Parents possibly out of town during birth of first grand child?

cjohns82 · January 2015

my parents have a vacation planned when I will be 35-38.5 weeks pregnant. Once my husband and I announced our pregnancy I thought they would cancel it (as they claim to be thrilled about us giving them their first grandchild)..but they have no such plans. They will be driving about 1500 miles to this location, so they won't be able to get home very quickly. I've already gone through a preterm labor scare and there is a good likelihood that I will go early. Obviously I would really like to have my parents there for the birth, but they don't seem to think its a big deal if they miss it by a few days. Am I being selfish by being upset about this? I know it's our baby, but I just expected more support from my own parents.

bdazzld · January 2015

I understand being disappointed. I would have communicated that desire to them earlier though. Perhaps they cannot get a refund on their trip?

Whitfry · January 2015

It is my personal opinion that this is a conversation that should be reserved for you and your parents and that this is an inappropriate location for you to seek advice, as we do not know your family and therefore cannot advise you outside of our own opinions on your behavior.

As you did request opinions on your behavior/reaction regarding this situation in your OP, It is my personal opinion that you are reacting in a selfish manner and that you should, to use a colloquial term, "don some grown-woman undergarments".

Please be advised that I am merely sharing an opinion. It may differ from the opinion you wished to hear or from your own personal opinion.

BitsyBelle84 · January 2015

I don't expect anyone but my husband to be at the birth of our child, and even that is at the discretion of the USAF for me.

I'm sure your parents are excited about their grandchild, but why put their lives on hold because you might go into labor early? Did you ask them if they wanted to be at the birth or if they would be willing to be at the birth? Maybe they think you and your husband having that experience and time to bond before they meet the baby is better.

sweaver93 · January 2015

Honestly, it does sound a bit selfish. There's always the chance you won't go early and they'll be back. But if they are like most people, they've had this trip planned a long time as well as things they will be doing while there. Which you said they had it planned for awhile. My parents will be out of the country right before my due date with no way to contact them on a vacation they've planned for months as well. It was difficult for them to get off work and they are seriously looking forward to it. I couldn't justify asking them to cancel when I could go over my due date theoretically. I would just relax, and if it happens, then it happens and they'll get to meet your lo when they get home.

happybabe123 · January 2015

cjohns82 said:

my parents have a vacation planned when I will be 35-38.5 weeks pregnant. Once my husband and I announced our pregnancy I thought they would cancel it (as they claim to be thrilled about us giving them their first grandchild)..but they have no such plans. They will be driving about 1500 miles to this location, so they won't be able to get home very quickly. I've already gone through a preterm labor scare and there is a good likelihood that I will go early. Obviously I would really like to have my parents there for the birth, but they don't seem to think its a big deal if they miss it by a few days. Am I being selfish by being upset about this? I know it's our baby, but I just expected more support from my own parents.

Yes.

cjohns82 · January 2015

Ok. Got it loud and clear, which is why I haven't made a big deal out of it. This situation is a little different in that they are retired and travel about 50% of the time, so a trip is not a huge deal to them. Also there are no purchased plane tickets, and they will be out no money if they don't go. They have just decided they would like to travel on these dates.

almeyer2013 · January 2015

cjohns82 said:
Ok. Got it loud and clear, which is why I haven't made a big deal out of it. This situation is a little different in that they are retired and travel about 50% of the time, so a trip is not a huge deal to them. Also there are no purchased plane tickets, and they will be out no money if they don't go. They have just decided they would like to travel on these dates.

Good for them.

They will be happy to have a grandbaby to come home with, especially since your proved that you haven't made a big deal about their preset travel plans that just so happen to be around your due date.

hetispagetti · January 2015

Let them go on holiday so what if they always travel it's up to them! If you don't like it lay on the floor kick your legs and scream!! Let me know if it works!

skootnshoot25 · January 2015

My mom lives across country. She wants to be here for the birth and I want her here too. But there's no guarantees because babies don't care about delivery dates and plane tickets. So I have a plan B for the delivery room. Different circumstances, but even though she's retired I can't expect her to come live with me indefinitely until the baby comes. Good luck but we can't always control things like this.

okayestmom12 · January 2015

My IL's leave for Mexico 2 days after my EDD. Good thing I worked around their schedule and set up an RCS for a week before they depart.

ngolimento · January 2015

I personally think that parents of grown children have earned thier right to have thier own identities that don't revolve around thier children. They sacrificed a huge chunk of thier lives putting you first, catering to your schedule, and your needs. They don't 'owe' you this.

Would it be ideal for you to have them there? Sure. Does that mean they need to again put thier lives on indefinite hold to cater to you? Nope. How fun would it be if they canceled thier trip and you were a week late? Just them sitting around, waiting, so you feel more comfortable. Seems beyond selfish to be totes OK with that.

graciest719 · January 2015

Yeah, my mom lives 700 miles away. I would love for her to be here for the birth of her first grandchild, and she would too. But here is her (almost) direct quote: "What am I supposed to do? I mean, I have a life." So do your parents.

stine28 · January 2015

OP, by your logic you would probably like your parents to be around from 35-42 weeks. That is literally 8 weeks, which is deeply unfair to them.

I actually think the timing is pretty good for them to probably be around for the birth. And if you have the kid early, they can decide if they want to come back early. But you're an adult, and you need to deal with the idea of them not being there. This does not mean that they don't love you or that they aren't excited. Just that they're balancing their priorities.

thursday · January 2015

My parents decided not to go to Hawaii because it is too close to my due date and I feel bad. I told them they should go. Granted the situation is different, it is a conference they go to annually and it is in a different location every year, they just found out the location last month so it isn't exactly pre-planned like your parents and my mom is the only person I want in the delivery room just like last time that is not a doctor or nurse. Maybe this will be good for you to have time bonding time with the baby for you and your husband.

Engineer81 · January 2015

My mom is in a nursing home and my dad is dead. Husbands mom is dead and his dad is not in his life at all. So there are no grandparents period. And there weren't the first time either. We survived. You'll be fine if they are gone. It's called perspective.

Bluebell0315 · January 2015

I don't want my parents there this time. They were there for my first kiddo, and they got on my last nerve. They have strict instructions to not come until I call and tell them to.

djoliet · January 2015

I gave birth to my first halfway across the country from my parents (I lived in NY at the time, they were here in TX) and it wasn't a big deal at all. My ex mother in law wanted to fly in since I was having an induction but I politely refused because she would have drove me crazy. My ex husband wasn't even there for the birth either but I still did fine by myself. I understand wanting to have your parents there but there's a chance you may not even go into labor in that time frame so why worry about it.

kmvisioli · January 2015

Both my parents and my in-laws live several states away from us, so I can relate to the disappointment of them not being in the waiting room for the excitement (mine will be first grandkid on both sides). But it actually sounds like your parents have it planned so that they will be around close to your due date, which is sweet. And maybe they think it would be more fun and helpful to be nearby right after baby is born, rather than sitting on hold waiting for the "I'm in labor" call.

capulet · January 2015

cjohns82 said:

my parents have a vacation planned when I will be 35-38.5 weeks pregnant. Once my husband and I announced our pregnancy I thought they would cancel it (as they claim to be thrilled about us giving them their first grandchild)..but they have no such plans. They will be driving about 1500 miles to this location, so they won't be able to get home very quickly. I've already gone through a preterm labor scare and there is a good likelihood that I will go early. Obviously I would really like to have my parents there for the birth, but they don't seem to think its a big deal if they miss it by a few days. Am I being selfish by being upset about this? I know it's our baby, but I just expected more support from my own parents.

How is that obvious? A lot of people (including DH and I) don't live near their families and can't expect their parents to be there for the birth under any circumstances. A lot of other people do live near their families but would rather spend those first few hours or days just with their DH/SO and new baby. They probably don't think it's a big deal because it is not obvious that it should be a big deal. The grandparent/grandchild develops over years; your child doesn't need it to happen from the minute it pops out.

FrecklesInside · January 2015

Why is it likely you'll give birth early? I don't get when people say this. Even having had a ptl scare or having had a prior preterm birth, there are no guarantees. Why assume you'll give birth early??

mangomimosa · January 2015

My H is out of town from 37&5-38&3...

Anyway, I WANT time alone with my new little family before grandparents come. What role do you see for your parents in this? If you needed your mom for labor support, you should have talked to her about it months ago. If just to meet baby - yes. You are being selfish. They cannot sit on their hands for 2 months waiting for baby. Chances are you will not deliver by 38.5 weeks,, and if you do, they'll meet baby when they get back.

mangomimosa · January 2015

jennypm said:

mangomimosa said:

My H is out of town from 37&5-38&3...

Anyway, I WANT time alone with my new little family before grandparents come. What role do you see for your parents in this? If you needed your mom for labor support, you should have talked to her about it months ago. If just to meet baby - yes. You are being selfish. They cannot sit on their hands for 2 months waiting for baby. Chances are you will not deliver by 38.5 weeks,, and if you do, they'll meet baby when they get back.

I apparently need more sleep. Do you know how long that took me to figure out that you meant 37weeks5days through 38weeks3days. I thought it was some nurse code for the month of March.

Hehe!! Sorry to be confusing - yes I meant 37 wk 5 d - 38 wk 3 d.

lisap0924 · January 2015

I agree that yes, this does sound selfish. I can see where you may feel disappointed, but to expect your parents to cancel a trip-that I'm sure they have spent good money on and have been looking forward to, is silly.
They will see the baby when they get home.

chelc32188 · January 2015

My parents just let me know yesterday they are planning a little vacation 2ish weeks before my due date and asked if I was offended by this. I honestly am not. Just like lots have said already - I would feel terrible if they decided NOT to go and baby did NOT come early. DH and I have also decided that after the baby is born, we want some time where it is just the 3 of us, and depending on when he is born, may not take any visitors until the next day. He will also be the only one in the delivery room with me during the ACTUAL labor/delivery. We have sort of had the opposite conversation - come to the hospital if you'd like - feel free to hang out during the beginning of labor - but for PUSHING + a few hrs after - it will just be the 3 of us. If everyone knows that and STILL chooses to wait around, that is their decision.

My mom and I are SUPER close, but still I feel more comfortable with it just being DH and I. While I can see how your feelings may be a bit hurt - its not like you can be certain baby will come when they are gone.

johnson617 · January 2015

I wouldn't expect my parents to change previous plans to accommodate my birthing, since it may or may not even happen during that time. My ILs had no desire to come see us until we were home and it was their first local grandchild. Everyone has different feelings and while I understand being a little upset, I don't think you can hold it against them.

cafecreme · January 2015

My SIL booked a trip to Disney World last month for Feb.23 - March 7th. My due date is March 8th. What am I going to do, tell them to cancel it so they can see the baby? If I have the baby during their vacation, then oh well. They can see it when they get back.

Waiting a week to see the baby isn't the end of the world.

071115 · January 2015

My husband will be out of town until a day before my due date, I am freaking out about that... But if my parents already had plans that would be fine they can meet their grandchild when they get back.
Even if they had all the time in the world and it wouldn't be a big deal to change it, why should that matter? That is their life they should be able to do with it what they want.

MrsLaurenandDan · January 2015

FrecklesInside said:

Why is it likely you'll give birth early? I don't get when people say this. Even having had a ptl scare or having had a prior preterm birth, there are no guarantees. Why assume you'll give birth early??

Unrelated to the OP, but this bugged me. I know I say it because because statistically it IS more likely if you have had a prior preterm birth that you will again. My MFM also told us that the majority of people on P17 shots to prevent PTL will deliver within 2 weeks of their last shot. (The shots are weekly, so within a week of the first missed shot) I have also seen something that said 2/3 would deliver with in 3 weeks of their last shot (2 weeks of first missed shot) Those seem like pretty convincing statistics to me. So sure, I could be in the 1/3 that doesn't, and I could make it to my EDD. But I say it is likely that I will deliver early, because statistically speaking, it is.

Mic512 · January 2015

I did not live near my family when DS was born, my mom came & spent a few days before my scheduled c-section with us & then the whole following week. This being said I asked her to be there from the minute I knew I was pregnant. If you did not ask them to be there you can't really expect them to read your mind. This all could be for nothing if you deliver on time or late, try not to stress about it. My in-laws did not come until he was 2 weeks old, no idea when they are coming with this LO.

mandi195 · January 2015

I really don't understand why anyone would feel entitled to ever say anything to someone about something like this. So your parents will be out of town, so what? Did you plan on them catching the baby and cutting the cord for you? Do you need them to hold your hand during labor? I'm just confused by the mentality, I guess.

I'm incredibly close with my family. We do lunch every Sunday, and then spend the day at my parents house. My brother and his wife join us whenever brother isn't working (fire fighter = crazy schedule). While I hope they're all around and available to come meet our LO when we're ready for visitors, I would never have the nerve to tell my parents that they are out of line for booking a trip on or around my due date. My brother and his wife specifically planned their vacation for the last week of February because my brother didn't want to be out of town when LO gets here; however, there is always a chance I can go early and he'll still miss it. Am I upset at him for going out of town? Not a bit. I'm jealous and want to go to Costa Rica with them!

gnomemom · January 2015

I don't know what you mean by you "expected more" from your parents, as if they have betrayed you in some way.

I'm sorry you are disappointed in their choice. But, yeah, you are being selfish. They should not have to put their life on hold because there's a chance you might go into labor a few weeks early.

kaynjay530 · January 2015

I wouldn't want my parents there anyway. I love them to death, but when I give birth and thereafter is my time with my new family. I want to bond with my baby as does my husband. The thought of anyone else barging in and waiting around while I give birth annoys me to no end. That's me though.

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