How many shower guests?

KarasTwin · March 2015

My husband has a huge family and both his mom and dad's sides are doing one large shower, which is great and I'm super thankful. However, my MIL emailed me last week and the total guest list is 185 people. Now keep in mind I don't know who most of these people are and not only have I never met them, I've never heard their names. Had DH look at the list and he didn't know who most of them were, either. I mentioned to her that I'm not comfortable with this and feel like I am coming across as greedy and she just laughed. This is exactly why DH and I eloped, because we knew this is what would happen. How many guests are ya'll having and any tips on how to deal with this? Invitations have been ordered and I think may already be in the mail.

finchfeeder80 · March 2015

I'm having about 15. There was maybe 60 people at my wedding, so this is way out of my league. Good luck, though!

MamaBish · March 2015

185?? Holy crap!! I would not be comfortable with that either. Unfortunately, if the invites have already gone out, there's really nothing you can do. If they haven't been sent, I would sit down with DH and the host(s) and say that we would not be comfortable with strangers at the shower. If I were invited to a distant family member's baby shower who I didn't know, I would think they were greedy and rude, which is unfortunate because they are not the hosts.

alcrimmins · March 2015

I think my family shower will be around 30-40 people and I think that's a lot!

KarasTwin · March 2015

I have tried multiple times to discuss it with DH and his mom/aunts who are hosting. I get the same reaction every time. They all say that the guests will know it's not me and that most won't come, but just send a gift. FIL is a preacher and a lot of the guests are people from various churches he's preached at. MIL feels like DH remembers them all and that makes it ok. Every time I bring up etiquette she laughs and says she's not worried about it. I guess she's bought gifts for most of these people and feels the same should be done for her son and his wife. I know they all love her, but I honestly don't think this is ok. I don't like crowds or big groups of strangers and I can't make them understand that.

delujm0 · March 2015

Are invitations already out? The one thing the mom to be should have input into for the shower is the guest list. The only thing you shouldn't be able to do is try to invite more people than the host is comfortable hosting which is clearly not the problem here.

I would have your husband tell his mother than you are both uncomfortable with this guest list and will therefore be turning down the offer for the shower. This means that you might not get to have a shower. But perhaps someone on your side will offer to host instead and invite both families.

Ideally this discussion would happen before invitations go out. If you have already cleared mil to send invitations before you heard about the guest count you are kind of stuck unfortunately. You can refuse to attend if you really want to draw a line in the sand (and it sounds like you might since you had to elope to escape this same scenario at your wedding). But I do agree that to these people who don't know you, your mil is the one that looks gift grabby, not you. And most of them will probably not come or even send a gift.

laurendutch · March 2015

We had smaller showers with DH's paternal side and another shower with his maternal side. It was only aunts/uncles (one side was a co Ed BBQ)/cousins. People who we have a relationship with and see several times a year.

ElRuby · March 2015

Wow! That's more than was at my wedding! Is it all females? I think grandparents often invite their friends and contacts to celebrate with them... So if that's the case it's not totally crazy but the number is huge!

KarasTwin · March 2015

My side is hosting a small shower, probably about 20-30 will actually show up. His side even asked if I wanted to include everyone at their's, but my family lives almost 2 hours aways so I declined (thank God!) At this point I'm going to have to grin and bare it. I'm thinking I'll write up a nice little thank you speech and try to come up with a nice favor to give out. I don't think declining the shower is an option at this point. I'm trying to be understanding as this is the first grandchild on that side and they are super excited. I can't count how many times I've been told to not buy anything because they are planning to buy everything. I guess I'll just be as grateful and classy as possible. Planning on having DH drop by for a few minutes to say thanks as well.

aj1327 · March 2015

That's more than was at my wedding too! I'm having a friend shower with about 25, a family shower that will be maybe 15 people, and my mom's friends have also offered to throw me a shows that would include her best friends I (maybe 10-15) people. My mom passed away 3 1/2 years ago. I feel silly having so many but didn't know how to turn people down.

rrcameron21 · March 2015

Looks like your MIL is turning your baby shower into the wedding she never got to throw you! Just be honest and tell her how you feel. Otherwise just embrace It and have fun!

I'm having 2 showers. One with my family and one with my fiancé's! They would be together but they live 5 hours apart. I think about 25 people at each.

KaLikeAWind · March 2015

Wow. I can't imagine having that many people at any event for me, wedding or baby shower. But, I do think your MIL may be right in one thing, I don't think most of those people will come, because they don't know you. But, because of their close association with your FIL, they will probably buy some kind of gift. However, the ones that do come are probably going to be real good friends with your MIL so there may still be a good number of people you don't know. A speech is good, for sure. And hopefully your MIL will keep track of who gifts what so you can do proper thank yous

KarasTwin · March 2015

@rrcameron21 you may be right about the wedding, as my SIL is getting married in September and I don't think she's including her very much in the wedding planning. I know they're all very excited and I just need to be gracious. I was pretty sure it was a crazy amount of people and now with what everyone has said, it's confirmed. I just hate to look greedy, but hopefully people will understand that it was not my doing. I know how loved LO is and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but it's very overwhelming.

JessBee410 · March 2015

Both my husband and I come from large families, I made my list the other night and it was hovering around 90. My mom is throwing me the shower and was okay with that number. If you are paying for this yourself, you have every right to trim the list down to your comfort level. Good luck!

Serenamarr · March 2015

Wow you've made me feel a lot better about my shower! My mom and MIL joined forces and I was stressing because half of the people on the guest list (60 total) are people I've never met. I can't imagine having 185 people! I've always thought of a baby shower as a time for mom to be pampered and feel comfortable in a close intimate setting of friends and family who can give advice and are going to be a continuing part of the baby's life. I even told my mom I didn't want anything fancy, I was thinking like a backyard bbq type relaxed thing. But once the two of them started planning it became exactly what I did not want- catered in a restaurant and the guest list doubled. And they picked a date that my best friend can't attend, and I had planned on asking her to be the godmother at the shower! After stressing about it I just decided I have to change my perception of what this event is going to be. So I am planning on a different night to have just my close friends over for dinner for the more intimate gathering I was hoping for.

KarasTwin · March 2015

@serenamarr, fortunately I'm not having to pay for anything, but it's definitely spiraled out of control. I don't know what kind of food they are planning or anything. The good news is, that the aunt who is letting us use her home is not one to let people run over her, so hopefully if things get too crazy, she'll have my back. I'm having my mom, sister, and niece come so at least I'll have some moral support. totally agree with you on it being a time for mom to be pampered and feel comfortable, but apparently that's not the case with this situation. My husband says when inviting people to important life events that you should use what he calls the "grocery store policy", as in if you wouldn't go out of your way to speak to them in the grocery store, they have no business being at weddings/showers/etc. I agree. I told my boss I may call in the next day for a mental health day because I will probably be frazzled from the shower. I'm also having a work shower (just during lunch) on May 1 and my friends and family are throwing one for us on May 2. Thank God EDD isn't till June 27th so I'll have time to relax (HA!) after all the showers and craziness.

jessieR358 · March 2015

That's a wedding invite list!! That's crazy! I'm not inviting any of my husbands family besides my inlaws. I have about 35 on the list and thinking about cutting some guests. My mom and best friend are hosting it.

annatta79 · March 2015

If invitations have already gone out, you are probably just going to have to roll with it. You might want to seriously up the number of items on your registry so these folks have some idea of what to get you. I am generally against people asking for money in lieu of gifts, but I can't imagine that there is enough baby stuff out there for 185 people to by buying gifts for one person. Maybe you can set up a college fund for people to contribute to?

slr1229 · March 2015

Sorry but that is just ridiculous.

Emilywooddesign · March 2015

Whoaaa!!! 185 f-ing people? I'm having 60 and felt that was a lot. I would just let your MIL do it- If she's been invited to all these showers and bought gifts I'm sure in her group that's considered normal, she is obviously excited and sounds like a social butterfly. I can totally see how you would be overwhelmed though. Hopefully you will get a lot of gifts and never have to buy diapers again, better get cracking on that registry

HoosOnFirst · March 2015

Yep, this is when you realize the shower's for your relatives and not so much for you

and just roll with it, as others said. Mine's 30 people, and my mom wants to play silly games! Ugh. But she did not get to throw my bridal shower, so I'm letting her do her thing. Just realize that everyone's really excited for you and has the right intentions. The best part is my MIL asked my mom if she could add a few friends, which turned into 5. My mom was nice enough to ask me if I was ok with it. DH was like, if my mom wants to invite her friends, then sure we will gladly take more presents. Even though I barely know them. Show up, be gracious and you'll get through it - I will tell myself that too!

sumertidwell · March 2015

My mom and best friend just did my invited for my shower.. they had about 50ish invited to send.

KarasTwin · March 2015

Yup, I've been adding stuff to the registries and hoping that we get lots of cash or gift cards in addition to items. Maybe some people will go in together and buy large items. Ya'll just pray I don't have a panic attack at the shower! And thanks for validating that I'm not insane to feel the way I do.

KaLikeAWind · March 2015

Yup, time to put all those 'baby luxury' items on your registry. Anything that you briefly considered and was like 'I don't really need that. It would be nice, sure, but I don't need it.' ALL that stuff. Diaper genie. Wipe warmer. Yup, yup. Boogie wipes? Yup. Peepee teepee? Yup. All that stuff on our useless items thread.

kerrymarie44 · March 2015

I had a big shower this past Saturday and you have me dominated! My mom invited about 100 and there were 70 people there. Seems like it's too late to do much about to so buffer that registry and enjoy the gifts!

karaelaine1991 · March 2015

Wow, some of your shower guest lists are huge! It's awesome that you ladies have so many people in your lives who care about you and your families -- but I totally understand feeling uncomfortable with all those people, especially OP with 185 guests. Collectively, I probably will have between 60-80 people at my showers, but they'll be split among three: one thrown my my mom, godmother, and sisters; one thrown by my MIL; and one very small shower thrown by my co-workers at my internship. I personally feel much more comfortable with this split!

Frogger5 · March 2015

I'm impressed that your aunt's house can hold that many people! Nothing else to add that others didn't say already, but good for you for having a good attitude about it! The thought of lugging all the gifts back to your place and writing thank you notes is giving ME a panic attack!

laurendutch · March 2015

My MIL had the same rationale with our wedding list..."I've gone to their kids weddings and bought gifts". I just have to shake my head at that train of thought!

KarasTwin · March 2015

@Frogger5 her house isn't that big. I don't think she realized how many people were going to be invited when she offered her house. Should be interesting. And oh yeah, those thank you notes, I'll be broke after buying stamps

LaurenS119 · March 2015

At this point I would take a deep breath and just think about all the diapers you can buy when you have to return half the gifts you hate

My mom is throwing mine and the invite list is around 55-60

megmama · March 2015

yikes, we are having 55 women. I thought that was huge! I also had the same issue with my MIL, she wanted to have a 2nd shower for her friends and family members that we have never met, and are not close to, my husband had to politely tell her we prefer to have just one shower, and that she was more than welcome to have a baby meet bbq after he is about 2 months old. I did not feel comfortable having people I am not close with bring gifts.... I feel for you! It is very awkward! But at the same time, I also have to be grateful that people are offering to throw showers, I have heard on threads, some people do not even get offers! I read on here that someone posted her friend still has not offered to throw her a shower, and she threw her one the year before! So I don't want to seem ungrateful either.. but i do understand where you are coming from. Kinda just ready for this baby to be here already!

Want a personalized experience?

How many shower guests?

Re: How many shower guests?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards