Celebrating Baby

michelekemp · January 2015

I'm 20 weeks and none of my friends have offered to host a baby shower.
Despite the fact I have spent hours and lots of resources helping others, I'm shocked that said good friends go through my pregnancy so silently about the subject.
I really want to celebrate the birth of this new soul, and it's a right of passage for me and my husband.
We're not well off but we can afford getting everything we need and still host a party to celebrate with our friends. But it's makes me wonder whether I should invest time and resources to offer a party to friends who can't even support us on our first baby.
Surprisingly enough, the people who we're not super close with offer to handle games and planning aspects should we decided to have a party.
What are your thoughts, new moms?

mstrieder · January 2015

I'm sorry that things aren't going the way you thought they would. A shower is a gift from someone or those that love you. Maybe people are in the midst of planning it and are truly going to surprise you in the end. You've got plenty of time still to see if family or a close friend ends up having one for you.

klkonwi · January 2015

My friends are the same and even my in laws haven't said anything. My sister and mother offered to do one in a town 2 hrs away where most of my aunts/cousins live.... But it sucks to not have one in your hometown.

michelekemp · January 2015

I hear you, @klkonwi‌! Sometimes we have expectations and it would just be so nice if others could just be sensitive about it. 2 hours away is a bit of a drag for a pregnant lady. You should have been spoiled not expected to work for it.

michelekemp · January 2015

@mstrieder‌ thank you for your kind words! What bugs me is the fact that the friends I thought of the most are just so distant and haven't literally mentioned a word about it. I work with events so planning wouldn't be a problem at all. But my friend's silence that is becoming more of an issue for me. I should just focus on the people who have been so nice and offered to help with what they could.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

michelekemp said:

I'm 20 weeks and none of my friends have offered to host a baby shower. Despite the fact I have spent hours and lots of resources helping others, I'm shocked that said good friends go through my pregnancy so silently about the subject. I really want to celebrate the birth of this new soul, and it's a right of passage for me and my husband.
We're not well off but we can afford getting everything we need and still host a party to celebrate with our friends. But it's makes me wonder whether I should invest time and resources to offer a party to friends who can't even support us on our first baby. Surprisingly enough, the people who we're not super close with offer to handle games and planning aspects should we decided to have a party. What are your thoughts, new moms?

I'm really sorry that no one has stepped up to throw you a shower. What about your mom, MIL, or sisters (if any)? I find it more common for family to host baby showers, since friends don't usually want to incur those kind of costs.

Also keep in mind that even though baby-showers are nice, no one is entitled to one. The shower itself is a gift to you. It's not a right of passage either. Giving birth is the right of passage. A shower is to welcome you into motherhood. If you really want to celebrate the baby, then have a party after the baby is born.

ETA: Please don't throw yourself a baby shower. That is extremely tacky.

carolyngrace · January 2015

klkonwi said:

My friends are the same and even my in laws haven't said anything. My sister and mother offered to do one in a town 2 hrs away where most of my aunts/cousins live.... But it sucks to not have one in your hometown.

I agree it would be nice to have one in your hometown, but 2 hours away is not too far either. I would accept (and enjoy!) that baby shower and you could always put a few friends on their invite list (if asked) and see who makes the drive to support you. It may just be that no one is in a place (financially or time wise) to be able to do one right now? But sorry, that stinks.

blu-eyedwife · January 2015

michelekemp said:

I really want to celebrate the birth of this new soul, and it's a right of passage for me and my husband. We're not well off but we can afford getting everything we need and still host a party to celebrate with our friends.

These are fantastic reasons to host a party - but not a shower. The prime purpose of a shower is to shower the mother with gifts. As you say, you can afford to get everything you need (which is really admirable and the way it should be, but not everyone sees it that way).

It totally and completely makes sense that you want to celebrate the birth of your child with those close to you. Many cultures/traditions have parties exactly for this reason. This is also the perfect reason to host a sip and see, which is a celebration of the baby - after the baby is born. It's a time when friends can get together and welcome the new guy/gal into the world.

michelekemp · January 2015

@nchauhan‌ we don't have a problem with paying for food, drinks and whatever it's needed. We throw parties often and don't count our pennies when celebrating with friends. I don't feel I'm entitled to a party either. But whether my so called 'good' friends offer to help with planning I'd never let someone to incur all costs by themselves, granted I'd love to offer a nice party for all my friends. That would be feeling entitled.

tjanca22 · January 2015

A few years ago, my middle sister got really upset with me and my oldest sister because she didn't think we were planning a shower for her. We were in the midst of planning a surprise party and obviously didn't tell her anything. She ended up blowing up over the phone and said some pretty hurtful things about her planning baby/bridal showers for us and that we weren't reciprocating the favor. We ended up just telling her everything that was already planned. As hosts, my sister and I were a little bummed that she didn't have much faith in us to plan something for her.

My advice is that it is still early and to give it time and DON'T plan a shower for yourself. Maybe they are planning a surprise. But also realize that people lives are busy; while you might be thinking about your shower already, some people might have other things they are focusing on at the moment.

carolyngrace · January 2015

tjanca22 said:

A few years ago, my middle sister got really upset with me and my oldest sister because she didn't think we were planning a shower for her. We were in the midst of planning a surprise party and obviously didn't tell her anything. She ended up blowing up over the phone and said some pretty hurtful things about her planning baby/bridal showers for us and that we weren't reciprocating the favor. We ended up just telling her everything that was already planned. As hosts, my sister and I were a little bummed that she didn't have much faith in us to plan something for her.
My advice is that it is still early and to give it time and DON'T plan a shower for yourself. Maybe they are planning a surprise. But also realize that people lives are busy; while you might be thinking about your shower already, some people might have other things they are focusing on at the moment.

Along these lines, I don't think a totally "surprise" shower is ever a good idea... I would also stress if I didn't know who/what was being done for the shower. It's a different story to tell the mom-to-be "Don't worry about your shower a bit. We're going to surprise you with all the details".

michelekemp · January 2015

@blu-eyedwife‌ I thought the purpose of a shower was to 'shower' the baby, thus baby shower. As I mentioned, we're not expecting people to buy everything in our registry. My husband has a very small family, and mine lives in another country. So we always knew we're responsible for everything.
I'd like to celebrate the baby and the fact we're becoming parents with our dear friends before the baby is here, because as I mentioned we don't have families to count on - and that's okay - since after the baby is here we'll be super busy adjusting and may not have enough time as we like to see our friends.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

No. The purpose of a shower is to "shower" the mother-to-be with gifts that welcome her into motherhood. You can't have a party that celebrates someone that hasn't been born yet.

If you really want to have a party and celebrate with friends before the baby is born, then throw a casual party at your house and make no mention of gifts or a registry. It is in poor taste to throw a party where the sole purpose of the event is for people to give you gifts.

Belle0720 · January 2015

I can imagine I'd be bummed out too if my family/friends didn't plan to throw me a baby shower (especially since I've also hosted/co-hosted showers for my friends). Unfortunately a shower is not an obligation (nor do I see it as a rite of passage), just as it wasn't when you volunteered to host/help with your friends' showers.

You may also just not know that someone is planning to throw one for you. It could be a surprise or maybe they just haven't gotten the ball rolling yet. But if not, please don't throw one for yourself. A sip and see after baby is born is totally acceptable though, if you have the energy for it!

finchfeeder80 · January 2015

It's still early. My mom has made a passing mention but there hasn't been so much of a whisper of anything from anyone else. I haven't thought anything of it. If it happens, it happens, if not, oh well.

michelekemp · January 2015

@tjanca22‌ that's sweet that you planned a surprise shower for your sister but I have to say that it would be nice to have included her in the planning so it wouldn't have left her wondering.
I'm not feeling entitled and expecting people reciprocate favors and throw me a shower. Because to me it wasn't a favor, they are good friends and it was natural for me to want to make my friends and their babies feel special.
Now about being busy, I have to say that is a lame excuse. I was working full time, going to school full time and volunteering for a non-profit. I think we make time for the things that are special to us. I was able to accomplish everything with early planning and time management. But maybe that's just me.

Emilywooddesign · January 2015

Aw I'm really sorry that no one has stepped up to host a shower for you, hopefully someone does soon!! I agree with hosting a sip after baby is born! I do know some people who have hosted their own showers at a hall or community centre or some other type of venue. Usually people don't actually think about " who is hosting this shower"...if you really feel like you want one I say go ahead and have one.

OokamiNoHime · January 2015

There hasn't been any word on my end as far as a baby shower goes. It's still pretty early, and there's still plenty of time for someone to surprise you.
I'm not trying to give you false hope, but it would be sad to ruin a surprise for yourself.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

michelekemp said:

@tjanca22‌ that's sweet that you planned a surprise shower for your sister but I have to say that it would be nice to have included her in the planning so it wouldn't have left her wondering. I'm not feeling entitled and expecting people reciprocate favors and throw me a shower. Because to me it wasn't a favor, they are good friends and it was natural for me to want to make my friends and their babies feel special. Now about being busy, I have to say that is a lame excuse. I was working full time, going to school full time and volunteering for a non-profit. I think we make time for the things that are special to us. I was able to accomplish everything with early planning and time management. But maybe that's just me.

I'm sorry OP but you are coming off as very entitled. People have different definitions of busy. Maybe throwing a party for you is not at the top of everyone's list of priorities. Maybe it is. Who knows? It doesn't really matter. It's too early to be worrying about a shower anyways. If you're due in June, the appropriate time for a shower would be around April either way. Give it some time! Maybe someone will surprise you!

carolyngrace · January 2015

Emilywooddesign said:

Aw I'm really sorry that no one has stepped up to host a shower for you, hopefully someone does soon!! I agree with hosting a sip after baby is born! I do know some people who have hosted their own showers at a hall or community centre or some other type of venue. Usually people don't actually think about " who is hosting this shower"...if you really feel like you want one I say go ahead and have one.

Sorry, but people TOTALLY notice who is hosting the shower. It's the person you RSVP to, and the person kind of "in charge" at the shower. If you get an invite from the mom, and they direct everything at the shower, then you know she's hosting.... I wouldn't feel so much offended at a mom doing this, as I would feel sad for her.

michelekemp · January 2015

Thank you all for your responses! I might just save my money and go on a nice trip with my husband instead of spending on a shower. Again, we wanted to celebrate the baby and the fact we're becoming parents with friends before we get super busy.
If anyone wants to buy us something that we probably already bought, that will be great. Otherwise, no hard feelings as the 'shower' or 'party' wasn't going to happen because we desperately need gifts.
What we'd love is the support (emotional not financial) from the people who we think highly of.
Although, I'll get together with the friends who cared enough to show some support and ask about it for a spa day at a nice resort and have a small celebration - which I'd love to host a brunch for.

mamahawk12 · January 2015

michelekemp said:

@blu-eyedwife‌ I thought the purpose of a shower was to 'shower' the baby, thus baby shower. As I mentioned, we're not expecting people to buy everything in our registry. My husband has a very small family, and mine lives in another country. So we always knew we're responsible for everything. I'd like to celebrate the baby and the fact we're becoming parents with our dear friends before the baby is here, because as I mentioned we don't have families to count on - and that's okay - since after the baby is here we'll be super busy adjusting and may not have enough time as we like to see our friends.

It sounds like you've already made up your mind about throwing your own shower and are just looking for validation...? You've had 20+ people tell you it's inappropriate, regardless of your situation or intentions. So I'm not sure what the question is...

michelekemp · January 2015

@mamahawk12‌ actually, after reading everyone's responses I've decided that I should celebrate with my husband and save our resources for something that we both would enjoy - like a nice getaway!
My intentions were to hear other people's minds and see if anyone is going through the same situation and how they feel about it.
Thanks for your thoughts!

effthisnoise · January 2015

I think it's common knowledge that showers generally happen after the 7-month mark in pregnancy. There is still plenty of time for someone to make the offer, plan it, and invite people all within a normal range of time. It's one thing to wonder whether someone will offer and hope that someone does, but you seem like you're already upset with your friends. Even if someone is planning to offer, she probably hasn't thought of mentioning it to you yet because it's so early. A good way to alienate your friends is to resent them for not doing something they aren't even obligated to do.

tjanca22 · January 2015

michelekemp said:

@tjanca22‌ that's sweet that you planned a surprise shower for your sister but I have to say that it would be nice to have included her in the planning so it wouldn't have left her wondering. I'm not feeling entitled and expecting people reciprocate favors and throw me a shower. Because to me it wasn't a favor, they are good friends and it was natural for me to want to make my friends and their babies feel special. Now about being busy, I have to say that is a lame excuse. I was working full time, going to school full time and volunteering for a non-profit. I think we make time for the things that are special to us. I was able to accomplish everything with early planning and time management. But maybe that's just me.

For you, planning other showers might have been a kind gesture, and that's great, but, a kind gesture doesn't need to be repaid and this is how it's coming off in your posts. You did something for them and are now feeling like they should do the same for you.

Also, I agree wholeheartedly with this last part. You seem to be well prepared and are already deep into planning your own event of sorts, but you can't expect everyone to be thinking about an event that takes place in April/May timeframe.

OokamiNoHime · January 2015

OP, maybe you just wanted us to help you justify sending yourself and YH on a fancy getaway.
It's your life. Do whatever you want to do with it, and don't feel the need to ask for validation from strangers.

Sorry if this isn't the case, but that's how it seems to come across, imho.

ksimo6 · January 2015

If no one throws you one, consider doing a "sip and see" after the baby is born.

The situation sucks and you have every right to be hurt, Do not plan your own shower. It's so incredibly tacky.

michelekemp · January 2015

@effthisnoise‌ I totally agree with you that is common knowledge showers happen after the 7th month. But nothing impedes your good friends to talk about it and ask, because the shower will still happen after the 7th month.
I'll not alienate or resent anyone. I think I might just have expected too much from other people based on my own capabilities. I shouldn't have compared the two.
It's all good! I'll have an intimate celebration with those who have showed interest and it will be great! No, I'll not 'ask' for gifts. That was never the point.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

OP I think you handled all of these responses like a champ!

michelekemp · January 2015

@OokamiNoHime‌ thanks! Your words just made me realize how the world is screwed up. I was under the impression these boards were up for the benefit of new moms and possibly look for support from other new moms. Obviously, situations are different from person to person and although I wanted to see how others feel about the subject, I don't necessarily need an 'excuse' to go on a fancy getaway with my husband. If all of you here tell me it's tacky to plan a party (that I was going to pay for either with someone else planning it or not) what's the point of doing it?
Unfortunately, I won't just sit here and and hope that people do nice things for me. I'm more of a go getter, so sitting and waiting has never been my strongest trait.
You came across as a bit rude. I hope you are being showered and spoiled by everyone around you. You surely deserve it!

OokamiNoHime · January 2015

michelekemp said:
@OokamiNoHime‌ thanks! Your words just made me realize how the world is screwed up. I was under the impression these boards were up for the benefit of new moms and possibly look for support from other new moms. Obviously, situations are different from person to person and although I wanted to see how others feel about the subject, I don't necessarily need an 'excuse' to go on a fancy getaway with my husband. If all of you here tell me it's tacky to plan a party (that I was going to pay for either with someone else planning it or not) what's the point of doing it?
Unfortunately, I won't just sit here and and hope that people do nice things for me. I'm more of a go getter, so sitting and waiting has never been my strongest trait.
You came across as a bit rude. I hope you are being showered and spoiled by everyone around you. You surely deserve it!

I'm sorry. I dont mean that snarky at all. I got you wrong, and I apologize.

P.s. I'm not being spoiled. Just so you know.

erbear84 · January 2015

Yeah, OP, wait and see who offers. It's still early! Just please don't throw your own shower.

michelekemp · January 2015

@ksimo6‌ thanks, lady! I'd love to have a sip and see party for the baby and show off the little bundle of joy we have created! :x
It will be stressful planning the whole thing on my own. I work with events for a living and the stress and costs can add up quickly.
So I figured a party after may be the best. I just hope my hubby and I won't be super tired after the baby arrives. We're do excited and we just want to share with everyone! :-)

michelekemp · January 2015

@OokamiNoHime‌ no worries. I understand.

Maybe I'm an idealist, but creating a human inside you is pretty freaking incredible and awesome and although not everyone will understand or get it I think it's common courtesy to show support and excitement for those close to you. It's respect.

I hope that you and I have all that we wish for! And if not, we'll be just fine too! :x

michelekemp · January 2015

@nchauhan‌ ops! My bad! I might have been trying to respond to another comment.
I was thinking the same thing. We can host a party and not call it a shower. It can be a birthday party!!

Which is essentially what the shower party is.
But no worries, we'll have something after the birth and celebrate with everyone. :-)

mamasaurusB · January 2015

For our first child, we had a big barbecue DH and I planned ourselves because we didn't want a "normal" shower. We had a lot of friends with older kids and inherited a lot of hand-me downs so we just told everyone they didn't need to bring gifts, but if they wanted to bring something specific (not just whatever they liked), just bring small gift cards or cash. My mom said it was the epitome of tacky but all our friends loved it. It was super casual, everyone just ate, we played a few baby games, drank some beers (not me, obvi) and everyone had a great time. In the years following, several other friends have thrown similar "showers". There is nothing wrong with inviting your friends to share your joy. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want or need. It's not bratty or selfish, it's practical, makes everyone's life easier and your friends will appreciate that. So throw your bash, have a crazy good time and don't worry about what other people think. The idea of "Socially acceptable" is subjective anyway, and only completely silly people would judge you based on that!

michelekemp · January 2015

@Emilywooddesign‌ Thanks, Lady! You're right, some people just are not thinking about it and it's just fine.
We'll have a celebration after the baby is born if we have enough energy for sure. :-)

GirPipley · January 2015

This thread got rocky for a minute....

Anyway, with my first, no one mentioned a shower at all, until after we announced the sex. After I told my sister and BFF it was a girl, my sister came down for the weekend. They both took me out to lunch and had their notebooks all ready to start planning. They had been talking about it for weeks, but didn't tell me anything. Honestly, I had not even thought about it yet.

I really hope your friends are doing something similar, as I too would be slightly taken aback if no one offered to through me a shower. I would not be upset, nor resentful, but I would obviously notice it, and probably would feel a little sad. Butthurt might be the term I would use. (For me)

Just be patient, not everyone plans things months in advance.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

mamasaurusB said:

For our first child, we had a big barbecue DH and I planned ourselves because we didn't want a "normal" shower. We had a lot of friends with older kids and inherited a lot of hand-me downs so we just told everyone they didn't need to bring gifts, but if they wanted to bring something specific (not just whatever they liked), just bring small gift cards or cash. My mom said it was the epitome of tacky but all our friends loved it. It was super casual, everyone just ate, we played a few baby games, drank some beers (not me, obvi) and everyone had a great time. In the years following, several other friends have thrown similar "showers". There is nothing wrong with inviting your friends to share your joy. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want or need. It's not bratty or selfish, it's practical, makes everyone's life easier and your friends will appreciate that. So throw your bash, have a crazy good time and don't worry about what other people think. The idea of "Socially acceptable" is subjective anyway, and only completely silly people would judge you based on that!

No. Just No.

michelekemp · January 2015

@mamasaurusB‌ I love it! The majority of our friends already had kids and some are on their second already.
This is exactly what we want! Celebrate! We're almost the last ones to join the club and we don't care about anything fancy. We care about good friends coming together, enjoying a yummy meal and connecting and enjoying each other's company.
Money is money, and whoever pays for the shower won't look as a waste. This is the kind of event worth investing on it. It's like going to a destination wedding - will I be mad to pay for my plane ticket to see my awesome friends start a new page on their lives and buy them a wedding gift?! Hell, no! I'm so happy and excited for them that the money issue is irrelevant.
Yay for casual parties and celebrations, life is too short to play by the 'socially acceptable' anyways. Yay for modern and independent women!
We'll see what happens! So happy you were able to celebrate with everyone! :-)

leenziepops · January 2015

Noone has mentioned baby shower to me either. I'm a FTM almost 20 weeks. If none of my 4 sisters mention it soon, I'll just go demand one of them organise one hahha, that's just how we roll. Rather than making a big deal out of it, could you just say to one of them, "Yo! You want to host a shower for me?" Not sure if you have the same kind of relationship with them that I do with my sisters and BFF's. It could be possible that they haven't realised that you are halfway there already.

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