I AM FUMING

mvargas12 · March 2015

I think smoke might be coming out of my ears. I am so sorry for this venting post but it's 2:30 in the morning and my head will explode if I don't get it out.

So we live in Philadelphia and my husband doesn't have a car. He doesn't really need one. So when he works his second job a couple of times I week, I'll pick him up because I do have a car and because I love him and don't want him to have him to take the bus. Some time ago he started doing this thing where he'd be like, "I know you're tired just go to bed baby" "I'm only thinking of You" and I'd insist and then the truth would come out that he wanted to hang out with his friends after work. Which like, fine, whatever. Just don't pretend like you're thinking about me and being soooo nice by offering to take the bus. Anyway, I talked to him and told him it really got me mad. He stopped doing it but then two night ago he did it again!!!!! I was so mad that I told him I wasn't picking him up for a while since he only "thinks" of me when he has plans after work.

THEN TODAY I didn't pick him up and the restaurant closed at 10 so I went to bed at 11:30, not surprised he wasn't home yet cause it'll take him like 45 minutes to get home plus sometimes he still has tables after 10.. Yada yada... Meanwhile I'm texting him about our moving options. At 1230, nothing... 1am I text him are you okay? He says yes be home soon so I go back to sleep... 2:30 I call him asking where he is and he goes "it's that late already?? Don and I went to the bar and time just got away from us"... Ummmm... WHATTTTT????!!!!!!!!! We've been texting and he couldn't even tell me he was going out?! I'm not his mom, he doesn't need permission but he knows I worry when he gets out of work and has to wait for the bus and stuff. I mean, we live in Philly. Three kids just killed a man cause they got bored of playing basketball (in the news). I've told him before to text me if he's gonna be later. 2:45 am???!!! REALLLYYY?????????????????????

klkonwi · March 2015

How annoying. I do not blame you for being upset

taboullio84 · March 2015

That's beyond disrespectful.

momtobe613 · March 2015

Yeah, no. That doesn't fly in my house. I'm not your mother but I deserve the courtesy of a phone call out of respect. &&&& you're a grown man with a wife at home, get home at a decent time.

My blood would be boiling.

jmk729 · March 2015

I know I'd be pissed too.. At least a text to let you know he's not in a ditch! It is dangerous out there and I don't know if its the hormones but I feel like my imagination always runs away with me and I end up worried and stressed!!
Also - I'm in Philadelphia too! I'd love to know where you're delivering! My doctor just changed affiliations to Einstein but only does Philly

kbbtah · March 2015

Im sorry but that sounds super sketchy on his part. Just me, but I wouldn't trust him. I certainly don't mean to put ideas in your head but it sounds like he's not being truthful to you and there's no excuse for that. Sit down with him and have a straight talk. Keep us posted.

mvargas12 · March 2015

When I get really angry, I cry. This was before the pregnancy and even more now so when he finally got home last night I just locked myself in our room and cried like a baby. Not out of sadness or hurt or anything, I was just SO mad. Thank God I have to work late tonight, I'm still really upset and don't want to talk to him yet.

I don't think he's cheating if that's what you mean @kbbtah, although it's a valid concern. I've had that boyfriend before and I just don't get that feeling from my husband. Plus, I've met his coworkers and I've seen their texts, they like to hang out together. I'll definitely talk to him, I'm just going to wait until I can do it without ripping his head off

Addelie · March 2015

I feel for you! Will you be able to talk to him rationally about it when you've calmed down? This is not what you need right now - a night of stress, tears and worrying just isn't going to help anyone

mvargas12 · March 2015

@jmk729 My doctor delivers at Hahnemann Hospital, I just don't know how I feel about driving into cc in labor lol

mvargas12 · March 2015

@Addelie I think so. I hope so. Maybe?

KarasTwin · March 2015

I would be irate! I cry when I'm mad, too so I can totally relate. My DH is really close to his dad and they hang out nearly every Saturday. He always says that he's going to be gone just a few hours and it turns into all day. They usually go shooting and I get so angry because he won't respond to calls or texts and says the time just got away from him. He works for a power company and was gone quite a bit recently due to storms and classes and I don't feel like it's a lot for me to ask him to spend time with me on the weekends. His dad makes comments like "I won't let him" do things which really pisses me off. No, we're not their mothers and they don't need permission, but a little common courtesy is not much to ask for.

ksimo6 · March 2015

I would lose my shit. So disrespectful!

Addelie · March 2015

@mvargas12 It's definitely worth a shot. Recently my DH ended up in a strip club (boys weekend in Germany) and it upset me. I found that sitting down and rationally explaining how I felt really helped. He totally heard me out and said that upsetting me was the last thing he wanted to do, even more so when I'm carrying our child.

I suggest that when you've calmed down that you sit down and tell him in a non-have-a-go way how you feel and what you need. Be honest though - if you want him to come home straight from work then tell him. Hopefully he'll hear you out and care about what you have to say. If not... That's a whole different problem

frankengibbs · March 2015

Though I am not my DH's mother and he doesn't need to ask my permission to go out, I do expect that he gives me an ETA and the courtesy of letting me know where he is so I don't make myself sick worrying. I don't hound him about it, but considering that one of our closest friends was murdered last April, he knows I will panic if I don't hear from him for hours.
Sounds to me like you need to talk to your DH and let him know why you want him to communicate with him and that when he doesn't it not only worries you, but makes you feel horribly disrespected.

KaLikeAWind · March 2015

I cry when I am angry, too. Its frustrating cause I feel it takes away from the impact of what I am trying to communicate.

This situation you're describing would piss me off. To no end. Many have said this already and I agree. You're his wife and carrying his child - you deserve some kind of notice that he is going out with friends, and some kind of ETA on when he should get home. Or at least, a text that he is going out, and another text that says 'OK, hon, making my way home now' so you at least know he is in transit and can expect him within the hour. I'm all about letting my guy go out with friends but there does need to be avenues of communication. The only thing I am "however-ing" about is this - what if you had some sort of problem with the baby or yourself at 1am while he was out and you were unable to drive yourself to the ER? Do you guys have a plan in place for that? Or for when you go into actual labor? If you have a support system then its not much of an issue but in my case its me and hubs and no one else, so this would be very concerning to me.

I agree that a discussion needs to be had when you've calmed down and can approach the conversation without going into Raging Bitch Mode (tho I do feel RBM is certainly warranted, it would be counterproductive to the conversation). Go get him, girl!

mvargas12 · March 2015

@KarasTwin that sounds annoying, specially since he's putting the thought in your husband's mind that you're "not letting him do something". Have you talked to your husband about it? The whole not showing up without a text thing with my husband is new and I plan on talking to him since it's really not something I want to happen again

karaelaine1991 · March 2015

I would be so upset if my husband did this! He's in the habit now of texting me when he gets to work and leaves work each day, because he has a 40 minute commute and knows that I worry - he's super forgetful, so if he can do it, anyone can!

It sounds to me like your husband knows that you worry, so if I were in your place, I think that I'd sit him down and ask him why he doesn't communicate with you when he knows how upset it makes you. As PP have suggested, reiterate that not only does it make you worried for his safety, but it makes you feel disrespected. As your husband, that should get his attention!

enigmaticjj · March 2015

I think @mellymar makes a good point about what if there's an emergency with your pregnancy. Not saying he has to be attached at the hip to you, but he really needs to be attentive to keep the communication lines between you two open in case something does happen.

mvargas12 · March 2015

You guys are right, I do need be calm when I talk to him if I want it to be a productive conversation.

@mellymar it's just us as well. I've had an easy pregnancy (knock on wood!) and haven't even considered what would happen in an emergency. I'll definitely have to bring that up when we talk.

Thank you all for the advice and replies. It's hard to talk to my friends or family without feeling like they're judging my marriage. We are usually pretty great together. No idea what happened last night!

KaLikeAWind · March 2015

@mvargas12 yeah, it's hard when its just you guys against the world. Definitely a serious conversation needs to happen, but it may help if you make some notes beforehand. Seems a little weird, but it should help you to keep your thoughts organized and at the same time hopefully help you from getting too emotional about it. Good luck!

KarasTwin · March 2015

@mvargas12 I told him how mad it made me. He's used to his dad acting that way because he's dealt with it his whole life. I did mention to FIL that I didn't like it and my SIL told him how lucky he was that MIL lets him get away with pretty much whatever. He said the first 10 years of their marriage wasn't like that and I told him I still have a good 8 since we're coming up on 2 years of marriage in June.

MrsWiggleWaggle · March 2015

@karastwin I'm so glad your SIL stuck up for you! And I hope you tell your FIL to BUTT OUT of your relationship. It is so not his place to say destructive unproductive things like that. If you hear him do it, I would politely ask him "now why would you say something like that about the private relationship between me and my husband?" And let let him answer. He won't and you can change the subject and he will get the picture. As for DH, courtesy is not too much to ask...especially if you are clear with your needs. If he still doesn't provide that then it's time to dig deeper into the issues of trust and respect and prioritizing the marriage. Find quiet time to bring it up.

laurendutch · March 2015

To OP, one thing to bring up is how this situation is going to play out with a newborn. Is he still going to go out a ton? This was happening to a friend of mine and it was really hard on their marriage...she just wanted adult company and to take a shower, but her DH was off drinking with his brother.

I do feel as a couple/adult that you do need time to hang out with friends. BUT, it shouldn't be all the time and there should be communication...ie leaving work/leaving bar. Maybe let him know "go out with your friends tomorrow night, just let me know when you plan to be home and send a text when you are leaving/or running late"...and just let him know that he does need to answer his phone in case it's an emergency.

devyns2nd · March 2015

Oh that would not work at my house!

sweetmama101226 · March 2015

I know your not his mom but you are his wife! and coming home or not being home at that time is not ok at all. He is not single any more and he is expecting a child. He needs to get his priorities straight! sorry!

happyangi09 · March 2015

It kind of sounds like he did it to annoy you since you're not picking him up anymore. Men play mind games. They're worse than women. Honestly, just have a talk with him and let him know it's okay for him to tell you if he has plans with his friends. Start picking him up again and everything will be dandy lol. Communication is key

KarasTwin · March 2015

@MrsWiggleWaggle yeah, it's just something I have to pick my battles on. He and his dad weren't that close until a few years ago and I hate to come in between their relationship. I do think we're going to have to have a come to Jesus meeting before LO gets here. It's just a difficult situation all around, but I'm going to have to handle it sooner or later

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