Feeling Lonely (But I'm Not Alone)

jerseymack23 · January 2015

I realize I am complaining, and I realize or this may sound dramatic. I am hoping for suggestions or guidance.

My husband comes to every RE appointment and offers encouragement and support, but I don't feel like he gets it. I know he is sad that we don't have kids and are struggling, but it's different. I feel like I am emotionally AND biologically devastated.

I posted on the boards a couple weeks ago about his younger sister- who doesn't have a job or a significant other, lives with her mom, etc.- who announced her surprise pregnancy to us by asking us to be the godparents on Christmas morning (which led to a huge breakdown). Today, that sister texted my DH to ask if we made a decision because we never answered.

He showed me his response before he sent it, and it was basically "we feel too guilty not having enough time with our other 2 godchildren, and once we have children, we will have even less time. So we don't think we should- unless you're really set on it." I told him NO! No unless. Just NO. It's way too hard. Which led us to a mini argument.

I know I can't "be mad" about his sister getting pregnant "by accident", but it's so frustrating when you tried to do everything "the right way" yet we're the ones struggling to have a baby.

I know my husband understands some things, but he doesn't seem to understand everything I'm feeling or thinking. I feel like I am going through this alone- even though he's there with me and making a serious effort.

Any suggestions?

LindseyM2012 · January 2015

This is a really hard aspect about IF that a lot of us deal with. You "shouldn't" be mad about a surprise pregnancy, but you are. You "shouldn't" feel alone because your married to what sounds like a wonder and supportive man who is there for you, but you feel lonely. Sometimes you may even think to yourself that people "should" be there for you in a specific way, but you can't identify what that specific way is because you haven't experienced anything that helps you. This word "should" gets us in a lot of trouble because it puts us in a world of ideals rather than what "is".

You husband may be there for you and it sounds like he is making every possible effort, but he will never be able to REALLY, REALLY understand and feel the devastation you feel because he is not a woman who does not have a baby growing in her. Know this fact that he will never feel what you feel because his biology is different. Know this and appreciate how he is trying to be there for you.

Another thing I really suggest is to get active on this board. Being able to talk to ladies in similar situations has been my SAVING GRACE since I got my diagnosis. People here have been here for me when I'm not doing so well and have cheered me on when I am doing well. Being able to help educate newly diagnosed ladies and say something I hope will bring some comfort really help me get through the day.

bookworm40 · January 2015

No real advice. Just wanted to say you are not alone, I know we are all here to listen. Also, has he read "what he can expect when she's not expecting"? I bought it for my husband and it really helped.

MustangChic · January 2015

****pregnancy mentioned****

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are not alone. Brutal honesty? It sounds like you have a very understanding DH like my own and like me are just upset with the situation as a whole. Unfortunately our feelings need somewhere to go and sometimes we jump on what I like to call the IF "crazy train." I actually have a frequent rider pass when it comes to situations like this! Lol It's next to impossible to be happy for somebody else who wasn't trying when we are trying so hard.

Don't forget that he is also his own person and you don't know what he is feeling or thinking. We each handle things in our own way. Not until after I broke down a couple of times in the beginning did I really find out how my DH felt. Yes he was SUPER supportive of me and our situation from day 1, but it took him telling me how jealous he was of our very best friends that are expecting and how he wants that just as bad for me to really grasp how he was feeling. He was keeping it together for ME. Boy did I feel humbled.

I hope you feel better and that his sister is fine with your decision!

Emy426 · January 2015

I totally understand. And you have every right to feel that way. I am in the same situation. Everyone around us is pregnant or has children. Our families bring it up all the time. And I really just don't want to talk to them about it. Sometimes I want people to talk to me about it so I don't feel so alone and know they understand, but then again I really don't want to talk about it. So there's just no pleasing us I guess. My husband has a hard time showing motion, about everything. It makes it really difficult for me to feel supported. Even though he says he does, it's not enough. My younger cousin, is pregnant for the second time with no father, no boyfriend, living with her parents, no career, 25. I know the feeling of jealousy- how could she get this and I don't when I have done everything the right way and I'm ready for it. What makes it worse is the family events and the pictures on Facebook-the comments How everybody so excited for her. I am excited for her too, I guess. Ugh that sound horrible, right? I just don't feel like she's responsible or prepared for it, but she's happy and so is her family. It's just not fair. I feel like I sound like a terrible person. Not much to make you feel better @jerseymack23‌ but thought I would share so you know your not alone. We are here for you! I don't have any advice, but if any of you do, let us know!

theholmanherd · January 2015

*babies, pregnancies, children mentioned*

As PPs have said, you're not alone. I love my niece and nephew to death but being around them usually means other kids or family members I dislike with kids, so that tends to spoil the moment. The same happens with my younger cousins.

I have the added frustration of family nights at church. Sure, people say 'you and DH are a family; you can come' but (no offense to those not of this mindset) in my mind, we are just a couple. Not a family, and certainly not a family in the sense that fits into a church family night. And I'm so tired of people telling me otherwise.

Anyway, we are all in similar situations. So stick around and hopefully you can find solace in our board.

jerseymack23 · January 2015

Thanks everyone. This forum has already helped me so much.

@emy426 I am proud of you for at least pretending to be excited for her! I haven't spoken to or seen his sister or mom since "the announcement" on Christmas. I can't even fake it anymore.

@lindseym2012 you're totally right. All those "SHOULDS" and "SHOULDN'TS" are sticky.

@mustangchic you're right. My DH is awesome, and he said before he holds it together for both of us. It's almost like I need him to break down one time so that I don't feel in it by myself (that probably sounds weird).

@cupcakegal930 he actually read an article that author wrote- I think I'll get him the book as Valentine's Day gift!

@kbojo24 I think the pregnant dog would make me emotional too! There are so many emotional triggers. I was just in HomeGoods today and got all teary when they moved the nursery/ kids aisle so that I had to pass it. Ugh.

@theholmanherd I understand. I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews (and a couple step nieces/ and nephews)- all on my husband's side. I am really close to the 2 nephews- they are 2 and 4 and they stay at our house like twice a month. I love them, but I only want to spend time with them (again, I'm sure this sounds weird). I think it's because they came at a time when we wanted kids but weren't seriously trying (and didn't know we'd have problems). So I feel very bonded with them. I am so jealous and sad when I have to take them home- their mom has 4 kids (multiple dads, no marriage, no real job, etc.). Doesn't seem fair.

theholmanherd · January 2015

@jerseymack23, that's exactly how I feel! I got close to them before and right around the time I started to want kids, so I am super close to them.

Feeling Lonely (But I'm Not Alone)

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