Vent

DCKate · January 2015

We have had sleep issues with DD ever since she learned how to climb out of her bed (she's in a toddler bed now). Once she's down, she's fine. The question is, when will that be? Maybe she'll nap, maybe she won't. It's been unpredictable and exhausting, and now I have terrible insomnia because of it.

She also is going through a bad food regression. She's super picky, but still had a list of things like cheese, fruit and yogurt that she would eat. Now it's just an occasional bite of a banana and her yogurt pouches.

I've discussed all of this with her pedi, who we see next week for her 2yr visit.

This week seems to have been better for sleeping and naps, so hopefully that's a sign of better things to come.

My vent is this. DH and I are having dinner tonight, and I told him I'd talked to my dr today about a short term sleep aid for myself, just to get my horrible sleep back on track. He unloads on me for 15 minutes about how I don't need that, and it's because of B's crappy sleep, which is also my fault because we didn't do CIO like he wanted to. Again, her bedtime may have gone back and forth a bit, but her sleep has always been pretty ok.

And then he goes on about how with our next kid, we are doing CIO and she doesn't eat any food and we need to do CIO with her now.

Let's be real for a minute. I have done bedtime every night for the last two years with the exception of maybe 10 days. I get up with her and do naps.

What I am hearing is what an enormous failure I am at being a mom. Which I already feel like, with her not sleeping or eating.

Sorry to vent, and I know I'm taking it personally. But come on, man. I do 90% of this on my own. You know why I'm up til 3am? I'm up torturing myself with all the things I'm doing wrong which must lead to her not sleeping well/not eating.

Ugh!! I burst into tears and after I got it together in our bathroom, told him I didn't want to talk for the rest of the night so I could cool off.

JJsMum · January 2015

The sleep and food regression is totally NORMAL! My oldest went through it (hell, that kid still doesn't hardly eat and he's 4!), and DS#2 has started going through it. He fights his naps so, so, so hard! And eating is hit or miss. Some days he eats everything he can get his mitts on, some days he has two bites of food total. My pediatrician has always said that as long as food is being offered, and there is no other medical condition, that kids won't starve themselves!

Sorry that your DH unloaded on you like that though

That seems like it's something that needs to be addressed with him. He can't expect you to do the bedtime routine solo, but then criticize you for it. He is supposed to be your partner and support you, not make you question one of the hardest things you'll ever do; raising a little person.

ambmama · January 2015

I think a lot of us are going through food regressions and the sleep is not your fault! We did Ferber with DS but he never, ever cried longer than maybe 2 mins. He still had a huge regression about a month ago where he was barely sleeping. He's doing better again now but we've gone through phases - barely napping, long naps, barely sleeping at night, and sttn until 7!

I understand feeling like you do most on your own - same in this household. Any issue H always blames me and says I did something to cause it. I hope you can communicate with your H and talk it through. That doesn't really happen in this house and I usually just know that I'm right, lol. Good luck mama - hugs!

martha919 · January 2015

That's bullshit. I'm sorry, but no. Like, maybe he seriously just doesn't get it....I realized a couple of weeks ago that my DH really don't understand basic things about SAH, like how could I be lonely when I'm with DD all day? But yeah, he needs to understand that he cannot blame you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, for anything going on with your child if he does not participate. Because, if he WAS participating, he would realize that this is normal behavior and there's not much to be done and would be more appreciative.

I realize I'm a little fired up so I apologize for that, I just have a lot of feels on this subject because my DH does the same damn thing.

ambmama · January 2015

@amnat84 I'm curious about Simply Sleep - how do you feel if your sleep is interrupted? I suffer from insomnia and usually drink a glass or two of wine to help me fall asleep (I know, not healthy). I've thought about sleep aids but I'm so worried DS will wake up and I won't wake up or I'll be so groggy I won't be able to care for him correctly. Would love your advice/experience with that.

DCKate · January 2015

ambmama said:
@amnat84 I'm curious about Simply Sleep - how do you feel if your sleep is interrupted? I suffer from insomnia and usually drink a glass or two of wine to help me fall asleep (I know, not healthy). I've thought about sleep aids but I'm so worried DS will wake up and I won't wake up or I'll be so groggy I won't be able to care for him correctly. Would love your advice/experience with that.

Thank you for the suggestion! And I have the same q about grogginess/hearing B at night.

DCKate · January 2015

amnat84 said:
Mmmm im a little pusses at your DH right now. Plenty on kids learn how to sleep just fine without CIO and ALL kids have regressions! And how does criticizing you make anything better??? I would have flipped shit.

Two things:

A family friend told me once that her son rarely ate as a toddler because he was so busy. And when he got hungry he would eat. She said it worried her to no end but no child will starve themselves and not to worry (she said this because Julia is so busy all the time). This stuck with me so I try not to sweat it when she's not eating.

The second is go get yourself some simply sleep and get a good nights rest! It's not harmful and non habit forming. I've had insomnia since I was 15 but didn't want to use heavy stuff like ambien because it scared me. Every doctor I have ever said says this is just fine and will not harm me. My DH hates it but I recently flip because unless you struggle with sleep, you have no idea how detrimental it is to your health. Get the pulls!

Thanks for all of your replies! We just had a good talk and DH apologized. I told him I pretty much always feel like I'm failing and I don't need him on my ass about it when I'm running on four hours of sleep. I did try CIO and it backfired on us. So STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

DD is such a great kid. I know she won't starve and I know she will sleep. But since you aren't the one doing naps or bedtime, STFU!

DCKate · January 2015

ClaryPax said:
I know your DH is a doctor, but is there any reason he is not helping with bedtime?

I wouldn't worry about the naps too much. They just keep going through times where they fight it or stop napping but eventually go back to it. I know it is frustrating as they are often over tired and if they would just sleep then they wouldn't be so crabby, but having my kids in DC and the DC can't get them to sleep either. It's s normal kid thing not your fault at all.

I do think the child should be able to rest comfortably without crying during nap time or before falling asleep at night. Maybe that involves 5 min of fussing before they settle down or maybe it involves rocking them for 25 min or maybe a new routine whatever works best for your family. But you can't make them sleep all you can do is set the environment up for rest.

DD is fighting her naps like mad too.

Re: not helping at bedtime. There are a lot of nights, at least lately, where he has cases in the early am and goes to bed before DD. But when he does try to help, if she cries for longer than five minues, he comes out to get me. So....

Part of it is that he'll sit in there and let her scream and get upset. I agree she stays in her room- it's bedtime. But we can cuddle and read a story to get calm for sleep. You know what's really frustrating? Being handed a screaming baby who is now not ready for bed anymore because she's wound herself up. So I just do it myself.

ohiodoxiemama08 · January 2015

You are not a failure. Being a mother is not for the weak and you're doing the best you can.

I love my DH to death but sometimes he will second guess my parenting choices and it really really gets to me. Usually we work things out but I know it feels to hear them somewhat under mind you.

At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you/what works with you. I end up having to have long sit downs with DH and explain that my feelings and my parenting choices are going to be different then his. I am sure as a doctor your DH works long hours which means it's just you and B a lot. I understand because DH works 24 hour shifts. I probably let a lot of things fly (and watch a lot more TV) than he would. However, sometimes you do what you gotta do to survive.

Hang in there mama, and hugs. Stand up for yourself and your choices and be open and honest that you're overwhelmed. You deserve to be heard and taken care of.

Mom2anAngel2 · January 2015

I'm sorry you are feeling like a failure. You most certainly are not, you are just dealing with a toddler. My DH often does not have patients and I have to remind him constantly that this is normal toddler behavior.

When we moved DS to his toddler bed (in his new room) he would constantly get out if bed. I would sit in the floor in the hallway (where he could see me) until he fell asleep. I probably had to put him back in bed 4-6 times each might. I gradually moved myself further down the hall and eventually out of sight. Now he rarely gets out of bed.

I hope your H can be more supportive.

AshleyDehaven · January 2015

First off ((BIG SMUSHY INTERNET HUGS)), second, it sounds like your husband needs a reality check. I too, and a full time SAHM and DS's primary parent. DH works anywhere from 40 to 60+ hours a week right now, and generally, it's closer to the latter. So I am with DS when he wakes, alone, until just before bedtime. The only help i have is with dinner, and then DS puts himself to bed (we just came off of a terrible sleep regressions ourselves, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, i promise!). If DS wakes during the night, i take him, we co-sleep right now, because it is helping Thoren bond and show affection, and he sleeps a lot better. So if he wakes, me and him cuddle until he falls back asleep. DH, if anything, whines, then falls back to sleep. It's irritating, but he understands that if i am doing everything, the sleeping arrangement and decisions are mine to make. Would i like more help? Well yes. Of course. It gets lonely and stressful doing it all alone. But feeling like my H appreciates my efforts helps. I would have a calm but honest talk with him. For what it's worth, i could never do CIO either. I just can't handle hearing him cry. There's nothing wrong that. You have done nothing wrong, and you're a great mom. Hang in there.

Vent

Re: Vent

Choose Another Board

Search Boards