Advice for handling visitors (especially in-laws)

rosascol · January 2015

I was wondering if anyone has advice for setting guidelines for visitors in the hospital and after you bring your new baby home. I'm not concerned about my family, because I can easily tell them to leave anytime and they also know to be helpful, keep things short, and respect my space, but I am concerned about my in-laws or other excited guests who want to visit.

Any advice? How do you nicely tell people to keep visits short? What is a reasonable length of time to expect visitors to stay? Any advice or personal stories welcome!

bluelotus13 · January 2015

I didn't get any visiting friends when I was in the hospital with my first (I was there for only a couple of days). My own family came each day and my in-laws were there the night of the birth and then came back for an actual "visit" but had their own time frame they wanted to keep within. After the hospital I only had one or two friends who actually invited themselves over to see me which made me both happy and also triggered my first experience of not really wanting to be around people while I was still recovering haha I'm really shy about telling people what I would prefer to have as a length of time for a visit and usually either stick it out and let them decide (which can be awkward for everyone) or rely on them to make the call around their own schedule.
This time around, though, I'm much more confident in my own sense of what I feel is appropriate for a visit length and won't be having visitors in the hospital apart from close family. I'm also prepared to schedule visits at home around the baby's schedule (utilizing nap times, etc) or anything else that could be a good natural "timer". I think in most cases, though, visitors end up taking cues from the mother and can tell when would be an appropriate end to the visit. As for length of visits, that's really up to you and what you'll feel you'll be able to handle and what will be comfortable for your baby.

menta84 · January 2015

I don't know if there is any polite way to tell someone to leave your house? I agree with maybe telling them you have to go nurse and they may take the hint. I personally would never tell my immediate family (or anyone) "hey it's time to go..", not sure how your relationship is with them but my parents and siblings are comfortable enough with me and DH that if I had to go nap or whatever, they can just watch tv or hang out, or leave whenever they want. It wouldn't bother me because I know I don't have to entertain them. Now with extended family and friends is a bit different.

I would assume most people with common sense would try to keep visits short when there is a newborn but again, I don't think there is a polite way to say: "Sure you can visit but ONLY for one hour...". I mean putting a time frame on a visit is pretty rude in my opinion.

What has worked for me in the past is just tell them I have an appointment (doctor, dentist, school, online class, or whatever) later that afternoon so I eventually politely excuse myself because I have to "get ready"...People understand. I haven't done it due to a newborn but I have done it due to medical issues where I really just wanted to go sleep and rest. I guess you would know your audience better than anyone but for me personally, I would feel offended if someone told me "ok I think you should go home now" lol idk just my two cents! Good luck.

rosascol · January 2015

thanks for sharing your experiences and advice! i agree it's rude to put a time limit on guests, but here's my problem. i'm not the kind of person who can have people over and not 'host'- my house has to be completely spotless, i have to look presentable, and have food, drinks, etc. it's not this way with my family though.

my sister-in-law just had a baby and has had issues with our in-laws dropping in and staying extended time, even when she's clearly overwhelmed and only holding it together to put on a good face for company. she's very exhausted from hosting and the in-laws aren't taking cues or helping out at all.

Unknown · January 2015

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rosascol · January 2015

thanks everyone for the feedback. @ladycersei, it's comforting to hear your honesty- as a first time mom-to-be in 2 weeks (hopefully), this is kind of what i needed to hear to know it's okay to be selfish

Unknown · January 2015

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mikeANDjen448 · January 2015

I completely agree with @ladycersei‌ ! I was so nervous about this issue last time and had so much anxiety over it. But after having DD and realizing that its hard damn work I had no issue being blunt. Not rude, but assertive. For example: with my parents and in-laws I got to the point where I said, "I don't mind if you stay but could you help with dishes or laundry since I'm the primary caregiver for the baby right now?" I kind of had to show them how to be helpful because honestly, it's new to them too! (Grandpa renting that is). Even if it's not THEIR first grandchild, it's their first from YOU. And most parents truly want to help. But helping isn't necessarily sitting there holding baby all the time. I did that for a while and tried to do laundry, etc and wore myself out more than I should. It really affected me until I learned that it was ok to be a little selfish and if I switched places with them I would want to know

jennypolkadots · January 2015

I remember reading somewhere that a protective mother is seen as bat shit crazy, while a protective father is adorable haha. DH knows he will get to be the "bad guy" and is totally cool with that. He enjoys privacy just like I do and I feel sure he won't let people overstay their welcome. His side of the family is the only one I've worried about, but he's assured me it won't be an issue and he will make sure of it.

We are birthing in a birth center and if everything goes well will be home about 6 hours later. We aren't planning on any visitors for at least 24 hours, and only close family and friends for short visits after that. We can play it by ear and see how everything is going, but I totally plan to use the "I have to go upstairs to nurse" excuse and let my husband usher people out. The thing is, the baby is not interested in anyone but you and your husband in those first several weeks. It's still important to let others feel included in your excitement, but keep in mind that it's not about them at all. You also don't have to let everyone hold your baby. Don't feel bad for telling people to leave you alone, they will get over it.

jennypolkadots · January 2015

Also I totally agree with others. We are going to have a chore list on the fridge so if people ask if they can do anything, there's the list!

I plan to use a k'tan wrap so holding the baby wouldn't be much help at all. DH will also be home with me for the first several weeks, so that's another factor. And he works just 5 minutes away and comes home for lunch every day. I plan to just sorta roll with it and not let people bother me too much.

jennypolkadots · January 2015

@lemoncookie09 -

Could you tell your parents ahead of time "I wish you guys lived closer, I hate that you will have to drive 2 hours just for a very short visit. I don't think we will feel up to much company in the first few weeks." I would say 99% of people will get the hint that a quick visit is the right move and not be offended. I think having a primer like this makes it where it doesn't come as a surprise when they show up and you only want them there for an hour.

Just make your house super boring. Don't make extra food for guests. Go nap with the baby in another room and nurse, let your husband worry about the guests. Your parents should understand it's a huge transition time for you and they are not the priority. You absolutely do not need to worry about feeding them or entertaining, you just had a baby!

rosascol · January 2015

jennypolkadots very good advice!

amylueken · January 2015

In my family we tell everyone no visitors the first week we are home just so we can adjust. If we need something we call. I was very lucky that my older brother brought it up in the hospital when my in laws happened to be visiting. Don't get me wrong my mom dropped off a meal one day but left right away.

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