PGAL check in 1/6

CrouchingTiger · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit? 9 weeks 2 days. Olive

2. How is PGAL brain treating you? It was going well until I got on here tonight. Told my mother that the week was going fast...she then proceeded to inform me that it is only Tuesday....then I cried.

3. Appointments this week? No appointment until the 12th. Getting really anxious. Hoping on the 12th the OB will schedule another ultrasound.

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)? I really enjoy pulled pork from a local family owned bbq joint.

purplegaloshes · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit? 6 weeks 2 days. Sweet pea.

2. How is PGAL brain treating you? Like a fickle b*tch. I was feeling better after making it through my previous miscarriage date (5w5d) and taking yet another pregnancy test on Saturday morning that showed BFP with hCG 3+ weeks past ovulation. (For reference, I have been compulsively taking pregnancy tests since my previous loss occurred when I had bad cramps one weekend morning while laying in bed and decided to take a pregnancy test to make myself feel better. It came back stone cold negative--it was non-digital--and then when I wiped had spotting that quickly turned into more). Monday morning at 3am I woke up with terrible nausea that lasted through most of the day--it was awful, but it felt like some sort of glorious confirmation that this was real…until it completely resolved as of today with no meds/remedies whatsoever. My boobs also are feeling less sore, which freaks me out. It feels so strange to WISH for nausea… I had mild cramps all day and as I am pretty much every day, I was convinced that "this is is--it's all over" and came home and took a pregnancy test. Pregnant, 3+ weeks post ovulation. Heavy sigh.

3. Appointments this week? First OB appt on 1/27, which still feels like a million years away. I never made it to my first OB appointment last time, so I don't know what to expect. It hadn't occurred to me until visiting these boards that she might not even DO an ultrasound (I'll be 9w2d) which makes me crazy! I know I need to find a way to feel better about this independent of an ultrasound anyhow, though, because as all the stories I've been reading here prove, you're never REALLY 'safe.' Heavy sigh #2.

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)? Another foodie here. I love food in general, but I think really good aged manchego has to be one of the greats. Sashimi also tops the list, but that's out for now.

Kath1083 · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit? I still have to see the doctor after u/s- but dating from the u/s puts me at 9w 4d, lmp says 9 w 6d- olive.

2. How is PGAL brain treating you? I am much better today after a very strong u/s yesterday. However I have a nasty sinus infection and am now worried about the antibiotic- even though my obgyn was the one who wrote the perscription. Either way we are now past the point of our last loss, so that has me feeling a little more at ease.

3. Appointments this week? Had u/s yesterday, but meet with doctor thursday.

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)? Chicago deep dish pizza. Although this week with my sinus infection- soup!

RunCC37 · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit?
10 weeks today, green olive (baby is measuring 6 days behind)

2. How is PGAL brain treating you?
Not so good... My loss is from this pregnancy (vanishing twin) so it has been challenging to grieve while still being pregnant (first pregnancy)

3. Appointments this week?
I had one yesterday - baby was wiggling on the screen!!! Arms and legs moving all over the place! It was amazing!

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)?
Chocolate ice cream. Sometimes for dinner. Mmmmmm

queenb+ · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit
10 weeks today - prune.

2. How is PGAL brain treating you?
It changes daily. Today I'm not bad, but some days I'm extremely anxious. My mc was a mmc - discovered at 12+ weeks but baby stopped developing before 8. I've had very few symptoms - and the ones I have I always seem to dismiss or attribute to something unrelated. I saw the heartbeat at 6w6d with an okay but slightly low fhr of 118 bpm so I've been over analyzing that for weeks. Unfortunately I know I won't really be able to breathe easy until my 12 week scan.

3. Appointments this week?
I have a check up with my doctor tomorrow, but it won't be an u/s. I'll ask him to check for a heartbeat with the doppler - I don't have high hopes that he'll find anything, but if he does it'll be a HUGE relief.

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)?
Buffalo chicken Caesar wraps are up there. I love most pastas. Thai curry.

I haven't posted in the PgAL group previously because it made me too nervous for some reason. I'm so sorry for everyone that has had to experience this type of loss - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Good luck to everyone - especially those with upcoming appointments or who have been dealing with complications/scares.

lc&jw · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit? 9w4d

2. How is PGAL brain treating you? I'm doing sort of okay right now, although the many losses on our board is throwing me for a loop at times too. Having been there and knowing how it feels, it's so sad for me to read those posts.

3. Appointments this week? None this week. Last appt was at 9w0d, and my next one won't be until 12w3d. So my big challenge right now is playing the waiting game and hoping that everything is okay. I do have prenatal screening scheduled for next week, but that will only be a blood draw, no appt.

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)? Pasta, and cake.

lc&jw · January 2015

Ladies, I just want to say how grateful I am for the group of awesome posters we have here, and thank you to @tlc35 for keeping this check-in going.

@piedpiper07 I hope you've gotten good news. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

@raelynn71109 I'm crossing my fingers that you get good news at your next ultrasound. I know this wait is agonizing!

For all of you who are struggling with PGAL brain, one thing I've tried to keep in mind lately is that I have no control over what happens with this pregnancy. Whatever the outcome is meant to be, that's what will happen. But I do have a choice about whether to worry. I can choose to worry myself sick and be miserable, or I can choose to try to think positive and hope for the best. As someone who has done plenty of past worrying and still had bad outcomes, I'm trying to accept what I can't control and stay optimistic. When I think about bad things that could happen, I remind myself that I have no evidence right now that those things are happening.

I'm finding that along with my own worries about things that have gone wrong with my past pregnancies, I've also started to take on worries about things that have happened to others (later losses, etc.). We can't do that. Some of these issues are very low probability events. We all deserve to enjoy these pregnancies to the best we can. Yes, there will be anxiety, but we can't let it overcome us.

For those of us who are having decent PGAL days, hopefully we can be here to cheerlead and lift up those who need some extra support. And for those of us who are struggling, don't be afraid to post and ask for some extra support. We're here to give it. I'm pulling for all of us to be here in August, celebrating the births of our babies together!

piedpiper07 · January 2015

Thanks so much for the thoughts ladies. I had a 7 hour wait alone at the ER today. My cervix is closed and I finally get an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I am really really praying for good news. Thanks for the support it means a lot.

I am really pulling for everyone here.

Wilde83 · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit?
8 w 0d...raspberry

2. How is PGAL brain treating you?
AWFUL!!!! We saw the heartbeat yesterday...nice and strong, but all I could think of was "yeah, but we had that the whole time last time." I couldn't be excited and don't think I'll calm down till they tell me this one has kidneys, which unfortunately is a long way to go from now.

3. Appointments this week?
Just had one yesterday. Anticipating one with a genetic counselor to see what our chances are of having another baby with no kidneys or bladder

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)?

Macaroni and cheese

benmel31 · January 2015

How far along: 7w 2d. Blueberry

PGAL brain: doing better this week because I am busier being back at work and I got through last week which were the same days that I m/c in September.

Appointments: nothing till next Thursday.

GTKY Favorite food: lobster and shrimp.

Seh114 · January 2015

1. 8 weeks today! Raspberry
2. It sucks!!! 2 days of no symptoms and that's what happened with our last loss. Trying hard to stay positive since we did see a heartbeat last Friday.
3. Just went last Friday. Next one is at 11 weeks.
4. Mexican. Yummmm

chavemann10 · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit?
Actually, unknown until this Friday. At minimum 6w4d today. I'll go with that estimate and say Blueberry.

2. How is PGAL brain treating you?
Not so great! I'm now freaking out about everything. Luckily, I'm still having pretty rough MS all day long, so I'm actually glad for it, because it means I'm still PG.

3. Appointments this week?
This friday, first appointment, hoping for an U/S so we can get an idea of how far along I really am. Max-12wks, minimum 6w4d.

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)?
I'm craving red meat and fruit. DH made me steak last night, and I was full after about 4 bites, but totally ate the whole thing because it tasted so good. And, to help with my MS, I'm drinking fruit smoothies in the morning for breakfast and again for lunch. I pack kale or spinach in it too to get the added boost I need, since green leafy veggies make me sick just looking at them.

melsner · January 2015

@lc&jc and @Annabananabom‌ Your words touched me this morning. I have been ignoring all feelings as a result of PGAL. I have tried not to let myself be sad or anxious, and succeeded most of the time. But, I have also denied myself happiness and excitement. It has caused me to walk around in a fog most days. I have been miserable because the only thing I do feel is my crappy symptoms.

Today I will be happy about my pregnancy. Today I will write in my pregnancy journal (which I haven't been able to bring myself to yet). Today, if I get a little sad, I will let myself feel that too.

Thank you again ladies for all the support. Just by sharing your stories, a have felt better.

purplegaloshes · January 2015

My husband and I were talking tonight about some of the stories I've read on these boards--women who made it to their 20 week scan and beyond before finding out something terrible and losing their pregnancy. Last year a dear friend of mine found out at 21 weeks her baby had anencephaly--it was truly horrible. I sobbed with her.

I guess I'm struggling because even though I've been keeping my 1/27 new OB appt in my head as some sort of landmark beyond which my PGAL brain would improve, I'm seeing that there will always be something to worry about. I think that maybe the message is that parenthood makes us inherently vulnerable in a way that we can't escape, even before we give birth. After we give birth, the vulnerability continues just because we care so very much about our little ones.

DH pointed out that if all of this is true, then perhaps the end goal should be not constantly trying to "find out" what will happen (read: counting days until ultrasounds, overanalyzing symptoms or lack thereof, etc.), but rather to find a way to be okay with not knowing.

I know a lot of you have suffered unimaginable loss compared to my single, early miscarriage, and I feel like there is wisdom in your experience. Can any of you share ways that you have learned to embrace the unknown rather than pushing back against it?

Deenie1230 · January 2015

1. How far along are you? What fruit?

8 weeks 1 day/ raspberry

2. How is PGAL brain treating you?
Today was a big milestone after we measured and heard a strong heart beat with great measurements.

3. Appointments this week?

Today and then again next week (another us and labs)

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)?

apples and PB

divinemsbee · January 2015

Can I FFW(although I guess it's almost Thursday)C in here?

I realized that I have my appointments set for the next almost 6 weeks. My 12 week OB appointment, my genetics class, and I have a referral to set up a dating u/s (which seems totally unnecessary, but it's there). Here's the deal: I can't bring myself to call and set up the u/s or write any upcoming appointments past Friday on the calendar. A woman from the family life/new parent program called to set up a meeting with me and I have it written on a sheet of paper, but it's not on my calendar. I'm just still so nervous. I need to get through Friday. I need to see that heartbeat again. I know if we've seen it once and before I thought that was all that mattered, but there have been so many 'we saw it and now it's not there' posts lately that my nerves are jangling.

Also, that family life/new parent support group lady is meeting me at my house, which I'm not entirely comfortable with. I mean, we don't live in a sty or anything, but it makes me antsy. Like we're being checked out. Which is probably me being paranoid and weird. My friend is coming over the weekend before to help me scrub the house, which is good.

centralperk · January 2015

Annabananabom said:

Talking to someone has really helped me, even when things are going well. I'm still seeing a psychologist every month or so to help me talk through the experience of becoming a mother and to help me process my thoughts and feelings. I also lean heavily on the supportive people in my life - H, friends, family, coworkers.

Taking time out to practise mindfulness and meditation has helped me find some peace and become a more resilient person. A lot of the time (not all of the time) I can recognise negative thoughts and emotions before I act out, or before they get out of control.

I also practise gratitude. I try to replace negative thoughts with grateful ones. I write down what I'm thankful for. I tell people what I'm thankful for. Even when it feels false, even when it feels like the anxiety outweighs the gratefulness, I still practise so that I can cultivate true gratitude in my life.

I try to be ok with not being ok. When I do feel overwhelmed or anxious or worried or scared I try not to fight those feelings. It sucks and it's uncomfortable, but I know that the sooner I give myself permission to not feel ok the sooner I can start to process those feelings in appropriate ways.

If you got this far you deserve a gold fucking star. Sorry for the long post, but thanks for letting me get this all out. It's been a great reminder for me of all the things I've been thinking about lately and trying to achieve!

I'm a lurker coming out but I just wanted to say I completely agree with the above and basically all the rest of your posts.

Talking to someone after my first loss really helped me and I continued to talk to them throughout my pregnancy which was a really good thing because I ended suffering from pretty bad PPD. I had all this guilt over my loss still and the a lot of guilt from not really bonding with my baby and *feeling* like a mother. It took me a long time to really feel like a mom. I know this is way ahead of the game but in 10 months someone is feeling really lost please feel to PM me because I have been there.

I really like what you wrote about gratefulness and it something I really want to work on

And the last part of letting yourself not be okay is so true. It sucks being there but for me if I fight it and pretend everything is okay it just makes it 10 worse when I try to deal with it all.

hugs to all of you that are having a hard time today

centralperk · January 2015

divinemsbee said:

Can I FFW(although I guess it's almost Thursday)C in here?

I realized that I have my appointments set for the next almost 6 weeks. My 12 week OB appointment, my genetics class, and I have a referral to set up a dating u/s (which seems totally unnecessary, but it's there). Here's the deal: I can't bring myself to call and set up the u/s or write any upcoming appointments past Friday on the calendar. A woman from the family life/new parent program called to set up a meeting with me and I have it written on a sheet of paper, but it's not on my calendar. I'm just still so nervous. I need to get through Friday. I need to see that heartbeat again. I know if we've seen it once and before I thought that was all that mattered, but there have been so many 'we saw it and now it's not there' posts lately that my nerves are jangling.

Also, that family life/new parent support group lady is meeting me at my house, which I'm not entirely comfortable with. I mean, we don't live in a sty or anything, but it makes me antsy. Like we're being checked out. Which is probably me being paranoid and weird. My friend is coming over the weekend before to help me scrub the house, which is good.

Hugs

it's okay to not write anything down on the calendar. Is it possible your partner (So\DH) could call and set up your scan. The only thing I would be worried about is if your practice is really busy and hard to get an appointment you don't want to wait too long.

I get the feelings of just wanting to see the HB again. I just had a scan on Tues. and am already counting down the days until my next one. PAL is a mind f*ck. ((hugs))

Try not to worry about your house. I am sure this lady has seen it all. Hopefully with your friend coming to help clean will put your mind at ease.

centralperk · January 2015

Thanks for the checkin

1. How far along are you? What fruit?

10 weeks 5 days

2. How is PGAL brain treating you?
I am doing okay. Falling sleeping and waking up in the middle of night is the hardest. I keep having these awful dreams.

3. Appointments this week?

We had a scan on Tuesday which shown that baby has caught up to my first EDD of August 1 and possible July 31. I have scheduled my NT scan for next Friday.

baby totally had both arms and legs wiggling out

4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)?

Really enjoying mexican lately

purplegaloshes · January 2015

@divinemsbee

I totally understand how you feel. Making appointments and attending meetings related to my pregnancy this early makes me feel more vulnerable somehow--like in admitting to myself that I think it might actually happen this time, I'm priming myself for a greater disappointment if it doesn't work out. I agree with @central perk 's suggestion--having your partner schedule the appointments and be in charge of managing the calendar and potential cancelations seems like a fair trade for what we have to go through.

@Annabananabom

Thank you so much for an incredibly thoughtful and well written post. I am really looking forward to watching those Ted Talks this evening. Ironically, my husband has mentioned those very ones before in a different context! I have talked to counselors before and found them helpful, so I will have to consider seeing one over the next few months. Logistics are tricky for me right now as my work schedule is unbelievably demanding for the next 11 weeks...

hope2432 · January 2015

laurennowa said:

1. How far along are you? What fruit? 7 weeks, blueberry, but almost a raspberry! 2. How is PGAL brain treating you? I'm doing pretty good right now. I got to see our little berry yesterday and everything looked really good. My doc has agreed to ultrasounds every 2-3 weeks just to ease my mind. She also told me I could take a baby aspirin which has helped ease my mind. I lost the baby sometime during the 15th week and they think I had a blood clot. I just need to do something different than last time to make me feel better. 3. Appointments this week? Just met with the doc yesterday. Everything looked so good. I am cautiously optomistic 4. GTKY: What is your favorite food/meal (when not having aversions)? Wow, just one?? I am a major foodie and I like just about all types of food

Thought you might like to hear my story. With my first pregnancy, I lost the baby around week 16, and the doctor thought it *might* have been from a clot. With my following pregnancy, I took baby aspirin from the beginning, had zero problems through out, and had a beautiful baby girl. This time around I'm still taking the baby aspirin. Feeling a little bit more confident than last time since things turned out so well, but still have those paranoid thoughts every day. I had a good US on Tuesday and saw the heartbeat, but the past two days my nausea seems to be gone. Praying for my symptoms to return to give me some peace of mind! Hoping for a healthy pregnancy for you!!

cpedward · January 2015

@purplegaloshes I totally relate to this. I had a really difficult time scheduling my ob/gyn appointment in my phone because I couldn't help remembering the pain of deleting the calendar events after my prior losses. I felt like if I scheduled it in my phone, it would be bad luck and the same thing would happen again. I just keep telling myself that today, everything is exactly as it should be and that even if the worst happens, I will survive. I've been through this before and I am a stronger woman for it. My relationship with my husband has been strengthened like iron in fire and it has brought me closer to other women in my family who experienced losses. My mother in law was an immense emotional support for me (I hope you have someone like that you can check-in with on a day-to-day basis). The experience inspired me that one day, when we do have children (when - not if, because it will happen eventually somehow, someway), if (and I hope this never happens) my daughter or daughter-in-law has a miscarriage, I will be able to offer the same love and support I found from my mother-in-law.

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