bf moved out

christmasstree · March 2015

I wouldn't even think he would be controlling. I've been in controlling and abusive relationships before and he is like the best thing to happen to me.
Thanks for the advice. Its just getting to be so hard given I'm pregnant and so emotional.

smbolton360 · March 2015

It sounds as though having him in your life and the baby's life is important to you at this point and I would suggest couples counseling to help you both communicate better, figure out what you both want and what the best environment is for baby. Sometimes we all take advice better from a neutral 3rd person instead of our significant others. Good luck and I hope it works out for you and baby.

christmasstree · March 2015

Oh I just asked him about going to see a therapist and he said no. if he won't talk to his family then why would he talk to a therapist. So that's out of the question. But thanks

smbolton360 · March 2015

Couples counseling would be my bottom line before I let him move back in, if I chose to do that. As others have said a baby will test even the healthiest of relationships. His refusal to get help to make your relationship stronger and raise the baby in a healthy environment would give me serious concern if I was in your position. Again, best of luck.

christmasstree · March 2015

Yeah. All of what you guys are saying makes sense. I just never thought it would come to this. We've never fought. Or had any problems. And now it's like we have every problem in the book. Thank you

HSTeacherHeidi · March 2015

I understand you've "never fought", but you've also only been in the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship (first year or so). Many times issues arise much after the first year(s), and then they get worked on and fixed before you go on, decide to get engaged, married, then babies.

Usually you have faced a lot of challanges before you reach this stage of a relationship that has strengthened you as a couple. Then you both know what to expect from each other in tough times and how to "fight fair", compromise, etc.

I agree with the idea of counseling, if you were to get married it's something many people do...and since you're having a baby together it would only strengthen you as a couple before the challenges of a new baby arrive.

christmasstree · March 2015

Yeah I don't know why he won't go. I know he doesn't like talking to people about his problems but I can't think of any way to get him to talk. I guess maybe leaving him alone is best. I just hope we can work things out before the baby gets here. She'll be here before we know it.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

He sounds like the last thing your baby needs in its life. Especially if he has to be center of attention. This whole situation frustrates me because your putting your 11 month relationship over your child. Im actually starting to become angry over that fact, so ill leave it here. Best of luck to you.

HaruhiChan · March 2015

You keep going on about how you are making him feel. How is HE making YOU feel?

He doesn't want to make it work because he doesn't want to talk to you. You suggest therapy, he turns it down. You want to talk to him, he doesn't want to talk it out. He "needs space" so he moves out.

Sorry, but he is treating you like shit. YOU are making an effort to fix things, but he is running from it like a coward, not a father.

If he needed space, he could just go out for a night or two at a friends. Not MOVE OUT. What is he going to do when your postpartum mood swings frustrate him? From what I hear, they're pretty nasty.

You don't need this kind of guy. He's turning it all around and blaming YOU. That's a toxic relationship. You deserve someone who is going to be a real man and meet his significant other to speak out problems and compromise. Not run with his tail between his legs.

You deserve way better. Chin up, you are making an effort and he is NOT. That makes HIM the terrible one here, not you. A real girlfriend makes an effort to make amends, and you are doing that.

So, try not to blame yourself so much. Own up to the things you said out of hormones, apologize, and try to control your emotions better from now on.

As for him? If he doesn't even want to talk it out, he is not worth your time. Good luck, mama!

christmasstree · March 2015

Thanks

christmasstree · March 2015

Oh well apparently I've been a horrible gf since the beginning. Before I was even pregnant. He's been unhappy. I guess I'm too mean and snippy and moody. And he's just figuring it out now. So now I feel like a horrible person. But I guess it's better to find this out now than after she's born.

HaruhiChan · March 2015

Hey, being a rather emotional person by nature, you can own up to that, accept that, and work on that.

It does NOT make you a bad girlfriend. It's how you handle it and work on it that makes or breaks you.

kat0217 · March 2015

christmasstree said:
Yeah I know we weren't together for very long. We thought kids wasn't an option because that's what his Dr told him but apparently it was possible. I want to make us better before the baby comes because we both wanted our kids to be raised by two people together and not how we were raised. Idk what's going to happen but I wish he would talk to me. Thank you.

Under what circumstances did his doctor tell him he couldn't have kids? Doctors don't just pass that info out. Usually it happens after testing which occurs after trying to conceive and having issues (and even then it's usually that the man will have difficulty, not that he's 100% sterile). I'm pretty sure he lied to you so he wouldn't have to use a condom.

It also sounds like he's lying now to get out of responsibilities. He's saying you've been horrible to him the whole relationship but he just now realized it? Wake up. He's full of crap.

christmasstree · March 2015

Yeah I know. It's just hard to think about.

christmasstree · March 2015

When he was younger he had an issue with his area and the drs told him when he got older it would be difficult to have kids.

kat0217 · March 2015

christmasstree said:
When he was younger he had an issue with his area and the drs told him when he got older it would be difficult to have kids.

Yeah, difficult is not even kinda the same as can't have kids. And again, just having issues isn't enough to determine it without testing. I was also told I would never even conceive, much less carry to term (just based on some health issues, not testing) as a teen. This is my 3rd pregnancy, albeit the first one that didn't end in miscarriage, but still, they were clearly wrong. I guess doctors need to explain themselves better.

But more importantly, your boyfriend needs to not be a moron and assume that "difficult" means it can't happen.

lola2bee · March 2015

christmasstree said:
When he was younger he had an issue with his area and the drs told him when he got older it would be difficult to have kids.

Wow and based on that he thought unprotected sex is ok? Either he's not too bright or he was scamming you. Either way it sounds like it's better he's out of your life. Has he said he wants to see the baby at all?

christmasstree · March 2015

Yeah he wants to be apart of her life.

jerseymommatobe · March 2015

So I've been reading this thread and I hate to be blunt but if you have only been with him for 11 months and he wants to be in your child's life and is unhappy in your relationship, let him go and start to think about moving on!

christmasstree · March 2015

Well I'm not going to force him to be with me. Break ups are just always hard

saric83 · March 2015

christmasstree said:
Oh well apparently I've been a horrible gf since the beginning. Before I was even pregnant. He's been unhappy. I guess I'm too mean and snippy and moody. And he's just figuring it out now. So now I feel like a horrible person. But I guess it's better to find this out now than after she's born.

This does not equate you being a horrible person! It just simply means that your personality isn't a great fit for what he needs, and clearly vice versa. Figuring out that kind of stuff is all about maturing with your relationships and knowing what YOU want and need and what is a good fit for you. I know it's hard, but stop looking at it as though you did something wrong or he did something wrong. Perhaps you two just aren't a great match as a couple. I know it's super stressful given that you're about to have a child, but don't try to force something to work that shouldn't be. It's not worth when your effort when instead you can focus on being great parents together.

ashleylane66 · March 2015

Honestly you will probably be better off without this drama. You just take care of your little girl!!! And find some support elsewhere whether that is friends family or a moms group!

christmasstree · March 2015

Yeah thanks. We're going to work on just being there for her

HaruhiChan · March 2015

Yeah, I know break ups can be hard. But listen to this community here. Sure, it can be harsh at times, but everyone who has posted so far has been supporting you. We're all vouching for you

You don't need him if this is how he is making you feel. Some of the things you say he is making you feel makes me think there is some emotional abuse going on, and that's not fair to you. It's scary at first, to make that leap, but you will look back and realize how strong you are to stand up for yourself and your daughter.

Get child support, but realize this is not all your fault.

As a past victim of emotional/psychological and physical abuse myself, don't do this to yourself or your daughter. This is not a healthy relationship and it will likely only get worse. You are you. You will have your own personal quirks, some good, some bad. It's up to you to fix what you don't like.

You can get through this, and you are not a terrible person. Try not to think that.

christmasstree · March 2015

Thank you. I'm trying my best. I just hope he will be in her life.

HSTeacherHeidi · March 2015

Yes-they are hard. But you have a baby who needs to be number one and him pulling this bs right now and adding to your stress and hormones makes him a jerk.

Sorry to be blunt but you are going to have to get tough, move on, and focus on your baby and your well being from here on out.

christmasstree · March 2015

I know I'm trying so hard. But when your with someone and you have no idea that they even feel a certain way because they don't find it worth it to talk to you about how they have a problem or because of other reasons it makes it hard to just move on. I'm trying to think of all the positive things right now but it's just not easy.

MaddsM · March 2015

Sorry to hear,

But from experience I say you give him the space he is asking for, even if it's just a day or two then ask him to meet up with you somewhere and both sit down and get everything out on the table and explain to him that you want him to be in your and your child's life and that you will agree to work on the things that are bothering him (if you are willing to do so of course!)

I needed some space from my bf and went home for 4 days, not a long time but it made me realize how big of a part of my life he is and how much I need/want him in my life. We talked and we've been better than ever ever since.

You want your little one to come into a happy home with parents who show unconditional love!

Best of luck

FTArmyM · March 2015

That was immature of him. Never make a permanent decision based on temporary circumstances.

christmasstree · March 2015

Thanks. Yeah I'm giving him space. We'll see what happens in the next few days or so. His mom and I are getting close.

ashleylane66 · March 2015

Well that's good. Hopefully she will be helpful and supportive as well

MrsLawson15 · March 2015

It sounds like he is manipulative and is trying to use your baby to guilt trip you. Run far away girl, trust me. It will only get worse when the baby is born.

christmasstree · March 2015

I haven't messaged him and he just asked how I was holding up. It was weird.

ashleylane66 · March 2015

It's almost like he wants you to tell him you are falling apart without him... He wants to be your everything, like your entire focus so he ran away so you would beg him to come back... Very immature on his part! Baby is your focus right now and you shouldn't get worked up over him as it isn't good for baby. I would tell him that too. That you are staying calm because that's what your child needs and you are just focusing on being a good mother for your child because that is what your child deserves even now

christmasstree · March 2015

Yup that is my focus. Hes being selfish. He left me at the wrong time he should have left before if he was going to. I had asked him if he was planning on leaving me of if he wanted to work on us because that's what he said and he told me he didn't have an answer for me because he didn't know . His mom said that means he needs space. And he's probably freaking out . And when I didn't message him he decided to message me asking how I'm holding up. In my head I'm like really how do you think I'm holding up but didn't say that to him. Non of this is easy because I never thought I'd be a single mother but the things that he said and leaving me I feel he is running away. He might be there for the baby but he didn't even bother to try and talk things out with me. I'm already having a baby I don't need to raise another one. Yes I love him and it hurts but like everyone said I need to focus on my daughter.

ashybashy808102014 · March 2015

JFC. What a shitshow.

christmasstree · March 2015

Okay so my now ex just basically told me we can either be civil or I can fight him on anything that has to do with her. Are you kidding me?! He is beyond being a prick. And now I wish I didn't have anything to do with him.