Tl;dr How did you know you're done?

anakah · January 2015

acesup · January 2015

kbmama said:
I swore I was done after #4, but #5 is 3months old now and she was actually planned. So who knows? I guess I am always on the fence about being done or not....I change my mind constantly. But I'm certainly glad I changed my mind after #4 because I couldn't imagine life without DD. And I think I soaked up every second of the newborn stage with this one because she probably will be my last. Best wishes whatever you decide! And I did want to add that hiring a nanny when you have 3 or more kids makes financial sense as opposed to 3 daycare tuitions.

That's true it probably does make more sense. But my first two are so comfortable in their school / routine I wouldn't want to change it. I don't even want to pull DD from there to go to the public school preschool even though it's free bc she is doing amazing there and the curriculum is awesome, she is learning so much! Also I work from home, so having the kids here with a nanny while I am working would drive me bonkers!!! Haha. I need them out of the house and I need quiet.

I wouldn't mind a nanny some weekends though!! Lol.

I don't know how you do it with 5! You're like a superhero! I feel frazzled with 2!

aforst · January 2015

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I just knew. We had #3 last year and I know that financially and mentally, we can't handle any more kids. My daughter was also born early after bed rest in the hospital and then a 2 month NICU stay. I wouldn't want to go through that/put my family through that again. DH got a vasectomy a few months ago and I thought I would feel sad eventually that I was done but I have, surprisingly, felt the exact opposite.

I'm so glad we had a third and it's very much what I wanted. DH took some convincing, but he's glad we did too.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

MrsCrazyMore · January 2015

Hi, lurker here but wanted to share. My DH and I had DS1 in our early 20's and were one and done so we could concentrate on him, school and careers. Fast forward to when DS1 became so much more independent and hanging out with his friends more and more, instead of my DH and I feeling more free to do things all on our own we missed having a child with us, so we decided to try for another.....took a lot time and some medical intervention but we welcomed DS2 not so long ago at the age of 41 and love and enjoy every minute. So we now have a 17yo and a 7 month old. Despite my AMA I had an easy pregnancy with absolutely no complications so we've decided to not do anything to prevent another pregnancy but not do any medical intervention either. Best of luck with your decision but please be 100% sure before doing anything permanent.

FalconCrest · January 2015

DH and I had always planned on having three children. I ended up with HG with all three pregnancies and after each one I swore that I would never get pregnant again.

We had one of each and were feeling pretty content with just the two, then DH started to get baby fever. We ended up going for it, and it was most certainly my worst pregnancy.

I do not regret having a third baby at all, she is the perfect addition to our family and now I truly feel complete. It really does change your perspective on the newborn stage when you know it is your last. I really savored it this time instead of seeing it as something you have to make it through.

ridesbuttons · January 2015

Age was the number one factor in our decision. Both pregnancies and deliveries were easy but I was 40 when I had DS2 and counted myself lucky that I had 2 healthy kids and called it a day.

However, for us and age aside, two seemed like the right number. We never had any disagreements about that.

If you are on the fence I'd leave your options open (no permanent BC) and keep the dialogue going. IMO however, the parent who says s/he is done gets the final vote. Both parents need to be in full agreement about having a or another child.

I will volunteer that even today I miss being pregnant and long to have a newborn again. It's never going to happen and I'm ok with that and I'm ok with it. Not every desire needs to be filled.

bumpuser9058414 · January 2015

Aside from difficult pregnancies/birth my story is a lot like yours. I had DD first and she was an angel baby that STTN at 8 weeks, rarely cried etc. DS came 5.5 years later and threw me for a loop, colic/reflux/constant crying. He didn't STTN until almost 8 months. For us the decision is mostly financial. I've always wanted a boy and a girl, would have been happy with two girls of course but that definitely cemented my decision to be done, along with his colic. I feel complete, however, when I see little tiny squishes my heart still flutters. I asked my H if that feeling will ever go away, he doesn't have that feeling I guess!

LucilleAustero · January 2015

We never wanted more than two. DD was a nightmare baby. She screamed her ever waking second for months. I developed severe PPOCD from that and was medicated. I made a consult for a tubal. Did not go through with it. Over time, the memory faded a bit and we decided to go for #2.

He was born early and as a result of a rupture that required an emergency c/s. I can't have another. I have had two huge babies and a rupture. It is not medically safe for me, which makes it easier and harder to say two is it. I wanted it to be my choice, not a decision made because of a rupture.

shella923 · January 2015

@scoutnumbers05 I thought they were reversible. (Obviously not?!)

I've been following this thread since yesterday. I thought I would have two, but after DD was born decided to be OAD. My OCD, which I had been dealing with got 1000 times worse after she was born. I had terrifying thoughts that made me afraid to even hold her. Now I'm on meds and I had a therapist for a while. I'm afraid to go off the meds. That's one reason. The other is financial. I can't afford two in DC OR to stay home. DH and I are both teachers. We feel we can give her a better life, more stress-free with just one. Another reason is that DH is 100% against having another. He doesn't think he can handle the work/stress. And I'm not sure I can either. But if in three years (when I'll be 39, another issue) he changes his mind I'd consider it. Would just deal without the meds and pop one in my mouth after the birth if necessary. I'm also enjoying reading everyone's stories.

bullybutt · January 2015

I have both a boy and a girl. I am not with their father anymore. I feel like if I meet someone new then I am open to more children with them. I think that 4 will be my limit. I will be 35 this year so it's not something that I should prolong for too long. Who knows what's in store for us?

myfriendscallmemeg · January 2015

I come from a family of many children. I was 5 of 8—7 surviving, and my husband is 6 of 7. We both knew we wanted three or four kids when we got married. I always thought three but I think my husband would prefer four.

Our first DD is an angel, perfect baby, easy pregnancy (although I hate being pregnant and being sick) and a nice enough kid that we're already due with #2 even though she's barely 9 months old. If this one is a boy I could see myself wanting to get a tubal. I haven't been able to keep up with anything since having DD.

But deep down in my heart I know I want three. So I'll probably get an IUD instead of pulling out and we'll shoot for a larger gap between 2 & 3.

I loved growing up in a big family, yes there were things that sucked, like being poor and hand me downs, and second hand thrift shopping, but I loved having a ton of siblings, and I love getting together with all of them now that we're all mostly grown. But we have some of the funniest memories, and hearing 7 different accounts of the same story is always hilarious.

lildevil968 · January 2015

DH and I where one and done with DD, until DS surprised us when DD was 5 years old. We had always wanted 3 kids, but my body had a really hard time handling the pregnancy with DD. I was on complete hospital bedrest for the last almost 3 months of my pregnancy because of PTL. I was on birth control when DS was conceived. The pregnancy with DS was very hard on my body physically with pain, which really took it's tole on me emotionally. What really made up our minds is the fact that my doctor told me that I shouldn't have any more kids after DS because my body would not be able to handle the stress of a 3rd child. When DS was 2 wks old, DH had a vasectomy.

Soxgirl07 · January 2015

I tried to think of long term consequences when family planning. Yea, 3 in daycare next year is going to be tight, but we'll budget and manage, and it's worth it to us.
I hate pregnancy and doing it with a toddler sucks, but again we'll get through it and the lifetime with my 3 kiddos is worth the 9 months to us.
That being said, I don't want to be pregnant and grumpy or broke DS1's whole childhood.
We were always on the fence between having 2 or 3. The day we found out DS2 was a boy, I knew we'd have another.
I'm still a bit sad I'll never have a daughter, but I don't feel that desire to try again. We're done. We're definitely at our limit for what I feel our current house can comfortably hold and I think we'd be priced out of a lot of vacations if we had more, but honestly those aren't the reasons. I just know 3 is what I can handle. I think I can be a really good mom to these guys. I feel like I might be stretched too thin with more and a demanding career. It was mostly just a feeling of completeness.

acesup · January 2015

ScoutNumbers05 said:
My husband got a vasectomy a month after my RCS with DS. I have regretted it to the point of active mourning since it happened, and have told him I think we will be discussing ways to have a third child in a few years.

Be sure.

I am so afraid of this happening. A close friend of mine and her husband decided that two was it, so when she had her RCS she had her tubes tied. She was fine with it until a few months later, she said she got really depressed knowing that it was no longer even a possibility.

Like, I'm afraid even though I am making the decision I will still be upset that the possibility isnt there if we do a vasectomy. But at the same time, since I am having such problems with bc working for me we really want to do the vasectomy and be done with bc for good. (BC really messes with my hormones and my cycles get CRAZY- super heavy periods, breakthrough bleeding- not just spotting, like I will bleed for 10 days mid cycle and then have a 10 day heavy period! I once bled for more than 30 days straight. I've tried several and my doctor believes it is the hormone in the BC that actually causes it in some cases. I do not want IUD. So we are using condoms which I know H doesn't love and its a pain in the ass... I also know they aren't as good as other forms)

acesup · January 2015

ScoutNumbers05 said:
@shella923

Well, sure. And expensive and not always successful. But they can go behind the cut and retrieve sperm for an IUI. So there's that option as well.

The issue is that my H is done. I am not.

Hopefully this isn't too personal of me to ask- do you ever find yourself resenting him? My friend (who I noted above about being severely depressed after her tubal) also said that her H is 100% done and will not consider any way to have a 3rd... She said sometimes she feels resentful like he is taking something from her... I just wondered if that is something you (or anyone else who wants more and has a partner that doesn't) ever feels...

@ScoutNumbers05‌

Edited to tag. And to add an apology if my question is too personal or offensive

acesup · January 2015

LucilleAustero said:
We never wanted more than two. DD was a nightmare baby. She screamed her ever waking second for months. I developed severe PPOCD from that and was medicated. I made a consult for a tubal. Did not go through with it. Over time, the memory faded a bit and we decided to go for #2.
He was born early and as a result of a rupture that required an emergency c/s. I can't have another. I have had two huge babies and a rupture. It is not medically safe for me, which makes it easier and harder to say two is it. I wanted it to be my choice, not a decision made because of a rupture.

I'm so sorry you experienced that! ((Hugs)) and I know what you mean about wanting it to be a choice and not something decided for you.

How big were your babies?
My DD was 9.3 and my DS was 10 lbs even. DSs pregnancy was so painful I cried every single day. I could barely walk at the end. But he was so chubby and cute! Lol. Love my big babies- but H likes to remind me of the pain I was in whenever I say I do want another.

shella923 · January 2015

@ScoutNumbers05‌

wow, I didn't know that. I'm so sorry. That is so difficult . Hugs.

I just got my tax receipt for DC. $17 K. Sooooo.... Won't be able to have a second until DD is five if we decide to. I just asked DH if he wound get a vasec and first he said yes, then I don't know... So who knows!!!

Soxgirl07 · January 2015

@bearsbearsbears‌ I know what you mean. I hate being pregnant, but I love the newborn stage. My last isn't even done cooking yet, and already I'm sad that he'll be the last. But, again with the long term thinking... I really don't want to raise more than 3. I think I'll always feel a twinge of the baby fever when I see one though. One of the secretaries at work has 3 grown kids and told me she never got over that feeling.

acesup · January 2015

ScoutNumbers05 said:
@acesup‌ I don't, mainly because I won't let myself.

We went through hell to get our kids, and I understand where he's coming from. He is in a place of "we lost five, one in a horribly traumatic way neither of us is recovered from five years later. We have two healthy kids. Stop while we are ahead."

He doesn't want to go through a loss again, and I totally understand that. His feelings are valid and his fear is real. I have to respect that, even while I struggle on my end.

We had a real CTJ about it a month or so ago. We know where the other is and agreed to revisit a year from now. And a year from then. Etc.

At the end of the day, I want another baby but I want my marriage more, so I will do what I have to to work through it if he never wants to try again.

Huge huge huge hugs to you and I'm sorry if I brought up a painful subject for you.

acesup · January 2015

ScoutNumbers05 said:
My H is an incredible guy, and he isn't against another child for arbitrary reasons. So all we can do is communicate and work together on it.

He understands how I feel as well, and isn't dismissive of it. I just wanted to be clear.

Definitely. I completely understand where your H is coming from and where you are coming from. I don't think the decision is ever easy and I think people's reasons vary and they are their own.

Anyway, I hope it didn't seem as if I was implying that your H's reason to be arbitrary or that he wasn't supportive of you at all. I was just curious as to how you felt about it based on what my friend told me. I don't know all of the details of her situation either.

And just to clarify, I don't think I would ever resent my H for not wanting more

acesup · January 2015

chickie03 said:
@ScoutNumbers05‌, I am constantly in awe of your strength.

+1
I didn't know all of that - about how you go to where you are. I feel really badly and hope I didn't upset you by drudging this all up. (Hugs)

acesup · January 2015

H and finally sat down and had a real talk about it. It has been on my mind constantly to the point of obsessing. When I am unsure of things it makes me super anxious. So I told him we need to discuss it seriously.

And he finally told me he is definitely done. He had been hoping he could get by with "we'll see" for a while and that eventually I would just teeter to his side of the fence and be done and he could just agree. Bless his heart, he hates upsetting me.

So he is absolutely 100% satisfied with 2. He feels another would be way too overwhelming and that he wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally and that the financial strain would be too much. I cannot blame him for feeling that. Hell, I have said the same thing. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't done and so when said it I just broke down. Sobbed like a baby. I feel a little bit like my heart is broken.

But I would never force him into having another so it is what it is. I have to look at the big picture that I have been so blessed with two happy healthy kiddos and a husband who loves me who is an amazing father and just enjoy them.

That chapter is closed.

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I truly enjoyed reading them all and hearing everyone's personal experiences. I really love y'all!
(I'm emotional just go with it)

acesup · January 2015

ScoutNumbers05 said:
No, really. I wouldn't talk about it if I didn't want to, I promise!

Whew ok good. Thank you so much for sharing! And I think you're right- it is important to talk about it!

My sister dealt with IF for years and eventually adopted. She was very open with people when she was going through TTC, fertility specialists, IUI, IVF, and then adoption processes. My mom always felt uncomfortable when my sister would talk about it to people and I was always like "what's the big deal? It sucks and it's life". I think it helped my sister to talk about it too.

acesup · January 2015

ScoutNumbers05 said:
acesup. I honestly think even if you were in agreement, there would be some mourning. It's a huge chapter to close.

Agreed.

Someone book me a padded room for when H gets a vasectomy because it's not going to be pretty. Lol

PrimRoseMama · January 2015

I'm not feeling done. H agreed to one more. If I had my way I'd have six lol.

flirtycuddle1984 · January 2015

I have 2 children from a previous relationship that are 10 and 8, my SO has a daughter from a previous relationship that is also 10. We have an almost 1yr together. He wanted one more and I agreed that we could try for one. The pregnancy was one big mess, high risk with unknown reasons for everything and then as the end of the pregnancy came up (after signing the tubal paperwork) I decided in a couple years maybe we could try for another so the little one would have a sibiling closer in age. He agreed and I was ready to cancel the tubal during the c-section. Then I got the flu and pneumonia and it became a serious life threatening thing. Ended up in the hospital a month, the baby in NICU a month due to the complications from birth at 36 weeks and me being sick. I missed the first 2 weeks of her life totally in a medical induced coma on a ventilator with a trache due to lung failure.

I didn't get to see the baby till she was over 3 weeks old and once I did and I started to really think about everything I knew I was done. I couldn't have another high risk pregnancy and risk my life again. My SO spent a month terrified he would lose me and the baby in one shot since him and my parents were told to start thinking of my funeral plans I wasn't going to make it. He was on board with no more babies. Since I had an emergency c-section they skipped the tubal and then my wound got infected while in the hospital so had to be re-opened and let close on its own. I was on birth control till the doctor felt like I could handle the tubal procedure and every damn month I freaked out about possibly being pregnant. My first 2 were birth control fails too. Luckly I had it done in July and don't regret it one bit. I know my body wont handle another pregnancy and I was even told at a follow up I couldn't carry another to term without serious risk to me and the baby.

I now see newborns and think aww how cute but never once does the thought of having another one cross my mind. I just know I am done for multiple reasons and no doubts about it.

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Tl;dr How did you know you're done?

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