Ready or not?

mpdxz · January 2015

Hi all!

I am new to this site, but came here to see if anyone shared the fears and anxieties I'm starting to have about starting a family, or if anyone has any words of wisdom to offer.

My husband (33) and I (28) have been married for 6 months and have been together over 5 years. We both earn modest middle-class incomes, we own a 4-bedroom house, we a decent amount of funds in our savings account. We have a fantastic relationship - we do everything together, we thoroughly enjoy our 'date nights', and we both make each other's happiness a priority. We have honestly never fought before, which I chalk up to great communication between us. We have small arguments but we always hash them out pretty quickly, and they are honestly over petty things like disagreements on home decor. In my opinion, we are an amazing team.

I started to feel 'ready' for a child about a year ago. When I started having these feelings, I brought them up to him, and he somewhat felt the same way, but had his reservations, just because of finances and feelings about whether or not we were ready to no longer be eachother's priority. In the year that has passed, we talk about having kids often, and his fears faded and we both became pretty excited about the thoughts of conceiving, and we planned to start 'trying' in Spring of this year.

Last week I read an article about how having children absolutely demolishes your marriage - how it either changes it completely for the worse, or ruins it entirely. Of course, bringing a life into this world naturally means your attention becomes divided, your priorities change, etc. But reading this article put the fear of God into me and made me question whether or not we are actually ready for this. I feel like we have a strong relationship that can endure almost anything. We have survived my mother being extremely ill with lung cancer, where we had to take care of her, and eventually grieve her passing together. We have lived through the stress of extensive home renovations. Can we make it with children?! I'm starting to worry that maybe we aren't ready for this kind of change in our relationship. But... will we ever be ready for that? I don't know. Any advice would be appreciated!

dirtywordplay · January 2015

I don't have kids yet, but I have considered how it will change our relationship. I think that open communication and an ability to talk through stressors before you get to the breaking point is a huge part of it. Having kids will absolutely change your relationship, but I don't think it has to be for the worst.

paigeed · January 2015

I am in the same boat as you. I've been thinking about it for a year and DH wasn't ready. So I've been waiting patiently and we talk about it occasionally.

Recently though I am wondering if we are strong enough for this. What if he decides he's ready solely because he wants to make me happy? What if we have a baby and then he still wants to live life the way we do (which is good, just doesn't involve baby-related tasks).

I've been wanting to talk with him about my fears for a few weeks now. Everytime I bring up kids though he listens and then jokes a little because he isn't ready yet. I don't expect my H to be ready yet, but hopefully talking through my fears will help. Maybe you could do that too.

mrsh82414 · January 2015

So I also do not have any children as of yet, but here are my thoughts.

1. Yes it will change your relationship, but if you have a great relationship now I would hope you would be able to work through any possible issues that may arise. Why not discuss expectations for after baby now? This seems to be the issue I have seen through friends and family. Just make sure you are on the same page as far as who takes primary care of children, chores, pets, whether or not you plan to still go out and do things, etc. I plan to be a SAHM, but my husband knows that for the first 4 weeks or so aside from caring for the baby all day and making dinner for him, to not expect much else. He knows he will need to share cleaning responsibilities and help with the baby.

2. If having kids completely ruins your marriage and will cause divorce, why have my grandparents been married 52 years and my own parents for 30? They are both extremely happy and still do everything together. I think its silly to put off TTC for such a reason.

mpdxz · January 2015

Thanks everyone.

As I re-read my post and your comments, it becomes more evident to me that I guess I am looking for more re-assurance that it's possible to having children while still having a healthy and happy marriage. I know it's possible, I guess we have just both seen couples our age (or even not) whose relationship has worsened after having children. Were children the cause? Probably not. Did they add stress to pre-existing problems? Probably. I think that @mrsh82414 and @ladynymeria are right - staying on the same page (or at least trying) and communication are key.

bumpuser794640 · January 2015

Children undoubtedly bring their own special kinds of stress into a marriage. I will say that parenting had really only made our relationship more important, and while we have more spats than we used to, our marriage has not been damaged at all. Of course, we only have one child and have only been parenting for a year. Everyone handles these changes differently. MH and I have been a couple for 14.5 years and married for 8.5, so we had a lit of time to figure things out before our kid came into the mix.

ProfEDD · January 2015

If you're interested in actual research about what having kids does to parents, there's an excellent book out called All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior. Here is the link to the NY times review: https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/books/review/all-joy-and-no-fun-by-jennifer-senior.html?_r=0. It validated SO many of my feelings as a mother.

FWIW, our DS is only a toddler but our marriage is as strong as ever. From your description of your relationship, it sounds like you guys will be fine. Just keep prioritizing the marriage.

jnnfrrose6 · January 2015

Having not read the article you referenced, to me it sounds like a load of crap. Do kids change your relationship? Yes. Does that mean it changes it for the worse? Not necessarily. Sure, there are couples out there who discover the challenges and stress of raising children is too much for their relationship, but there are plenty of couples who also find it brings them together and makes their relationship with each other that much stronger. Having kids is tough. Early on you're struggling with just surviving on little sleep and all the joys that having an infant brings you. Then you're trying to figure out how to reign in a 2 year old testing their (and your) limits, and from there, who knows (I'm only up to the 2 year old part). None of this means it will "demolish" your marriage. Do my husband and I argue? Yes. Do we come together because we know deep down we love each other, our family, and everything that that encompasses? Yes. I think the most important thing is to not go into starting your family with some blind expectation that things won't change (which it sounds like you've got) and to make sure you've got a solid foundation of communication, love, and respect so that you can get through the tough times.

mpdxz · January 2015

I think I need to point out that the article I read was not any sort of peer-reviewed, scholarly article. it was more of a Huffington Post "article", and it was not just the text itself but the comments on it that I read that scared the crap out of me. The comments almost unanimously agreed that having children has ruined their relationship with their husbands, and the words "affair", "couples therapy" and "divorce" were repeated more than I would have expected by different posters. I talked to my husband about it when we were having drinks together on NYE, and he said that undoubtedly having children will change our marriage, but that waiting to have kids out of fear of change would literally be just that - a wait, or a delay. Waiting doesn't lessen the odds of that change from happening.

Your comments are all helping to alleviate my fears! None of my close friends have children yet, and I lost my mom recently, so I really don't have a lot of women close to me to talk to about this.

bumpuser794640 · January 2015

And FWIW, there's nothing wrong with couples therapy. It is good that people recognized the need for it, and you should know it is a great option I'd you ever need it for yourself.

mpdxz · January 2015

Oh, I'm not bashing couples therapy at all. If people need it, I think it's a great resource. It was the fact that after having kids, parent's relationships disintegrated to the point that couple's therapy was necessary which scared me @GnomeSweetGnome.

rayschicky · January 2015

mpdxz said:
Oh, I'm not bashing couples therapy at all. If people need it, I think it's a great resource. It was the fact that after having kids, parent's relationships disintegrated to the point that couple's therapy was necessary which scared me @GnomeSweetGnome.

Fwiw, going to couples therapy (or therapy in general) does not mean something is broken. I go to the dentist once a year for a cleaning and check in - doesn't mean I have Tooth decay. Likewise, I go to counselling twice a month. Not because I am suffering from stress/mental illness but because it is a part of my health regimen now

hillp0w · January 2015

Hi! I currently have an almost 3 year old and we are starting to consider TTC #2. DD was unplanned as I was on bcp. Although we were in out mid twenties, SO and I were not ready. I had a bad job and he had just had surgery and couldn't work.

It was hard. It was so incredibly stressful. Add on the hormones and it was so hard. There were days I wished he would leave me so I wouldn't have to take care of him. I was resentful that he couldn't support us finically. I was resentful about most things involving him. It was so hard the first year. I think we nearly hated eachother for a while.

It started to get better around 18 months and had gotten much better ever since. We both have good jobs now which has taken away so much stress. SO enjoys DD more now that's she's older and more fun, so a lot of the child care is balanced between both of us where it wasn't before. We still struggle. Sex is the biggest issue for us. My sex drive is nothing like it was before DD and my confidence is lacking bc I haven't lost all the pregnancy weight. I am really working on it, and SO seems happy with the progress.

Obviously my situation is different than others, but I feel like we've finally come out of the darkness. I'm hopeful that a future (planned) pregnancy won't be as hard as the first one since our circumstances are so different. I'm not so naive to think it will be all sunshine and roses, but we have learned a lot about eachother and still love eachother dearly, so there's hope for us yet.

DontMakeMeAdult0903 · January 2015

You are I are in the same boat. DH and I were married in October but we have been dating since 2009. He is more ready for kids than I am but I want them...I'm just nervous about being a bad parent because I work so many hours. Aside from that, we have a great relationship and I don't want to add any strain because I may be prepping for trial while he's forced to handle diaper duty and daycare pick ups. Anyway, we have prayed and we have discussed. I started taking prenatals, we are going to tour the birthing center I like and we are also going to look at daycares so that we can get on the waitlists as they tend to fill up quickly in my area. I'll officially go off the pill April/May. Good luck to you and your journey!!

DontMakeMeAdult0903 · January 2015

My girlfriend and her husband got pregnant one month after trying. (She was born this past November). They applied for 3 waitlists and all were 12-15 months. She is going with one that she liked but wasn't a favorite as she goes back to work later this month and it was the only one that could fit her in. DH and I just discussed it after talking with her about an hour ago and we are going to get on waitlists in March.

jnnfrrose6 · January 2015

We were on a list for DS until his first birthday (didn't get on it until he was born because we didn't find the school until then, we were on lists for others earlier). In the meantime we used a second choice place. When I got pregnant with DD, the DC director was the 3rd person to know (after the hubs and my trainer) so we'd have a place when we needed it.

Kaelynn91 · January 2015

Having kids definitely changes your relationship, but whether it is in a good way or a bad way is completely up to you. My husband and I have two daughters that are 17 months apart. It has been very challenging to raise them these past few years. In fact, it is just utterly exhausting most days. However, I feel like our love for each other as spouses has only grown. We cherish the simple quiet moments together more than ever and we are very intentional about setting up date nights each week and about planning our anniversary getaway for just the two of us. I appreciate my husband more than ever and seeing him grow into the role of becoming a Dad has just been the sexiest thing ever.

My advice is to continue to prioritize your relationship with your husband even after you have kids. Plan a date night every week and strive to spend time together at evening when the little one is asleep. It is possible that having kids will strengthen your relationship more than ever before! That has been my experience. It is certainly possible!

Chichigo · January 2015

Couples therapy isn't a bad thing. Reaching out for help if your communication breaks down can strengthen the relationship.

Dana831 · January 2015

I have a kid and I suggest going into it very prepared and maybe you can avoid the pitfalls. Typically a woman's sex drive dramatically depreciates after having children. Her body has done what it was meant to do, so it stops feeling the need for sex. This can cause problems, whether spoken or unspoken. Men who aren't getting enough sex in the marriage can never say anything about it but hide resentment or feel they don't have to do certain things now either (cuddling, affection, date nights, chores, etc.) Many people don't realize that good conversation also declines after having a baby, mostly when that baby becomes a toddler. Every conversation is interrupted by crying, or "mommy I want this", or a big spill, or blatant efforts for attention by the toddler. Many moms I know also become baby obsessed. All they think about, talk about, and want to do is things involving the baby. Or they become OCD. I know a mom who didn't have a date night with her hubby until one year after the baby was born because she didn't feel comfortable with using a babysitter yet. Different parenting styles is a big primary factor for fights. Be ready to have a negotiation and compromise system. You both deserve a say...yes that's right, even your husband deserves a say in baby care.

Mysterious_wife · January 2015

"Ready or not, here I come, you can't hide Gonna find you and take it slowly Ready or not, here I come, you can't hide Gonna find you and make you want me"

I can't be the only one who thought this, right?

Back to the OP. H and I have become stronger now that DD is older. The first two years were rough. Lack of sleep will strain anyone. I think you can work o your relationship and not make it hell. Communication is key.

BluesGal10 · January 2015

We don't have children yet, either, but after looking at both sets of parents (and grandparents), I can honestly say that your relationship will only go under if you let it. In talking to DH about TTC next year, the fears and worries I have were about morning sickness, delivery, recovery after delivery, sleep deprivation, etc. Never did I ever even think our relationship will be in jeopardy, because I know it won't. If you have a good base (and it sounds like you do), then you'll be fine. Roll with the punches.

armandos_girl · January 2015

I wouldn't say it ruined my marriage, but it has changed it significantly. Before our 2nd was born, someone told me that having a second takes even the slightest crack in your marriage and magnifies it. Granted, she was specifically referring to having 2u2 (which we had as well), not just having 2 kids.

That being said, it was true for us for the first 2 years of DS2's life. It wasn't easy, but we weathered through it and we found a new way to communicate. Is it always puppies and rainbows these days? Nope. But we've learned to give each other some grace and I think our relationship goes a lot deeper now that we have gone through the fire than it was before kids.

PDXtbird · January 2015

I'm in the couples therapy is awesome camp. Our relationship- pretty much every aspect of it- is better now than it was before DS came, though I attribute that to both of us chilling out and realizing that nitpicking about every little thing was just not worth the time and effort. I love him more for co-parenting with him as well. It is what you make of it, not what some blog post says it is.

That said, I also believe in being married for a while before taking the plunge and really making sure that having a baby is as much about wanting to have a baby with that person as it is your biological clock.

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