Hello everyone, kind thoughts, advice or experiences are much appreciated. :-)
Our
precious little boy just turned 3 less than 1 month ago. I have been
in tears trying to decide what to do and how to help him the best way I
can. At home, with friends and family he is a pleasant, playful and
kind child. He follows directions at home, potty trained himself at 2.5
and is extremely smart and playful - a JOY to be around. He listens
& interacts as he "should" as mentioned on the developmental
guidelines that I've read (other than an expressive speech delay).
The
issues that we're having is that he is delayed in speech (although
doing much better with great progress over the past 6 months), and also
some sort of social anxiety (not diagnosed, just noticed in certain
situations). It is difficult to explain but I will do the best I can.
With any situation where he feels uncomfortable (doctor's offices and
other places where he is being evaluated, sometimes even large groups)
he will hug me and not participate or simply cry until we leave. He is
extremely stubborn and usually will not give in no matter how hard we
try. I know this is not always considered "normal" behavior for a child
at 3, but at home and out in public places (park, science center, zoo,
most other places) he is fine. We have play dates with other children,
go to the pool daily in the summer, have kids over our house, etc...and
he does fine around others, interacts and plays. Sometimes becomes shy
and stubborn, but that's just his personality at times. Overall pretty
good though.
We recently started him in preschool based on his
IEP to help him do better with situations that he doesn't want to
participate with. He would cry for hours until I returned. I pulled
him out (not for that reason - although it BROKE my heart each time I
picked him up). We removed him because when I would arrive, he would be
sitting at the table with nothing in front of him, tears in his eyes,
teachers sitting nowhere near him - not interacting at all. They didn't
use the picture schedule or help him in the ways that he needed while
there. My husband and I were planning on moving him to another
preschool but thought it might be better to start him in the fall.
We're due in march with our new little one and we're afraid it might be
too much change for him at once.
Today I tried to start him in
speech (which is the only real thing that I was concerned with). We had
our appointment this afternoon and the therapist said she would not
work with him until he was evaluated for a developmental delay. I
literally started crying, that was the first person who mentioned that
to me. I've had him in early intervention for speech since he turned
2. While at speech today he was shy and refused to play with her toys.
This is how he gets at most offices, when I asked him why he acted that
way his response was "wanna stay home, mum." As soon as he got in the
car, he was fine! Smiling, happy and talking. We went home and I cried
to my husband as he ran around and played with his brother.
Here
is the problem I'm having, I KNOW what will happen when I go to get the
developmental screening. They will shut the door to start, he'll say
"no" and refuse to participate (as usual). Then they will want him to
go to more therapy which he hates and the cycle will continue. I've
seen progress with him in the past year with these situations that he is
uncomfortable with, he is getting better. In my eyes it wasn't a
"problem", he has a stubborn personality -- all kids are different,
right? It is my hope he will continue to grow out of this.
Just a
note - some of you may be thinking why start speech but not preschool?
Here is why - preschool was 3.5 hours twice a week and speech is only
1/2 hour twice each week. He is also familiar with receiving speech
(although this was a new office that we were starting). I thought it
would be an easier adjustment for him and also he has about an 8 month
speech delay and this was my true worry.
In my eyes every child
is different and will develop in their own way. I don't want to harm
him by putting him in preschool when we're already having a ton of
change with the new baby and also if he's not ready (which in my heart I
don't feel that he is). I also don't want to deny him
therapy/preschool if he truly needs it. I see the entire picture of him
where the therapists only see him when he is upset and unwilling to
participate in these tests.
Both sets of grandparents were
shocked that the therapist today even mentioned needing a developmental
screening (because they see him like I do). It's shocking to those who
know him, but I see him at the doctor's offices so I have a better
understanding of how he acts in these situations.
My heart
tells me to wait on preschool until the fall but continue with speech
services, allowing him to mature for the next 6 months before trying
preschool again.
This is really hard for our family, I appreciate your advice! :-)
Re: Speech issue and difficult decisions to make
PP above gives great advice ^^
I'm not in your position but I have a very shy, stubborn toddler as well who is about to turn 3. He used to cry and completely breakdown in new situations, or even around family he sees all the time. I would have to take him into the other room until he could calm down but even then, I couldn't put him down.
My son has since grown out of this but I do agree with you that all kids are different and they develop differently so this might be something he outgrows.
What does your Pedi say about all this? I think any and all evaluations that are offered could be beneficial to get. It's better to rule something out than not know about it IMO. I know your heart is telling you one thing, but I would listen to medical professionals on this. Can you get a second opinion? I know you are scared, but maybe you should go ahead and get the evaluation for a developmental delay.
This must be so hard for you, I can only imagine. Good luck to you.
I totally agree with the evaluations being helpful, but my husband and I are hesitant because in the past 2 months he's had two different new appointments and we're pretty sure he'll act out on this one. If he refuses to participate in the eval they're going to suggest more therapy and this will increase his anxiety. This is why we decided to tackle the speech first for a little and then move on if the issues are still there. It's unfortunate that the sessions meant to help him are the main things stressing him out...that's our problem. :-(
He's been to the pediatrician and the doctor has seen him many times at his worst, I've asked if he's concerned with the behaviors and he said that it seems to be his personality. He didn't suggest that anything would be wrong otherwise. Up until the speech therapist the other day (who had only known him for 30 minutes at the time she told me to get the evaluation - I haven't heard that from anyone, and believe me, I've asked!)
I have to follow my heart, I'm 100% in for getting therapy he needs, but I also know some kids need time to mature and I've seen a lot of progress as he's gotten older so far. I'm trying to tackle one thing at a time and not totally overwhelm him.
Thanks again!!
I'm going to watch him with caution, right now it just doesn't seem like therapy is needed or would be helpful...it might be the opposite for him and make things worse. Maybe he'll need it in the near future though, I'm not ruling it out.
Thank you again. :-)
DS was evaluated at home with his own toys and some of their activities. It was in our living room with mom and little brother in the baby swing. Of course strangers make things a little uncomfortable but it's better than an office setting especially if that is something he struggles with.
DS did twice a week for 45 minutes in a classroom for a summer. It was once a week for 2 hrs in a classroom with some services at daycare and home the next school year. He did the same program over the summer and morning preschool for 3 year olds this school year. It is a 50/50 classroom so half the kids have some sort of delay (most are speech) and half are typically developing. It is wonderful. He gets to be around other kids and they understand some of his needs.
It seems to me that you don't have a developmental delay as much as anxiety. I think some structured time without mom might help, but it's hard with another one on the way. We didn't do any big changes for #1 for 3 months before #2 was born. We are trying the same thing now that #3 is set to arrive soon. If your pedi doesn't think there are developmental delays, you should be fine. You would probably notice those before age 3.