Advice needed

jennp1979 · January 2015

ok so I'm going to try and make this as short as possible but in need of some advice...

So the grandparents on both sides are watching our LO who is 6 months today. Let me say up front were extremely grateful for this.
Background:
So my mom has some sort of issue with me and always has because I was a daddy's girl and she was close to my sister. My sister and m would always pick on me...example mom and sister are not feminine at all...if I wear anything girlue including makeup there are comments. I wear boots with a all heel...they are hooker boots...I color my hair..."what did u do to ur hair " in a nasty way.
Long story short...they are mean to a point others say things to me including my inlaws

Ok so full circle...my mom watches LO 3 days a week with my dad while we're at work.( My mom stayed home with us when we were little then went to work when we went to school. I have a career and financially unable to do that)

So here's the deal. I sat down withy parents before they started watching LO and explained to them how hard it would be going back to work knowing I would miss many milestones. I specifically explained to her how she was able to stay at home and see these things and I'm unable to do that. I asked both of them that if LO did something ex crawling that they do not tell us and let us experience what we think is the first time. They both agreed and said they understood. I explained that I might even call them excited over LO crawling the first time and if they already knew to play along as if they didn't so I can share something with them that was so exciting. Again they agreed. I've brought this up 2-3 times since emphasizing how important this was to me.

So my mother....breath in and out.

Every single time I say LO did this today I get "he's been doing that"...no matter what it is. And it's constant. I can't even get out what he did and she interrupts with .."he's been doing that"

LO had been close to getting his first tooth...so last night I came home and looked and the tooth hadn't poked through yet...AGAIN I looked and it hadnt poked through. Two hours later I looked and 2 teeth poked through so I was so excited ...her response "oh he cut those earlier today, they've been there"...
WTF!!!!
They were not there. So I said...no they just. Same through because earlier ejen I looked they weren't through.
So gets better...at dinner she says to DH....."he said da-da" today"
I saw the look on DH face ...I know he would rather hear it from LO then my mother. I almost died and blew it off and said he's just making noises.
So today she is on the phone insisting LO 3rd tooth is coming in. She just doesn't stop.
My dad said she's jealous of me and very immature.
Again she has said do many hurtful things to me including telling me "well I was a size 0 in my wedding dress" on the day I took her to try on my wedding dress...I thought my mother in law was going to fall over.

I honestly don't know what to do and it feels good to vent. I'm use to how she is to me but we're only having one child and were at work so I understand we're going to miss things but ....humor me.

I'm scared to say something because they do our daycare for 3 days snd she's super dramatic that she might call it quits just to be mean. I think it's important for them to ud a relationship with LO because they are older and I know they enjoy it and I love knowing LO is with them but....this is truly bothering me.

I've told my dad and he says..."u know how she is...she doesn't think before she speaks"

So long story really long.....please help

bullybutt · January 2015

Oh Lord. You can see the frustration in your typing. That's quite the conundrum when you want to put her in her place and tell her to STFU but then again you don't want to lose out on your babysitting since she is such a drama queen. Unfortunately, for your own sanity, you might just have to direct your excitement to someone else besides her. She's going to continually throw it back in your face and just infuriate you even more. She is a petty immature wench. Sorry.

ariel8200 · January 2015

My mom is similar. It comes down to letting her watch your lo or not watch. People don't change and you can't expect them to. So you have to decide what you want, a mom that's going to always on up you and use your child to do it or find another babysitter for your lo.

For me, if my mom constantly did that, I'd tell her that I no longer need her services.

Skeemer · January 2015

I worked for 3 long....LOOOONG...years & I feel like I missed so much of DS's stuff. I feel your pain. I really do. Nothing is different with DD. I truly want to see & experience everything new to them both & their milestones. I'm sorry your mom is being a butt.

This is nowhere near the same thing but I understand where you're coming from. I wish my parents wouldn't watch Dateline & murder mysteries in front of DS (3 years old). They *think* he isn't paying attention & DH & I are very careful what we watch in front of him. It bothers me. I've mentioned it over & over. They still did it. I was torn between them being our childcare & just letting it go. I had to choose to let it go because ultimately I didn't want DS in a day care.

You basically have the two choices that the pp's already mentioned. Let it go or find another child care. I know it ticks you off why she just won't shut up. It's not THAT hard. I think it's the lack of respect & trying to spare your feelings that is upsetting you. (hugs)

littlemissmarla · January 2015

I can understand your frustration and asking them to keep quiet about any "firsts." But.. I think it might be going a little overboard to get upset when you go to her and start telling her that your LO did something and then you now expect her to lie about not witnessing this already.

I totally get the FTM thing and even though I am home with DD, there are plenty of times that she is left with my parents or even with DH. DH got her to laugh first without me, found her teeth before me..etc. Remember that when you get to experience these "firsts," they are still milestones between you and her. Try not to focus so much on WHO gets to witness these but more that you are sharing in a moment with your LO. Hopefully you can find some common ground with your mom because it seems like you really want your parents to be a big presence in your child's life and I'd hate for you to lose that over something like this.

[Deleted User] · January 2015

I agree that you either need to accept how she is or find alternative childcare. My mom was a DCP and she would never mention a milestone to a child's parents until the parents mentioned it first. I know if she was watching my children, she'd do the same. It may not be the biggest deal in the world, but if you've asked her not to mention it and she repeatedly has ignored you, then she's clearly not thoughtful of your feelings. If she did it once or twice unintentionally that would be one thing, but it kind of sounds like she's doing it because she knows it gets under your skin.

So, like I said, there's really only two choices...either deal with her in exchange for the free babysitting, or find someone else to watch LO.

Skeemer · January 2015

littlemissmarla said:

I can understand your frustration and asking them to keep quiet about any "firsts." But.. I think it might be going a little overboard to get upset when you go to her and start telling her that your LO did something and then you now expect her to lie about not witnessing this already.

I totally get the FTM thing and even though I am home with DD, there are plenty of times that she is left with my parents or even with DH. DH got her to laugh first without me, found her teeth before me..etc. Remember that when you get to experience these "firsts," they are still milestones between you and her. Try not to focus so much on WHO gets to witness these but more that you are sharing in a moment with your LO. Hopefully you can find some common ground with your mom because it seems like you really want your parents to be a big presence in your child's life and I'd hate for you to lose that over something like this.

This is very true. DH found DD's first tooth poking through. DS says the best & wackiest stuff when he's with my parents.

blacktie3 · January 2015

jennp1979 said:

ok so I'm going to try and make this as short as possible but in need of some advice... So the grandparents on both sides are watching our LO who is 6 months today. Let me say up front were extremely grateful for this. Background: So my mom has some sort of issue with me and always has because I was a daddy's girl and she was close to my sister. My sister and m would always pick on me...example mom and sister are not feminine at all...if I wear anything girlue including makeup there are comments. I wear boots with a all heel...they are hooker boots...I color my hair..."what did u do to ur hair " in a nasty way. Long story short...they are mean to a point others say things to me including my inlaws Ok so full circle...my mom watches LO 3 days a week with my dad while we're at work.( My mom stayed home with us when we were little then went to work when we went to school. I have a career and financially unable to do that) So here's the deal. I sat down withy parents before they started watching LO and explained to them how hard it would be going back to work knowing I would miss many milestones. I specifically explained to her how she was able to stay at home and see these things and I'm unable to do that. I asked both of them that if LO did something ex crawling that they do not tell us and let us experience what we think is the first time. They both agreed and said they understood. I explained that I might even call them excited over LO crawling the first time and if they already knew to play along as if they didn't so I can share something with them that was so exciting. Again they agreed. I've brought this up 2-3 times since emphasizing how important this was to me. So my mother....breath in and out. Every single time I say LO did this today I get "he's been doing that"...no matter what it is. And it's constant. I can't even get out what he did and she interrupts with .."he's been doing that" LO had been close to getting his first tooth...so last night I came home and looked and the tooth hadn't poked through yet...AGAIN I looked and it hadnt poked through. Two hours later I looked and 2 teeth poked through so I was so excited ...her response "oh he cut those earlier today, they've been there"... WTF!!!! They were not there. So I said...no they just. Same through because earlier ejen I looked they weren't through. So gets better...at dinner she says to DH....."he said da-da" today" I saw the look on DH face ...I know he would rather hear it from LO then my mother. I almost died and blew it off and said he's just making noises. So today she is on the phone insisting LO 3rd tooth is coming in. She just doesn't stop. My dad said she's jealous of me and very immature. Again she has said do many hurtful things to me including telling me "well I was a size 0 in my wedding dress" on the day I took her to try on my wedding dress...I thought my mother in law was going to fall over. I honestly don't know what to do and it feels good to vent. I'm use to how she is to me but we're only having one child and were at work so I understand we're going to miss things but ....humor me. I'm scared to say something because they do our daycare for 3 days snd she's super dramatic that she might call it quits just to be mean. I think it's important for them to ud a relationship with LO because they are older and I know they enjoy it and I love knowing LO is with them but....this is truly bothering me. I've told my dad and he says..."u know how she is...she doesn't think before she speaks" So long story really long.....please help

My parents watch my DS full time and it stinks to miss stuff and I wish I could see stuff for the first time as well. However I'm glad they get excited about and call or text me a video. I do have some similar issues with my mom but turn the cheek because my DS wouldn't get the care and interaction he get with my parents at any actual Day care and I can afford a full time nanny.

I agree with some of the other posters that suggested that you maybe call your sister about the 1st times rather than your mom or maybe your MIL? Keep your chin up! It will get better as the baby gets older!

melissaquinn106 · January 2015

After being able to stay at home for 5 months with DD I was so sad to have to go back to work and would cry and cry that I was going to miss all this important stuff. I've been back for almost a month now (with Christmas holiday in between) but I'm doing ok. My mom is watching DD and I'm totally grateful that I don't have to pay for childcare and that my baby gets to spend so much time with her grandparents. But my mom literally drives me insane. She's the type to google any little thing and send you articles about all the possible consequences of even the slightest eyebrow raise. She thinks she knows best (and to her credit most of the time she does). From "her stool looks like it may be getting a little too hard" to "she shouldn't be wearing that amber necklace she could choke" and always always "are you sure you shouldn't be feeding her more? She just seems like she wants more?" She's got a comment for everything. She'll even go as far to text and call me multiple times after I am home from work and spending time with DD to see how she's doing since 2 hours earlier when she just left her. I'm like give me a minute to enjoy my kid now that I'm finally home from work!

Now of course I know her intentions are good, and she just loves my DD so much but like I said, she drives me crazy with her neurotic behaviors. Luckily over the years I've gotten better at dealing with her and telling her to back off when she's too much without hurting her feelings.

What it comes down to is simple. We all pay for day care. Whether it's with cold hard cash or overbearing parents/inlaws, we pay the price either way. Some days I wish I did just send her to daycare so I could escape the constant judgement, smothering, and neurotic google searching, but most days I'm grateful that my baby has living, loving grandparents who can take care of her when I can't.

jennp1979 · January 2015

You all are right... I'm Being selfish...thank you for your advice and I will definitely be thankful for the time LO has with his grandparents

KatWAG · January 2015

Lori_n_Lior said:

I'd QFP but my quotes keep messing up and this is too long to try and fix them..

Anyway, if you've talked with your mom multiple times and she is still not respecting your wishes, then get over it or find new child care.

It sucks you and your mom don't get along and you have to work, but either enjoy your free child care with family baggage or pay for baggage free child care.

this x1000

If it were me, I wouldnt want that passive- agressive bull around my kid and I would be looking for an alternative. I dont care if it's a grandparent or not.

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