Sh*t my husband says

newmom1989 · March 2015

so im bringing this thread back since it was deleted, or the person that wrote it got banned or deleted her account. It was a hilarious thread, and I think we could all use some cheering up!

newmom1989 · March 2015

I will start! This was after I told him I peed myself he said "don't forget to put your pee pee clothes in the wash honey don't want it to smell!" Hahaha Such a smart a*s! Love him!

mnharkcom · March 2015

I'm glad you brought this back, but as of now I got nothing :-/

JAP09-02 · March 2015

I'm having a c-section and one morning I asked DH what he would do if something happened to me. He said, "Well, I'd be sad at first, but then I'd get over it." Um, ok? What I meant was how are you going to take care of 3 kids by yourself while working an 80 hr/week job.

xanthe0607 · March 2015

Great thread!

The other day I was matter-of-factly explaining all the possible birth scenarios to my man-child, (natural vs induction vs c-section, along with the various consequences of each). I wanted to manage his expectations because DH is from the school of 'she'll be right'.

After I was done I asked him if he had any questions, to which he replied,
"Yeah, just one. So ummm, nothin' good is gunna come out of this?"

Haha! Ummmm, no darling. Just your son.

mamaparker19 · March 2015

Earlier my husband called me from work and asked where do we go if my water breaks...he thought we had to go to the ER...

keifekm · March 2015

I have an oldie but goodie from DD #1. My husband likes to throw "we" around a lot when talking about pregnancy and breastfeeding etc. At one point he had mentioned that "we" had been breastfeeding for 6 months so we were halfway to our goal of 12 months. After all of the hours I had logged breastfeeding and hooked up to a pump it really made me mad! I quickly corrected him but then felt bad because I know he is a great dad and trying to be involved, but really?!?!? Do they realize how much time, love, sweat, blood and tears a mother gives to her baby??? Sometimes it feels like it goes unappreciated even though I'm sure that's not the case.

astrat017 · March 2015

My husband calls me preggasaurus Rex. So when I'm being a grump he rawrs at me. Manages to lighten my mood and make me laugh.

Catladee · March 2015

I was already kinda clumsy but pregnancy has made it worse and sometimes when turning a corner I don't always make it without bumping into something so after a couple of times of this happening my husband says " careful now you're not a compact car anymore " I asked him what I was now a Semi??

colemarie07 · March 2015

We took our Labor and Delivery tour last week. While we were in one of the labor rooms one of the expectant dads asked where the men can lay down to sleep while mom was in labor to which my hubby replies "Uh dude you don't get to sleep." LOL He is a pretty smart man at times.

Unknown · March 2015

This content has been removed.

guinevereis · March 2015

colemarie07 said:
We took our Labor and Delivery tour last week. While we were in one of the labor rooms one of the expectant dads asked where the men can lay down to sleep while mom was in labor to which my hubby replies "Uh dude you don't get to sleep." LOL He is a pretty smart man at times.

That's hilarious! The days of dads chilling in the waiting room with cigars is over!

lisajewall · March 2015

I remember the first time I felt baby hiccups - I texted my hubby "The baby is hiccuping!" He replied
"Aw really!!? How can you tell? Are you Farting lots?" He was completely serious, and it still makes me laugh hahah

maelily15 · March 2015

Mine is constantly asking how I manage to sleep through our daughter kicking me all night. He just can't believe that I've grown so accustomed to the feeling that it doesn't phase me anymore. He too was surprised that babies hiccup in utero. But I think the item that took the most explaining was why I'm setting up interviews for a pediatrician. He's from a military family and constantly saw different doctors. He's slightly baffled at the idea of having a regular provider. His words : "Won't we just take her to whoever is available?"

Sarah04Marie · March 2015

Haha love this thread and all of your husbands' shananagans! Me to DH: Baby T has been head down since 23 weeks and now I'm high risk for pre term labour. I think he's going to be a lot like you. Always in a rush to get to where he's going. Always on time or early. I hope he stays head down and doesn't flip! DH to me: WELL if he's anything like his momma he'll take a wrong turn, run a red light, and end up lost!

ashleylane66 · March 2015

@colemarie07 your husband needs to go back in time and tell my husband that. With my first daughter him and my sister slept through over half of my labor (3days) and had fast food in front of me... On day two I lost it about the food and day three I made the nurse come hit him with a pillow for sleeping

slipsintothesea · March 2015

This past weekend was my shower and my husband's brother and some of our friends took him out for a dadtchler party to celebrate him becoming a dad during my shower and into the evening. My husband was pretty drunk and apparently told the guys how gross pregnancy is and that he felt really bad for me because of everything I've been going through. Lol, he told them how he feels so bad when I have to roll myself out of bed several times at night to go pee and then started to worry about how he would get me to the hospital if I started to go into labor because my mucus plug fell out last Thursday. Those poor guys got an earful..... When he got home (still pretty drunk, lol) I was in bed and he woke me up to see if i needed help getting up to pee and he asked if I thought the baby was coming tonight with a huge smile on his face.

colemarie07 · March 2015

@ashleylane66 Haha sounds like he deserved it! If hubby tried to sleep or eat fast food in front of me while I can only have clear liquids and deal with contractions he would end up in the ER!

SDJohnson26 · March 2015

Last night hubby and I got back from our hospital tour and He was sitting on the bed so I went to sit on the bed and got one of those shooting pains in my hip that locked my leg and I fell onto the bed in agonizing pain and I started to cry so he came over to me and comforted me and when I finally regained my composure I started to giggle and he says yup you are definitely pregnant... you think I'm 36+1 with a big belly in the way and you just now realizing I'm pregnant lol at least he comforted me and laughed with me I love him dearly

mnharkcom · March 2015

I can't even read all of these because they are too funny. I'm dying at some of this.

juliaandpatrick · March 2015

I was just telling my husband how I just want to hold LO in my arms so he tells me to squat, shake my hips, and "let gravity do its thing"!

sacottrell16 · March 2015

So in lost my mucos plug the other day, just so happened to be after we had an arguement.
I was telling dh we needed to go to the hospital just in case, dummy says "are you sure its not discharge or you peed? Or maybe you just had an orgasm"
Smh, sometimes he thinks he's the sh!t.

ieles0531 · March 2015

I was looking for a purple dress for a wedding we are attending this weekend. As I come out of the fitting room he says, "don't get mad but you look like Barney." sigh.

colemarie07 · March 2015

ieles0531 said:
I was looking for a purple dress for a wedding we are attending this weekend. As I come out of the fitting room he says, "don't get mad but you look like Barney." sigh.

LMAO oh that's horrible but so funny!

mnharkcom · March 2015

@ieles0531 although that's horrible at least he was honest!

ieles0531 · March 2015

Hahaha I couldn't help but laugh. He is the king of foot in mouth! While TTC I started going to the gym and eating better...only to have him say, "hey babe, your ass isn't big anymore!" while we were in the middle of sexy time.

topaz7777 · March 2015

Me: Honey, they are sending me to L&D because I'm 4cm and having contractions to try to stop them

DH: ok I have DD

Me: you might want to get your mom to watch DD and come to the hospital

DH: you want me to stop cooking dinner??

Me:... seriously? You said an induction takes the fun out of things... this might be your chance to speed to the hospital.

guinevereis · March 2015

topaz7777 said:
Me: Honey, they are sending me to L&D because I'm 4cm and having contractions to try to stop them
DH: ok I have DD
Me: you might want to get your mom to watch DD and come to the hospital
DH: you want me to stop cooking dinner??
Me:... seriously? You said an induction takes the fun out of things... this might be your chance to speed to the hospital.

Omg!! What funny guys- I am impressed he was cooking dinner though.

How are you??

topaz7777 · March 2015

guinevereis said:

topaz7777 said:
Me: Honey, they are sending me to L&D because I'm 4cm and having contractions to try to stop them
DH: ok I have DD
Me: you might want to get your mom to watch DD and come to the hospital
DH: you want me to stop cooking dinner??
Me:... seriously? You said an induction takes the fun out of things... this might be your chance to speed to the hospital.
Omg!! What funny guys- I am impressed he was cooking dinner though.

How are you??

guinevereis doing good so far. No more excitement presently though I do feel like this baby is going to fall right out.

Kyoho2012 · March 2015

So I am currently 34+3. A few weeks back we had dinner at a friends house.
DH: Isn't that like your third plate of spaghetti?
Me: .... So? Your daughter is just extra hungry tonight.
DH: No. She's not hungry, you're hungry and eating everything in sight.
Me: -glares- You're getting very very brave lately, I suggest you watch what you say next.
DH: I don't need to, you can't catch me anyways

Ohh I wanted to strangle him. Lol he still made me laugh through the whole conversation though

And when this happened I could still catch him if I wanted to. I probably could now but I'm taking it extra easy because of risk of early labour. :P

gorguess72 · March 2015

I keep hearing from Dad "I need to rest, I haven't slept"....really you poor thing. I've been up 5 times to pee and twice to pace because of being uncomfortable and stuff = he was snoring every time. Poor guy Just doesn't get enough rest.
Ready to smother him with a pillow

mnharkcom · March 2015

I hurt my foot doing absolutely nothing so I'm blaming it on relaxin hormone. Anyways I'm texting my husband how it's been hurting for the past few days and he says "it's probably because your pregnant and the extra weight you're carrying"

Wrong answer buddy. He's lucky he's 8000 miles away and I can't be mad at him lol

AmandaDCarroll · March 2015

My husband and I were going to the store. The parking lot was almost completely empty, to which he says excitedly, "I love parking lots almost as much as I love you!" I wasn't legitimately upset by his comment, and he knows I was messing with him, but I just had to respond with "Did you just compare me to a parking lot?!"

mommybelanova · March 2015

While getting into the shower the other day, he smiles and says "Wow, your belly makes your boobs look a lot smaller!" ..... Awh, babe!

BabyIxolib · March 2015

I am SO furious, I'm not going into details but he called me AT WORK (not during lunch either) to discuss finances and was being a complete horses ass. He is deployed over seas and I have been doing everything on my own and the fact that he wanted to get into this "discussion" (fight) while I am 8 months pregnant, swollen, numb hands, miserable, cranky, tired (did I mention alone and on my own while he goes scuba diving tomorrow) and having contractions AND still working full time just blows my mind. Im disgusted hurt and angry. Ended up crying like a baby in my office praying no one walked in, I'm sure hormones have "nothing" to do with this either...
Just to clarify this was not a conversation that was "needed" or an emergency. I don't even want to call my mom or a friend to vent b/c it's so stupid.
*****Before someone jumps on me for complaining about finances or deployment please understand how hormonal I am right now, and tread lightly.

amt725 · March 2015

@BabyIxolib I feel your pain! My ex was out to sea for 8 months of my first pregnancy... I dealt with the same nonsense! Those conversations just send you over the edge when your hormones are flying and no ones there to take care of you when you're exhausted and working. So infuriating! The worst was having a colicky 2 month old by myself during a blizzard while he was sipping a piña colada on the beach of the Philippines. No matter what anyone says it's extremely frustrating! You can vent to me any time!

BabyIxolib · March 2015

@amt725 thank you so much!!!! I was so worried about saying anything but it's exactly like you said, it's nonsense and they are just soooo clueless!! I've done my best to not complain to him and I constantly try to keep everything on the "up and up" and prepared for him when he comes home and it's just like I'm sitting here falling apart going what about me?!?!? Thank you so much for your response!

slipsintothesea · March 2015

My husband was with me the first appointment I had where they check to see if you are dilated at all. Well, apparently it was a little tramatic seeing that because I found out from sil that he told his brother that the doc shoved her hand up there pretty far and he felt so bad for me. Lol, I had the paper sheet on that covers down to your knees so he couldn't see anything. Plus I'm pretty tall and my doc is short so to him it looked way worse than it actually was. Also, my bil asked my sil about why they do that and thank goodness my sil is a nurse and could explain to him that they don't really shove their arms up there, lol. Hearing him tell the story of what he saw is hilarious.

mnharkcom · March 2015

My husband and I were talking about our love for each other (lol) and he said he knows we will be together for the next 60 years. Well that's make us 82. I said well what are your plans for the 20 years after that when we turn 100? He says he doesn't know, maybe he will "buy" a 20 year old. I seriously wonder what goes through his head sometimes.

urbanfarrelly · March 2015

My husband asked how much weight I've gained since being pregnant (run. ...run now!) I told him 31lbs. He replies "really, that's it?" I of course got really upset and have always beensensitive about my weight. I'm sure he did t mean anything by it, but put that on the list of things to never correct a preggo on. Lol

kayla2412 · March 2015

BabyIxolib said:
I am SO furious, I'm not going into details but he called me AT WORK (not during lunch either) to discuss finances and was being a complete horses ass. He is deployed over seas and I have been doing everything on my own and the fact that he wanted to get into this "discussion" (fight) while I am 8 months pregnant, swollen, numb hands, miserable, cranky, tired (did I mention alone and on my own while he goes scuba diving tomorrow) and having contractions AND still working full time just blows my mind. Im disgusted hurt and angry. Ended up crying like a baby in my office praying no one walked in, I'm sure hormones have "nothing" to do with this either...
Just to clarify this was not a conversation that was "needed" or an emergency. I don't even want to call my mom or a friend to vent b/c it's so stupid.
*****Before someone jumps on me for complaining about finances or deployment please understand how hormonal I am right now, and tread lightly.

Im like one of those crazy patriotic people and i feel like if there was anything negative to say id be the one to think or say it but i feel like thats completely understandable although I've never been in your situation i am pregnant and i couldn't imagine doing it alone and then have everything going on and feeling flustered as it is just to have the person that is supposed to be there for you call to bitch... Hes not the pregnant one you have every right to feel how you do id be upset too!

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