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June 2015 Moms
Husband cheated and need advice
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Husband cheated and need advice
I don't think anyone can fault you for that. That's not at all the kind of 'other woman' I was referring to. However, plenty of women would have stayed with him even after finding out about the wife with his promise of divorcing her or something. Lots and lots of (broken) women do not care about a man being married.
Okay, but isn't it pretty obvious that the man stopped caring about the fact that he was married first? And anyways, how you can accuse the "other" woman in the situation of breaking up a marriage when clearly it's a husband who is breaking up a marriage? In my opinion at least, the marriage has already failed when the husband starts looking for sex outside marriage.
2nd round exp 8/20/18.
ETA: I'm not all "grab the pitch forks lets burn the witch" at all. I think they're obviously both responsible, but I believe the man is responsible for his marriage and it's no one's fault but his own if he fucks it up. Same goes for wife if the situation is flipped.
BFP-7/15/14, CP-7/27/14
BFP-10/25/14, EDD-6/23/15 7/6/15
We will be starting counseling (marriage as well as individual) and is mandatory we do not miss any sessions for any reason
If this happens again or he breaks my trust and can't stick to our new relationship of trust and love - because we all know - actions speak louder than words...I will leave. I just don't want anyone here to think I am a pushover because that I am not. I have to give it a fight at least..but I know that if it happens again..we will be done. And I will let him know that if there is any flirting I find out about I will be gone. Nothing is tolerated from here on out.
I am preparing for myself and LO from here on out because like some mentioned it is important to be prepared.
Thank you to everyone for your support during this awful time and I appreciate the words of advice. I really do appreciate the time each of you took to help me.
BFP #1: 11 October 2014
EDD: 22 June 2015 -- updated DD: 20 June 2015
BFP #1: 11 October 2014
EDD: 22 June 2015 -- updated DD: 20 June 2015
BFP #1: 11 October 2014
EDD: 22 June 2015 -- updated DD: 20 June 2015
BFP #1: 11 October 2014
EDD: 22 June 2015 -- updated DD: 20 June 2015
I think you are doing all of the right things...my only additional suggestions would be to speak to an attorney - when I thought I was leaving my husband I did things to protect myself financially as well as our son. He is still off of our savings account (he can deposit only) - he's the breadwinner, so I will need the money to help me until I find a job, if it came to that - it will be taken off a final settlement so it's not hiding or stealing. (He knows about the account now and is fine with it in my name.)
Change your passwords if you are communicating with an attorney through email.
Many will consult for free or a couple hundred dollars, mine was free.
Don't let anyone make you think you're weak for trying to work it out...as I said before it's very easy for someone else to tell you to leave! I also agree that staying together for your baby is not the answer, but if you can make it work perhaps it will make you a stronger couple, better able to deal with the issues of marriage.
I wish you only luck, love and strength!!!!
Don't contact the other woman or threaten her with the video. It'll just add more drama. If this truly was all over a year ago, there's no sense in pulling this girl back into your marital issues. I also don't think it would make you feel better in the long run.
Please listen to PPs who mentioned talking to a lawyer and potentially moving money into an account that he can't touch because you do have to protect yourself. Someone suggested that you get an STD test and I think that you should require that HE gets tested, too, and that you get to see the test results.
I'd also consider using the website that a PP mentioned that will download all deleted content from his phone. If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't mind letting you. Depending on the circumstances, I think I could forgive infidelity, but I could not forgive being lied to after it was "confessed." Maybe you could give him a chance to confess anything that he hasn't already confessed and let him know that if you find out he was lying about or omitting anything, there will be no reconciliation.
Me (31) Him (31)
Married: 5/2013
CP: 9/18/14 (4w:4d)
BFP: 10/16/14 EDD: 6/21/15
I mostly agree with you. I was trying to give the OP the best case scenario (because what if he IS telling the truth?), but the video thing is really gross. Still, he could have deleted it from his phone and it could have uploaded to the Cloud automatically assuming he had an iPhone. That would explain how OP found it even though he had deleted it from one device.
From what the OP has said about the girl being really skanky and a 20-year old at the time, it's not impossible in my mind that she could have sent the video before they ever slept together, possibly trying to entice him into it. If she was older or more mature, I'd find it much more unlikely.
And going back to the whole thing about women who go after married men being pathetic, etc., there ARE men and women who purposefully go after people in relationships. I was friends with a girl whose second husband did this (he "stole" her from her abusive husband). He said, "It's easier to go after a girl in a relationship. You only have to compete against one guy instead of every guy."
Me (31) Him (31)
Married: 5/2013
CP: 9/18/14 (4w:4d)
BFP: 10/16/14 EDD: 6/21/15
BFP-7/15/14, CP-7/27/14
BFP-10/25/14, EDD-6/23/15 7/6/15
This is not to say that people don't make mistakes and that there aren't marriages that can survive cheating because there are. I just see no point in making excuses for the behavior in the first place.
Also, if my husband came to me and told me he had feelings or an urge to be with another woman I would probably leave as well. It is not my responsibility to "support" him and try to "help" him get through that. Yeah, just no.
No.
This isn't a movie. You don't make googley eyes at someone and then cut to naked in bed mid-thrusting.
You decide to flirt
You decide to cross the line and get physical
You decide to go back to their place or vis versa
You decide to remove clothing
You decide to put someone else's genitals in your mouth/genitals
You decide to go home and try to cover up what you did, lie about it , and potentially expose your unknowing spouse to diseases.
Sometimes you decide to keep doing that on a regular basis.
It's not a fucking accident.
I agree monogamy isn't for everyone. But if you get married, and promise monogamy, you can't unilaterally make the decision that monogamy isn't for you anymore and act on it. That's being a selfish asshole.
That being said, most cheaters don't cheat just once. So if a partner doesn't want to stick around to see if it happens again, I respect that too.
OP- I'm really sorry you are going through this, and especially at such a sensitive time in your life. That said, I don't believe him for one millisecond that he wasn't sexually involved with this woman. I don't care if he swore on the life of his unborn child. The harsh reality is that if you decide to stay in this relationship, not only do you both need intense counseling, you both need to be checked for STDs, at the very least for the sake of your baby.
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
BFP-7/15/14, CP-7/27/14
BFP-10/25/14, EDD-6/23/15 7/6/15
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
Don't worry, this was actually discussed (page 3?). It's so easy to lose track of time and make a mistake. I think best effort goes a long way here--which you showed by waiting until after 1 to post again and acknowledge
J15 January Siggy Challenge: Pinterest Fails
Married: 12/08/12
BFP: 09/21/14
EDD: 06/04/15
~*~ book nerd forever | Tar Heel '07 ~*~
I am starting my own savings for baby and I that he will not know about as I have been told by every woman to do so and most are 50 - 70 year olds who have had plenty of experience.
Anyways, I gave him a one time chance to tell me anything and everything and I would stay to work through it. I did say that if he lied about anything and I find out I am gone....with baby. He still is promising nothing else went on. He said it wasn't even a relationship that they were having. And he said he knows what he did was horribly wrong but it was strictly flirting. He promised that it stopped after the video was sent and that he didn't talk to her anymore outside work. I thought the snapchatting happened after but he said she would snapchat him but he wouldn't even open them (who knows) - he said they did snapchat before the video but he swears up and down that he didn't send anything bad of himself and I really don't even want to know what she was sending him honestly. I asked about the video and he still swears he deleted it but he did own up to sending it to most his friends ( a few not single even) and he deleted the video immediately after. I told him if any of this is a lie I am out. And he said that is everything.
I will be talking to a lawyer just in case and getting my ducks lined up. Once the trust is back (hoping for the best!) we can have a better life! Thanks again to everyone and thank you @malena29 for helping me see that it could be true what he is saying. Only we know our husbands and some of you may think I am a fool or naive but I believe him. I have never seen his face look that way and I do think this will make us stronger!!
The account is a great idea, glad you're doing that.