The WAD - 1/6

mshandlebar · January 2015

Happy New Year! I hope 2015 treats us all well.

Lets hear those updates on how the adoption process is going. If you aren't actively going through the process, what are your thoughts on the adoption option?

QOTW (primarily because I am curious): Do you know anyone who was adopted, whether family, friend or random guy on the street?

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@alaskadee23 Good luck with your profile! I bet it will be great.

***Children Mentioned***

DH brought up adoption on his own after a very fun visit with our friends two LOs. One was the more generous hugger and cuddler I have ever met. He let me know that now it was easy for him to see that he would have no problem loving an adopted child like his very own, as long as they were young enough. I think he was fantasizing that the little meatball was his.

That makes me happy, because he has always said adoption would be a "final" solution far in the future if we have truly exhausted all options and he is "more mature," but I think he is realizing he is farther along that he knew in terms of being ready to love like a father. It also makes me feel better about the option of embryo adoption.

***Child and BFP mentioned***

QOTW: My mom was adopted at about a week old. Her parents tried 9 years (grandma says the only "treatment" they had and gave her was 2 or 3 HSGs to "clean out" her tubes). Of course, 6 weeks or so after the adoption was finalized, she got a natural BFP, and then another a few years later, so she has some best-case scenario ideas about IF which can make it hard to talk to her.

It's a very cool story, actually...the bio mom got pregnant in an extramarital affair, and went to another state to have an abortion, but went to the wrong OB's office (it was across the street from the office she had scheduled her abortion). The doctor she mistakenly visited offered to house her, and give her a PT job in his office if she wanted, if she would be willing to keep the baby, and so my mom was born and placed for adoption.

RN1175 · January 2015

*children mentioned*

Well, I just got a call from the county and they scheduled our first home walk through for the Foster care/Foster to adopt license we applied for. Jan 19 is the walk through. Wow, this sh*t is getting real.

I am very excited that things are moving forward even though I know this whole process takes 4 to 6 months. We have been fingerprinted and got our first set of paperwork in right before Christmas. My 3 references (close friends of mine and MH) have mailed their stuff back and now we have to get some safety stuff done around here. This is stuff that should be done already because we have a 1.5 year old and a 12 year old in the house. But, it's not so we will be doing some shopping at Home Depot and doing some work on door handles, toilet seat locks, and gates. MH is a gun collector so he will either have to buy a locked case in the next week or put his guns in storage.

I wish everyone else in this journey to foster/adopt good luck and I am rooting and thinking about all of you. Have a great day.

Forgot the QOTW. I know quite a few people that are adopted. One of my best friends growing up and her sister were both adopted. They were both happy kids and are now successful and happy adults. They had their struggles like everyone else, but, I think they appreciated their parents and loved them very much.

theholmanherd · January 2015

Well, my updates were in the weekly thread, but I a moving forward with training. I'm starting with swim lessons, CPR, and first aid. I'm excited! Though, with DH's crazy schedule, it will probably take a year to get through the process and get certified.

Q: I know several people (mostly kids) that have been adopted from foster care. One from someone other than a relative, but all the others were adopted by grandparents, aunts and uncles, and etc.

tweetyknicks · January 2015

Also lurking. I tend to research all options at once, just so I know a little about each before it becomes important.

QOTW: The best man from my wedding was adopted, and he and his wife in turn adopted two little girls through a family at his church (the girls' grandparents). A friend from high school was also adopted (she's native American).

theholmanherd · January 2015

@Rumbera28‌, I'm sorry about your cousin. Your way of handling it is perfect. There should not be any shame or secrecy in adoption for either party.

Remylove1011 · January 2015

Hi! Lurking in here as adoption is an option we've discussed. MH is very unsure about the idea of IVF and has said that if the IUI's don't work he would like us to adopt. His logic is that then you pay all the money and have a baby at the end of it (obviously much more complicated, but that's where he is at right now).

***losses mentioned***

QOTW: My mom and her two brothers were all adopted (individually, they are not biologically related). My grandmother tried for many years and had several miscarriages. Since this was back in the day (1950's) everything was not handled the best and she ended up having a hysterectomy. So my uncle, mom, and other uncle were each adopted as infants. My mom does have a lot of hard feelings about being adopted as my grandmother does have a clear preference for her older brother. She always says that they should have just adopted one if that's all they wanted (my grandma is great but definitely still always sides with my uncle who is an idiot). Probably about 5-6 years ago my mom finally decided to search for her birth parents. She found out that her parents were both 19 when she was born, of Belgian decent, and hair/eye colors. She was never able to locate her birth father, but did find her birth mother. My mom was fairly devastated when her birth mother refused to meet, and would not provide even just medical history. I guess from this I hope that if we do go down the adoption path, our children are able to meet their birth families when their older (if they want).

Edit... spaces

mshandlebar · January 2015

Glad we have some lurkers here on WAD!

@Rumbera28 - I am so sorry about your cousin, and for you having to be in that situation. I completely agree about honesty from the beginning. We have encountered some resistance from family about being so open about using a donor, but whether we adopt or end up having a donor baby, everyone deserves to know where they came from. I also feel like hiding it makes it seem like we are ashamed, which we definitely aren't.

@theholmanherd - I was excited about your updates on the other threads, and I am extra excited about them over here. I am so glad things are moving forward for you. Even if it takes awhile, it is nice to be doing something.

@RN1175 - That is awesome! I can't wait to hear how the walk through goes. Have you taken all of your training classes yet?

@NariaDreaming - Thank you for being so open. My fingers are crossed so hard for you this cycle. Although, whatever happens, WAD is here for you

@BunnyBerry - That is fantastic about your husband! It seems like you guys are on the same page lately.

@AlaskaDee23 - I am sorry you are sad. OPP are hard. Good luck with your profile and moving into the new place!

We have to finish up the online portion of our CPR training class (which is what we will probably do when I get off TB). Tomorrow we have the 2 hour final training session, and then we will be CPR certified. I have never been certified before, and I am super glad we are doing this, even if we weren't adopting. SO MUCH useful information. Next week is our first training class, and then we will really get the ball rolling. So far we have done all the paperwork up to this point and our background checks and references are in. There are 3 other training classes (which we can't schedule until we've taken the first one) and then home visits! If this cycle comes up a bust my treat to myself is going to be to really start buying stuff for a nursery. I got a Target coupon specifically for nursery stuff today, and I see this as a sign.

QOTW: My cousin is adopted. It was always very open in the family, so it never really seemed strange. I don't remember ever not knowing. That is how I would want to do it. MH boss adopted three small children. We don't know them very well, but he has been very supportive and given us a lot of information.

bumpuser5823822 · January 2015

Totally lurking because this is a door I really want to keep open in my journey. My husband was totally against it at first, but has finally turned the corner and promises me that we will have children even if we have to adopt.

I was previously always afraid to adopt. I didn't think that I could ever love another child like my own. The we adopted our puppy over a year ago and that fur ball I love like a real baby. It totally gave me the confidence that I could swing adoption. Honestly watching the Little Couple and their journey to adopt has helped me lots too. Their family is so beautiful!

One thing that does worry me is how common open adoptions are. I would want my child to have access to that part of their life (honestly I think the curiosity would drive me crazy too) but I worry about keeping up that connection. I feel like it would be similar to the child being from a previous relationship and having to share them? Maybe I'm wrong? But keeping a good relationship with someone else who will likely have such strong feelings towards my child could be very hard. What if they are a bag of crazy?

I also don't know how open I would be to children who are out of DH and I's race. I haven't felt myself out there fully.

RN1175 · January 2015

mshandlebar said:

Glad we have some lurkers here on WAD!

@Rumbera28 - I am so sorry about your cousin, and for you having to be in that situation. I completely agree about honesty from the beginning. We have encountered some resistance from family about being so open about using a donor, but whether we adopt or end up having a donor baby, everyone deserves to know where they came from. I also feel like hiding it makes it seem like we are ashamed, which we definitely aren't.

@theholmanherd - I was excited about your updates on the other threads, and I am extra excited about them over here. I am so glad things are moving forward for you. Even if it takes awhile, it is nice to be doing something.

@RN1175 - That is awesome! I can't wait to hear how the walk through goes. Have you taken all of your training classes yet?

@NariaDreaming - Thank you for being so open. My fingers are crossed so hard for you this cycle. Although, whatever happens, WAD is here for you

@BunnyBerry - That is fantastic about your husband! It seems like you guys are on the same page lately.

@AlaskaDee23 - I am sorry you are sad. OPP are hard. Good luck with your profile and moving into the new place!

We have to finish up the online portion of our CPR training class (which is what we will probably do when I get off TB). Tomorrow we have the 2 hour final training session, and then we will be CPR certified. I have never been certified before, and I am super glad we are doing this, even if we weren't adopting. SO MUCH useful information. Next week is our first training class, and then we will really get the ball rolling. So far we have done all the paperwork up to this point and our background checks and references are in. There are 3 other training classes (which we can't schedule until we've taken the first one) and then home visits! If this cycle comes up a bust my treat to myself is going to be to really start buying stuff for a nursery. I got a Target coupon specifically for nursery stuff today, and I see this as a sign.

QOTW: My cousin is adopted. It was always very open in the family, so it never really seemed strange. I don't remember ever not knowing. That is how I would want to do it. MH boss adopted three small children. We don't know them very well, but he has been very supportive and given us a lot of information.

We haven't taken any classes yet. This first walk through is with the Social worker actually. So we will get to chat with her while she looks at our house.
I have heard that I may be driving up to 1.5 hours for some of the classes. I hope I can do some online at least. I actually need to renew my CPR for my RN license so that's 2 for 1 deal right there!

Remylove1011 · January 2015

NariaDreaming said:

*snip*
This is one of my favorite open adoption blogs: https://www.therhouse.com/

Literally just balled my eyes out reading/looking at pictures of their new baby girl. Love this Naria!

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@rn1175 Good luck with the walk through!

mshandlebar · January 2015

I told myself I was going to wait until after work to read that blog. I caved. So amazing! Thanks for sharing @NariaDreaming‌!

wanderlust508 · January 2015

@NariaDreaming - Ugh that blog ....more happy tears over here

I love how connected the birth mother and the adoptive mother instantly were with each other. So heartwarming.

Does anyone listen to a podcast called The Moth? It has several story tellers per episode who share their own unique story. You can find it on the Stitcher radio app. On the Dec 16 episode (which is still available along with other past episodes) a woman tells her story of adopting a boy from Africa. It is so touching (seriously, I shouldn't have listened to it at work!! Had to run to the bathroom to wipe some tears). Highly recommend it for a perspective on international adoption.

AFM, I am lurking to see where everyone else is in the adoption process. And possibly consider it for myself at some point. I like reading and learning through this thread. I feel that I probably have a lot of misconceptions about adoption that make me shy away from it. One of my biggest fears comes from the birth mother having the opportunity to back out (48 hours or so after the birth of a newborn?). My heart hurts just thinking about that possibility. But I think I need to read more because I may have a total misconception in terms of how often that happens.

Good luck to everyone who is on this journey - and I look forward to reading/lurking more.

redandblue · January 2015

@bunnyberry That's great that you and YH are on the same page. It is great that YH is becoming more open about ways to expand your family. GL to you!

@NariaDreaming thanks for sharing about you being adopted. I am sure I will have many questions about openness as we journey further into this process! Also thank you so much for sharing that blog! It is incredible to see that family and their approach to raising their family! I do believe that families are made up in all different ways, with so many different members and I love how they consider and view all the BM as members of their family. Reading that blog makes me wish I had the resources to consider DIA, to be able to have the relationship with the BM and LO from birth would be amazing!

@RN1175 GL with your walk through! It does start to make it all real!

@mshandlebar Yay for almost being done your CPR! I'm am excited that you are starting your training the same night as us! I am very curious to know how different the training might be from Canada to your state. I love that you are starting to buy for the nursery! It is exciting to finally be at a place where you can feel you can begin to move forward with this parenting thing!

@w+c3 I agree with PP that there are varying levels of openness. I know in our training that will be a topic of discussion and will help us to understand this better. I believe that it is important to have the children's best interest in mind always, so if the situation is unsafe, then the level of openness should reflect that. However I believe it is very important for the children to know and understand where they come from. I am looking forward to learning more about this topic in our training.

AFM We begin our training next week! We are super excited that we were able to get in so quickly! We have been very busy with renovating our extra bedrooms for our LO. It has been exciting to do this and start to organize our house! It is a little bit harder at this point, because we do not know much about who our LO is. We are considering foster to adopt, so the age range may vary. I think at this point we are going to be focusing on under 6 years, but who know where this journey will take us! It's exciting and scary all at the same time! With getting the bedroom ready, it was difficult to decide on the simplest of things, like wall colour. Knowing that I will repaint again when they arrive, I decided to use a grey we had left over from an accent wall in our living room. DH had his medical appointment and forms completed. I go on the 19th for my appointment. We have to finish a couple pieces of paperwork, but we do have some time for that.

QOTW: I have a colleague who has adopted a child through a foster to adopt placement. I also have a friend of a friend who adopted a little guy from Haiti. Both presented with their own unique joys and challenges.

mshandlebar · January 2015

Well that didn't go as planned. We got about half way to the CPR class and had to turn around because of the weather (we are currently getting bitch slapped by some cold and snow). We rescheduled for next week, so it isn't a huge deal, but I was looking forward to checking this off the list. As a consolation prize we went to Target to look at nursery stuff (MH suggested we do the nursery in a "disco inferno" theme). And then ordered takeout.

@EasyBayBride508 - The fear of a disruption is one of the things that kept me away from adoption for so long. I didn't think I could handle it after going through so much with IF. Naria is right, though, a post-placement disruption is not extremely common, and some states have 24-36 hour limits on when the birth mother can change her mind. With foster to adopt, we could be placed with a high risk child (which actually just means high risk of a disruption, not behavior or anything), and our casework said that in those cases there is a 75% chance that there will be no complications. At this point, I just gotta believe it will all work out.

@redandblue - the 14th is gonna be amazing!

bumpuser5823822 · January 2015

NariaDreaming said:

w+c3 said:

Totally lurking because this is a door I really want to keep open in my journey. My husband was totally against it at first, but has finally turned the corner and promises me that we will have children even if we have to adopt.
I was previously always afraid to adopt. I didn't think that I could ever love another child like my own. The we adopted our puppy over a year ago and that fur ball I love like a real baby. It totally gave me the confidence that I could swing adoption. Honestly watching the Little Couple and their journey to adopt has helped me lots too. Their family is so beautiful!
One thing that does worry me is how common open adoptions are. I would want my child to have access to that part of their life (honestly I think the curiosity would drive me crazy too) but I worry about keeping up that connection. I feel like it would be similar to the child being from a previous relationship and having to share them? Maybe I'm wrong? But keeping a good relationship with someone else who will likely have such strong feelings towards my child could be very hard. What if they are a bag of crazy?

Having been on both sides of openness, I HIGHLY recommend it. It does eliminate some of the heartache and soul-searching of the teenage years (especially). As to the bolded- yes, there are some circumstances that its best to limit contact, but honestly being able to know where I came from has made such a difference in my outlook on life.

And from a selfish/IF standpoint, reuiniting with my birth family gave me the siblings that my parents were never able to give me (they had a hellish IF journey and didn't adopt me until they were quite older).

This is one of my favorite open adoption blogs: https://www.therhouse.com/

Thank you for the insight! I will for sure read up on that blog!

bumpuser5823822 · January 2015

packerfan4life said:

*******siggy warning*********

@w+c3 - There are different levels of openness in adoption. No matter what level of openness you have, you are still the child's parent and make any and all decisions for the child. I would guess that the most common form of DIA is semi-open which can mean different things but typically is exchanging letters through an agency or lawyer. In this form of adoption the parties do not know each others' addressees or things like that. There may or may not be scheduled get togethers. But unless otherwise set up by birth and adoptive families all communication goes through a third party.

Personally I think open or semi-open adoption is the way to go. The important thing to remember is that whatever you do should be in the best interest of the child. Knowing their medical history and knowing about their biologic roots, I think, is helpful. If anything I wish our adoption was more, not less open, but I'm so grateful that as our daughter grows up we do have some information to share with her about her birth family. And I certainly appreciate the hardships that L's birth mom has to go through and why our level of openness is what it is. Even my H who was initially skeptical of open adoption was so glad we had a chance to meet our daughter's birth mom.

We do also have a transracial adoption. We did not have any preference on ethnicity. Currently we haven't faced any issues because of it, but I'm sure they will come up. I am certainly no expert and I actually look forward to educating myself more on race issues as L grows up. That said, it's certainly not for everyone and I think you just have to be honest with yourself about what will work for your family.

Really appreciate you sharing your insight with me @Packersfan4life!

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@mshandlebar Is "disco infernal" for real or a joke? Sorry I couldn't tell and I'm just trying to imagine it!!

deelopi9 · January 2015

lurker here :::waving hi::: DH is also hesitant/resistant to IVF and he recently brought up adoption. I'm in a phase where I want to first finish treatment w/RE and close that chapter before opening myself up to adoption. I still want to start the research and be knowledgeable.

Edited - forgot QOTW: I don't know of anyone who was adopted.

mshandlebar · January 2015

BunnyBerry said:
@mshandlebar Is "disco infernal" for real or a joke? Sorry I couldn't tell and I'm just trying to imagine it!!

I can't imagine it either. I asked him to clarify and he said a disco ball mobile and lots of polyester. I generally assume anything he says is a joke, but I'm still going to be keeping an eye on his purchases!

@deelopi9‌ - I hope you get some good information and inspiration from this thread

bumpuser5823822 · January 2015

This is one of my favorite open adoption blogs: https://www.therhouse.com/

Holy Tears @Naria Dreaming! So sweet. I added this woman to my Bloglovin!

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