April 2014 Moms

My life has fallen apart

To summarise the shitness, I found naked photos on an email my husband sent to another MAN. 3 emails that were sent over the course of 2 days last week. Two days that I was away from home for work. My very first night away from DD ever.

We've been together for 7 years. We never argue about big things. We are the type of couple that other couples describe as rock solid. He has never been a typical "blokey bloke" (that's manly man for you Anericans). He's softly spoken and always acted like a very old fashioned gentleman.

I confronted him about the photos and he admitted it straight away but couldn't stop crying saying it was a mistake and he regretted it as soon as he sent them and it made him realise that he definitely don't want to lose me or DD etc. he swears he never met this man or any others.

I just don't know what to do. I keep crying. I had a panic attack at work yesterday and got sent home. He keeps crying and begging me to try and forgive him.

This is all just so out of the blue I can't get my head round it.

Re: My life has fallen apart

  • I'm so sorry. As someone who has been cheated on I understand the different emotions you must be feeling.

    The fact that he owned up to it right away and didn't try to place blame on anyone else is a very good sign. I know it's hard to see it that way right now. If he's being honest and not defensive it means he's capable of talking about everything with you when and if you're ready.

    Remember, whatever you choose to do is ok. It's your choice, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it if you are confidant. I will say that I know first hand that recovering from this type of behavior (and worse) is very hard, but totally possible. A relationship can be repaired, but it takes time and both of you have to be dedicated. Don't be afraid to ask for whatever you need, be that councleing, time apart, talking, time away, etc.

    I wish I was there to give you a hug. I've been there, all alone and overwhelmed, crying with no one to confide in. My heart goes out to you. You are stronger than you know, and at the end of all this, come what may. you will realize that
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  • I'm so sorry! I have no real advice but wish I could give you a really big hug. Stay strong, have confidence in your decisions, and don't forget to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
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  • Take the baby and get away for a few days if you can. Everything makes more sense when you have time to think. Can you go anywhere or stay with anyone you can share this with? You shouldn't be alone now, get support! All the best Mama! 
  • Sorry you're going through that. I think counseling would be a good step. Also, I would be concerned that he sent the pictures to a man- is he sexually attracted to men and women? Or more so to men? He needs to do some soul-searching, I think, to figure out what he really wants and needs.

    Hugs to you. What a difficult spot he put your family in. :-(

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  • So sorry. Hugs and prayers for you, and your DH.
  • Wow I am so so sorry. This is such a huge fear of mine. I have been cheated on a relationships can be repaired but it does take lots of work. The whole thing that he sent photos to another man would make me really unravel because not only did he "cheat" but your wondering if he is also into the same sex. I am so overwelmingly sorry. Prayers for you.
  • I am so very sorry. YGPM.
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  • I'm so sorry. I think counseling is a good idea if not for both of you then a place to help you sort out all of your feelings.
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, but these ladies have offered great advice. >:D< Here's a big hug.
  • Thanks for all the advice ladies. I don't have anyone I can tell about this. My mum was cheated on by my dad and it was partly what led to her manic depression and if she found out that my DH had done this she'd never be able to get past it. And if I told any of my friends I'd just be so humiliated especially if we did decide to try and work things out.

    I can't go and stay anywhere because ridiculous as it sounds, I rely on him for childcare. He is a stay at home dad whilst I work and without him I wouldn't be able to work and as a teacher I can't take any time off. So if we did break up is probably have to either give up work to look after her and live on benefits or if have to give him custody and pay him child maintenance payments or something.

    I just feel like he's ruined everything I had and it would never be the same again. I so just want to "unsee" this and pretend I don't know about it so I can go back to blissful ignorance.
  • I'm so sorry @BeckyF82.  I have nothing to add but I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you!
  • Id just like to ask for some clarification. Did he actually have sex with someone else? Has he ever had inclinations toward men in the past? I am bisexual myself and while I do not at all condone what he has done, I may be able to shed some light on his behavior. Lessening the confusion can help make this a little less terrifying so you can start sorting the mess out!

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  • ScotchAggieScotchAggie member
    edited March 2015
    i am so sorry this happened to you, especially given the timing it occurred with your LO. I will let you know I have been through a very very similar experience. My question to you is what was your first inclination - how do we go from here, or what am I going to do without him? If it was the first, you may have a good chance of getting through this, IMO. It will be hard. I went to see the Disney movie WallE and when I got home I cried. I cried because for the first time in over a month, I went more than one hour without thinking about what they did, to me, to us. Five months later they "jokingly" pulled a prank that involved lying to my face and I went OFF in the middle of a restaurant on them. I told them they had lost the right of ever EVER doing anything like that bc now I couldn't trust anything they said now. It was four years before I was able to get through the anniversary of the day I found out about it without really noticing it.

    I think a few things helped us. One, the willingness and drive to persevere. Two, we got down to why he did what he did, and we made some changes. Three, he had to give me access to everything - passwords to all his email accounts, websites, you name it. Did he just make a secret one? Maybe. I searched everything I could for him. If you are horribly concerned, hire a PI with a background in cyber investigations and have them do a check around.

    I wish you the best. Just keep in mind, you are not alone, and it is okay to feel sad or mad or both right now. Good luck.
  • Id just like to ask for some clarification. Did he actually have sex with someone else? Has he ever had inclinations toward men in the past? I am bisexual myself and while I do not at all condone what he has done, I may be able to shed some light on his behavior. Lessening the confusion can help make this a little less terrifying so you can start sorting the mess out!

    Thank you for letting us all know. Shed the light! 8->
  • This is so sad. I don't know what to say. I pray that you can figure this out. No matter what the outcome is I think Councling for both of you individually and together will be beneficial.
  • Thanks everyone. I just love him so much and he is my best friend and I'm really close to all his family so to lose him would be truly devestating. I'm so livid that he's done this though. We were only talking the other day about trying for another baby in a month or two and now I don't know when I'll be ready to do that so i feel like he's taking that away from me too because I'm not getting any younger.

    At the moment we are just trying to carry on as normal but I'm finding it hard to do normal things like arrange family dinners or go shopping because I feel like I'm going to have to put on a brave face and "pretend" that everything is ok.
  • @BeckyF82 everything you are saying sounds so familiar. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to
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  • Vinny424 said:

    Id just like to ask for some clarification. Did he actually have sex with someone else? Has he ever had inclinations toward men in the past? I am bisexual myself and while I do not at all condone what he has done, I may be able to shed some light on his behavior. Lessening the confusion can help make this a little less terrifying so you can start sorting the mess out!

    Thank you for letting us all know. Shed the light! 8->
    Smartass. If you are looking for lurid, sordid details, you are out of luck. If you are looking for insight into what it is like to feel you may be attracted to the same sex but being constrained by family and society, then I can help. It sounds to me like the latter is what is happening here.
    Bravely soldiering on and pretending nothing happened is EXACTLY the wrong way to go about this! If he is feeling attraction to the same sex with no way to confirm it then this will only cause problems down the road if it isn't addressed. There are ways this can be addressed through counseling without him having to stray outside of the marriage. Would you be comfortable if he was attracted to both sexes as long as it was you he loved and chose to be with?

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  • So sorry!! I have no advice >:D<
  • Vinny424 said:

    Id just like to ask for some clarification. Did he actually have sex with someone else? Has he ever had inclinations toward men in the past? I am bisexual myself and while I do not at all condone what he has done, I may be able to shed some light on his behavior. Lessening the confusion can help make this a little less terrifying so you can start sorting the mess out!

    Thank you for letting us all know. Shed the light! 8->
    Smartass. If you are looking for lurid, sordid details, you are out of luck. If you are looking for insight into what it is like to feel you may be attracted to the same sex but being constrained by family and society, then I can help. It sounds to me like the latter is what is happening here.
    Bravely soldiering on and pretending nothing happened is EXACTLY the wrong way to go about this! If he is feeling attraction to the same sex with no way to confirm it then this will only cause problems down the road if it isn't addressed. There are ways this can be addressed through counseling without him having to stray outside of the marriage. Would you be comfortable if he was attracted to both sexes as long as it was you he loved and chose to be with?
    Don't worry not looking for any details. I just don't think your two cents help the matter much. But your Psa was appreciated I'm sure.
  • BADASBKRCKBADASBKRCK member
    edited March 2015

    Because snarky comments on a very serious thread are much more helpful.

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  • @BADASBKRCK I have a real question/curiosity. You said you are bisexual, but then your comment read as though you feel as though this is a gay man who feels pressured by society/family to be in a straight relationship. Do you feel that is the common situation for people who identify as bisexual, or do you feel it is more common for some individuals to be genuinely attracted to both sexes?
  • mammasuzelovmammasuzelov member
    edited April 2015
    I have no life experience here but I think counseling as a couple and just for you is a great idea.

    Edit to say: good luck. I hope you find happiness again.
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  • JWest07 said:

    @BADASBKRCK I have a real question/curiosity. You said you are bisexual, but then your comment read as though you feel as though this is a gay man who feels pressured by society/family to be in a straight relationship. Do you feel that is the common situation for people who identify as bisexual, or do you feel it is more common for some individuals to be genuinely attracted to both sexes?

    Firstly, I hope this doesn't offend anyone, especially not beckyf82. I could be completely wrong since I don't know all the details, but am making an educated guess based on my own and others' experience.
    I didn't mean necessarily to imply that he is gay... Only that it sounds as if he may be feeling confusion about his feelings toward the same sex ...which could mean gay, bisexual or perfectly straight. A lot of people experience this to a smaller degree earlier on and try something like a simple flirtation and find out that they really aren't attracted to the same sex...or they confirm they are. If you are a little older and in a solid heterosexual relationship when this confusion and need to explore hits, then it can create issues because you really can't find a safe and easy way to confirm your attractions. Being uncertain about your sexual identity can really fu*k shit up! Counseling becomes a good way to help in this situation.

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  • Thanks for all the advice everyone. He has seemed genuinely remorseful. He keeps saying that it was just something that was spur of the moment based on curiosity but when it happened he realised he definitely didn't have any gay feelings. I have no idea how/if to believe this. He swears it was just the two emails, to one guy he met online but that he never met up with him (or anyone else). He's been begging forgiveness, crying, and talking about it with me.

    Unfortunately counselling is out of the question for us at the moment. We looked it up and there are only a few marriage counsellors in our area, all of whom charge at least £40 a session because it's based on our salary which is high on paper even though it isn't high in reality. We just can't afford that (he's a stay at home dad and we're on one salary paying off debt). We have agreed to just see how it goes for a while. X
  • @BeckyF82 thanks for updating us. I'm still thinking of you. Stay strong.
  • It may still be worth it to contact the counselors. Sometimes they can lower the fee if you explain your situation.
  • There are a surprising amount of books on getting through cheating/tough situations like this. At B&N, they are in the relationship section. I highly highly suggest getting a couple, and reading them together.
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