bf moved out

christmasstree · March 2015

So my bf moved out because he needs time and space because I never put him first and it's always about me or my family. And he told me for vday he got pissed because I said it was shitty because we didn't do what we had planned to do. And we had to stay home. I was upset because I wanted to go away with him. And he thought that I meant what he did wasn't enough. And I had said the perfect day would be going away getting lots of food and jewelry. But I was joking about that stuff I just wanted to go away with him because we never do. And I didn't say that so he didn't know. He also said I need to work on how I word things because they come out by not meaning what I say. I Will say something and have it mean something else. So I feel like the worst gf ever. But idk if it's the pregnancy. Idk what to do. He needs time and space and I just want to prove to him that I'm sorry.

louloutte87 · March 2015

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

I shouldn't, but I totally judge guys who walk out on their pregnant partners. What a prat. Whatever his issues are, they can wait until after the child is born and you are of the right frame of mind to deal with him. Hormones are unpredictable and he should be mature enough to understand that, not have a strop and walk out.

Maybe he's just having a man-moment and will come to his senses.

christmasstree · March 2015

Thanks.
Well he said he's not walking out he just needs time and space because he's having a nervous breakdown and if he stays he's going to snap and that won't be good. I mean I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I'm not seeing it because I'm pregnant. And I've been so wrapped up in this pregnancy. But he should have known things would have been somewhat different.

ashleylane66 · March 2015

Many men go through a period of time where they feel like they are going to snap when a woman is pregnant. I wouldn't say moving out is a solution... But maybe he does need a bit of time to breathe I know being pregnant I am so much more irritable and I can be a lot harder on my husband. It's something that you both need to work on. He needs to be more empathetic because you are going through so much and you should probably work on the wording things like you said. I really hope that after a little bit of a breather he realizes you care, because it sounds like you do!!! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!!!

christmasstree · March 2015

Thanks. It's upsetting because I feel like I'm the worst gf ever and idk how to make it right again. I just wish he knew it's because of the pregnancy and I would never do anything like this on purpose. I know he needs space but it's just hard because we haven't been apart since we've been together. I wish he had talked to me before. He had said he let a lot of things slide because I'm pregnant but now it's just too much.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

Sounds like this guy needs to grow up. Hes gotta figure out not everything is about him and you guys have a little one coming that should ALWAYS be put first. Not him. I hate to rain on his pity parade, but id not only let him move out... But make him work to come back if he tries to.

christmasstree · March 2015

But I feel like it's my fault because of everything he's been feeling and how I've been so horrible to him. He has to know it's just the pregnancy but apparently I tell him I don't need expensive things and the little things are all that matters and counts but my actions say otherwise. Idk I mean everything is just coming up all at once.

ashleylane66 · March 2015

He needs to talk to you when he's upset... There's no reason to let it build so much... I wish more guys were better at communication

marthaudani · March 2015

It's one thing to need a break and sleep on a friend's couch for a night or two while he clears his head - it's a completely different animal when he moves out.

He may just be feeling overwhelmed and not up to the idea that now he has to support a child.

One thing is for sure - you both need to stop using pregnancy as a blanket excuse for behavior that is unacceptable. Occasionally crying for no good reason or forgetting to buy something at the store is fine but not constantly doing or saying things that get on your bf's nerves. This is something you should both talk about. Make sure that you are both comfortable telling each other that feelings were hurt or boundaries were crossed. That's the only way your relationship will grow.

That being said, you both need to lay out your expectations for what it will be like once the baby comes. That way you are both clear about what each other wants.

You are both bringing a baby into this world. Now is not the time to be freaking out.

dec2018mom · March 2015

I'm going to be blunt here and if I sound like a bitch, I'm sorry ahead of time.

Being pregnant is tough. Our hormones are all over the place and it's easier to get irritated. This is my first pregnancy, so I'm not an expert. I've experienced intense mood swings and I've taken it out on my husband. I've said things and phrased things in ways that caused problems, but I learned something valuable. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't give me the right to say and do whatever I want and get away with it. My husband doesn't deserve to be treated poorly and have it be understood just because I'm carrying a baby.

He has feelings too and if he is telling you What is bothering you then be thankful. A lot of men don't share their feelings and let us know what we're doing wrong. Be thankful and take it as an opportunity to fix the parts of the problem that you've caused. Don't blame your negative actions on pregnancy because what excuse will you have after the baby comes if things have not changed on your end?

sunnysidexup · March 2015

This sounds like a very immature relationship, especially considering the pregnancy. I wonder if you guys were married it would have reminded him that he has made commitments not just to you but to the baby. You do NOT just leave over silly relationship ups and downs because we all have them.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

Being pregnant means a lot of hormones definitely. But also its not an excuse. You still have to be nice...

christmasstree · March 2015

I know the pregnancy isn't an excuse But I didnt notice how I was acting towards him until now. I've noticed it with other people But with him it never occurred to me I had changed. Until he started distancing himself and now he's finally giving me bits and pieces as to what's wrong. If I had known before what I was doing wrong I would have stopped.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

I agree with one of the previous posters that this sounds like a really immature relationship. In an above comment you mention not expecting expensive things.. That shouldn't even be a point to make in an argument. Between that and his constant need for you to put him first, your relationship isint healthy. From the way you two act it doesn't seem like youve been together for very long. My opinion thinks you should cut it off before it gets worse with a baby in the picture.

christmasstree · March 2015

It's been almost 11 months. We've been together. I know we haven't been together long before we got pregnant but he was always told he couldn't have kids. So we didn't think anything of it until I ended up pregnant so it was a big surprise. Everything was fine until recently

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

Well regardless, babies dont ask to be brought into the world. So you need to make sure your going to give the baby the best home life possible. Not with so much dysfunction. Sorry if I'm coming off rude it just makes me mad when people put there dysfunctional relationship over thinking about the baby. Again, I'm being blunt. So sorry.

christmasstree · March 2015

No it's okay. It wasn't always like this before it was going good. I think now its just he's feeling unappreciated and me being pregnant and not seeing it wasn't helping. I want to do everything I can to make things better and we both dont want to bring the baby into a bad relationship because we both have had experiences with that.

mrscimino914 · March 2015

I agree with @mrsphillips610 and @backwoodsbarbie2k15 being pregnant is not an excuse. It gets hard sometimes. I find myself being so moody and bitchy to my husband but I admit to it and apologize for it, maybe give him a back rub or something bc men have feelings too. Maybe you need to communicate better and don't be stubborn. Because this baby will be here and you'll have bigger things to worry about. Good luck!

sunnysidexup · March 2015

mrscimino914 said:
I agree with @mrsphillips610 and @backwoodsbarbie2k15 being pregnant is not an excuse. It gets hard sometimes. I find myself being so moody and bitchy to my husband but I admit to it and apologize for it, maybe give him a back rub or something bc men have feelings too. Maybe you need to communicate better and don't be stubborn.

Ditto. We have both been stressed from work and house hunting that I haven't felt so depressed and moody since I was on birth control years ago (it was so bad I had to stop taking it). I am definitely too mean to him so I warn him every day.

mrscimino914 · March 2015

Lol I get it @sunnysidexup my husband laughs at me because I say something mean and then say "wow that was pretty mean to say, I'm sorry" he's like you say that twenty times a day lol.

Tabbi8486 · March 2015

I do agree that being pregnant is no excuse to mistreat your partner however I will admit that I've totally been guilty of it from time to time. I don't mean to. I just hurt all the time and I'm so emotional that I get a bit crazy and sometimes say things I shouldn't. My husband doesn't like it but he would never even consider leaving me because of it. It sounds to me like the guy your with really just isn't ready for everything going on. No it's not okay for you to mistreat him just because of pregnancy but a few harsh words are not a reason to move out. I've said some awful things to my husband lately and I always feel terrible right after (I'm not the perfect wife) and luckily he is very understanding and accepts my apology immediately. I'm very lucky to have someone that just lets it go because he knows how much pain I'm in and how crazy it makes me. My husband has been an angel throughout my pregnancy so I guess it's a little hard for me to understand how some guys are so awful during other woman's pregnancy. You definitely shouldn't be dealing with this right now and I'm sorry that you are. If you two do work things out, you really need to work on communication. When I hurt my husband's feelings, I know immediately and that's important because then I can fix what I did. If you bf is not communicating his feeings that can be a very big problem. Do what's best for you and the baby. He's going to have to understand that the baby will always come first! That's another reason I say he may not be ready for all the responsibility. It's normal for guys to get a little jealous because they aren't your main focus anymore but to actually pack up and leave because of it is just craziness. I hope everything works out for you but it sounds to me like you probably deserve better because none of the things you listed are good enough reason to move out of your pregnant gf!

cpage2211 · March 2015

When I start on my bitchfest with my husband (because I go from dotting wife to mega bitch in a matter of seconds), hubby just looks at me and says "are you done pregosauraus?" And I know I need to stop and we laugh. I'm glad he understands that I can't control my own emotions right now. But after 11 years, I would hope he would!

EDIT-I'm not condoning bitchy behavior I'm just saying that it's a tough time that takes both parties to understand what's going on with each other and dealing with it. Not running away.

christmasstree · March 2015

I agree with you guys. And I know pregnancy has its affects on people differently and it's no excuse to be mean or say what ever you want but I don't realize I was treating him like that. I noticed it to other people but with him he never said anything to me. He does need to work on telling me how he's feeling because if he doesn't I won't know. But he lets himself process it first and he still has more to tell me. I guess there are more things that I did that I don't know about. He told me that whenever he would mention to me before how I would say something I would always not mean it how I said it. So he just got tired of telling me because it was never the way he thought I meant it. He moved out because he needs space. I just find it hard to understand because I didn't know I was doing anything wrong because he didn't say something.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

See, to me.. Moving out cause he needs "space" with a baby coming in 2 months seems like a giant load of crap to me. When things get stressful with a baby is he just gonna pack up and leave for some more "space"? The answer is more than likely! Tigers dont change there stripes, dear. Thats just wrong. He has the wrong mindset of a man that is having a baby soon. May i ask how old he is?

christmasstree · March 2015

True. He will be 26 soon

christmasstree · March 2015

Well apparently we have many different issues that I did not see. I must be really blind. He has never said he had an issue with me. Now everything is coming out.

lola2bee · March 2015

christmasstree said:
Well apparently we have many different issues that I did not see. I must be really blind. He has never said he had an issue with me. Now everything is coming out.

Pregnancy and children will bring it ALL out. I think what a lot of people are saying above is that you are both accountable for your behavior and the grown up thing to do is to talk it out. I don't totally understand what this fight is even about but it sounds like you are blaming yourself for everything.

christmasstree · March 2015

Well I feel that it is all my fault. I'm trying to talk to him but he isn't ready to talk yet. Most of the things he is telling me make it my fault so I have no one to blame really but myself. It all started because of Valentine's day and then that's when everything else started to come up because he was starting to realize things. And now he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown and apparently I was making him really unhappy. So idk what's going on.

christmasstree · March 2015

I just feel like I've been a horrible gf. And idk if it's because of the pregnancy. I mean I didn't see any issues before and he never told me. But now everything is coming out and I think he's feeling unappreciated and like he's doing all the work and idk. I just want to fix it.

lola2bee · March 2015

Well he needs to want to fix it too :-(

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

For 26 he handles your relationship like hes 16. Id seriously reconsider the relationship. If you honestly say that you haven't been horrible to him, then i wouldn't blame yourself. Between all of what you said and have dealt with similar, it sounds like he has a real control problem and always needs the lime light. Thats a real problem with a baby in the picture

christmasstree · March 2015

Well he says by staying away and having space it's how we can make it work. And its hard to not blame myself when he is telling me the things I've said or I did.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

Lmao no.. Avoiding you is NOT going to make things work. This whole situation is just wrong wrong wrong!! Ugh. Id leave him in a heartbeat.

christmasstree · March 2015

Apparently I'm the worst gf ever. Because apparently he has tried bringing up stuff and I don't really pay it any attention. I don't remember. And I guess for months I've been treating him bad

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

Well if your not treating him bad then he has no reason to be acting like this. Do you really think what is happening is good for the baby?

christmasstree · March 2015

Well I don't see it but he sees how I'm treating him. I know its not good for the baby but I can't help but stress over it. He needs to be alone right now. I guess I pushed him over the edge. And idk how to make it right.

backwoodsbarbie2k15 · March 2015

If you know its not good for the baby why are you still doing this? Hes not putting in the effort. So why should you? Baby should always come first. Even now.

christmasstree · March 2015

Because it's something that just happened and it's hard not to think about it.

chefnewmommy · March 2015

Yes he's an ass and clearly inconsiderate...given the position you're currently in, but you guys haven't even been together a year and a baby is almost here. You didn't really know too much about him to begin with. Ppl show you who they are and how they handle things with time and you guys went from the "honeymoon stage" to parents really quickly. It's not an excuse not to lie in the bed he helped make, but for babys sake I hope you guys can both mature and put this baby first. Good luck.

christmasstree · March 2015

Yeah I know we weren't together for very long. We thought kids wasn't an option because that's what his Dr told him but apparently it was possible. I want to make us better before the baby comes because we both wanted our kids to be raised by two people together and not how we were raised. Idk what's going to happen but I wish he would talk to me. Thank you.

HSTeacherHeidi · March 2015

backwoodsbarbie2k15 said:
For 26 he handles your relationship like hes 16. Id seriously reconsider the relationship. If you honestly say that you haven't been horrible to him, then i wouldn't blame yourself. Between all of what you said and have dealt with similar, it sounds like he has a real control problem and always needs the lime light. Thats a real problem with a baby in the picture

Totally agree with this and your bf having a control problem. Sometimes it takes getting out of a controlling relationship to realise how unhealthy it is. Obviously being pregnant (and getting pregnant within a few months of dating) complicates things. But you are pregnant, emotional, and not able to be this super girlfriend putting on your best show like you may have been if you weren't pregnant. Relationships grow, and you mature as a couple. Given the quickness and seriousness of these changes (you pregnant disrupts the natural progression of a new relationship), he needs to understand that.

I have a feeling this guy is immature, not liking not having all the attention, mixed with a controlling personality. Focus on you and your baby. Do no chase him or start unhealthy relationship that sometimes comes through break ups (on and off, just sex, moving out and in, demands, etc).
Goodluck!

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