Mom Dilemma

estefyp4 · February 2015

Ok so as my due date is approaching we are trying to figure out what to do with our toddler who is obviously not allowed in the hospital while I am getting a C-section anyways it would be great if my mom could visit but we would have to pay for her since she is not one for saving and cant really afford to buy her own ticket.. this is stressing me out because we have helped her with money before as loans but she has never even brought up paying us back (which my husband truly dislikes that she is trying to live a 'gipsy' lifestyle without the means to do it)

((See the thing is my mother is idolizing my sister and cousin's way of living since they are health coaches/yoga instructors/and overall successful hippies - they make good money and are building a very healthy/sexy/green lifestyle and business which for them works great because they are young and in the prime time of their lives to build for their futures)) my mother on the other hand is not in a position to really just be living this kind of lifestyle its just not practical at her age -which she simply replies with- you never know when your gonna die so why save- my reply 'what if you live to 100, what then?'.. anyways the help she would provide even for a week would be priceless but she is making it seem like WE are the ones in need so we should be able to fly her out without any issue.. (she also hasn't seen me or my son for almost 3 yrs. and constantly complains of wanting to see us)

we also just purchased a home and have put money into it and while we are not hurting for money the fact that we have we have to pay for her and help her with money is started to give me a heavy heart and my husbands tolerance is wearing thin ......So what I am looking for is what would you do in our situation?

Unknown · February 2015

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bbiutmcph · February 2015

If you are asking for her help and she can't afford to travel but is willing to help if you pay the answer is there. How she lives and the other details aren't really necessary. You need help but to get the help you are looking it it has a cost much like many things in life. As much as you might not personally agree with her choices that's not your life, it's hers. She could easily say you didn't need to update your house and if you hadn't you could pay for her travel easier. See how dictating others choices isn't fair?

saric83 · February 2015

Like PPs said, her coming out is for your benefit. If it makes your lives easier, and you can pay for it, just do it. Otherwise, if you don't have someone else to watch your toddler, start mentally preparing for do the c-section without your husband there.

PrimRoseMama · February 2015

estefyp4 said:
Ok so as my due date is approaching we are trying to figure out what to do with our toddler who is obviously not allowed in the hospital while I am getting a C-section anyways it would be great if my mom could visit but we would have to pay for her since she is not one for saving and cant really afford to buy her own ticket.. this is stressing me out because we have helped her with money before as loans but she has never even brought up paying us back (which my husband truly dislikes that she is trying to live a 'gipsy' lifestyle without the means to do it)
((See the thing is my mother is idolizing my sister and cousin's way of living since they are health coaches/yoga instructors/and overall successful hippies - they make good money and are building a very healthy/sexy/green lifestyle and business which for them works great because they are young and in the prime time of their lives to build for their futures)) my mother on the other hand is not in a position to really just be living this kind of lifestyle its just not practical at her age -which she simply replies with- you never know when your gonna die so why save- my reply 'what if you live to 100, what then?'.. anyways the help she would provide even for a week would be priceless but she is making it seem like WE are the ones in need so we should be able to fly her out without any issue.. (she also hasn't seen me or my son for almost 3 yrs. and constantly complains of wanting to see us)
we also just purchased a home and have put money into it and while we are not hurting for money the fact that we have we have to pay for her and help her with money is started to give me a heavy heart and my husbands tolerance is wearing thin ......So what I am looking for is what would you do in our situation?

I would stop sticking my nose in my adult mother's financial business & making her financial situation about you...

Then I would either pony up the dough because you actually want to see the woman (vs just wanting free child care WTF?).

What would I do? Pay my mom's airfare so I could see her & enjoy her company.

Unknown · February 2015

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orangecurls · February 2015

My mother and I have a similar situation, I frequently help out when she is in need. I try my best to not get upset and accept who she is (at times that is very difficult). But I enjoy my mother's company and want her to have a great relationship with her grandchildren, so I fly her out at least 4 times a year at my expense. She will be out at least for a month when my 3rd child is born. She is a great help with my preschoolers, making sure I'm comfortable, cleaning the house and making meals.

If you don't have any other options with childcare, then you do need her. So pay for her flight. (And try to let go of animosity, and cherish the time you have with her.)

Or find a drop-in day/night care, friend, other family member or consider DH watching your child.

KonaCoffeeBean · February 2015

You need a big favor and you're upset that your mom can't just drop a few hundred dollars to do that favor for you? Seriously?

estefyp4 · February 2015

orangecurls said:
My mother and I have a similar situation, I frequently help out when she is in need. I try my best to not get upset and accept who she is (at times that is very difficult). But I enjoy my mother's company and want her to have a great relationship with her grandchildren, so I fly her out at least 4 times a year at my expense. She will be out at least for a month when my 3rd child is born. She is a great help with my preschoolers, making sure I'm comfortable, cleaning the house and making meals.

If you don't have any other options with childcare, then you do need her. So pay for her flight. (And try to let go of animosity, and cherish the time you have with her.)

Or find a drop-in day/night care, friend, other family member or consider DH watching your child.

@orangecurls -thank you for understanding the situation for what it is..
I am not upset that I am asking my mom for a favor and having to pay for it..it's just gotten harder for me to be less 'involve' in my mother's business when she tells me she's going out and spending money frivolously yet it's hard for her to save money to come visit us -not only help- (or pay us back for that matter) I mean for the most part it seems most parents out there are eager to fly out for an ocassion such as a new baby, even my in-laws wouldn't have trouble flying out to see us (but my H dosent really get along with his parents so he would preffer my mom over his.. although he's not happy about her money situation and how she chooses to handle our loans) reguardless I'm just stressing a bit and I'm surprised to see so many responses that make it seem like I am being ungrateful

.. I feel like I am just looking at it from a 'comparing' point of view as in I'm comparing my mom to many others whose life are obviously very different..

PrimRoseMama · February 2015

"it's just gotten harder for me to be less 'involve' in my mother's business when she tells me she's going out and spending money frivolously yet it's hard for her to save money to come visit us -not only help- (or pay us back for that matter)..."

-- she can tell you whatever she wants about her financial business.

-- stop loaning her money. Think of any money you give out as a gift.

-- again how & what she spents her money on is not your business.

" I feel like I am just looking at it from a 'comparing' point of view as in I'm comparing my mom to many others whose life are obviously very different.."

-- don't do that & don't do that to your kid later either. Every relationship & situation is unique. If your mom can't afford a trip out there it has nothing to do with how she feels about you or the new baby.

Money is a PITA. Because she is an adult she doesn't have to justify or explain her choices to her offspring about how she spends her money. If you are butthurt about not getting loans back then stop giving her money.

secretbaba · February 2015

My mum is appalling with money, she's even worse than me and my husband controls our finances. He gets really wound up at her, but that hasn't stopped us coming to an agreement about getting her here. Saving for a baby, we can't afford to fly her out to us, so we've given her the air miles and she's chipped in the taxes. It's our gift to her, not a loan, and it's because I want her here with me. If she couldn't have afforded the taxes, and we can't either, then she wouldn't have been able to come - but I never would have made her feel bad about that or vice versa. She's a grown woman who makes her own choices, questionable though they may be to me. My point here is that if you want your mum there, you should work to get here there. She shouldn't have to do that herself.

Unknown · February 2015

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maelily15 · February 2015

Loss mentioned: I think what you need to really consider besides the money is your own relationship with your mother and your children's. I lost my mom when I was 20 and I was close to her. I didn't always agree with some of her personal decisions and I still struggle with her loss every day but I would give nearly anything to have her here with me for this experience of being a first time mom. I miscarried very early last year and it was indescribably difficult to get through that without her support. I think you really should look inside yourself and find out if having her there to support you and your family is worth the cost of a plane ticket. And anytime you give a family member money, treat it as a gift and not a loan. Because inevitably somebody won't pay you back and it creates issues like the one you're going through now. Good luck with your delivery and regardless of how everything works out about your mom, just make sure to enjoy your little ones.

sunnyday016 · March 2015

I think the answer is you just ask a close friend/neighbor/other relative to help you out if you don't want to pay her way. If you want it to be your mom, then pay for her to come. None of the other details of your post matter at all.

morilond · March 2015

To the original poster --- I think the underlining problem may be that you're hurt your mom isn't making more of an effort or showing you a want to come out and see your children. I have a feeling money really isn't the main issue. I'd be hurt too and I honestly couldn't imagine a grandmother being that way, because I'm lucky enough to have a mother who I couldn't force to stay away. I truly feel for you as I'm sure it breaks your heart. I think the hardest thing is to be able to accept those we love for who they are and stop trying to change them. Maybe flying her out and spending some time with her will help you heal your relationship. I do agree with some of the other posters (although they were extremely harsh!) that if you do you probably shouldn't expect her to pay you back. Her being there will serve the purpose of helping with your toddler ---but also getting to know him, your new baby, and seeing you.

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