Husband cheated and need advice

trishparker819 · January 2015

I don't even know how to start this but my husband and I have only been married 2 1/2 years and I am almost 5 months pregnant. About a year and a half ago I thought my husband was up to something with his coworker. He would text her and even picked her up before going to a work dinner that I wasn't invited to. I confronted him about this and he kept telling me over and over that nothing was going on. (women! Always trust your intuition!!) - also he was being very distant with me and we were being intimate very often which made me think something was happening even more.... fast forward to about this past weekend...I found a video of a girl masturbating...of course she was the first person I thought of so I looked at her Instagram and low and behold the girl had the same tattoo..room looked the same etc. I knew it was her. (This video was from July 2013 btw) I confronted my husband about it, telling him I knew who it was and he got quite...then apologized and said he cut things off right after....he said he never did anything physically with her and that they just flirted with eachother and she took it too far. He said he swears he deleted the video but when he got his new phone he uploaded all old pics on our computer and that is how I found it. He promises he stopped flirting with her after that and our intimacy got better maybe 8 months ago after he quit that job and he stopped seeing her every day (at the time I didn't realize this because I didn't know anything was happening so now I feel like a fool...like how did I miss this?). We decided to try for a child which successfully happened 17 weeks ago. He had snapchat and he admitted to snapping with her but said it was only video of things he was doing and not anything sexual. (He said he never did anything sexually and she has never seen him that way and they have never done anything physical with each other at all). I have made him delete her from all social accounts he has and delete his snapchat entirely. I feel so betrayed and don't think I can trust him at all. I am sure I am leaving things out here and am all over the place but it is hard to even think clearly. I am trying to stay happy for the sake of our baby and want to work on our marriage but I don't think I can trust anything he says or does now. Can anyone give me advice that is positive to help our marriage or am I doomed?? He is a known to be flirtaceous and maybe he is addicted to needing constant female attention...if so I can't be with that. I feel so trapped and alone. Oh and it doesn't help that his job is 4 hours away now and I only see him on the weekends.

Emilywooddesign · January 2015

Ohhhhh man! I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I'm pretty blunt and I also have a lot of male friends... My first instinct is that I do not believe your husband did you have an intimate relationship with this woman, granted I don't know you or him but I'm not stupid and any woman who is sending videos masterbating to your husband is also fucking him ( I'm sorry to be so crude) the worst part is that some women can be so disgusting and desperate they don't care if a man is married or in a relationship.

I have never personally been through this before but I would suggest making him feel like total shit and going to counseling because he is obviously feeling like he needs attention from women for some reason.

People are always sorry when they get caught- why is he snap chatting with her after so long? She sounds like a whore and if it were me, I would go to her house and beat her with a baseball bat but I'm feisty like that. Best of luck to you and stay strong. I hope you get to the bottom of this.

Life&Gwen · January 2015

Scary thought-who's to say she didn't also get a job in the same town? Or he hasn't started over the whole incident with someone new? It is suspicious that he has a history...and has 100% unaccountable time M-F...This all sounds horrible, and it must be just terrible for you.

ACharnelle · January 2015

I suggest you lawyer up and find somewhere to stay where you and your baby are safe and comfortable. Think things through completely, and compile all the evidence you can. Do you believe he wasn't intimate with this woman? Do you believe he will not do it again? After you make up your mind, if you decide to stay you need to make getting a couples therapist a priority. So, so sorry that you're going through this. Have courage and do what's right for you and the baby.

effthisnoise · January 2015

First, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's awful that you didn't find out until after you were pregnant.

Second, for the sake of argument, let's say he's being completely honest with you NOW. When he first received that video (I assume that's when he decided she had taken things too far?), he should have told you. He could have said, "You know, you were right that maybe she and I were flirting too much. I thought I was just being friendly and joking around. Today she sent me a sexually inappropriate video. I've deleted it from my phone and I'm not going to talk to her anymore." You would have been upset, but it all would have blown over.

The problem is that by not being honest with you from the beginning, he has completely broken your trust so you don't know that he's being honest now. I'm glad that he deleted her from his social media accounts and deleted snapchat because it's a move in the right direction. You really need to go see a marriage counselor, though, who can help you guys get over this and give you the right tools to do so. It's probably going to mean that he can't have a password on his phone and that you will have the right to look at it whenever you like to make sure that he's staying honest. You're going to call the shots here because he is the one who screwed up and if he wants to save your marriage, he's going to have to do whatever it takes to make you feel like you can start trusting him. You will have to start seriously thinking about what steps he has to take to win back your trust and what you want your relationship to look like.

My cousin went through something similar about a year after she got married. She checked her husband's flight plans and he had an overnight layover before he'd arrive at his destination. Suspicious, she checked his computer and was able to find emails between him and another woman and he did cheat on her that one time. They separated for several months, but then went to counseling and eventually got back together though it took a lot of hard work. Now they're super happy and have two kids so it CAN be done.

And don't worry about not being excited about the baby right now. You were just dealt a hard blow and I'd find it hard to be excited about ANYTHING. Just make sure you're eating right and taking care of yourself while you deal with everything else. I wish you the best of luck.

Emilywooddesign · January 2015

@effthisnoise‌ with all due respect, he was flirting with this woman and she takes things too far by sending him a video of her master bating? Seems a bit extreme don't you think? most women I know would never do that unless they felt like the man wanted to see it and they felt comfortable. He obviously saved this video or it wouldn't of uploaded onto his computer. Something doesn't make sense here or she is the dirtiest whore that has ever walked this planet.

Kbow91 · January 2015

Lurking from Jul'15.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I, unfortunately, went through this and it started about a year ago now. I noticed a name pop up on his snapchat and he tried to say it was a male co worker. I know how to snoop, and I found out who it really was. He swore nothing was going on and so on and so forth. He was hardly ever home anymore, etc. This went on for 6 months. Back and forth arguing, him not coming home, saying he slept in his truck, all the total BS. Well there was a night he was "out of town" for work and said he would not be home until Saturday. Well he got tagged in something on fb and that had me suspicious. This was about 11 at night, so I went and picked up a girlfriend of mine, drove to the girl's house that I suspected he had been cheating with, and lone and behold, his work truck was sitting in her driveway. Shit hit the fan, BIG TIME. To this day, I will never know if anything sexual happened, and honestly now I don't want to know. But I made things very clear, and after a very heated argument, we met up together and had a very serious talk. Ever since then, this girl is completely out of the picture( I might have threatened her ) and my DH and I have never been better. We are constantly together, and doing what married couples do.

Do I still have my moments when I wonder? Of course, and It is going to be like that for a very long time. But if you have the heart in you to give him another chance, then sit and talk with him. Don't jump straight to divorce. I am in no means making any excuses for him, but talk and see if ya'll can pinpoint what would have even started this. I do not believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". My husband had never cheated before, on me or an ex. I admit that I wasn't giving him the attention he needed and I was being the distant one, which led him to seek attention elsewhere. Ever since, he and I have focused on each other, and we are happier than ever.

I sincerely hope that ya'll can work it out, and that he is not one of those man whores who cant stay committed. Keep your chin up, you are much stronger than you think. If you ever need to talk it out with someone who has been through it, feel free to PM me

trishparker819 · January 2015

Thank you so much for your replies! I know we need to see a counselor and the good thing is that he isn't being defensive and has been thoroughly talking with me about it. I already know the password to his phone (and going to make him give me his phone this weekend without notice so I can monitor and make sure nothing is still happening) - I am not naive and have been cheated on before and every other time I felt it wasn't the full story but with him I feel like he has come clean. But still the trust is broken so I keep reverting back and questioning everything he has done. In response to @life&gwen - I know she hasn't moved up there - his old work is an optometry center and I was just there a month ago to get my eyes checked (so embarrassing now looking back) - but also she has a boyfriend now and has for awhile. I have looked at her Instagram account now and even though she's a ghetto hoe in all her pictures ( excuse my language) I do know she is still here

GASuzuki · January 2015

I give you credit, @trishparker819. I don't think I could get over the breach of trust. Good luck!

trishparker819 · January 2015

@Emilywooddesign‌ - I am on edge with believing him and not. He does come from a good place - great family life and religious - he even swore to God that he never did anything past the flirting and he felt guilty (duhhh) after the video. But why he kept communicating with her is what I need to figure out and definitely getting some counseling - and trust me...if I wasn't pregnant I would have beat the living shit out of her!!

Emilywooddesign · January 2015

You sound like a smart girl! It is very good that he is willing to talk about it with you and isn't being defensive. I hope you can repair the broken trust! I don't think your marriage is doomed, as long as he is being honest and you are happy with how he is handeling the situation. Keep your head up.

bossybluejay · January 2015

I grew up with my dad cheating on my mom multiple times (he is bipolar and so every 6-7 years, he goes through a manic type phase). My mom and dad have been able to work through it and I know they love eachother but I can't even begin to tell you how much it's affected my sister and I. My mom didn't want to leave my dad because she didnt want us growing up with divorced parents so she always made it work.

I'm 27 now and the first time I remember it happening was when I was 13. I heard almost everything through the vents in my room that went into theirs. I remember my mom crying all the time, my dad moving into our guest room, finding emails that my mom had found that proved he was cheating, asking my dad about it and having him lie to me about it, failing 3 midterm exams in 7th grade because I could only think about what I had heard them talking about and didn't fill out anything on the test. I emailed the woman when I was 13 and told her that she splitting my family apart. That went on for a year and then everything got better. Fast forward to when I was a sophomore in college, it happened again. This time, I actually called the woman who he was seeing and she told me that my father had told her he was divorced.

If you choose to stay with him, you need to be prepared for this to affect your children because there's a good chance it will happen again. I'm in counseling, working through things that happened nearly 15 years ago. My counselor says I basically have PTSD and have a lot of trauma that I've buried- they want me to do something called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing that will help to make the memories that I have less traumatic. People act like children are resilient and won't be affected by the marital problems that they're exposed to while growing up but the fact is that, growing up with a parent who is cheating on your other parent creates a lot of problems for them down the road.

My sister and I both love my dad but neither of us trust him- in fact, we hate being alone with him because every time he's on his phone, we both think he's talking to someone. I have never held a grudge against my dad or even attempted to cut him out of my life, but I will never trust him. I married someone who is basically the opposite of him and it's wonderful to be able to trust the person that you're with and know they will never hurt you.

trishparker819 · January 2015

@bossybluejay‌ - I have had a similar situation with my parents who finally divorced when I was 11 - I went though it my whole childhood. Not to the extreme that you did with the cheating and dealing with it for as long but I did use to have to sleep inbetween my parents to prevent fighting and mom brother and I even had to lock ourselves in my room one night (which if I remember correctly was my moms last straw) - there was infidelity happening but my dad was/is a major alcoholic and I will definitely not stay if it happens again. He knows that and I have made it clear. I won't forgive easily (I can't after what I went through in my life) but I am going to at least try and if I can forgive this one time if it happens again I know in my heart I won't be able to stay...nor could I do that to my child. Sad because I never wanted to have the relationship my parents had but it seems to be headed that way and that is what scares me the most.

Katerina&Baby · January 2015

Make marital counseling non-negotiable - if you want to stay with him, you're going to need third party help to work through the trust issues and for him to figure out why he needed to look elsewhere for attention. Best of luck and I'm so sorry that you are going through this!

trishparker819 · January 2015

@Emilywooddesign‌ - she really is a dirty whore honestly - you should see her Instagram...it disgusted me!! Plus she is only 22 (20 at the time) which disgusted me even more - my husband was 27/28 at the time. I am year older which can tell you what that has done to my self esteem

bossybluejay · January 2015

trishparker819 said:

@bossybluejay‌ - I have had a similar situation with my parents who finally divorced when I was 11 - I went though it my whole childhood. Not to the extreme that you did with the cheating and dealing with it for as long but I did use to have to sleep inbetween my parents to prevent fighting and mom brother and I even had to lock ourselves in my room one night (which if I remember correctly was my moms last straw) - there was infidelity happening but my dad was/is a major alcoholic and I will definitely not stay if it happens again. He knows that and I have made it clear. I won't forgive easily (I can't after what I went through in my life) but I am going to at least try and if I can forgive this one time if it happens again I know in my heart I won't be able to stay...nor could I do that to my child. Sad because I never wanted to have the relationship my parents had but it seems to be headed that way and that is what scares me the most.

I would say, definitely get in counseling and get in quick then. Personally, from dealing with it while growing up and knowing how it affected me, I wouldn't tolerate it happening even one time in my marriage. Even if they never cheated again, I would not want to deal with the feeling of not trusting my husband again...constantly wondering if I should go through their phone, wondering who they're emailing, who they're talking to- no thanks. Obviously, being pregnant complicates things a lot. Only you know your situation so even though people can give you advice, you are the only one who knows your husband and your marriage.

I would think counseling could help a lot. Overall, you're going to have figure out why your husband did this in the first place. It doesn't sound like it can be attributed to a lack of intimacy. A lot of men cheat because they have low self confidence and the interest of another woman makes them feel better about themselves- could that be it? If so, maybe he has some things he needs to work out on his own too.

TigerMelP · January 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had something similar in my previous marriage. In addition to what everyone else recommends, I suggest getting some counseling for yourself--in addition to the marriage counseling. It can help you cope with the intensity of this experience and maybe help you get some clarity. If you do decide to leave, check out chumplady.com for support...I'm not affiliated with it or anything, but I found it recently and it's been helping me resolve some of my remaining issues with my ex. Good luck!

missjenniebean · January 2015

I am sorry this has happened. Try counseling with him, building back your foundation. Hard work both ways goes a long way. Other than that, do what is best for you and your baby..

delujm0 · January 2015

I'm sorry this is happening to you , it recently happened to a good friend and she is now mid-divorce with a 5 month old. Her ex was a major sweet talker and lied directly to her face multiple times about the girlfriend he was keeping on the side. He even told her 3 separate times that he broke up with her and it turned out that was never true.

He also had a job that required a lot of travel...so much that he "had" to keep a corporate apartment in another city. Which she was living with him in, it turns out. I'd suggest not only therapy both separately and together but also trying to make it so you are living together full time if you intend to reconcile. I know plenty of men who consider themselves religious but still cheat on their wives and it sounds like he has a lot if opportunities if you only see him on weekends. I'd never be able to trust him again but some women can get past this with hard work. Know that you are not stuck in this because of the baby. If you can't trust him again leave. Good luck.

trishparker819 · January 2015

@bossybluejay‌ - he was feeling very low at the time because I was the one making the $$ and he was barely pulling in enough to cover rent. I took care of everything else which was a lot of expenses...even helped him pay off his medical bills (broke his wrist) - probably around 6k and he constantly was saying how stressed he was that he couldn't provide for us. The sad thing is that our relationship this past year has been rock solid and he has been everything I have ever wanted in a husband....To find this out now and not back then makes me feel like I was meant to work on things. Not overly religious person but I do believe God wouldn't have had me find this out after pregnant so I would just up and leave cuz if I wasn't and I found out back then I would have left. Now things are more complicated and we do love each other very much. That I do know.

Malena525 · January 2015

I went through this with my husband long before we were married. He broke up with me with little to no explanation. We had both been a bit distant, but I just thought it was a phase and I had a little work crush that was nothing, but didn't help. Turned out he did too, but it was a something. We were technically broken up for a year, but still saw each other regularly, slept together, etc. I asked him a million times if there was somebody else because I could see he loved me but wouldn't tell my why he didn't want to be with me. Well, we finally came back together and things were feeling great when I found out from the GF of one of his good friends that he had been seeing and sleeping with a co-worker. It had been over for a while at that point, but he had lied to my face for months and I was devastated. I didn't think I could get past it. Well, he was so committed to making things right with me that I couldn't say no. Plus he's my best friend and favorite person in the world. That was three years in. We've now been together for 10 years, married for almost 2 (yes, it led to waiting a long time for marriage lol). We're really happy. If you both want to get past it, you really can. It's not easy, it takes time, patience, and communication, but it can be done. Good luck OP, I hope you figure out what's right for you.

trishparker819 · January 2015

@delujm0‌ - I will definitely be giving it a try and he wants to work on it too...he is definitely not living with her - I go up to visit a lot with no notice and everything is fine. He lives in a small town where I know everyone and He even has a friend and wife that live out there (her husband is working with him) that I have talked to and she informed me that he talks about me all the time...no signs of anything. I would move out there but his job is temporary (will be home in about three months max) and I have a career and another job on the side...living in Orange County is expensive so having multiple jobs is common.

bossybluejay · January 2015

On a different note, WTF is wrong with women who take up with married men? Is it possible to be any more disgustingly pathetic and sad?

trishparker819 · January 2015

@Malena525‌ - it really means a lot reading this because it gives me hope. He said he would do anything to save our marriage and that he feels like the worse husband ever (I assured him he was...lol...well not to crack jokes but I want him to know how bad this was) and so like in your case...I have to try. If he was acting shady or not communicating with me I would think differently. I hope in the end it strengthens our marriage but of course I am not waving the white flag anytime soon. It will take lots of work I know.

trishparker819 · January 2015

That's how I feel too! Such a huge part of me wants to confront her on this issue as she knows he is married and I have met her numerous times but it won't get me anywhere and won't help my husbands and my situation at all@bossybluejay‌

beattykid · January 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm with @EmilyWoodDesign who sends a lurid video like that to a married man based on just a flirtation? No one. The fact that he had snapchat on his phone should be evidence enough of more than that going on. She might be a dirty whore, but no one would send that kind of video to a work friend if nothing else was going on. I'm not saying you can't work through this with your husband, but he let this happen and didn't tell you about it. You confronted him previously and he told you you were wrong. Now you have hard evidence and he is admitting to the absolute least amount of culpability possible. She sent the video to him like a crazy person and he deleted it (except you actually know that he saved it so he needs to learn how phones work).

I don't think that is the whole story. If it were me, I would also make it clear to him that his lying has endangered the welfare of his child by putting you in distress at this delicate time. Also, if he loses his family over this it is 100% his fault for lying to you repeatedly in the past. The simplest explanation is usually the truth. If you are feeling really vindictive you can post the video on instagram or facebook or whatever and tag her in it and ask why she sends videos like this to married men. Don't be a shrinking violet from this. He has been gaslighting you this whole time when your suspicions were right! He cares more about saving his own ass than your psychological well-being making you feel like your suspicions were wrong and unfounded.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope you can relax a little bit.

Edited bc relax a little bit sounds really jerky, I mean I hope you can find something to enjoy or smile about right now because I know it is hard. Every other way I tried to say it sounded hokey so I ended up saying relax a little bit like you are crazy. That is not what I think and not what I meant!

sgarmand · January 2015

trishparker819 said:

Thank you so much for your replies! I know we need to see a counselor and the good thing is that he isn't being defensive and has been thoroughly talking with me about it. I already know the password to his phone (and going to make him give me his phone this weekend without notice so I can monitor and make sure nothing is still happening) - I am not naive and have been cheated on before and every other time I felt it wasn't the full story but with him I feel like he has come clean. But still the trust is broken so I keep reverting back and questioning everything he has done. In response to @life&gwen - I know she hasn't moved up there - his old work is an optometry center and I was just there a month ago to get my eyes checked (so embarrassing now looking back) - but also she has a boyfriend now and has for awhile. I have looked at her Instagram account now and even though she's a ghetto hoe in all her pictures ( excuse my language) I do know she is still here

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through, and I really hope if you decide to work on your marriage that you do so successfully. However, I can't get past this sentence. I've had relationships before where one of us was constantly checking the other's phone. That is not a relationship I ever want to have again. You should never have to "monitor" your SO, that is what parents do to children.

I can't say exactly what I would do in your shoes, but I do know I would never do that. Knowing the password to his phone is one thing (my DH and I know each others just because), but asking him to specifically hand over his phone so you can monitor it does not seem like a relationship at all.

trishparker819 · January 2015

Thanks again to everyone who has posted! My husband is coming home tonight and taking the rest of the week off for us to be together and talk in person. He said it isn't right that he is away right now (even though we need the $$) our relationship is more important. A day at a time and I will be trying to find a counselor asap. If anyone knows of any good ones (one that won't try and take me for everything as we don't have a lot of extra $$ to throw around) in Orange County area I would appreciate it!!

kmcdaniel7 · January 2015

trishparker819 said:
Thank you so much for your replies! I know we need to see a counselor and the good thing is that he isn't being defensive and has been thoroughly talking with me about it. I already know the password to his phone (and going to make him give me his phone this weekend without notice so I can monitor and make sure nothing is still happening) - I am not naive and have been cheated on before and every other time I felt it wasn't the full story but with him I feel like he has come clean. But still the trust is broken so I keep reverting back and questioning everything he has done. In response to @life&gwen - I know she hasn't moved up there - his old work is an optometry center and I was just there a month ago to get my eyes checked (so embarrassing now looking back) - but also she has a boyfriend now and has for awhile. I have looked at her Instagram account now and even though she's a ghetto hoe in all her pictures ( excuse my language) I do know she is still here

Just putting this out there if you want to go this route, there's a program you can download online. It allows you to download the entire history of any phone from the first day you got it, including all deleted content. Its a little extreme but would answer a lot of questions on the whole truth factor. Its called wondershare data recovery

https://www.wondershare.com/data-recovery/

If not, no biggie. I'm so sorry youre going through this. Hope everything works out for the best. I always say in times like this, you need to let your logic take over and put your heart and emotions in the back seat. Stay strong & stay smart!

Life&Gwen · January 2015

Fingers crossed it works out!

trishparker819 · January 2015

@sgarmand‌ - I don't know if I will actually do that...my friend suggested it and thought it sounded good...I am seriously all over the place right now and not that I want to track his phone. We have each others passwords not for any reason at all...we don't snoop in each other's things but I think you are right in that maybe that is mint the best way to deal with this

AmyCee · January 2015

First let me say I'm so sorry you're going through this...2'nd, please know that it's very easy for others to tell you to leave your husband...I've written about my marriage before and I will tell you that catching my husband flirting with another woman was the catalyst to saving our marriage.

His wanting to make it work was essential, but I had to learn to forgive as well and trust again...it means a lot of therapy! But, it helped us immensely!!

kimmarie1105 · January 2015

I'm so sorry that this is going on. First and foremost, do not for a minute believe that your husband has not fucked this woman. He absolutely has. Do not let him convince you otherwise. Second, if you truly think this man is capable of change and you want to work things out, you need to kick his ass out if your home immediately and you need to start counseling. He will not take you seriously if you allow him to stay in your home. He needs to know that you're not going to take this behavior. He needs to feel the consequences and realize that you are strong enough to do it (even if you think you're not). You have to give yourself a chance to breath and work through your emotions on your own. If you can do that and go to counseling and learn how to work through this and he also gives 100% then maybe you guys can save your marriage. If he chooses not to give 100% or if you cannot get over it then at least you can look back and know that you have respected yourself and did all you can do.
As far as the whore goes, if you still have the video, you should mail her a copy with the threat of what "could" happen when such things end up in the wrong hands. Let her shit her pants wondering where you will leak it.

KonaCoffeeBean · January 2015

bossybluejay said:

On a different note, WTF is wrong with women who take up with married men? Is it possible to be any more disgustingly pathetic and sad?

Well, I imagine for many of these women, they don't realize that these men are still in a marriage. And that said, I'm sure there are some women who are knowingly having affairs with married men, and I have nothing nice to say about them. Still, that pales in comparison to how disgusting these adulterous married men are. After all, they are the ones who are breaking their marital vows, and after all, they are the ones who are actually cheating. Not forgivable in my book.

kimmarie1105 · January 2015

I agree with @KonaCoffeeBean‌ . Getting angry and seeking revenge on the woman is an understandable reaction but a waste of time. It's your husband that owes you their loyalty. The woman owes you nothing. The only person she owes anything to is herself. And clearly when your with a married man you are not giving yourself the respect you deserve.

ajgerber · January 2015

kimmarie1105 said:

I'm so sorry that this is going on. First and foremost, do not for a minute believe that your husband has not fucked this woman. He absolutely has. Do not let him convince you otherwise. Second, if you truly think this man is capable of change and you want to work things out, you need to kick his ass out if your home immediately and you need to start counseling. He will not take you seriously if you allow him to stay in your home. He needs to know that you're not going to take this behavior. He needs to feel the consequences and realize that you are strong enough to do it (even if you think you're not). You have to give yourself a chance to breath and work through your emotions on your own. If you can do that and go to counseling and learn how to work through this and he also gives 100% then maybe you guys can save your marriage. If he chooses not to give 100% or if you cannot get over it then at least you can look back and know that you have respected yourself and did all you can do. As far as the whore goes, if you still have the video, you should mail her a copy with the threat of what "could" happen when such things end up in the wrong hands. Let her shit her pants wondering where you will leak it.

I'm just going to ditto this. Please protect yourself and get into counseling. He may be telling the truth or not. At this point just take care of you.

darvo · January 2015

I'm just so sorry you're going through this right now. This is the time of your life when you need your husband's support, more than ever, then you find out he did this? You seem so loving and understanding, it would have been so much easier to work this out if he came clean earlier.

The fact that he remained in contact with her and denied a sexual relationship make me raise an eyebrow. I totally support that you're trying to save your marriage -- I think that's awesome. Just be careful. He needs to be completely transparent with you.

I'll be thinking about you! ((Hugs))

laurendutch · January 2015

Maybe someone can clear this up for me. Was the video sent through snapchat? From what I understand (don't have the app personally) is once the video is played it is automatically deleted. Unless, you record it before it plays???? If that is the case, was your husband intentionally saving videos from this woman? I would try to get a history of text messages sent to/from his phone (or at least the numbers).

gaylew5 · January 2015

ditch the skanky lying mother fucker already

bossybluejay · January 2015

JellyBellyStarr said:

bossybluejay said:

On a different note, WTF is wrong with women who take up with married men? Is it possible to be any more disgustingly pathetic and sad?

Yes, the MARRIED man who decides to cheat is much more "disgustingly pathetic and sad."

I don't quite see it that way. I think they're both disgusting but theres something extra sad and pathetic about a woman who knowingly breaks up a marriage. Maybe the husband feels justified in some twisted way because of a marital dispute. But the other woman? Nope, there's no justification for getting involved with a married man. Fuck that on so many levels.

Trampslikeus · January 2015

Ladies - I'm seeing quite a bit of hate aimed at the "other woman" here, without any of us knowing if she has ANY clue that he's married.

I know its just an anecdote - but I dated a guy for over a month and had NO CLUE that he was married. He took his ring off, he made himself available all the time, he covered his tracks well. I only found out because Boston is a small city, and an acquaintance who happened to know both of us (not well) saw us out one night, and I got home to a facebook message from him telling me that the guy I was on a date with was married. Fucking asshole. I'm not saying she's a saint, but lets not slut-shame the heck out of her without knowing if she knew he was married.... right?

Anyways, OP, like @kimmarie1105 said, I wouldn't just take his word for it that he hasn't actually slept with her. I would go get an STD test ASAP. Make sure to request a herpes test, as those aren't always included in a standard STD workup. Please don't just take his word for it and take him back and share a bed with him. The message he gets from that is "Sweet, I got away with it". And then it will happen again, 100% guarantee. Im not saying your marriage is over, but I think you should tell him to plan on staying at a friend or family's house until you both start therapy and give you some space to think.

So sorry you're going through this. Be strong.

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