Can Mom or MIL host baby shower?

Clobert · December 2014

Just curious. I've looked it up and it's kind of confusing. Everyone has different opinions, but I like that this board is super strict. Tell me what's correct! I'm not asking them to, but my mom seemed a little confused about it like she wasn't sure, but would like to. I've searched the boards and its a lot of special reasons why people are asking. I don't have any special circumstances and won't ask them to, but if they offer or ask me what I think I would just like to know where this board stands on what seems like a gray area. I should mention that I don't know the norm in my "circle" because I'm one of the first of friends/relatives to have a baby (I'm 28).

mellizzard · December 2014

I was pretty much in the same boat as you, as for not knowing the "norm." My best friend, step-mom, step-sister, and MIL all offered to throw me one amazing baby shower. I certainly was not going to tell them "no" - this was something special they wanted to do for me. My advice would be: if someone, regardless if they're family or not, is offering to take the love, time, and energy to throw you a baby shower, graciously accept it!

sschwege · December 2014

As pp said, it used to be a no-no, but that has sort of fell away and the general consensus seems to be that it's fine. My mother hosted one of my showers and my MIL our other one, so obviously I had no problem with it

Clobert · December 2014

Thanks! I'm assuming I shouldn't tell my mom that she can unless she asks again and really really wants to, but at least now I know what would be acceptable to potential guests.

ordinary1 · December 2014

In my circle it is usually the grandma to be that throws the shower. In my family it was always my mom. I never knew any different until coming to TB.

Designermomma · December 2014

My mom hosted my shower. She was the only one that offered. (Well I also had one at work hosted by co-workers) I was the first of my friends to have kids and the oldest sibling and cousin so no one knew the first thing about baby showers to host one except my mom. It was great!

dufferoo · December 2014

I don't think this board is generally "super strict" like you said, but if you want the strict/traditional/proper/Miss Manners answer: no, a family member should not host your shower. That being said, it is very common anyways,

Clobert · December 2014

dufferoo said:

I don't think this board is generally "super strict" like you said, but if you want the strict/traditional/proper/Miss Manners answer: no, a family member should not host your shower. That being said, it is very common anyways,

Sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just wanted a real answer and not the "do whatever you want and who cares what anyone thinks about you or your mom."

MrsPDX · December 2014

Its totally acceptable!

dufferoo · December 2014

Clobert said:

dufferoo said:

I don't think this board is generally "super strict" like you said, but if you want the strict/traditional/proper/Miss Manners answer: no, a family member should not host your shower. That being said, it is very common anyways,

Sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I just wanted a real answer and not the "do whatever you want and who cares what anyone thinks about you or your mom."

No offense taken! I just meant that if you want the strict answer, this isn't the place to look!

PrimRoseMama · December 2014

In my family we did not host for family members. We followed the super old school "no family member should host because it looks gift grabby" train of thought.

However, it's becoming more common. Common does not always equal acceptable, mind.

Neither my mom or MIL hosted my shower.

purple_2012 · December 2014

My mom is helping to throw my shower. The hosts aren't really in the financial situation to do so, so she has offered to take care of a few aspects of the shower. As long as someone offers, I don't think it matters who hosts your shower.

jlovesky · December 2014

The 2 showers I had were hosted mostly in part by my own mom and my MIL per them asking and wanting to. I guess we aren't huge on etiquette though so it was not something I had looked in to. I was happy to have them wanting to do it and they did get help from friends and other family members in getting them prepped and ready so the burden of it all did not fall just on them!

indianaalum · December 2014

I think it is fine. I think the old school rule is dumb. Personally, I think it would be alot to ask of a non-family member to host a shower for someone based on the cost is usually incurs.

thisbabysactingfresh · December 2014

sschwege said:
As pp said, it used to be a no-no, but that has sort of fell away and the general consensus seems to be that it's fine. My mother hosted one of my showers and my MIL our other one, so obviously I had no problem with it

@sschwege‌ this! My mother graciously offered and is so incredibly excited to host. When I mentioned this to MIL, in the context of letting her know we would be flying back east for the event and looking forward to seeing them again, MIL forcefully stated she wanted to throw her own shower (not too sure exactly how i feel about that but saying no seemed wrong too.)

Sooo anyways, my question is this, does my mother invite the MIL and vice versa? The showers are going to be within 7 days, possibly even the day after each other due to the fact we will coming from Cali to the east coast and can't stay as long as we would like. The two mothers live a little over two hours from each other if that is a factor. Thanks for the input ladies!

sschwege · December 2014

thisbabysactingfresh said:

As pp said, it used to be a no-no, but that has sort of fell away and the general consensus seems to be that it's fine. My mother hosted one of my showers and my MIL our other one, so obviously I had no problem with it
@sschwege‌ this! My mother graciously offered and is so incredibly excited to host. When I mentioned this to MIL, in the context of letting her know we would be flying back east for the event and looking forward to seeing them again, MIL forcefully stated she wanted to throw her own shower (not too sure exactly how i feel about that but saying no seemed wrong too.) Sooo anyways, my question is this, does my mother invite the MIL and vice versa? The showers are going to be within 7 days, possibly even the day after each other due to the fact we will coming from Cali to the east coast and can't stay as long as we would like. The two mothers live a little over two hours from each other if that is a factor. Thanks for the input ladies!

Typically you would not want your guest lists to overlap, the only exception being the grandmothers-to-be and sisters/SILs. So yes, I would extend the invitation to your mother and MIL for both showers.

teeveemom · January 2015

Honestly, I've never heard of anyone BUT a mom or mother-in-law hosting any kind of shower. Where I'm from, it's always the mom that hosts because showers are expensive. I'm from NY, we don't do the home shower thing (typically) and if we do, they are catered. Most of the time, it's a 3-4 course meal at a restaurant. I don't have siblings, but I can't see a friend ever doing that for me. That's a mom duty imo.

akanini · March 2015

@teeveemom I honestly agree with you on this one. My mom hosted my first shower 13 years ago and will host my second. I live in Brooklyn, NY and every child's birth is celebrated separately. I personally don't believe you should host your own shower or that it should only be for the first child. That's like saying the bride's parents pay for a wedding. Times have changed!

Unknown · March 2015

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akanini · March 2015

Having a first and one time shower depends on where you live. This has been discussed on this board already as well. To say that daughters are more independent is an opinion. My mom makes more money than me and because I'm her only child, she feels that's her duty to me as a mother. I'm not going back and forth on this because this can last forever and that's why I used the words "I agree or personally don't believe." Some feel it's fine to host their own shower, I don't. It's their opinion and everyone is entitled to one. I'm barely showing but the people who know I'm pregnant know I'm a mother already and keep asking me when is my shower. It's just expected within my circle of friends/family and where I live.

Unknown · March 2015

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akanini · March 2015

Opinion means a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

So there is no such thing as a right/wrong one.

gypsea1109 · March 2015

I am 23 years old, and all of my friends are the same ages (or maybe a year or 2 older). We are the first out of our group to be married and also expecting...my mom throwing and hosting my Shower was a no-brainer! My sister is also 18 years old, so there is no way she can handle it all on her own, but between her help and my mom's amazing house and backyard, my Shower will be great! My friends and siblings are just not in a place to host or throw a Shower!

Because of how close I am to my mom and sister (we are all best friends!), they've included me in planning! We will be doing several fun DIY crafts and making favors, and it's really great because I need something creative to focus on outside of work, while I am battling bad HG and being pregnant!

It's really about what works for you and your family! I see no issue with having your Mom throw your Shower! Or if you are close to your MIL, maybe she could throw it for you! (I am personally not close to mine, so I never ran into this situation!)

gypsea1109 · March 2015

akanini

THANK YOU! It's not constructive for people to be claiming that other's opinions or views are just bad or wrong.

gypsea1109 · March 2015

teeveemom said:
Honestly, I've never heard of anyone BUT a mom or mother-in-law hosting any kind of shower. Where I'm from, it's always the mom that hosts because showers are expensive. I'm from NY, we don't do the home shower thing (typically) and if we do, they are catered. Most of the time, it's a 3-4 course meal at a restaurant. I don't have siblings, but I can't see a friend ever doing that for me. That's a mom duty imo.

^^^THIS!

I had to specifically tell my parents NO COUNTRY CLUB, because literally no one we know ever has a home shower. It's always out somewhere and a fancy occasion. And the food is always catered if it is at someone's home. I could not imagine putting all the cost and responsibility on a friend or my 18 year old sister! That would be insane!

It's absolutely a mom, grandmom, aunt, etc., duty in my book. Mother-in-laws can be iffy, I personally don't connect with mine at all...so I would not really want her to have to host or throw a party for me.

Unknown · March 2015

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gypsea1109 · March 2015

Bliss+Berry said:

gypsea1109 said:

teeveemom said:
Honestly, I've never heard of anyone BUT a mom or mother-in-law hosting any kind of shower. Where I'm from, it's always the mom that hosts because showers are expensive. I'm from NY, we don't do the home shower thing (typically) and if we do, they are catered. Most of the time, it's a 3-4 course meal at a restaurant. I don't have siblings, but I can't see a friend ever doing that for me. That's a mom duty imo.
^^^THIS!

I had to specifically tell my parents NO COUNTRY CLUB, because literally no one we know ever has a home shower. It's always out somewhere and a fancy occasion. And the food is always catered if it is at someone's home. I could not imagine putting all the cost and responsibility on a friend or my 18 year old sister! That would be insane!

It's absolutely a mom, grandmom, aunt, etc., duty in my book. Mother-in-laws can be iffy, I personally don't connect with mine at all...so I would not really want her to have to host or throw a party for me.

Well you wouldn't be "putting the cost" on anyone and no one has to host unless they so choose. A baby shower is a gift that someone chooses to give you. It's not a burden or a duty. Nor is a shower an entitlement. Not everyone gets one.

You really do have a lot to learn about manners, etiquette and life, but you go on ahead and continue thumbing your nose at all the advice everyone had given you.

I think it's different in different families and areas. I literally have never heard of anyone but the mother or maybe great-grandmother throwing the Shower. It's not a duty, but where I am from, if mom doesn't throw you a Shower, you likely are not having one. Friends and younger cousins and siblings aren't going to be able to...

As for thumbing my nose at advice - I guess if advice was constructive, I could apply it to my situations. I am not the only poster here saying that mom throws the shower and home showers are not the norm. Maybe in your family, where you live, it's perfectly normal to have a home shower! It's just not like that everywhere! My mom hates to cook too, so catering is a must anyways! :P

Unknown · March 2015

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gypsea1109 · March 2015

Bliss+Berry said:

gypsea1109 said:

Bliss+Berry said:

gypsea1109 said:

teeveemom said:
Honestly, I've never heard of anyone BUT a mom or mother-in-law hosting any kind of shower. Where I'm from, it's always the mom that hosts because showers are expensive. I'm from NY, we don't do the home shower thing (typically) and if we do, they are catered. Most of the time, it's a 3-4 course meal at a restaurant. I don't have siblings, but I can't see a friend ever doing that for me. That's a mom duty imo.
^^^THIS!

I had to specifically tell my parents NO COUNTRY CLUB, because literally no one we know ever has a home shower. It's always out somewhere and a fancy occasion. And the food is always catered if it is at someone's home. I could not imagine putting all the cost and responsibility on a friend or my 18 year old sister! That would be insane!

It's absolutely a mom, grandmom, aunt, etc., duty in my book. Mother-in-laws can be iffy, I personally don't connect with mine at all...so I would not really want her to have to host or throw a party for me.

Well you wouldn't be "putting the cost" on anyone and no one has to host unless they so choose. A baby shower is a gift that someone chooses to give you. It's not a burden or a duty. Nor is a shower an entitlement. Not everyone gets one.

You really do have a lot to learn about manners, etiquette and life, but you go on ahead and continue thumbing your nose at all the advice everyone had given you.
I think it's different in different families and areas. I literally have never heard of anyone but the mother or maybe great-grandmother throwing the Shower. It's not a duty, but where I am from, if mom doesn't throw you a Shower, you likely are not having one. Friends and younger cousins and siblings aren't going to be able to...

As for thumbing my nose at advice - I guess if advice was constructive, I could apply it to my situations. I am not the only poster here saying that mom throws the shower and home showers are not the norm. Maybe in your family, where you live, it's perfectly normal to have a home shower! It's just not like that everywhere! My mom hates to cook too, so catering is a must anyways! :P

Just because something isn't what you want to hear doesn't mean it isn't constructive.

I understand what you are saying, but sometimes the posts on these boards seem like they are so out-dated in thinking. Being open minded and accepting different walks of life can be a really good thing. I know for me, I never knew about any of the weird etiquette rules surrounding Showers until I started checking out The Bump. Is it interesting? Sure! Does it apply to me? Not really! I come from a mostly vegan, family of belly dancers, and we are so non-traditional. I guess I never knew how many people were still super traditional!

And there is nothing wrong with that, it's just so apparent how defensive the more traditional moms and moms-to-be are, I feel like folks need to relax a little! Showers are a fun celebration of a new life!

Unknown · March 2015

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HaruhiChan · March 2015

I think in today's age, it's okay for the mom or mil to throw the shower--if offered by THEM. I don't think it's their duty or the mother to be's entitlement.

As for constructive advice, I'm hurt. I've offered pretty calm advice and tried to help in your other thread by staying somewhat neutral while still showing the other side and trying to help you find a way to work it out. Guess I just wasn't nice enough...

I give up then.

finchfeeder80 · March 2015

Wow, I really live in a different world. I've never been to a shower- wedding or baby that involved a restaurant or catered multi-course meal. They've always just been fun gatherings in someone's home with maybe a store bought fruit and/or veggie tray and some cooked at home hors d'oeuvres. It's interesting to see how the other half lives.

It was also neat to see the reasoning behind why it's ok for mom to host their daughter's shower. I knew it had become a more acceptable practice. My mom had originally offered to host mine, but then her sisters called and said they wanted to, so my two aunt's are hosting it. It's at my house, which I know is side-eye worthy, but no one else had the room for 15 or so people. I'm also more centrally located to the guest list than either of my aunts. Gives me a good incentive to give the house a good clean before baby gets here, though!

teeveemom · March 2015

finchfeeder80 said:
Wow, I really live in a different world. I've never been to a shower- wedding or baby that involved a restaurant or catered multi-course meal. They've always just been fun gatherings in someone's home with maybe a store bought fruit and/or veggie tray and some cooked at home hors d'oeuvres. It's interesting to see how the other half lives.

It was also neat to see the reasoning behind why it's ok for mom to host their daughter's shower. I knew it had become a more acceptable practice. My mom had originally offered to host mine, but then her sisters called and said they wanted to, so my two aunt's are hosting it. It's at my house, which I know is side-eye worthy, but no one else had the room for 15 or so people. I'm also more centrally located to the guest list than either of my aunts. Gives me a good incentive to give the house a good clean before baby gets here, though!

No one will give you the side-eye... Enjoy your shower - hope it's great and, catered or not, it's being with and enjoying the time with the people you love that really matters.

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