Birthing Plans/ Visitors at Hospital

alidip1 · April 2015

Recently some older women started asking me about the birth plans for our baby, stating how important it is for the grandparents to be present. While I agree and very much want them involved in our child's life, the birth of our child is a very private event.. for my husband and I only. I know I also want a little time (30 min- 1hour) for us to bond with our baby before all of our family takes over the room and we pass her around. I've bern told I am selfish for this.. and that I will deeply offend the grandparents. That it is not right to make them miss out on the first moments of her life. I am 22 wks pregnant and was very upset by the whole conversation of people telling me how 'I HAVE' to do things during and after my birth. I stood my ground knowing that it is mine.. and everyones right to have the birth that they want. I love my family and in laws.. all I want is time to bond with ourbaby... and breastfeed her for the first time without having the extra pressure of people around. My mom is completely understanding of it all... she will be pleased to meet her whenever we are ready and is not offended. My husbands family is much more traditional. I do not know if they will take it so lightly. I want to set the stage for healthy boundaries and proper roles in our child's life from the beginning by making decisions as a parent. Anyone else having these kinds of issues?? If so how did you deal with them before hand so that it doesnt create future tension? I never thought I had to even think about these things.. but i want a positive experience throughout so will do what I can to prepare for these things to make them go smoother!

alidip1 · April 2015

* her delivery not my birth! (;

Lalala2326 · April 2015

Since your mom is perfectly fine with it already, why don't you just have a conversation with your in-laws and see what their thoughts are? You may be worrying yourself over nothing. Just because some older ladies feel that way doesn't mean your in-laws are going to. They may be perfectly understanding. As for only wanting you and your husband in the delivery room and wanting a few minutes to breathe and breastfeed for the first time alone, that is pretty normal (albiet sometimes something families do bicker about). Do what you are most comfortable with. Them missing the first hour of their babies' life is not the end of the world. I had a c-section and wasn't reunited with my own baby till almost an hour after her birth and made family wait about 5 hours to visit. They'll get over it.

mrsgaither · April 2015

I plan on doing the same as you. My husband and I will have our time to bond with our baby before we have to hand him/her to others. I think it is whatever you want and feel comfortable with. I don't think it's selfish to want some time alone at all. Personally, I would just smile and nod at those people and change the subject. It's none of their concern anyway. Best of luck to you!

SantistevanMommie · April 2015

I have chose to do the same, no one is allowed in the room with me and my fiancé during the birth (except my aunt to take pictures of the precious moments) but after the birth no one is allowed in the room for at least an hr. I don't think it's selfish at all. And like you said just stand your ground with them and tell them it's nothing against them it's that you guys are a family now and you guys need that time. They may be upset at first but they will get over it

schup156 · April 2015

With our daughter we had the same plan. The only people in the room during labor and birth of our child were me, my husband, and necessary medical staff. We called my mom when we knew for sure we'd be staying at the hospital (at her request) and told her we'd call again after baby was born. Our family's live about 3 hours away, so this gave us some time to bond with baby just us. I think my mom was a little anxious, but completely respected the decision and my in-laws actually didn't even visit in the hospital and came a few days later when we were home.

I think it's important to stick to what you want and not feel pressured by other people to go against what you believe in. Of course you'll want the grandparents to meet baby, but it certainly doesn't need to be in the first 30 seconds of their life....that's for you and your husband!

benmel31 · April 2015

When we had our daughter, she came 4w early, we didn't even call until after she was born.

This time, we will call, mainly because we will need people watching DD. But we don't want anyone at the hospital until we call to let them know that the baby was born.

No one has had any issues with letting us be the only ones there for the birth and for the first few hours after the birth.

Miz_Liz · April 2015

Screw that old lady, if she wants to dictate how a birth goes, she can get pregnant herself and do it her way! It was just DH and I in the room for the birth of our son (and will be again this time for our DD). We called our parents on the way there and then told them we would call once baby arrived and then they could come. We did call my mom and dad when I was starting to push, because quite frankly, I wanted them there to see the baby first due to in-law issues. It worked out great. Plus the Dr needs time to stitch you, get baby cleaned up and checked out, etc and try BF'ing before anyone comes into the room. Set boundaries and make sure your nurses know what they are. I will do better with that this time, last time when they went to move me they said they were going to bring me to my room and whoever wanted to come could. My mom knew I was exhausted and we wanted alone time so she said goodbye and came back later in the day. MIL lacked that common sense and, "Oh we will come!" UGH are you kidding me?! Never again!

holli0801 · April 2015

You can do what you want! If there are any tough feelings with parents/in laws, they will get over it as soon as they know they have a healthy grandbaby .. Nothinngg else will matter.

My mom will be with us, but that was a choice we made together. One is not better than the other. And frankly, if any other family is offended, I don't care. They will get over it.

It's not worth any stress or guilt!

prairiedreams · April 2015

Basically as all pp said, take time for you your hubby and baby before anyone else.

reis0121 · April 2015

My husband and I will be doing the same thing. My parents can see our baby after we've had time to bond and breastfeed for the first time. His family lives 16 hours away, and will most likely stay with us when they come up, so he plans on asking them to wait a month before coming to visit. I have a feeling that may cause some issues, but they aren't super helpful, and I don't want to have to entertain them while I'm at my most sleep deprived and sore state.

Bottom line is you are the parents, and you get to make the decisions now. Hopefully they will understand.

GDL24 · April 2015

Don't make a big deal out of it and they probably won't either! Just tell them you'll call when you're settled in your room and ready for visitors.

You have 18 more weeks to go, bringing it up now leaves too much time for overthinking and hard feelings. Just my 2 cents!

Saratiff · April 2015

Your birth your choice. When I told my family I was pregnant my step mom, dad and both my sisters said they wanted to be in the delivery room. Ummm no thanks just me and hubby in there. And if we take a half hour to our selves they will be none the wiser. But they will all be in the hospital. I have a big family and so does my husband. All involved. The way I see it we have plenty of time to hold and love her. But I can't imagine going through this without my family.

Savanna111911 · April 2015

You may have said this and I missed it but is your husband on the same page with you? If so that's really all that matters. It is your decision. Typically I would say too it may be easier to let him deal with his side of the family and you deal with yours. You can certainly talk to them about it but if they get really insistant it might be time for him to step in.

dcopeland52 · April 2015

My husband and I are currently having some issues with this. I only want my mom and DH in the room during delivery. But he insist on MIL being there. We don't have that type of relationship and can be extremely judgemental. I'm not comfortable around her so having her in the room during L&D would not be ideal for me. Don't get me wrong I love her but I just don't think she would do anything but annoy me during the process. He says I'm being selfish.

Miz_Liz · April 2015

dcopeland52 said:
My husband and I are currently having some issues with this. I only want my mom and DH in the room during delivery. But he insist on MIL being there. We don't have that type of relationship and can be extremely judgemental. I'm not comfortable around her so having her in the room during L&D would not be ideal for me. Don't get me wrong I love her but I just don't think she would do anything but annoy me during the process. He says I'm being selfish.

Ask him if he wants to drop his pants and sit spread eagle with your mom there....and maybe poop in the process.

ginger8484 · April 2015

I am in the same boat. Actually, I just had the talk with the mother in law and father in law . Had to set boundaries, and they have to get over it because either way they have no choice. This is my first pregnancy and not sure how it will go down. I have a birth plan, but sometimes you go one way and not knowing what can happen , then it can go the other way . My partner and I decided that no one is to visit the hospital unless I want them too, and will send pictures. I need time to recover and if it takes a month ,then so be it because I'm the mama bear

MrsClark7514 · April 2015

We have issues with my MIL she thinks she is going to sit at the hospital till I deliver um No. We have already had a fight the MIL and I about her overstepping boundaries and shopping for baby clothes when I was first pregnant and told her it was too soon and please stop sending me pictures of baby outfits. I was told I am a bitch because I want privacy and she has taken her plight to bashing me on Facebook to my DH.He says it is between her and I. Now I know this is going to get worse the closer we get to her delivery. I plan on sending out an email to close friends and family saying we want time to bond as a family so please respect our privacy we will have plenty of time to share her with family and friends in the coming months.

ginger8484 · April 2015

@mrsclark: I totally understand where you are coming from. Soooo annoying and I will definetly take that suggestion of email blast.

camedowncrushing · April 2015

My in-laws were crazy when I was pregnant with DD1. They kept asking for us to call them as soon as I went in to labor so they could be at the hospital waiting for her to arrive. I for sure didn't want that. So with DD1 and DD2 we didn't call until after they were born. With DD1 I had her late so grandparents came the next day. With DD2 we let them come later that night.

ginger8484 · April 2015

Sounds like my mil.... Had to set boundaries with her.... Sorry but I want to enjoy and recover from this bundle of a blessing:-)

CaliforniaDream87 · April 2015

Saratiff said:
Your birth your choice. When I told my family I was pregnant my step mom, dad and both my sisters said they wanted to be in the delivery room. Ummm no thanks just me and hubby in there. And if we take a half hour to our selves they will be none the wiser. But they will all be in the hospital. I have a big family and so does my husband. All involved. The way I see it we have plenty of time to hold and love her. But I can't imagine going through this without my family.

This is me! I love my in laws and my family and would want nothing more than to have them involved. My mom will be in the room with is-my MIL who is one of my best friends decided she would rather be in the waiting room which is fine.

Your birth, your way.

Starynightsky24 · April 2015

We sent an email to everyone around 37 weeks with DS. It said not to come to the hospital till we ask. We specifically said we wanted bonding time first. Well.. My in laws were furious. They said it was their right to come and they would come if they want to. So, we didn't tell them till after he was born. It worked out nicely because he was born after visiting hours so we got the first night alone.

My mom saw us in recovery. But, that was so different because she was really there to support ME. She didn't even hold DS till the next day, even though I told her she could. None of my in laws knows she was there. Still. Lol.

As PP said, this time we will just call when we are ready. DS will be with my mom... So, I don't have to worry about telling anyone else.

Snooches07 · April 2015

I'm sorry but giving birth is a pretty personal and emotional experience for most women. Especially if this is your first, you don't know what to expect and the last thing you need is to feel eyes on you and hear everyone else chirping in your ear.

My first came 5 weeks early and my MIL was insistent on coming to the hospital to wait. My water was leaking slow, not fast at all. I was pretty uncomfortable and embarrassed with that and I ended up being in labor for 34 hours!! But when my hubby asked if his mom could come see us before I said no and told the nursing staff the only visitor allowed in my room was my husband. They put a sign on my door that read no visitors.

I'm pretty sure MIL was upset because she didn't even come until a day after my daughter was born to visit. Whatever, my baby, my body, my birth, my way!

Not to mention that since my daughter came early, I had about 3 extra staff from the NICU ready to take her after she was born. So it was a little crowded.

laurasuzanne2006 · April 2015

I wouldn't even want family out in the waiting room waiting for me to deliver. No pressure but here we are waiting...

Jenni329 · April 2015

I agree with pretty much all on here. I love my family, even my slightly neurotic mil but I don't want any of them at the hospital at all. I've already asked them all to visit when we get home. UK hospitals aren't really designed for comfort for visitors so everyone has to stand while they are there. I just think that they can all have proper cuddles on a sofa with a nice drink which sounds much better for everyone to me.

aveline8 · April 2015

Had a midwife with my first and was home 5 hours after delivery. My in laws came from out of town the next day (thankfully didn't stay with us) and visited every day for the next 5 days staying for 3-5 hours at a time!! That will not be happening again. You are having the baby YOU decide what you want and can handle visitor-wise, it's not selfish it's necessary. Personally I don't think one hour with just you and your husband is even enough alone time. But my in-laws are pushy and when they were visiting I didn't even get to hold my brand new baby- in fact my FIL actually came up to me, took my daughter from me and said "is it my turn now". Um it's not a question if you are already taking her out of my arms before I can even say anything....

lifeisapeach · April 2015

Our plan was the same as yours with our first although everyone was allowed to be in the waiting room and even allowed in our room but not during the actual delivery, the plan was no one else during active labor but us.. Well I got an epidural and was feeling too good and let them stay.... BIG FAT MISTAKE! It was awful, we both totally regret it and with this one no one will be in the room but us. Stick with your plan.

Kimk1616 · April 2015

@aveline8 I have no idea how you composed yourself, that is straight up rude. I'm in the same position with my own parents wanting to come visit from far away immediately after the birth. I'm going to straight up tell them that I won't be sharing my baby for the first week or so, whether they visit or not. Our parents have had babies before, I can't understand why they can't comprehend how special and important those first few days and weeks are for new parents to bond with their babies, alone.

deviduke412 · April 2015

We have the same plan. Just my husband with me during labor and delivery and then at least 2 hrs before we let people back to visit. This gives time to clean up, shower, breast feed, and bond with our little boy. My mom was a little upset at first when she learned that she won't be in the delivery room (this isn't common in my family) but she's accepting of our decision. My in-laws are totally understanding. My family did also think it odd that we wouldn't let people back right away but you know, it's not about them at that time. We expressed our wants right away and stood our ground, you should too.

deviduke412 · April 2015

I'm debating even telling our 3 sets of parents that I'm in labor. Might wait until he's born to call them. It's my stepmom I'm worried about. She can't keep a secret even when I stress that it's to be kept to herself for now. And I don't want people flooding in the hospital hours before he's even born. I mean they can, but they'll have a long wait!

jorstad1 · April 2015

My first born I had
My mom
My mil my fil
2 sis n laws
Husband
All in the room for labor and delivery

2nd one different hospital
Could only have one person so just dh and i

lifesabeach85 · April 2015

Since it seems like your in laws are the hold outs here i think it's very important that your husband back you up 100%...maybe have him inform his parents that your decision about privacy is final

hjenkii · April 2015

My MIL sort of invited herself in the beginning and I really didn't think much about it....now I'm just like I don't want any one in there except me and Hubby. So I don't know if I should just have that conversation with her and here her be upset and deal with the big mess it WILL cause...or just deal with her being in the room. But then I feel obligated to invite my parents in. So it is either going to be a big party in my delivery room or dealing with hurt feelings and a huge argument. I'm so confused and torn and kind of fed up with having to feel like this at all. I just wish his family was more understanding.

alidip1 · April 2015

I think you will regret it if you dont stand your ground. I know that giving birth is beautiful, but can be painful and emotional at the same time. It should be as comfortable for you as you can make it.. after all your body is breathing life into that baby until she / he officially enters the world- I don't care what anyone says (even if my husband disagreed).. generally what is healthy and good for mom (physically and emotionally) will be better for the baby, since generally she is the babys primary care giver! You have to do what is right for you! You are allowed to change your mind about things, I think its a common thing to do in parenthood! I've gone back and forth on several different things and she's not even here yet, I have to remind myself that is OK! I am doing the best to make the best choices for her and my family, so that will happen!
Ive even reminded my husband that even once we come home.. people still need to respect our privacy as a family. (They all live very close by). We will still see them throughout the week when they are invited, but they will not be coming over every single day just to see baby.. we still live here and are a woman and man who need alone time! Haha
If anything.. like someone else has said I would have my mom or sister in the room for del. Only because I know they are genuinely there to support me and the baby.

alidip1 · April 2015

Either way. We have decided to just call people when we are ready for them to come, this makes me feel a lot better. Heck, I may want them there right away, but as for now this takes a lot of pressure off! (; Thank you to everyone that responded. I'm liking these community boards, they comfort me during some of the stresses and joys of pregnancy!!

BriannaRobbins2013 · April 2015

I'm in the same position. I'm more so that way because I don't feel comfortable with anyone other than my husband and doctors/nurses seeing all I have below the equator. My mother completely understands because she knows how I am, but my mother in law has demanded to go to every appointment, every ultrasound, etc... She hasn't. I told her she was allowed to come to one ultrasound and she's been to one other appointment. I've also made it very clear from BEFORE the beginning that I am only comfortable with my husband being in the delivery room. I'm also doing kangaroo care after the birth which is 1-2 hours of skin to skin with me before anyone gets to hold her. I saw where your family lives close by. My mother in law does as well. I told her if she kept coming over constantly, I would change the locks and ignore her honks. I wasn't trying to be mean about it, I love her to death, but she is way too demanding and overbearing. It is my child (husbands too and he has the same opinion as me) and we should be able to have the birth and first few days at home the way we want!

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