FTM, freaking the eff out! PLEASE HELP!!!

amberwaves777 · February 2015

im 38 weeks now and as I get closer to my due date I can't help but wonder what I will do to manage labor pain :-/ I've never been through this before being a first time mom but this is what I'm dealing with. I've wanted a natural birth, no meds, since day one but as time goes by I keep rethinking it because I already can't deal with the pain im having now. I know for a fact I don't want an epidural because I want to be able to feel how I'm pushing but at the same time I'm terrified of tearing and the pain being so intense that I'll end up wanting some type of medication. I know that most ppl will say to just do whatever feels appropriate and that it'll all be worth it but I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions or if you've been through this how did you go about it. Thanks to anyone that decides to provide any input.

elizalegs · March 2015

Good for you in assessing how you feel now instead of pretending those feelings aren't there and then getting surprised by them! It seems like some people upthread have given you some great pointers - I agree that Ina May's Guide To Childbirth is a MUST read and you can probably get it from the library or even ask around for a shared copy. Women love to share the wisdom they have attained with previous births

This is my second baby; with my first baby (six years ago), I was in a very similar position as you - I DEFINITELY wanted an intervention-free birth, I believed in natural childbirth but in terms of pain management I had no idea of what to expect. That's because few things really feel like labor feels! I will try and describe some of the sensations for you so that the "mystery" element can lessen, but the most important thing you need to remember is this: the more you fear it, the more it will hurt. Labor depends greatly on your emotional state. That's because a lot of when the baby decides to come and how your body react to it are dictated by hormones, which are sort of like little messengers running around the cells of your body! When your body senses that is in danger, it sends hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, which basically make you feel kinda crazy! So try and minimize things around you like bright lights, loud noises, insensitive questions... pretty hard to do in a hospital, but it can make a huge difference on YOUR ability to manage the sensations of labor. On the other hand, oxytocin (also called the love hormone) is absolutely critical for many functions of birth - ripening your cervix, helping the ligaments loosen, and keeping yourself calm. So if you can try and promote this feeling of being "in love", it can help your birth progress quickly and lessen the interpretation of pain. Remember - there is nothing to be afraid of. Your body NEVER will give you a bigger contraction than you can handle - as soon as you think it's too much, it will lessen and you'll have a break before the next one comes. Actually it's a perfect metaphor for motherhood! There is a lesson to be learned in labor.

Some people reject the title of labor but I personally don't have a problem with it - some people don't like the word "contraction" either, preferring things like, surges, rushes, waves. I do feel it's a lot like being caught up in a wave. Another way to think of it is this - remaining loose will help you stay comfortable. The more you try and resist the sensation of tightening, the more it will hurt. If you can really focus your energy on just being loose and open, your labor will progress more quickly and your body (and the baby) can do its job.

When you first start labor, it may feel a lot like period cramps. These cramps can increase in length, strength, and location - starting around your uterus but moving up and down into your back and even maybe your legs. So getting in water, after your cervix is dilated enough, can be really comforting. As any woman who's climaxed during lovemaking knows, there is a point at which you can be in absolute bliss, but too much pressure or touch can make bliss turn uncomfortable. So remember that being loose and open is key. The more you tense up, the more it can seem like pain. Remember that each contraction is bringing your baby closer to meeting you! Furthermore, this may feel like pain but it's important to remember that you are not being injured - it's more like the effort you exert when you are running a race or lifting weights.

After the baby has descended, you will eventually feel a lot of pressure and that is when you will get to start pushing - for most women, this is quite a relief! It actually feels very similar to passing a huge BM - because the baby's head is right next to your rectum, you may even think it's coming out of the wrong hole! (I did;) It's not, there's just a limited amount of space down there. Don't worry - skin is stretchy. Some women may tear a little bit, but if you can discuss NOT getting an episiotomy with your caretaker, do it... a tear in the skin does not damage the fibers of the muscles as much as a straight cut. If you're given enough time to labor and push on your body's terms, you may not even tear at all. (I didn't).

I hope some of this helps. I think the best thing you could start doing this late in the game is to really surround yourself with POSITIVE BIRTH STORIES. Don't fall prey to horrible Hollywood depictions of labor and delivery - a lot of times it really isn't that dramatic or helpful. There are documentaries such as The Business of Being Born. If you have the means, PLEASE consider hiring a doula - this is someone whose sole responsibility is YOU and your comfort during labor. That's it. She can stay with you at every step of the way and help advocate for you if you start getting pressure from the hospital to take drugs. It's pretty common for women to want a natural delivery and get talked out of it by a nurse/doctor. However, remember - all the benefits of natural delivery (like those mushy gushy love hormones that make us feel so nice) will get completely blocked when there are synthetic hormones being circulated in the blood stream. You have to stick to your guns to get a natural delivery, and a doula will provide much needed backup. Some may even work for a discounted rate if there is a legit financial need. Best of luck to you and your baby!

Christina80xoxo · February 2015

I'm sorry I'm not any help. I was induced last time, never progressed then had a c-section.
All I can tell you is your fears are totally normal. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.
Hopefully you get some good advice from someone who's been through it.
Good luck !

There's actually a thread where a lot of women discussed pain meds and natural birth. Good info on there

amberwaves777 · February 2015

@Christina80xoxo thank you so much for replying! if it's not too much to ask for could you direct me to the thread? If you remember which one it is. Id really like to get as much info on this as possible:/

TwinsCitiesMomma · February 2015

Read Ina May Gaskins, A Guide to Childbirth. This really helped me over any fears I had. Women have been having babies forever- it's a natural process and you will be okay, just need to change the way you think about labor, pain and what you see on tv. Whether you choose meds or not is your choice but either way, labor is nothing to be scared of- it's simply the next step to having your little sweet pea in your arms!! Good luck!

knottie93263eb66eeacb31 · February 2015

I am a FTM so I can't answer the whole mess vs none part but I will say that anytime I start to freak out about having the baby I sit down and re-read some of my childbirth books. I personally have the Mayo Clinics guide to healthy pregnancy. It's very no nonsense and specific as to what will happen during labor. For me this helps knowing from a medical perspective what will be happening at each stage so I can mentally prepare myself for the process. I also really want to try and go naturally but like you am scared of the pain, especially tearing. I know though that there are also localized pain options for things like tearing that I can utilize instead of a full epidural if I am able to handle the contractions and pushing.

KD32412 · February 2015

Did vaginal with no epidural for my first. It's not that bad. The pain doesn't last forever. I needed 3 stitches for tearing. Healed pretty quickly and hubby said after my recovery, everything felt the same "down there". You should try it, if you don't like it, don't do it again.

adelems · February 2015

Did my first natural epidural free , the pain was intense but I'm doing it again this time! (Baring any complications). It's intense but your body is designed to do this. You CAN do it. It'll suck during most likely but you forget quickly. You move on. The stitching afterward (which I think I got five) isn't really bad.. I don't remember feeling it. You feel very super human after and you have this beautiful baby to show for it!

I'm a sissy when it comes to pain. Straight up baby. I'm terrified of breaking a bone or pulling a muscle or twisting an ankle because of the pain. I avoid sports like skiing because of those fears. But your hormones kick in during labor and after. They give you the super human mom ability to bring that child into this world! Don't pay attention to the Hollywood movies where the women are freaking out during labor. I mean, that probably happens... But they exaggerate for entertainment value.

you can do it!!!

nicolerae90 · February 2015

Im on baby #3 and i still get scared for labor. Its natural. Ive had pretty good and easy labors with my other two..so im always like this is the one that is going to be the worst! Just try to relax....our bodies are meants for this

goosenpumpkin · February 2015

As far as the epidurals go, I've had pretty good experiences. As long as you lay off the extra dose as you get closer to being fully dilated, you can feel the contractions, pressure and when to push. So, if it comes to you feeling like you can't handle it without pain meds, just keep that in mind. I've attempted vaginal births a few times without meds and never made it. I'm making one more attempt at it this time too. Good luck to you!

corysgirls · February 2015

I'm on my 5th now and can tell you that you can have control with your epidural. If you decide to get one, you can let them know if it is too strong (aka dead legs) or if it's not enough. I like to be able to feel some, be able to wiggle my toes, etc. For me personally, I back off of it to where I can feel the pressure but not the pain and it has been wonderful. I know when to push, what muscles to use and am up out of bed normally within 2-3 hours after baby is born (if not sooner). And it may sound weird to some people, but having a mirror to watch your progress has been amazing as well. It's like you can see when you need to give it a little more effort and you get to see your baby being born.

pinkandbubbly · February 2015

I'm a first time mom and this is purely my opinion but I'm getting and epidural and I don't feel bad about my choice. Here's why: yes woman are designed to give birth and have been doing it for 1000 of years. But human beings like all animals on this planet are imperfect and humans have created medical interventions to improve our odds for other things, so why feel guilty about pain manage. For example I'm diabetic. 1000 years ago when woman were giving birth unassisted, diabetic people died bc they could not control their insulin levels and their glucose levels. Another example, if someone has tonsillitis and needs surgery they get pain relief. I know many may think the analogies are not the same and that I may be putting my child at risk. But I agree to disagree.

I love my child more than anything, and I'm sure I could suck it up and give birth pain med free, but if I don't have to be in pain I'm not going to be. Epidurals have been used for many years. The technique and medicine used has been studied and improve upon and I am confident that my baby is not at risk so I will be getting one.

So my advice to you is this arm yourself with real knowledge. Read medical based books on the topic like many of these other moms have suggested and make the decision that you are most comfortable and confident with and DONT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL BAD OR LESS THAN FOR WHATEVER CHOICE YOU MAKE. You obviously care about your child otherwise you wouldn't be worried,I have every confidence that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

adelems · February 2015

pinkandbubbly said:
I'm a first time mom and this is purely my opinion but I'm getting and epidural and I don't feel bad about my choice. Here's why: yes woman are designed to give birth and have been doing it for 1000 of years. But human beings like all animals on this planet are imperfect and humans have created medical interventions to improve our odds for other things, so why feel guilty about pain manage. For example I'm diabetic. 1000 years ago when woman were giving birth unassisted, diabetic people died bc they could not control their insulin levels and their glucose levels. Another example, if someone has tonsillitis and needs surgery they get pain relief. I know many may think the analogies are not the same and that I may be putting my child at risk. But I agree to disagree.

I love my child more than anything, and I'm sure I could suck it up and give birth pain med free, but if I don't have to be in pain I'm not going to be. Epidurals have been used for many years. The technique and medicine used has been studied and improve upon and I am confident that my baby is not at risk so I will be getting one.

So my advice to you is this arm yourself with real knowledge. Read medical based books on the topic like many of these other moms have suggested and make the decision that you are most comfortable and confident with and DONT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL BAD OR LESS THAN FOR WHATEVER CHOICE YOU MAKE. You obviously care about your child otherwise you wouldn't be worried,I have every confidence that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

I'm doing epidural free but this is all so true ^^^ do your research, but confident and stick to it!

lizard1892 · February 2015

Is gas and air available where you are? It doesn't get rid of the pain, just takes the edge off and the effects only last 30-45 seconds after you stop sucking it so your back in total control as soon as you want. You just just take a few breaths as the contraction starts and eases the pain.

StephUng · February 2015

The Ina May book recommended above is great! I read it cover to cover before my first. And I knew I was going to have a hospital birth with a dr, not a midwife, no birthing center. I also chose to get an epidural. But reading all the birth stories really prepared me for what labor would be like. I liked reading about women laboring in different positions (not just moaning in bed). I didn't even realize it at the time, but I got my preferred laboring position from diagrams in this book (squatting while hanging onto my husband's neck with both arms). I felt prepared after reading a lot of different perspectives and watching the videos in my childbirth class.

okieamy · February 2015

I'm a FTM too, so I have no experience (sorry). Here's what has worked for me so far... Reminding myself that my body is made to do this. Many women have babies every day & use various methods to do so.
I'm planning for a natural birth too, but I just keep reminding myself that if things go off plan that it's okay too.
Have you tried any coping devices, like breathing or meditation, to help you deal with the stress?

amberwaves777 · March 2015

Thank you sooooooo much to everyone that replied I feel very relieved and a lot more calm now after reading all the positive and supportive comments!

kerrililes · March 2015

I had an epidural with my first one as soon as they broke my water because of the pain. With my second, I wanted to go all natural. They had me on Pitocin but the contractions weren't unbearable.... until I went past 5. Once full labor started, I was begging for an epidural but one problem was they didn't have time. I delivered in 45 minutes. Yes, it was excruciating and I felt everything from her cutting me so I wouldn't tear, delivering the placenta, and then getting sewn up. After it was over, I felt accomplished and empowered although sore. Just remember that women had been delivering babies since women were made naturally and it is entirely possible. Our bodies were made to do this amazing thing.

Anljcollins · March 2015

I had an epidural that didnt work with my first and an epi that did work yesterday with my second. My second birth was 100 percent more amazing because I was not hurting and could enjoy the whole birthing experience. Being able to sit up and smile at 10 cm just blew my mind. When i delivered my first, I collapsed from exhaustion and the dr had to tell me to look at her! This time, I was able to take everything happening in.

hollyguidas · March 2015

I always say to people would you get a tooth pulled without a shot? It's going to hurt without meds absolutely ...this is my second baby and the epidural saved my life lol!!! My contractions where terrible !!!! People say negative things about the epidural but the stress and pain without it can't possibly be healthy for the baby either ... I would say get the epidural decide that now before your in the room screaming for it and it's to late

ngolimento · March 2015

hollyguidas said:
I always say to people would you get a tooth pulled without a shot? It's going to hurt without meds absolutely ...this is my second baby and the epidural saved my life lol!!! My contractions where terrible !!!! People say negative things about the epidural but the stress and pain without it can't possibly be healthy for the baby either ... I would say get the epidural decide that now before your in the room screaming for it and it's to late

The way people approach birth is completely their own choice, and each path is completely valid as long as it leads to a healthy delivery. People should not feel that they are doing something dumb by forgoing the epidural, nor should they feel like a failure for getting one.

secretbaba · March 2015

Well said @Peledreamsofrain

BabyFlax3615 · March 2015

After just giving birth two days ago .... just know that sometimes things don't go to plan. I had to be induced since my water broke and I had no contractions. The inducing brought on painful contractions!! I did opt for the epidural and they turned it off while I was pushing so I still had the urge to push minus the intense pains. So there is that for your question about the urge to push. My biggest suggestion is just decide while it happens and beforehand just educate yourself as much as possible. I was also so nervous beforehand but while it happens you just channel an inner strength. My husband was my rock and the nurses are so helpful and encouraging too. I hope everything goes well for you and baby! I am holding my baby as she peacefully sleeps and I write this ... it's so worth the reward in the end.

Thoward1968 · March 2015

I'm not going to lie but labor is simply awful. I can tell you that if they don't induce in any way, your body has time to acclimate to the contractions. I was given drugs to help me dilate. This made the contractions come on really strong and fast, not giving me time to prepare. It was simply awful. The pain is so intense that your mind really helps you cope by putting you in your own world. That is the best way for me to describe. When I did get an epidural 24 hours after labor started, I was so relieved.

goosenpumpkin · March 2015

Totally agree with thoward1968. I've labored a few different ways, and once with pitocin after my water broke and I had no contractions on my own and wasn't dilated. That was the only labor that had me literally passing out in between contractions and waking up again at the start of the next. That was the only labor experience that had me kind of testy too. I was good once I got an epi though. Not trying to scare anyone, but just be prepared for a very different type of labor than one that starts on its own, naturally.

Thoward1968 said:
I'm not going to lie but labor is simply awful. I can tell you that if they don't induce in any way, your body has time to acclimate to the contractions. I was given drugs to help me dilate. This made the contractions come on really strong and fast, not giving me time to prepare. It was simply awful. The pain is so intense that your mind really helps you cope by putting you in your own world. That is the best way for me to describe. When I did get an epidural 24 hours after labor started, I was so relieved.

jsaum · March 2015

I agree with a lot of moms on here educate yourself as much as possible about natural birth, tearing, risks, epis, there's no shame in getting meds if you simply can't take the pain. I think close to everyone plans on a drug free birth but you don't realize your pain tolerance until you're in labour. It's a completely different experience of pain. Our bodies are meant to do this and if you can find a meditation or relaxation technique to help you cope more power to you. If not, save your energy go as far as you can and its there if you need it. Best of luck!!

elizalegs · March 2015

This really isn't a helpful comment for people seeking intervention-free birth. The way you choose to birth is your choice. Pain is subjective and the more you fear it, the more labor will hurt. Your comment seems to serve only to create fear, which is unnecessary.

emsillick · March 2015

Really very comforting and helpful but unfortunately I am being induced on Sunday which is not how I wanted this to go!

Will take on board waft you have said about your mindset and positivity though.

Thank you xx

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