PAL / Rainbow Baby Question

stefuge · January 2015

So I have a question for you ladies who have had a rainbow baby - would you do it again?

See MH and I had been planning to try again for another baby, then tried for a couple months this past fall with no pregnancy, and then have taken a couple months of TTA for our own timing of life and things but feel like next month (February) we would be ready to try again, and I don't know if I want to. I am so nervous. A really close friend IRL had a scare yesterday (she is expecting a little girl in February) and just hearing about it nearly sent me into a panic attack last night and has left me crying or near tears all day today and I honestly don't know if I could survive 9 months of that.

So, my question is, for those moms who have brought home their rainbow baby, would you do it again? Not is it worth it, because I know it is. Just, knowing what PGAL is like, would you go through it all again? Because I feel like, especially after the past 24 hours with my friend, that I may not be up to it. And as much as I want another baby, I don't know if I can do it all again and maybe life would just be okay as is. And I realize that the stuff going on with my friends pregnancy is strongly clouding this, but I would like to hear your thoughts.

jonahsma · January 2015

PGAL was very hard for both Dh and myself. Every single day was a struggle. I didn't know how I was going to get through the next day. But I did. It was a long 9 months with plenty of breakdowns and panic attacks.. We both agreed that Mia would be our last baby. So when she was born we proceeded with a tubal ligation. With two losses in 14 months, I couldn't do it again. I just felt like with each pregnancy my risk was higher for loss. With Mia I just saw my reg ob I didn't see a specialist.If you decide that you want to ttc again will you be seeing a specialist due to your history? If so i'm sure you're going to be very well taken care of from the beginning. Ask a lot of questions at your appointment (i'm sure you have them all listed) If you really really feel it in your heart then go with it. It's ok and perfectly normal to feel afraid.I will keep you and your family in prayer ((hugs))

mrswheelo · January 2015

Am I on the wrong board? Wouldn't this question be more appropriate for the parenting or pregnant after a loss board?

mrswheelo · January 2015

I may just be being overly sensitive, I just didn't expect that. The title is probably enough warning in itself. I also misread/misunderstood what OP was asking when I read the first time. I'm not on those boards, so I wasn't aware the the bumptastrophy had hit there. It's sad that the support isnt there anymore.

angelsnight · January 2015

Ticker warning

Pgal is very hard, I had good days and bad. Surprisingly more good than I expected. It was hard though, I had a bleeding scare at 5 weeks and was certain it was over. That's not to say I wouldn't have been sad, especially if it had happened later on, but when I thought it was over at 5 weeks, I cried, but I accepted it. I feel like after what I had been thru, my heart had put up a wall and I would have been ok. Now another later loss would have been another story.

I ended up calling my doctor around 18 weeks, worried about something, used my Doppler a lot, found great solace thru frequent cervix checks, and ended up in l & d twice before I ended up giving birth.

To answer your question, yes I would do it all again. I knew I just had to have at least one living child, so for us, risking our worst fear over again was worth it for the final payoff.

However I am in a similar spot as you over having yet another. Two kids would be nice, but I'm just not sure I can go through the worry and stress again when I already do have one living child.

Honestly it sounds like you may not be ready yet. Can you wait a while longer? For me, I'll be 36 in may so I don't feel I have a ton of time to wait before we decide to have another, or decide were done. But if you feel you have the time, I say take it. I've heard before that you know you're ready when your desire for another child outweighs your fears. The fears will never go away, but they can be lessened when you're really ready.

My best advice, if you do try again is make sure you have a doctor who is supportive, and understands you're going to be very nervous and worried. You'll need to know you can call your doctor whenever and as often as you need to, to calm any fears you have.

Good luck with your decision. I know deciding between having your rainbow and having another after your rainbow isn't the same, but I can somewhat relate to what you're feeling and I know it's a hard decision to make. Big hugs!

CheesyPeas · January 2015

My history is 10 week loss, then my rainbow, then my 24 week loss, so I can't really speak to your exact question but thought I would share my thoughts all the same. I'm not to the scary stage yet with this pregnancy (it's strange to consider the first trimester the less scary stage when it's so the opposite of how most people feel) but at this point, I still feel it's all going to be worth it because I have hope. I have anxiety and fear and moments of panic and know that that's going to get increasingly worse as the pregnancy progresses but I also have the hope that things can go right. They have gone right before so surely that can happen again. And if things do go right again, that will just solidify those feelings.

If things don't go right though, I'm done, and I've known that since the beginning. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't consider other routes to building our family but I know that it means I would never carry another child. That's the point where the risk/reward trade-off becomes too steep for me. That's where the fear of another loss outweighs my desire to carry and deliver a healthy child. I think you just have to find where that line is for you. I can only imagine how much your scary experience with Landon contributes to this all as well. You don't have the trouble-free happy pregnancy that I had with my first rainbow to give you comfort. I know that that would make my decision so much harder, and I just want to offer you my ((hugs)). I hope you're able to find some peace and confidence in whichever decision you make.

stefuge · January 2015

***DS1 mentioned***

First off, thank you ladies for all of your opinions!

@jonahsma‌ - I know I would be considered high risk, but I think part of my anxiety is that my OB moved away and I am still trying to find a new doctor, so what I had thought would be "the plan" for a future pregnancy is kind of up in the air at this point. Thanks for the prayers!

@Happyin14‌ - I think that is good advice - that there were a lot of good pregnancy days to help balance out the fear. Need to focus on that!

@mrswheelo‌ - I apologize if this post offended or upset you. I felt like posting PAL in the title indicated that living children would be mentioned. I also posted here, like happyin14 said, because I know the ladies here and my question really related to late term losses, whereas the PAL and PGAL boards tend to have a lot of early term loss moms, and it just seems different to me. Again, I never meant to upset anyone so I'm sorry if I did.

@angelsnight‌ - I think that is part of my debate - we do have a living child and our life is very full with him. I do think I would feel different if Colton had been our first, and I can see our life right now and it is good. Also, thank you for the advice about my doctor. My OB recently moved away and so I am searching for a new doctor and hope to find one who will be the support I know I would need. There are days when I feel like we need to get pregnant now or we will run out of time, but you're right, I may need to take some more time.

@CheesyPeas‌ - I have had a similar feeling - that if we get pregnant, whether we bring home a baby or not, it would be our last. And my experience with Landon's pregnancy and birth definitely influences my feelings - we still don't know why he had complications, if they were related to Colton, or anything. And that scares me that with a third child we could find the missing link between all three. Thanks for the ((hugs))!

stefuge · January 2015

@mmandm603‌ - thank you for sharing your experience. I also had a placental abruption and they couldn't find a reason or cause or any warning signs for if it were to happen again, like you said. I think that makes me worry even more. So many moms feel relief when they get past the first trimester, and I feel like I would worry more and more as the pregnancy progressed. I'm happy for you that you are at peace about it.

Bayberry12 · January 2015

I had my rainbow almost 9 months ago. It took us a while to have successful pregnancy after Stella died. I was worried the whole pregnancy, but had a very understanding OB, she saw me more often, I was also monitored by MFM with twice weekly NST's. It was still hard, I went to the hospital several times because I was so worried about lack of movement.

Then came the induction, and that ended with an emergency c-section because his hart rate droped was not coming back up. The whole time I was on the table I was just waiting for them to tell me the baby didn't make it. I never believed he was going to come out alive, I didn't bond with him during the pregnancy. I just couldn't.

Right after I had him, I didnt think I could go through another pregnancy ever, but after some time, I do want to try again. Hopefully soon. I know it will be stressful, especially delivery.

I dont think the fear ever really goes away, but you just kind of live with it and take it one day at a time. There will be breakdowns, but there will be joy and the hope of a positive outcome and that's what kept me going.

jess123456 · January 2015

Late to this thread but wanted to add that I would do it again too. It's so stressful and caused me so much anxiety but now that I have my rainbow baby boy here I would do it again. I always assumed I would be done after my rainbow because of our recurrent losses and the 4.5 years it took to get him here. Due to my history it's hard to assume that I could even physically have another baby at home but I think it will be worth trying for at some point (maybe a couple of years). What my son has taught me is that there is always hope even when you never think it can be possible.

kz's_girlygirl · January 2015

Our rainbow just arrived so things are still fresh for me which may be clouding my stance on this- but I don't think I can make it through another pregnancy and remain sane. For most of my pregnancy (especially the 1st and last weeks) I was teetering a fine line.

Jesse was my first baby and first pregnancy so like a pp, all I knew was loss. Most days of my pregnancy with Piper I would have awful fantasies (not good ones, or wishes- just weird imaginings) that she was dead and I just didn't know it yet. I would have to stop what I was doing and use my doppler until I found her heartbeat. Or I would poke and wiggle my belly until I was sure she was moving. I was afraid to go places in case my water broke again.

I was lucky to have sympathetic mfm's and had appts every 2 wks, u/s at every appt., but I still found myself in tears to my dr on the phone, or in triage on l&d at least once a month bc I was incredibly anxious and convinced myself that I had infections/contractions/spotting (which I had throughout the entire pregnancy) she was dead/etc.

I am beyond grateful to the universe that she got to come home with us so I dont 'have' to go through it again- if she hadn't, our plan was to keep trying until we used all of our frozen embryos and then consider the journey over.

mmsweeney1 · February 2015

I will say that my pregnancy after our loss was hard every single day, but I would still do it again. I am actually hoping to do it again soon! I agree with @angelsnight to work on finding a great doctor. Mine gave me her cell number and said call for anything. I did call her probably 4 times and it was really nice to have her there when I was really scared or questioning something. @mmandm603‌ has a good point too. Maybe I was willing to go through pregnancy again because we knew what the cause of my stillbirth was. We had a plan to monitor me and deliver the baby if any issues developed again. It's such a tough decision, good luck and thinking of you.

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