S/O of
@k3am I'm toying with the idea of putting "no gifts" on DS bday invite. Or maybe something like "bring a book for the shelter" ??
But is that a bad idea? My thoughts are that we'll get him a bunch of gifts to open anyway (plus gparents and the friend or two who will insist) and he really doesn't need a bunch of other toys. BUT is that just not cool?
The thing is: HE HAS SO MUCH. And there will be 30ish kids at his party. Last year he had so many bday gifts it took DAYS to open them. And he DOESN'T need them. I also really just want people to know that we want them to celebrate with us and just be there, we don't need gifts.
He's too young to "get" the altruistic path. I can't clean out a heap because we just did that at Xmas.
It all just feels like SOOO much.
Any thoughts?
Am I a joy killer trying to take his presents away? Have I passed the point of him being young enough not to notice? (we did specify no gifts at his 1st and 2nd bdays)
Re: "No gifts please" for a 4 year old's party?
I think it's fine. I have been to several birthday parties with "no gifts" on the invite, and people didn't bring gifts (or if they did, the host was good about hiding it because I never knew about it).
I understand what you mean about "too much stuff." We are in the same boat after Christmas. And at most birthday parties we end up with an overabundance of ninja turtles and hotwheels tracks.
I've been to one party where they chose 2 charities and ask for you to either not give a gift or you had the option to select one of the charities...I wish I still had the invite because I really can't remember what it looked like, but it was clear that giving to either charity was optional (maybe, no gifts please, but if you really want to give a gift then consider one of these two charities?)
Then they had the favors laid out (a pair of sunglasses for a Rock Star themed party) on top of a flyer that had information about each charity.
We did donate to one of the two charities and people did bring gifts, but I didn't feel bad about it at all since we donated to the charity.
One thing though - one of the charities was kind of controversial in my opinion. I mean, if you knew the mom at all, you knew she was involved with the group but...it's one of the pitfalls of suggesting a donation to a charity.
BUT I don't want to do a playdate. And i promise you he doesn't want a playdate. He wants and birthday party and (frankly) I want to give him a big birthday party where we host all of his friends (and our family friends) doing something fun in celebration of him. I want him to have his cake moment and his party moment and the experience of a birthday party. I just don't want all the stuff and to have other people feel like they need to give him stuff. Does that makes sense?
Oh well. Looks like we'll be getting another gift bonanza. Maybe I'll just hide some of it.
We just basically rent out a big bounce house place. There's a great one here that you can rent the entire thing (not move room to room) and have it all to yourself. I am not going to lie - I hire out pretty much every aspect - I hire DS favorite sitters to help supervise, I hire out all the food etc... it works out really well and it's a blast for everyone.
You should never mention gifts at all on an invitation-- even to say "no gifts".
From an etiquitte perspective, it comes accross as though you were expecting gifts. Gifts are never required (though they are highly customary for a child birthday party.)
Please don't mention the gifts. If it's too much/ you don't have the room, donate them yourself to a women's shelter/ children's hospital/ Goodwill.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Yeah, I know. I just hate that people feel an obligation. I just wish they wouldn't.
But.. c'est la vie. I guess we will leave with a pile of gifts. And I will work on a strategy to rehome/donate, spread them out or something ...
Thanks everyone.
Good idea on the rehoming- there are many ways to re-purpose unwanted children's things. However, I think you are slighlty misunderstanding my post.
The reason that it's terrible etiquitte to say "no gifts" on an invitation is because it implys that YOU (general you) think that your guests are/ were obligated to bring gifts to your child's party. Not that the guests feel obligated (even if they do).
Now, that being said, while gifts are always optional (the exception being a shower), many times they are customary. The whole point of etiquitte is to make your guests as comfortable as possible, that includes not confusing them from the get go.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I guess I just hate that the custom of bringing a gift is so ingrained. That's what I meant. I wish people wouldn't feel they have to. Because let's face it - people feel like they have to.
And, yes, I certainly don't want to confuse the guests at all. I didn't think "no gifts, please" was confusing. But I was totally clear that "no gifts, please" is something that my grandmother would shun me for. But she would also be mortified that I'm sending an evite... and I'm still doing that.
Don't worry...I promise I'll send thank you notes... hand written, by post.
I think it's kind of weird to do that unless it's a shower and also - OMG with a 3/4year old it would take FOREVER.
I want these kids bouncing.. so they all take nice long naps for their parents.
Who says it and doesn't mean it? That is so stupid (on the part of the host).
Okay, I can understand not wanting to feel conspicuous by being the only one.
But the problem should NOT be with the host who gave you the "no gifts" instruction. WTF?!
I would be careful with planning to give some of the gifts to charity - someone posted on here a while back how they went to the party where the mom afterwards allowed the daughter to keep only three gifts and donated the rest to charity. And the daughter then went to school and said "I didn't like your gift that much so I didn't keep it" or something to that effect.
How do you know they didn't mean it? Because other people didn't honor the request?
Well, call me a terrible host with no etiquette because I don't want anymore shit in my house. I'll take the risk. And I'm going to bet the other parents in our circle (who I often run into at the bookstore minutes before other birthday parties) are going to be cool with it.
I did want feedback. And I did respond that I wasn't going to do it and thanked everyone.
THANK YOU. Will not be doing this, either.
I really had no idea this would be that lively of a discussion.
I would also be thrilled to receive an invite that said No Gifts.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
I am also on team "no more shit" in my tiny house and I get it. My kid is the only grandkid on both sides, only great-grandkid, only niece to our siblings, and has godparents who don't have kids. The amount of gifts we get is overwhelming, especially in a 1000 SF house. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem. Having people bring gifts just to have them donated to Goodwill feels so wasteful and disingenuous. Not that I'm against charity, but it's wasteful of the parents' time and effort to pick out the right gift and wrap it. If they wanted to donate to charity, they could have done it from their laptop.
Sorry-- I have to comment. I hear people say this all of the time, and it makes no sense to me. Rules of etiquitte were put in place as a way to generally make people feel at ease and comfortable. How is making your guests feel at ease and comfortable antiquated?
You don't want to bring a gift to a kid's birthday party? Then don't. You do want to bring a gift to a kid's birthday party? Then by all means, do.
But don't tell me what to do, please. It's rude, makes me feel icky and actually promotes the thinking that gifts were an expectation, which is the opposite of the point of asking for "no gifts".
Gifts are never to be expected. The only exception to this rule is a shower.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
I also think that as time goes on, people care less and less for these "rules." How many times have you seen registry information on the invitation? Or gotten a wedding invitation with a printed address label on it. Do you care? Does it really matter?
Finally, yes, gifts are never to be expected but it is also customary to bring a gift to a party such as a child's birthday party. It is just something that people do. If the host for some reason lists special instructions for the gift on the invitation, I will not get offended and I will follow those instructions. I think it is disrespectful to do otherwise. Let's face it, most of us as parents do not want our kid's to be bombarded with presents on their birthdays but we do want to be able to throw them a party and invite as many people as they wants. It is a lose-lose situation and if the best compromise is to put "please no presents" on the invitation then I'm all for it.
I also think that as time goes on, people care less and less for these "rules." How many times have you seen registry information on the invitation? Or gotten a wedding invitation with a printed address label on it. Do you care? Does it really matter?
Finally, yes, gifts are never to be expected but it is also customary to bring a gift to a party such as a child's birthday party. It is just something that people do. If the host for some reason lists special instructions for the gift on the invitation, I will not get offended and I will follow those instructions. I think it is disrespectful to do otherwise. Let's face it, most of us as parents do not want our kid's to be bombarded with presents on their birthdays but we do want to be able to throw them a party and invite as many people as they wants. It is a lose-lose situation and if the best compromise is to put "please no presents" on the invitation then I'm all for it.
I think this line of thinking creates a slippery slope. That logic also deems it acceptable to put a birthday registry or other gift limitations or "suggestions" on the invitation (or on a fb fyi broadcast).
Also, one year, because I know some people feel they have to bring something, I asked each person to bring a wrapped book, and each kid took home a wrapped book. Because I also hate gift bags filled with crap I don't want.
Admittedly violating the whole don't mention gifts rule, but don't care. I don't want more crap in my house and don't want spoiled kids!