she lived because before her MIL had said anything no one was going to. I get that it looks tacky but she was trying to include her husbands family.

djharris01 · April 2015

I guess I didn't even think about it looking gift grabby by my husband and I throwing a shower for my friends and co workers. I had a lot of friends express they wanted me to have one but couldn't make the drive so we made the decision to plan one for our friends and his family even so they don't have to travel. It was never meant to come off gift grabby but better for people apart of our lives. I'm grateful though now that my in laws would like to take over and plan it. @jemholo

stow2009 · April 2015

djharris01 said:
I guess I didn't even think about it looking gift grabby by my husband and I throwing a shower for my friends and co workers. I had a lot of friends express they wanted me to have one but couldn't make the drive so we made the decision to plan one for our friends and his family even so they don't have to travel. It was never meant to come off gift grabby but better for people apart of our lives. I'm grateful though now that my in laws would like to take over and plan it. @jemholo

Don't worry, it's not gift-grabby. At least I wouldn't think so as an invited guest. If you register, you are inherently asking someone to buy you gifts and that is expected and normal. You will have people asking you where you registered anyhow, why not let them come to a hosted party and watch you open them? it doesn't matter who hosts it. Showers are not always hosted by someone else, as circumstances dictate. Although, as more people ask you may have someone offer. There's still time

jemholo · April 2015

stow2009 said:

djharris01 said:
I guess I didn't even think about it looking gift grabby by my husband and I throwing a shower for my friends and co workers. I had a lot of friends express they wanted me to have one but couldn't make the drive so we made the decision to plan one for our friends and his family even so they don't have to travel. It was never meant to come off gift grabby but better for people apart of our lives. I'm grateful though now that my in laws would like to take over and plan it. @jemholo
Don't worry, it's not gift-grabby. At least I wouldn't think so as an invited guest. If you register, you are inherently asking someone to buy you gifts and that is expected and normal. You will have people asking you where you registered anyhow, why not let them come to a hosted party and watch you open them? it doesn't matter who hosts it. Showers are not always hosted by someone else, as circumstances dictate. Although, as more people ask you may have someone offer. There's still time

It is absolutely gift grabby. The purpose of a shower is to "shower" the honoree with gifts. When you throw your own shower, you are basically saying "I'm inviting you all to buy me presents." Please explain to me what part of that is not gift grabby!?!

Having a registry and throwing yourself a shower are not even remotely the same thing. If people seek you out and ask about your registry, they've already expressed an intention to buy you a gift. Throwing yourself a shower is essentially asking your guest list to get you something when they've potentially expressed no interest in doing so.

OP - I get that you didn't get the etiquette here. It sounds like you didn't understand the etiquette all around. I'd suggest a quick google next time, as you would have found the answers to the questions in 5 minutes. But, what's done is done at this point and all you can do is apologize and try to repair the damage.

ginger8484 · April 2015

I thought I was supposed to make the shower lol then my mother in law said ; you know your not suppose to plan the shower, but the host , which was her. Lol I made my list and what I would like such as balloons and food etc . Whatever she does and whomever helps can do whatever. I just want grass fed beef and cupcakes lol

Snooches07 · April 2015

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm hit or miss with my in laws, it depends on the day. Sometimes you are going to be in a no win situation, and it seems like this is one of those times. No matter how you apologize or come off you will be wrong in their eyes. It's just how the choose to treat you, it has nothing to do with who you really are.

With that said, who cares if you were throwing your own shower. I find it funny that in this day and age, people still talk about shower traditions and that it's "gift grabby" to throw your own shower when rights have been passed for same sex marriages! It's 2015 for Pete's sake! Do what you want and be happy about it!!

morethancottoncandy2 · April 2015

ginger8484 said:
I thought I was supposed to make the shower lol then my mother in law said ; you know your not suppose to plan the shower, but the host , which was her. Lol I made my list and what I would like such as balloons and food etc . Whatever she does and whomever helps can do whatever. I just want grass fed beef and cupcakes lol

FWIW, demanding grass-fed beef and cupcakes is pretty rude. Let your MIL plan the party.

SantistevanMommie · April 2015

morethancottoncandy2 said:

ginger8484 said:
I thought I was supposed to make the shower lol then my mother in law said ; you know your not suppose to plan the shower, but the host , which was her. Lol I made my list and what I would like such as balloons and food etc . Whatever she does and whomever helps can do whatever. I just want grass fed beef and cupcakes lol
FWIW, demanding grass-fed beef and cupcakes is pretty rude. Let your MIL plan the party.

It's not rude. Maybe it's a way of life that she only eats grass fed beef. I demanded that my shower be at a park on a specific day and everything has to be pink or purple.

Blairbear28 · April 2015

Nothing wrong with knowing what you want and suggesting things based on your ideas, especially when you offered to split the cost. Just let them know it is clearly more trouble for them then it is worth and plan your own.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Snooches07 said:
With that said, who cares if you were throwing your own shower. I find it funny that in this day and age, people still talk about shower traditions and that it's "gift grabby" to throw your own shower when rights have been passed for same sex marriages! It's 2015 for Pete's sake! Do what you want and be happy about it!!

I don't understand your logic here. How does same sex marriage relate to making hosting your own shower less gift grabby? Or is that your way of saying that because the world has accepted same sex marriage, they'll accept anything? I just thought this whole line of reasoning was odd.

Obviously her in laws cared that she was hosting her own shower. She represents their family now and they clearly minded that she was making their family look bad by breaking etiquette and thus they offered to host for her. I think she's smart to apologize and back off and allow them to host.

Snooches07 · April 2015

@GirlOnTheBeach

I was just pointing out that it's a new day and age and people should be more accepting of times changing. I know it was an odd reference bringing in same sex marriages, just really saying, do what you want. If someone wants to host a shower, sprinkle, blessing, BBQ, whatever to celebrate and get together with loved ones for a new life coming into this world then what's the big deal?

She said her sister in law said she would help, not host, unless I got that wrong. I guess I just sympathize with her because my in laws are not the best and I am always made out to be the bad guy. And sometimes people like that go out if their way to make sure you are uncomfortable and don't enjoy yourself. Everyone's situation is different. I agree with apologizing and stepping back from it but sometimes that's just not good enough for some people. Ya know?

ashbash1012 · April 2015

Plan your own. Tell them never mind. I planned my own with my daughter and I didn't have to worry about anyone doing things I didn't like because I did it myself. Anyone who is offended for throwing your own shower shouldn't come. Simply put.

GirlOnTheBeach · April 2015

Snooches07 said:
@GirlOnTheBeach

I was just pointing out that it's a new day and age and people should be more accepting of times changing. I know it was an odd reference bringing in same sex marriages, just really saying, do what you want. If someone wants to host a shower, sprinkle, blessing, BBQ, whatever to celebrate and get together with loved ones for a new life coming into this world then what's the big deal?

She said her sister in law said she would help, not host, unless I got that wrong. I guess I just sympathize with her because my in laws are not the best and I am always made out to be the bad guy. And sometimes people like that go out if their way to make sure you are uncomfortable and don't enjoy yourself. Everyone's situation is different. I agree with apologizing and stepping back from it but sometimes that's just not good enough for some people. Ya know?

I get that times are changing but manners shouldn't. Throwing your own shower demonstrates a sense of entitlement that still bothers people. It's gift grabby and the truth is, people will probably bite their tongues and come to a self hosted shower, but it won't change the fact that they will talk about it or at least think it's improper. Her family recognizes this and it's nice that they want to help her save face and not make that mistake. Granted, they could have talked to her about it in a better way but a shower is a gift, it's rude to tell people how to throw your shower, just like it's rude to get picky about a gift from someone or even asking for a gift and then telling them exactly what you want and how you want it. Just accept what they do and be gracious. Times have changed a lot, but the quality of being gracious is timeless and seems to be getting lost in this "you do you" kind of society we are turning into.

djharris01 · April 2015

My family didn't tell me they didn't want my help with the shower because it was gift grabby or to save my face or whatever, they just wanted to plan it themselves and not have input from me. It had nothing to do with what people thought ... They just wanted it planned their way since they were planning it which I understand! @GirlOnTheBeach

KristinaD217 · April 2015

I'm confused, why is it so bad to throw your own shower? I was always under the impression that it was just a celebration. Every one I had been to, the invite said gifts not required. I have never felt the obligation to bring gifts or to have others bring me gifts. Perhaps it's the way I was raised? Call me incompetent if you will, but I don't see the stigma?

morethancottoncandy2 · April 2015

ashbash1012 said:
Plan your own. Tell them never mind. I planned my own with my daughter and I didn't have to worry about anyone doing things I didn't like because I did it myself. Anyone who is offended for throwing your own shower shouldn't come. Simply put.

Yeah, God forbid someone spend a lot of money and time on you planning a party in your honor and do something you don't like.

Whatever happened to being gracious and grateful?

Want a personalized experience?

In-laws being ridiculous!

Re: In-laws being ridiculous!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards