Mediocre Dad...Rant. — The Bump
August 2014 Moms

Mediocre Dad...Rant.

Let me start by saying I LOVE my DH, but I can't take him any more!  We RARELY fought before DS and now I'm a nagging b*&^$ and I'm sorry but I feel completely justified in my behavior! DH and I had actually contemplated him quitting his job and becoming a SAH Dad when we found out I was PG.  I'm the major bread winner in the family and DH said he would like to raise our children.  In the end we decided it just was not financially feasible.  But I wonder if it would have changed anything...?  I thought DH was going to be the best dad in the world, he LOVES kids (had coached "little league" soccer for years even though he didn't have kids) and he was a wonderful and motivated husband that all my friends were jealous of me for having. And then came DS!

I feel like my life has been flipped upside down, EVERYTHING has changed!  DS is my life and I would do anything for him.  And DH loves our son too, but not at all in the way I thought he would.  The TV seems to be more interesting than DS's smiles, and taking 10 min. to rock his son before he goes down for a nap is out of the question.  DH wants DS to do things his way, and seems entirely inflexible to the whims of a baby.  In many ways I'm so disappointed in him as a father.  But it doesn't end there...he's become lazy with the housework as well.  I do EVERYTHING and I'm F*$%in Tired! 

DH and I got into a big fight this morning because I snapped at him for something and he asked why I have been such a bitch I told him.  I laid everything out on the table as far as needing help around the house, and needing him to pay attention to the things that need to be done instead of just leaving them for me to take care of when I get home from work, and he just gave me excuses for everything.  And then I did it...I called him a "Mediocre Dad", I know it hurt him and I tried to back track a bit, but it is the truth.  I'm so disappointed in him as a father and a husband right now and to top it off I'm so sick my bitchy self...I just don't know what to do.

DH's mother (from Portugal) has been staying with us for the past 3 months and leaves on Friday; I know she has been a huge stressor and I hope things turn around once she is gone, but I have my doubts.  I know advice on here is always to be honest with our men and ask for what we want because they aren't mind readers, but I feel like DH and I are honest with each other and have been "talking" until we are blue in the face and he's just not changing.  And as far as asking him to do things...yes he will do them when I ask, but WHY DO I HAVE TO ASK?  When you grab a coffee cup from the locked dishwasher; you obviously know the dishes are clean so why can't you empty it?  He never used to do shit like my To Do List is exponentially larger with a baby and he's acting like another child that I need to pick up after. 

Sorry for the novel...all suggestions are appreciated!


Re: Mediocre Dad...Rant.

  • I know you've been having a hard time with his mom being around...glad to hear she'll be gone soon and you can hopefully relax a little!!

    I feel you. My DH means well, but he just doesn't realize how much work goes into having our house as nice as I keep it. It's a lot of hard work, timing, organization, etc and I get no help with it. Sometimes I wish I had to go away for a solid month, because them maybe he'd realize just how much work it takes! But then again, he doesn't even realize half the things I do. Like the stains on the countertops, the toothpaste stuck in the sink, the stained toilet, the carpet needs vacuumed, stuff needs I'd probably come back to a disgusting house because he simply doesn't realize it.

    Love him like crazy, but I wish the TV and phone were gone and maybe he'd realize life outside of that.

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  • I know the feeling. I had the exact argument last night. Him being so unhelpful adds to my unhappiness and this morning a totally different person. But why do I have to say something for you to change? Let's see how long it lasts because this is not the first time.
  • Can you Budget for a house cleaner and see if you have peapod delivery in your neighborhood?? It'll take some of the stress off both of you!
  • I just tell my self I'm not going to be the one missing out on these precious moments you'll never get back.

    This exactly!  Thank you ALL for your support!!!!  It is so hard for me to believe DH and I are in this situation, we were always accused of being the perfect couple.  Friends had "prepared" me for a child changing our marriage, but I didn't think it would be this difficult, and I'm so confused that DH doesn't WANT to be more involved with DS.  I think what PP's have said might be true...that it will get easier for DH once DS is a little older and more self sufficient and can interact more. 

    I know the MIL situation has us both at our wits end and Kandreas1 I think you are right that with her around he has reverted to being a child himself a little bit (for God sake she cuts his meat up for him)!  It is almost over...

    Peedy - I checked out peapod and they don't have it in my area...BOO!  I totally would have done that!  We had discussed a house cleaner before DS was born but decided against it.  And honestly it isn't the "deep" cleaning I have a problem with; it is the day to day "I don't want to live in a pigsty" type housework that I would appreciate a little assistance with!  Oh did I mention my H is a custodian/maintenance man at an elementary school???  His job is to CLEAN!!!!!!!! 

  • I'm sorry. My H is similar. He does take time to play with the girls but if he is trapped in the Internet or TV he tends to miss a lot.

    As a PP stated, I just choose to not miss those moments. He will have to deal with the regret. Not me.
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I can't believe your MIL is still around. I remember your posting about it a while back. I get that she's in from another country but just not having your home to yourself for a few days is stressful. I think it will help a lot to not have MIL around. I'm certain that adds quite a bit of tension for all 3 of your lives.

    I agree with PP that said he will probably become much more involved when LO is older based on his history with LL and such. Not that it's an excuse- because it's not. I'm just really hoping this is the case for you.

    I had to have a talk with H about helping with some of the daily musts. He is generally pretty good about helping with weekly/monthly chores(and he is better about picking up after himself than I am) but then will freak out about a pile of stuff on our desk. I explained that he needs to pay attention to what is immediate and just do it. Most of the stuff doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. Or ask me if he can help with it or anything in particular because I know the things that aren't getting done but am not always able to get to them. It's just that I'm lucky to get 1 thing done that's on my list every day. I focused on the fact that he's so good at keeping things picked up and going through his to-do list but I need help with the daily musts. He understood- I think. He's been emptying the dishwasher a whole lot more lately.

  • MandMLeonaMandMLeona member
    edited January 2015

    If it makes you feel any better, he probably feels the same way.  Things aren't how he expected them to be either.  He had no idea that a baby was so needy or be so hard to figure out.  My DH was very similar with our first.  At about 2 he gets truly comfortable with them.  Honestly, I think he thinks it's a great accomplishment to get through a day without having to hold a baby.  :((

    Have you left him alone with the baby for a few hours?  That's what it took for my DH to realize it's a constant job and cleaning is very difficult while taking care of a baby.  So he started stepping up.  He does most of the dishes and laundry and a lot of the cooking.

    And you are a saint to allow MIL to still be with you.  My MIL lives 14 hours away and is still not allowed to stay more than one night in our house.

  • I am the slobby one in my marriage and my husband can't stand when things are dirty, so he picks up a lot of slack on housework. What drives me nuts sometimes is now that we're both back to work, I'm still expected to get up every time with the baby. Sometimes he doesn't need to be fed, just soothed, but the MOTN is still my responsibility solely somehow and I'm not getting anywhere near as much rest as I need to, between teething and growth spurts and everything else. I think it's good that you guys had the discussion you did, and I would just keep being clear and firm that you need more help. Sometimes guys really need to hear something many times before it truly sinks in. 
    Southern California
    Together for six years, married for five
    BFP 12/06/13 - EDD 8/11/14 
    BABY BOY born 8/14/14!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I agree that it seems like his behavior has something to do with his mom being there. I just feel so bad for you adjusting to a completely new life with your MIL around. No one needs that extra stress!

    first son stillborn 7/20/13 at 39 weeks due to Acute Fatty Liver of Pregnancy
    It's a girl! Baby Anna was born August 3, 2014!

  • Sorry you are dealing with it. We have a small technology problem at our house too but we both need to unwind so I try to let it go.

    But some men struggle with the infant stage. My brother (while not a father) is a lot better with my toddler than with my infant. He didn't like the baby stage but is all about the toddler stage. They often fear they will break them, don't know what to do with them, since they can't tell them what they need a lot of men struggle with knowing how to handle their needs.
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker

  • My DH can be difficult sometimes as well. He like many of the men talked about enjoys technology and he will make LO wait an extra minute or so when he wakes up from a nap because he needs to save a game, finish a level and watch on instant replay and this drives me insane. I also feel at times he can be lazy I am the one constantly washing bottles and doing laundry. I was exhausted last night and asked him to wash bottles since he was staying up so I didn't have to do it in the am and I get up this morning and they are still in the sink dirty. Even when I am upset I try and remember this has been a big adjustment to our lives and sometimes it takes some people longer to adjust than others. Things have gotten better as DS gets older. My inlaws live 2 hours away and visit monthly and that is when we usually argue the most so things may be very different when she leaves.

  • You are definitely not alone! I was completely taken aback the changes DD had on my marriage. I had no idea how difficult the first 8 months would be and was completely unprepared. Its amazing the havoc that sleep depravation, PPD and just the huge lifestyle change of having a baby caused my marriage.

    Things started to get better around 8 months and dramatically improved when DD was around 1. As DD got older and more interactive, DH wanted to be more involved. He loves to spend time with her and they go on a "date" every weekend. I would have been shocked if you would have told me when she was six months old that he would be doing things like this now. Just because your DH isn't the father you envisioned he'd be now doesn't mean that he will never be.

    I would also get frustrated about the division of labor and childcare and there are moments now when I still do sometimes. I have found that making lists works for us. It sounds a little juvenile but I give him a list of things that need to be done over the weekend. Its up to him when he gets them done as long as it gets finished before we go to work Monday am. I'm not sure if its in your budget but  it may be worth hiring someone to come and clean to lighten the load and help you maintain your sanity.

    @lizziebennett made a great point about affection being displaced after baby. As difficult as all the changes after baby are for us, it is also difficult on them. I have also tried to make an effort to praise DH when he is doing something with the baby and also let him know how much I appreciate when he does X,Y and Z. I have also noticed that he is more involved after I do this.

    Also remember that this is just a phase. As your DS gets older his needs will change and he will sleep better. It is amazing how much better everything is when you are able to consistently sleep well. Hang in there, it will get better! Hugs!

    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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