DH wants to stop ttc-UPDATE!

mrsespigreen · April 2015

so I had a discussion with the DH yesterday about ttc. we were npnt since June but only really been ttc since February. Now however DH wants to stop trying after this month till next year saying "Guess it wasn't meant to be lets try next year". Kind of got in a fight since I wanted to try for at least a full year (till this June) before taking a break, but he doesn't want to anymore. idk if his family, who doesn't know we are ttc, said something else this past Easter when we visited. They are always saying things like "so happy that they are not grandparents!" (who does that btw!). Now super discourage and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So I don't know whats going on with him if it was his parents or if he's getting frustrated with the bfn or maybe school/work?

thoughts?

have anyone else been at it for a while and decided to stop?

PugsandKisses · April 2015

I am sorry that you are going through this but if your DH is not on board then you guys have to hold off TTC for now.

Wait a few weeks and then talk to him again.

Will he be happy with NTNP?

27alex · April 2015

Ugh I'm so so sorry that you're going through this.

I have been there...we are heading into year 3, more than 2 of which were back and forth and and NTNP. Turns out he just had a ton of fears from his relationship with his dad. We started hanging out more with our friends with kids and he slowly came around.

I do agree with @PugsandKisses that you have to respect his feelings. When I finally stopped talking about it, that's when I really saw the change.

Good luck!

mrsespigreen · April 2015

nope

wants to use protection from now on

which I am like, not going back on BCP so you can go get condoms lol.

I think I will wait a few more weeks and bring it up again. It seems very strange since just last week he was saying how he is so ready to be a dad and doesn't matter what sex the baby is as long as we conceive and everything goes wells. thats why I think something happened over easter break with his family and he doesn't want to talk about it?

idk...

well I guess I can focus on temping and making sure I get a hang of it before we start up again. And AF haven't showed up neither. did get a bfn today though.

mrsespigreen · April 2015

also @27alex how did you get him to open up? did you let it go and have him talk to you about it? See even though I've been with DH for over 5 years now its a real toss up with trying to get him to open up. sometimes letting it go and having him bring it up works, other times I need to ease him into the issue at hand.

VesperLove · April 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this, but also remember that if you're temping consistently, you can use that as a method of birth control. Pay attention to your temps/cycle and use protection (condoms) only during your fertile week - or avoid sex during that week. You don't have to go back on BC. I'm never going on the pill again!

mrsespigreen · April 2015

kyleneum13 said:
I'm sorry you're going through this, but also remember that if you're temping consistently, you can use that as a method of birth control. Pay attention to your temps/cycle and use protection (condoms) only during your fertile week - or avoid sex during that week. You don't have to go back on BC. I'm never going on the pill again!

see I read that in TCOYF and was like "heck yea!" but I'm sure if I mention it to the DH he will be like "are you trying to trick me in getting pregnant?"

concreteayngel · April 2015

Ugh that's rough! I don't even know what I'd do if DH tried to put the brakes on the baby train. The other PPs are probably right in giving him some time. Something probably spooked him, and hopefully he'll come around again.
If it was the BFN anxiety that is bothering him, when you guys do start trying again, I would maybe suggest keeping the details to yourself. A lot of men can't operate under the pressure of O dates and whatnot. Try and take as much pressure off him as you can. And definitely expose him to as many friends with kids as you can. Good luck!

missteacherlady16 · April 2015

mrsespigreen said:

kyleneum13 said:
I'm sorry you're going through this, but also remember that if you're temping consistently, you can use that as a method of birth control. Pay attention to your temps/cycle and use protection (condoms) only during your fertile week - or avoid sex during that week. You don't have to go back on BC. I'm never going on the pill again!
see I read that in TCOYF and was like "heck yea!" but I'm sure if I mention it to the DH he will be like "are you trying to trick me in getting pregnant?"

This would be my DH's reaction too if we were in the same boat. It's funny but it's not

I'm sorry you have to go through this right now - I can only imagine how frustrating that is. But as PPs have said, you have to give him time. You can't force him into doing it because it could spell disaster for your relationship and that's what you need to take care of right now. Sending you creepy internet hugs!

mrsespigreen · April 2015

Thanks for the creepy Internet hug!
And for the advice/letting me vent
I had no one else to talk to about this except my mom but knowing her she'll say something directly to DH.

MagicMikki · April 2015

My DH has mentioned a few times that he wishes I would just "end up" pregnant so there was not thinking or stressing about it. At first (that is, the first year...) he would get cold feet about it occasionally and want it to just happen without having to think about it or try for it, like a surprise. But, TTC turned out to be much more difficult for us, and it's been two years. At this point, he occasionally is in the same boat as your DH because it becomes work rather than fun and exciting.

Hopefully he will choose to open up to you about it a little more. It had to be incredibly frustrating to think that you're on the same page and all of the sudden, he wants to back out. It almost feels like a betrayal in a way!

Anyway, good luck with your DH.

27alex · April 2015

mrsespigreen said:
also @27alex how did you get him to open up? did you let it go and have him talk to you about it? See even though I've been with DH for over 5 years now its a real toss up with trying to get him to open up. sometimes letting it go and having him bring it up works, other times I need to ease him into the issue at hand.

We watched the Great Sperm Race one weekend, that really helped him understand my stress. And we are mid twenties and have really great friends with a few couples in their 40s who have grown kids. They had a guys night and he came back with a whole different attitude. That was July (I think) and he's been consistent since.

He's not on board with the RE yet. I just think sometimes they need time to process things.

ecmb · April 2015

I'm so sorry.

I haven't been through this specific situation but I do understand having a spouse who doesn't open up as easily about certain subjects. I agree with letting it go for now, giving him some time and space to think about what he really wants. Bc if someone did say something to him that cast doubts he just needs to process it and come to terms with how he feels about everything.

Hopefully he'll come back to you in a few weeks and say you know what- I do want this.

Again, sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure it's rough.

mrskal · April 2015

Hi, this is my second month of ttc, and I got super upset when aF arrived, my dh was more upset and said the same, sometimes it's difficult for men to understand that it takes time, I tried reverse psychology on him, told him he was right and that we should not try,
The very next day I bought a big size packet of condoms and placed it in his bedside drawer, we had sex with condoms that night, he was maybe thinking over it and in less than a week he is okay with ntnp,

I didn't talk much about it, and said lets see how it goes, what I can imagine hAppened- maybe he got upset( I do, so he has full right to get upset too, it's only human) about aF, maybe he was not into all the sleepless nights ahead(cold feet), maybe someone said something at work or between the guy talk, u don't know, and somehow I am okay with not knowing, he ll open up when he wants to.

I am not on tb, read TCOYF or temp in front of him, even if it takes longer not knowing the exact ovulation date, I am okay with it. Our relationship is more important than ttc right now, I was even open to few months of not ttc initially, I think he just cannot take the stress.

Hope your rough patch ends soon.

mrsespigreen · April 2015

So this weekend I manage to get the DH to watch the great sperm race and got to talking and it turns out that he was worried that his swimmers aren't swimming and that it is his fault that we haven't gotten our bfp. Turns out he had some medical issues concerning the family jewels(he didn't explain what...) and even though the doctors said he should be able to have children he though he wouldn't be able. He felt a LOT better after watching the sperm race. He also works in a lab so I manage to convince him to look at his swimmers under the microscope if its such a big concern for him. Which we did and it was actually really cool! and they were swimming! He just about broke down when he saw them swimming.

However we both agree that after this cycle we will be on hold for ttc. I will be staring grad school in the fall and figure we can start again in Aug/Sept and go from there.

ecmb · April 2015

@mrsespigreen that sounds like a big relief!

TheBorg7of9 · April 2015

Cool to look at your own sperm.

Fyi, if he is really worried about it, a senen analysis only costs between 90-160 bucks. Maybe when you could just rule out male infertility problems to ease his mind…

ETA: Since you've been trying since June. I wouldn't recommend a semen analysis to anyone who just started and who didn't have a history of injury.

CalebsHabibi · April 2015

See, back in February, my husband didn't want kids at all. We talked about it and this month he was, "let's start trying in May," whereas, I was thinking more January of next year, so kinda put me into shock for a bit. I really think men get spooked and really just need time to think. Idk what to think about your inlaws. How old are you and DH/ them? It seems you have the opposite problem of most people with their inlaws. But it goes to show, it's nobody's business but the couple's when TTC. You really need to talk to your husband. Tell him that you don't want to fight, but just want to talk. Talk about what he's feeling, what you're feeling (not only about TTC but about your relationship too).

mrsespigreen · April 2015

TheBorg7of9 said:
Cool to look at your own sperm.

Fyi, if he is really worried about it, a senen analysis only costs between 90-160 bucks. Maybe when you could just rule out male infertility problems to ease his mind…

ETA: Since you've been trying since June. I wouldn't recommend a semen analysis to anyone who just started and who didn't have a history of injury.

It really was cool to look at sperm! DH works with eggs and sperm all the time (marine biologist) but he said they look different and they were his AND swimming. see in his mind he thought his sperm was dead and will not swim. I think since he saw that they were swimming he's ok now. However I think I would recommend to him when we start up to go get a semen analysis, for more peace of mind then anything else.

mrsespigreen · April 2015

CalebsHabibi said:
See, back in February, my husband didn't want kids at all. We talked about it and this month he was, "let's start trying in May," whereas, I was thinking more January of next year, so kinda put me into shock for a bit. I really think men get spooked and really just need time to think. Idk what to think about your inlaws. How old are you and DH/ them? It seems you have the opposite problem of most people with their inlaws. But it goes to show, it's nobody's business but the couple's when TTC. You really need to talk to your husband. Tell him that you don't want to fight, but just want to talk. Talk about what he's feeling, what you're feeling (not only about TTC but about your relationship too).

DH 24, i'm 23, will be 24. We both wanted to be parents before we are 28 (don't know why 28.. we both agree it was a good age) and wanted to be fairly young parents. his parents are early/mid 50s. I think it's just his parents do not like me and hope we will have a divorce and w/no kids the cut off will be easier. DH gets weird about his family but is seeing how the treat me/us compare to his other siblings and their SO. But yea we will have a lot of discussions from here on out and trying to be more open especially about ttc!

mickcole · April 2015

27alex said:
Ugh I'm so so sorry that you're going through this.

I have been there...we are heading into year 3, more than 2 of which were back and forth and and NTNP. Turns out he just had a ton of fears from his relationship with his dad. We started hanging out more with our friends with kids and he slowly came around.

I do agree with @PugsandKisses that you have to respect his feelings. When I finally stopped talking about it, that's when I really saw the change.

Good luck!

@27alex that's good to hear! That's a big part of a reason I joined TB. DH is my best friend in the whole world, so I automatically want to tell him everything I'm thinking and feeling as it's happening. But even bringing it up was freaking him out and making him feel pressured. I feel like TB has been a good, healthy outlet for me so far. I think the more I can resist bringing it up the easier it will be on him. How long did it take your husband to warm up to it?

@mrsespigreen I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. Hang in there.

angc4 · April 2015

mrsespigreen said:

DH 24, i'm 23, will be 24. We both wanted to be parents before we are 28 (don't know why 28.. we both agree it was a good age) and wanted to be fairly young parents. his parents are early/mid 50s. I think it's just his parents do not like me and hope we will have a divorce and w/no kids the cut off will be easier. DH gets weird about his family but is seeing how the treat me/us compare to his other siblings and their SO. But yea we will have a lot of discussions from here on out and trying to be more open especially about ttc!

Oye, that's a lot of things stacked against you, but sincerely cheers to you for seeking out this support and help and being open to taking the advice. Also congrats on your DH's swimmers! Support, understanding, and communication are so key and it seems like you are on a great path to having this all be a solid foundation for your ttc journey!
Good luck!! And can't wait to hear more about this!

rel1988 · April 2015

When we first started talking about having a baby, DH wanted one more than me. Then 2 of my best friends got pregnant and the idea of "no one will want to hang out with us anymore because we're the only ones with a baby" went out of the window and I felt more more relaxed and at ease. Then I was ready but he started thinking we should wait one more year. The more we talked about it though, he realized the process is pretty long. Who knows how long it will take to conceive. Then once you do, you have another 9-10 months of pregnancy. If we are ready now, we should definitely be ready in a year + from now. That is as ready as you can possibly be having your first child

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