The things people say... — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

The things people say...

Anyone else need a safe space to vent some anger and frustration at the totally thoughtless crap that people say? Please, come join me.

I'll start ****(DS1 mentioned)****




Yesterday, I ran into an acquaintance / FB friend (which instantly makes me nervous because it's always those acquaintance types which are the ones to say potentially awful things) and we were talking and she said that she saw on FB that we had two little boys now. So I responded that yes we did but sadly our second son passed away a little over a year ago. To which she responded "oh, I'm sorry, I thought I saw that you had another baby". What?! Seriously?! I just told you that we had another baby. My response to her was "well, we did have another baby. His name is Colton, he would be almost 17 months old. But he passed away". (I do not understand why people think that just because he was still born, he somehow doesn't count!) She still wouldn't let it go, and said something like she thought she saw a post from me about two little boys. To which I responded "well you probably did. I post about Colton often." Errr. She was so not catching on and so thoughtless. Thankfully it don't see her often!

Okay, anyone else need to let some anger out? Please join me. It feels better to get it out, and I know you ladies understand.
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Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
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Re: The things people say...

  • When my DH's family didn't include Liv when listing great grandchildren in his grandma's obituary :(
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  • ^ sorry, guess that doesn't count for what anyone "said," but sometimes what isn't said hurts too :-(
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  • When my DH's family didn't include Liv when listing great grandchildren in his grandma's obituary :(

    Oh that is so upsetting! My ILs would totally be the type to do this too.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Ticker warning, rainbow mentioned

    Our daughter was stillborn a couple months before mothers day, fathers day. The following year our rainbow was born a few months before, and when each holiday arrived, my sil sent MH and I each a happy FIRST mothers,father's day card. I know she meant well, but wth? She held our angel, she cried with us, she was at her funeral....how exactly was last year our first mothers,father's day?
    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

    image

  • I had to start at a new school in October. When I introduced myself I mentioned that I had two kids but nobody asked questions about how old they are so Ben being dead didn't come up. A few weeks later, one of the students asked about my kids when I was talking to a small group. I told her that my dd is three and my son would be x number of months. She asked how he died and I told her. She turned to her friends and said, "don't you think she should be more upset? She just told us matter of factly like its no big deal". I told her of course I'm upset, my baby died but that crying about it in the middle of class wasn't going to help anything.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

  • stefuge said:
    Anyone else need a safe space to vent some anger and frustration at the totally thoughtless crap that people say? Please, come join me. I'll start ****(DS1 mentioned)**** Yesterday, I ran into an acquaintance / FB friend (which instantly makes me nervous because it's always those acquaintance types which are the ones to say potentially awful things) and we were talking and she said that she saw on FB that we had two little boys now. So I responded that yes we did but sadly our second son passed away a little over a year ago. To which she responded "oh, I'm sorry, I thought I saw that you had another baby". What?! Seriously?! I just told you that we had another baby. My response to her was "well, we did have another baby. His name is Colton, he would be almost 17 months old. But he passed away". (I do not understand why people think that just because he was still born, he somehow doesn't count!) She still wouldn't let it go, and said something like she thought she saw a post from me about two little boys. To which I responded "well you probably did. I post about Colton often." Errr. She was so not catching on and so thoughtless. Thankfully it don't see her often! Okay, anyone else need to let some anger out? Please join me. It feels better to get it out, and I know you ladies understand.
    Wow, what an idiot lol

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  • I had to start at a new school in October. When I introduced myself I mentioned that I had two kids but nobody asked questions about how old they are so Ben being dead didn't come up. A few weeks later, one of the students asked about my kids when I was talking to a small group. I told her that my dd is three and my son would be x number of months. She asked how he died and I told her. She turned to her friends and said, "don't you think she should be more upset? She just told us matter of factly like its no big deal". I told her of course I'm upset, my baby died but that crying about it in the middle of class wasn't going to help anything.
    *siggy

    What! Wow! People are so dumb sometimes!

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        My Blog

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
      

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
    Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013

    BFP # 2 8/7/14 EDD 4/22/15
    Please be our ra
    inbow!!

    **All AL Welcome**





  • I had to start at a new school in October. When I introduced myself I mentioned that I had two kids but nobody asked questions about how old they are so Ben being dead didn't come up. A few weeks later, one of the students asked about my kids when I was talking to a small group. I told her that my dd is three and my son would be x number of months. She asked how he died and I told her. She turned to her friends and said, "don't you think she should be more upset? She just told us matter of factly like its no big deal". I told her of course I'm upset, my baby died but that crying about it in the middle of class wasn't going to help anything.

    *siggy

    What! Wow! People are so dumb sometimes!


    It was a high school student so I try to chalk things like that up to learning experiences... But it hurt.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • Mel&John2013Mel&John2013 member
    edited January 2015
    stefuge said:
    When my DH's family didn't include Liv when listing great grandchildren in his grandma's obituary :(
    Oh that is so upsetting! My ILs would totally be the type to do this too.
    ***siggy warning



    That is just not ok! I'd be infuriated! So sorry they did that :(
  • ****siggy warning




    Ok, these things made me mad so I have to comment on each of them...

    @angelsnight She should know better! It's the people who should know better that make me maddest. 

    @lexusolsen Her being a high school student just makes it worse, she's old enough that she should have some tact and common sense. Geez, people!

    @happyin14 I hate people who make comments like that. Like you're somehow "through" it or "over" it and can come back a better person. Ugh!

    @stefuge I don't even know how you continued that conversations, props to you!


    angelsnight
  • ****siggy warning, current pregnancy mentioned




    As for me, I'm still mad my MIL got me a "Baby's First Year" book for Christmas. Lincoln was 8 months old when he passed away...don't really need info about dealing with a newborn or breastfeeding. Just because Lincoln had health problems doesn't mean he wasn't also a "normal" baby. And his little brother coming doesn't mean we're "starting over" with our family. I'm getting mad just thinking about it again!

    Also, I'm still mad about that poster earlier this week saying "A loss is a loss". Still not past that.
  • ***sig warning***


    Shortly after my son died, I went to get my hair chopped off, I needed something new.  The hairdresser knew about our situation.  He said "well, you can have more kids, right?"  As if having more kids would make the fact that my son was DEAD ok. 

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32 

     


  • ***siggy

    erinel said:

    ***sig warning***


    Shortly after my son died, I went to get my hair chopped off, I needed something new.  The hairdresser knew about our situation.  He said "well, you can have more kids, right?"  As if having more kids would make the fact that my son was DEAD ok. 

    Ok, that might be the worst! WTF?!
  • erinel said:

    ***sig warning***


    Shortly after my son died, I went to get my hair chopped off, I needed something new.  The hairdresser knew about our situation.  He said "well, you can have more kids, right?"  As if having more kids would make the fact that my son was DEAD ok. 

    I have had people say the same thing - "well there's always next time!" So rude!
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • ****siggy warning, current pregnancy mentioned





    As for me, I'm still mad my MIL got me a "Baby's First Year" book for Christmas. Lincoln was 8 months old when he passed away...don't really need info about dealing with a newborn or breastfeeding. Just because Lincoln had health problems doesn't mean he wasn't also a "normal" baby. And his little brother coming doesn't mean we're "starting over" with our family. I'm getting mad just thinking about it again!

    Also, I'm still mad about that poster earlier this week saying "A loss is a loss". Still not past that.
    Honestly, this is pretty ridiculous. Was the book clearly for a FTM? Because you're absolutely right - you've done the newborn stage and baby stage and breast feeding, etc. That's pretty ridiculous if she is implying that, like your time with Lincoln never happened.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Ticker warning, rainbow mentioned

    Our daughter was stillborn a couple months before mothers day, fathers day. The following year our rainbow was born a few months before, and when each holiday arrived, my sil sent MH and I each a happy FIRST mothers,father's day card. I know she meant well, but wth? She held our angel, she cried with us, she was at her funeral....how exactly was last year our first mothers,father's day?

    Rude. So rude. I can't even comprehend what she was thinking. Makes me so angry!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Happyin14 said:

    ***Rainbow mentioned****



    Just yesterday! We are having our kitchen redone and the contractor was there looking around for a status report. I knew questions would start as we have lots of pictures of Jack - and they kept finding toys under things in the kitchen...

    So I told him we did have two kids. He said "You DO have another?" Yes. "Really?" Yes - in heaven. Then he said "The good news is you have survived it. And you are okay now."

    I wanted to yell - not yet! I was ugly crying just this morning!! I can't imagine how someone can think it's something I am just over.

    What a weird thing to say. Hands down, people just don't know how to respond. One time, after telling a neighbor who had cornered me to ask how the new baby was, I told him he had died, and his response was to start telling me about his new granddaughter who had just been born, like that was appropriate. It's ridiculous what people will say!
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • I had to start at a new school in October. When I introduced myself I mentioned that I had two kids but nobody asked questions about how old they are so Ben being dead didn't come up. A few weeks later, one of the students asked about my kids when I was talking to a small group. I told her that my dd is three and my son would be x number of months. She asked how he died and I told her. She turned to her friends and said, "don't you think she should be more upset? She just told us matter of factly like its no big deal". I told her of course I'm upset, my baby died but that crying about it in the middle of class wasn't going to help anything.

    This is just mean. Basically telling you that you don't care enough about your son. Mean and ignorant of what grief is really like.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
    amiligrace
  • erinel said:

    ***sig warning***


    Shortly after my son died, I went to get my hair chopped off, I needed something new.  The hairdresser knew about our situation.  He said "well, you can have more kids, right?"  As if having more kids would make the fact that my son was DEAD ok. 


    The florist who did the flowers for Ava's funeral said something similar.  She told me I was still young.  Gee thanks, that makes me feel a whole lot better. 





  • ****siggy warning


    @stefuge‌ The book was clearly meant for a FTM. I've already given it to goodwill. My only regret is that i was caught off guard and acted like it was a nice gesture just out of habit. I wish I had just said nothing.

    And your neighbor talking about his new grandchild?? I swear, what is wrong with people?
  • Ticker warning.....trigger warning for very hurtful book title






    Same said sil as above text me one day...I was 9 months out from my loss and six months pregnant with my rainbow. She text me and said she's getting this book for me called How not to kill your baby. For parents never been through a loss, I think it was supposed to be a tongue in cheek book, like ha you're going to be a new parent, here is how to survive. But seeing as what I had just gone through, and given the fact that the issue that took our angel could have happened with our rainbow as well, I was of course still grieving and so worried. I was so taken aback by that text, I couldn't even respond, even via text. Now over a year later, I really think our relationship has been negatively affected by that, like things she does bothers me more than they should because I am still so hurt over it. Not having gone through it, I guess she doesn't understand how much guilt we feel and how much we blame ourselves even though we did nothing wrong, so to me this felt like, here is a book to help you keep THIS one alive. But even regardless of that , I cannot believe anyone can be so stupid to think it's OK and even funny to say that to a loss mom, especially via text when she had time to think about it vs just saying it without thinking.
    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

    image



  • ****siggy warning, current pregnancy mentioned




    As for me, I'm still mad my MIL got me a "Baby's First Year" book for Christmas. Lincoln was 8 months old when he passed away...don't really need info about dealing with a newborn or breastfeeding. Just because Lincoln had health problems doesn't mean he wasn't also a "normal" baby. And his little brother coming doesn't mean we're "starting over" with our family. I'm getting mad just thinking about it again!

    Also, I'm still mad about that poster earlier this week saying "A loss is a loss". Still not past that.

    What post was that?!? 

    I had the "you can have more kids" speech. From my own mother. 


    She since deleted it but someone came for advice for their CP and apparently asked if we thought she could be pregnant again. People explained very nicely I thought, that this was not an appropriate board to ask that on, and she got defensive, saying her feelings matter too and a loss is a loss.


    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

    image

  • Ticker warning.....trigger warning for very hurtful book title






    Same said sil as above text me one day...I was 9 months out from my loss and six months pregnant with my rainbow. She text me and said she's getting this book for me called How not to kill your baby. For parents never been through a loss, I think it was supposed to be a tongue in cheek book, like ha you're going to be a new parent, here is how to survive. But seeing as what I had just gone through, and given the fact that the issue that took our angel could have happened with our rainbow as well, I was of course still grieving and so worried. I was so taken aback by that text, I couldn't even respond, even via text. Now over a year later, I really think our relationship has been negatively affected by that, like things she does bothers me more than they should because I am still so hurt over it. Not having gone through it, I guess she doesn't understand how much guilt we feel and how much we blame ourselves even though we did nothing wrong, so to me this felt like, here is a book to help you keep THIS one alive. But even regardless of that , I cannot believe anyone can be so stupid to think it's OK and even funny to say that to a loss mom, especially via text when she had time to think about it vs just saying it without thinking.

    Holy crap! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

  • ****siggy warning


    @stefuge‌ The book was clearly meant for a FTM. I've already given it to goodwill. My only regret is that i was caught off guard and acted like it was a nice gesture just out of habit. I wish I had just said nothing.

    And your neighbor talking about his new grandchild?? I swear, what is wrong with people?

    Ok yes ridiculous and insensitive. Ugh. Sounds like my MIL... She's the one who forgot about Colton's first birthday BTW.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • stefugestefuge member
    edited January 2015

    Ticker warning.....trigger warning for very hurtful book title






    Same said sil as above text me one day...I was 9 months out from my loss and six months pregnant with my rainbow. She text me and said she's getting this book for me called How not to kill your baby. For parents never been through a loss, I think it was supposed to be a tongue in cheek book, like ha you're going to be a new parent, here is how to survive. But seeing as what I had just gone through, and given the fact that the issue that took our angel could have happened with our rainbow as well, I was of course still grieving and so worried. I was so taken aback by that text, I couldn't even respond, even via text. Now over a year later, I really think our relationship has been negatively affected by that, like things she does bothers me more than they should because I am still so hurt over it. Not having gone through it, I guess she doesn't understand how much guilt we feel and how much we blame ourselves even though we did nothing wrong, so to me this felt like, here is a book to help you keep THIS one alive. But even regardless of that , I cannot believe anyone can be so stupid to think it's OK and even funny to say that to a loss mom, especially via text when she had time to think about it vs just saying it without thinking.

    Oh my gosh! Awful awful awful! I cannot believe she thought that was appropriate or funny or whatever! I have a friend who had a baby three weeks after Colton was born still, and she is always posting on FB "managed to keep this one alive for 6 months!" "One year - haven't killed her yet!" And similar. I find it so offensive and I know she thinks she's being funny, but no. Still - so much worse for your SIL to give that book to you.


    ETA: somehow this posted twice... Oops
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Ticker warning.....trigger warning for very hurtful book title






    Same said sil as above text me one day...I was 9 months out from my loss and six months pregnant with my rainbow. She text me and said she's getting this book for me called How not to kill your baby. For parents never been through a loss, I think it was supposed to be a tongue in cheek book, like ha you're going to be a new parent, here is how to survive. But seeing as what I had just gone through, and given the fact that the issue that took our angel could have happened with our rainbow as well, I was of course still grieving and so worried. I was so taken aback by that text, I couldn't even respond, even via text. Now over a year later, I really think our relationship has been negatively affected by that, like things she does bothers me more than they should because I am still so hurt over it. Not having gone through it, I guess she doesn't understand how much guilt we feel and how much we blame ourselves even though we did nothing wrong, so to me this felt like, here is a book to help you keep THIS one alive. But even regardless of that , I cannot believe anyone can be so stupid to think it's OK and even funny to say that to a loss mom, especially via text when she had time to think about it vs just saying it without thinking.

    Oh my gosh! Awful awful awful! I cannot believe she thought that was appropriate or funny or whatever! I have a friend who had a baby three weeks after Colton was born still, and she is always posting on FB "managed to keep this one alive for 6 months!" "One year - haven't killed her yet!" And similar. I find it so offensive and I know she thinks she's being funny, but no. Still - so much worse for your SIL to give that book to you.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • stefugestefuge member
    edited January 2015



    ****siggy warning, current pregnancy mentioned




    As for me, I'm still mad my MIL got me a "Baby's First Year" book for Christmas. Lincoln was 8 months old when he passed away...don't really need info about dealing with a newborn or breastfeeding. Just because Lincoln had health problems doesn't mean he wasn't also a "normal" baby. And his little brother coming doesn't mean we're "starting over" with our family. I'm getting mad just thinking about it again!

    Also, I'm still mad about that poster earlier this week saying "A loss is a loss". Still not past that.

    What post was that?!? 

    I had the "you can have more kids" speech. From my own mother. 
    She since deleted it but someone came for advice for their CP and apparently asked if we thought she could be pregnant again. People explained very nicely I thought, that this was not an appropriate board to ask that on, and she got defensive, saying her feelings matter too and a loss is a loss.




    I have such a hard time with the "loss is a loss" saying. I don't agree, but I also don't want to be insensitive and all "my pain is worse than yours!" I have a couple friends IRL who strongly agree with that and act like they completely relate to me because they have had an early term miscarriage, and it drives me crazy. I also had someone in a FB grief group that I am in (not necessarily child or baby-loss) post about her dog dying and how "a loss is a loss" and I almost lost it on her. Seriously? Your dog?

    ETA: quote box fail.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • ***sig warning***

    Wow, all of these are terrible.  People say such stupid things.

    I do think people who have gone through a loss or losses have different baselines for grief, and I used to get more offended when they would compare, now I just try not to.  I'm in a support group for women who have lost babies, either through miscarriage, late term loss, stillbirth, or infant loss, and it can be hard to identify with the women that lost babies at 8 weeks, or even 15 weeks, or even 25 weeks.  I figure if we all need a support group, though, clearly we have all been severely impacted.  It's definitely not the same, I had a healthy baby that got sick and I had to watch suffer and die, but I hope no one has to go through that pain. I consider myself lucky in a way, because I got to meet and hold my son, which a lot of the other women never got to do.

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32 

     



  • I had to start at a new school in October. When I introduced myself I mentioned that I had two kids but nobody asked questions about how old they are so Ben being dead didn't come up. A few weeks later, one of the students asked about my kids when I was talking to a small group. I told her that my dd is three and my son would be x number of months. She asked how he died and I told her. She turned to her friends and said, "don't you think she should be more upset? She just told us matter of factly like its no big deal". I told her of course I'm upset, my baby died but that crying about it in the middle of class wasn't going to help anything.
    *siggy

    What! Wow! People are so dumb sometimes!
    It was a high school student so I try to chalk things like that up to learning experiences... But it hurt.
    Yeah knowing it was a highschool student made that so much worse. I thought it was some little kid who hasn't development an inner monologue yet. 
    TTC since August 2013 BFP #1 1/15/14...MMC 2/24/14...D&C 3/3/14 BFP #2 5/11/14 ... severe pre-e placental abruption our angel born sleeping at 22 weeks Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • And now I'm reminded of another "things people say" story. I may have vented about it here when it actually happened. 

    I have a food blog. I had been writing updates on my pregnancy on the blog, so I felt I "had" to say something about the loss (my water broke at 19 weeks for those that don't know my story), or else people would ask questions. 

    I got a lot of supportive comments, but got one that read: "I am so sorry. I too went through this very thing, but I was 10 days past my due date. Nevertheless, we had a emergency C-Section delivery as they hardly heard his heartbeat and during delivery both my son and I had to be resuscitated. He is now 23 years old and I consider myself very lucky it didn’t come sooner. We had four children in all and he was the only difficult birth. Your post made me cry, as I know just how you felt. Again, my deepest sympathy." 

    She was trying to compare her healthy now-adult child to my loss. What the actual fuck?? 
    WTAF???   :-O  <---this is me at my desk right now. How is that even remotely the same?? 
    TTC since August 2013 BFP #1 1/15/14...MMC 2/24/14...D&C 3/3/14 BFP #2 5/11/14 ... severe pre-e placental abruption our angel born sleeping at 22 weeks Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • And now I'm reminded of another "things people say" story. I may have vented about it here when it actually happened. 


    I have a food blog. I had been writing updates on my pregnancy on the blog, so I felt I "had" to say something about the loss (my water broke at 19 weeks for those that don't know my story), or else people would ask questions. 

    I got a lot of supportive comments, but got one that read: "I am so sorry. I too went through this very thing, but I was 10 days past my due date. Nevertheless, we had a emergency C-Section delivery as they hardly heard his heartbeat and during delivery both my son and I had to be resuscitated. He is now 23 years old and I consider myself very lucky it didn’t come sooner. We had four children in all and he was the only difficult birth. Your post made me cry, as I know just how you felt. Again, my deepest sympathy." 

    She was trying to compare her healthy now-adult child to my loss. What the actual fuck?? 
    Oh no! Not at all ok. How insensitive! And I actually don't see any similarity between the two situations. How could she possibly think she knew how you felt?! I hate when people say that. It's so selfish.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • I kind of agree with "a loss is a loss" and yet, I don't. 


    Anyone who has a loss has the right to grieve as they feel necessary. I grieved when I lost my son; I will grieve when I lose my dogs. I will grieve differently, but I will still grieve. 

    I have a friend who very traumatically lost her daughter. I don't try to compare my 2nd tri loss to hers, because they are completely different; but my loss isn't "less" than hers. Just different. 
    This is very true, and is how I try to see it. I have grieved over the loss of grandparents, pets, friendships before the loss of our son, and understandable that everyone has their own grief. And I have learned to not try and pretend like I get what someone else is going through. Because everyone's situation is different, like you said.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
    lexusolsenMorena Mama
  • **ticker warning and PG mentioned*

    stefuge I'm super late to coming to this thread, I wanted to respond earlier but things kept coming up. I am so sorry someone said that to you.  I think those are among the worst things- they don't count our angels in heaven.  THEY COUNT.  It is not anyones place to suggest otherwise. 

    Happyin14 I hate it when people assume that you are okay!  How dare they... they have no idea. 

    lexusolsen  No words for that one... I am upset just reading that.  So sorry you had someone say that to you. 

    angelsnight Wow.  Just wow.  I can't believe the minds of some people... you would think they would know better. 


    I think one of the comments that sticks out the most in my mind is this:

    "So you're having a baby!  You just have one, then?"
    "No, we have two boys - but they passed away last year. So this baby makes three."
    "Right. So you just have one.  Some things happen for a reason."

    OMG.  Two things - One, I just told you we have two boys.  Second, "everything happens for a reason" is the one phrase I cannot stand hearing. I don't think I have to explain to anyone here why that saying is hurtful. 

  • Happyin14 said:
    @ikrystal‌ - I also hate the "everything happens for a reason". So much. Nope. Sometimes crap things just happen! And I didn't mean to say that people don't have the right to grieve different losses. In case it was perceived that way. But it is different. And I grieve certain things less - like my 98 year old great aunt who did everything she wanted to do and went in her sleep surrounded by family. I almost wanted to just say Congrats. Sincerely. I dunno...

    I agree. Losses are all difficult and of course cause grief and pain. But like you said, not all losses are the same. I didn't grieve my grandmother, who was an amazing woman who led an amazing life, the same way I grieve Lincoln. And I've been fortunate enough not to have suffered the pain of miscarriage but there is no way I'd grieve an early loss the same, either.
    mrswheelostefuge
  • Sometimes I feel guilty about this
    stefuge said:



    ****siggy warning, current pregnancy mentioned




    As for me, I'm still mad my MIL got me a "Baby's First Year" book for Christmas. Lincoln was 8 months old when he passed away...don't really need info about dealing with a newborn or breastfeeding. Just because Lincoln had health problems doesn't mean he wasn't also a "normal" baby. And his little brother coming doesn't mean we're "starting over" with our family. I'm getting mad just thinking about it again!

    Also, I'm still mad about that poster earlier this week saying "A loss is a loss". Still not past that.

    What post was that?!? 

    I had the "you can have more kids" speech. From my own mother. 
    She since deleted it but someone came for advice for their CP and apparently asked if we thought she could be pregnant again. People explained very nicely I thought, that this was not an appropriate board to ask that on, and she got defensive, saying her feelings matter too and a loss is a loss.


    I have such a hard time with the "loss is a loss" saying. I don't agree, but I also don't want to be insensitive and all "my pain is worse than yours!" I have a couple friends IRL who strongly agree with that and act like they completely relate to me because they have had an early term miscarriage, and it drives me crazy. I also had someone in a FB grief group that I am in (not necessarily child or baby-loss) post about her dog dying and how "a loss is a loss" and I almost lost it on her. Seriously? Your dog?

    ETA: quote box fail.


    I sometimes feel guilty for this, but I also have trouble with the "a loss is a loss" statement. I can't imagine a women who has had a cp or mc at 5 weeks feels the same pain I do. My babies had names. They had personalities. I delivered them. They took their last breaths in my arms. How can that compare? Sorry if that is too harsh :-S
  • mrswheelomrswheelo member
    edited January 2015
    stefuge said:

    I kind of agree with "a loss is a loss" and yet, I don't. 


    Anyone who has a loss has the right to grieve as they feel necessary. I grieved when I lost my son; I will grieve when I lose my dogs. I will grieve differently, but I will still grieve. 

    I have a friend who very traumatically lost her daughter. I don't try to compare my 2nd tri loss to hers, because they are completely different; but my loss isn't "less" than hers. Just different. 
    This is very true, and is how I try to see it. I have grieved over the loss of grandparents, pets, friendships before the loss of our son, and understandable that everyone has their own grief. And I have learned to not try and pretend like I get what someone else is going through. Because everyone's situation is different, like you said.
    I suppose I feel this way too. I would never tell a mother that her loss was "less" than mine, just that mothers with losses at different stages aren't always able to relate to the TYPE of grief they are feeling. A mother with a miscarriage probably grieves over what could have been. While I grieve over what was, but is no more.

    But I still can't quite get over the "a loss is a loss" comment. It just doesnt sound right. I think @ikrystal‌ summed it up well with the comparison she gave.

    ETA: spelling/structure
    CheesyPeasMorena Mama
  • Ticker warning.....trigger warning for very hurtful book title Same said sil as above text me one day...I was 9 months out from my loss and six months pregnant with my rainbow. She text me and said she's getting this book for me called How not to kill your baby. For parents never been through a loss, I think it was supposed to be a tongue in cheek book, like ha you're going to be a new parent, here is how to survive. But seeing as what I had just gone through, and given the fact that the issue that took our angel could have happened with our rainbow as well, I was of course still grieving and so worried. I was so taken aback by that text, I couldn't even respond, even via text. Now over a year later, I really think our relationship has been negatively affected by that, like things she does bothers me more than they should because I am still so hurt over it. Not having gone through it, I guess she doesn't understand how much guilt we feel and how much we blame ourselves even though we did nothing wrong, so to me this felt like, here is a book to help you keep THIS one alive. But even regardless of that , I cannot believe anyone can be so stupid to think it's OK and even funny to say that to a loss mom, especially via text when she had time to think about it vs just saying it without thinking.
    holy...crap. That's all I have to say!

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  • I'm glad you ladies feel the same way I do about "a loss is a loss". While yes, we all grieve, and everyone experiences it differently, I think having to hold a still baby in your arms, or make a medical decision to terminate, or have a face/name to your child and so on, is different.

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        My Blog

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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
    Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013

    BFP # 2 8/7/14 EDD 4/22/15
    Please be our ra
    inbow!!

    **All AL Welcome**

    Mel&John2013stefugebunnybun4
  • @angelsnight‌ , WTAF was she thinking!? And fu to whoever came up with that book title! What a terrible idea.
  • Ticker warning

    I'm so sorry for all of the jackass things people have had said to them. 

    I also agree with most that "a loss is a loss" is difficult to hear.  I agree with the statement that every loss is painful in its own right, but having suffered both an early loss and a later loss, at the risk of sounding like a judgmental know it all, for me anyway, my later loss was a hell of a lot more painful than my early loss.  My early loss, I grieved for a couple weeks, I was sad, but my sadness continued on as I wasn't getting pregnant.  Had I gotten pregnant quickly there after, it would have made it all easier.

    Of course my early loss was painful, I cried for two days straight.  I will always wonder what that child would have become, and every August I think about how old he/she would have been, but it simply cannot compare with feeling this child inside you for months, falling in love more and more with each passing day, then delivering the child and holding their precious bodies in your arms.  It was painful for me after my daughter was stillborn when people would say, I know just how you feel, I lost a pregnancy at 8 weeks.  I just want to say, no you don't.  Just like, for me, I feel like my loss at 22 weeks cannot be compared with someone who experienced a loss at full term, I can't even imagine.


    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

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