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Blended Families
LadyAnnibal
member
Baby Mama Child Manipulation
LadyAnnibal
member
My SS is 4 years old. He calls me by my name or sometimes he slips up and calls me mommy. Either way I don't mind, he's four and I love him. Before he leaves to go back with his mom I always tell him to give me some "love" (hugs and kisses) and he does so, excitedly.
One day his mother comes and picks him up from my fiance's job and I don't get to hug him or say good bye because she snatches him away from us. He's playing Angry Birds on my phone because that's his favorite thing to do and his mom doesn't notice. Once he struggles with her she finally stops, snatches the phone from him and shoves It at my fiance.
Fast forward; a week ago we picked him up from daycare and he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and told me he was doing great in school. Every night before bed I tell him I love him and he just stares back at me. Finally, not understanding the reaction I ask if he loves me too. He says, "my mommy says I'm not allowed to love you." It broke my heart and I just laid in bed crying. At the end of the visit, he tossed my phone back at me when we were down the street from his house. I asked him to give me some love like usual and shook his head no and said, "my mommy said you can't kiss me." I nodded and gave him a hug and told him I'd see him next weekend.
I know there is nothing I can do because he isn't my son but it sucks. I love this little boy more than life. I pack his lunches, I buy his clothes, I take him out and he's been restricted by a jealous mom so that he can't even express how he feels. My fiance and I are expecting a baby in July and I'm afraid to tell my SS because I don't want his mother keeping him away from us. There is no court ordered custody just child support. She has already told us she is being this way because she is mad that my SO didn't go back out with her, even though she left him.
I guess I just needed to let that out. I try talking to my SO and he doesn't really get it.
One day his mother comes and picks him up from my fiance's job and I don't get to hug him or say good bye because she snatches him away from us. He's playing Angry Birds on my phone because that's his favorite thing to do and his mom doesn't notice. Once he struggles with her she finally stops, snatches the phone from him and shoves It at my fiance.
Fast forward; a week ago we picked him up from daycare and he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and told me he was doing great in school. Every night before bed I tell him I love him and he just stares back at me. Finally, not understanding the reaction I ask if he loves me too. He says, "my mommy says I'm not allowed to love you." It broke my heart and I just laid in bed crying. At the end of the visit, he tossed my phone back at me when we were down the street from his house. I asked him to give me some love like usual and shook his head no and said, "my mommy said you can't kiss me." I nodded and gave him a hug and told him I'd see him next weekend.
I know there is nothing I can do because he isn't my son but it sucks. I love this little boy more than life. I pack his lunches, I buy his clothes, I take him out and he's been restricted by a jealous mom so that he can't even express how he feels. My fiance and I are expecting a baby in July and I'm afraid to tell my SS because I don't want his mother keeping him away from us. There is no court ordered custody just child support. She has already told us she is being this way because she is mad that my SO didn't go back out with her, even though she left him.
I guess I just needed to let that out. I try talking to my SO and he doesn't really get it.
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Re: Baby Mama Child Manipulation
It's insanely hard because he is constantly talking about how much he loves and misses his son, yet I can't get him to take the action needed. There is only so much I can do and it's hard for me to not snap at him when he's in the car depressed after we drop him off at home.
"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
We had SS for the weekend and Sunday night when we went to take him home he bawled. He begged us not to take him to his mom's house. He said he told her that he wanted to live with daddy and he got a beating, that she always tells him to go away because she's doing homework, that she's really mean to him.
The worse part is once again there is nothing I can physically do, it's all up to his dad to get the ball rolling and I know because he is only 4 a judge won't listen to him in court.
Thanks for all your advice, ladies. I'll see if I can't keep pushing him. He seems to think that everything will just play out if he does x,y, and z, but doesn't understand what he has to do to get there.
I am sorry but it is not your job to do the research and tell him what to do. He is the dad and if he doesn't want to be manipulated or wants to secure his relationship with his child then he should be doing the research and making the effort to do it. Nothing irks me more than girlfriends and fiancés trying to take over in regards to dealing with their BF's kids and exes.
It is not your job to do the research and tell him what to do. He is the dad and if he doesn't want to be manipulated or wants to secure his relationship with his child then he should be doing the research and making the effort to do it. Nothing irks me more than girlfriends and fiancés trying to take over in regards to dealing with their BF's kids and exes.
But you have to realize that you cannot force him to be the dad you want him to be and take the responsibility and action you think he should (although your instincts about what should be done are correct). He has to do it on his own, take his own initiative.
Looking up information for him is one thing, but pushing him to take action he does not want to do on his own is not setting things up well for your future.
I hope he is a more motivated father for your child.
In the mean time, all you can do is control your relationship with SS. It's a hard pill to swallow, but the quicker you do, the better you'll be able to navigate the future storms.
Good luck.
@dmndsr4eva I'm not trying to MAKE him do anything. I'm trying to help him through this. He confided in me and told me what he wanted, I'm just trying to help him make it a reality. I'm not telling him what to do. I did my research and I give him advice. I'm not trying to take over anything. Had he never come to me saying he wanted to figure out how to get his son/spend more time with him then I wouldn't have bothered.
He is ALLOWING this woman to manipulate him and it does not have yo be this way.
By not having a CO he is hurting his son. And it will only get worse.
Also after thought- how does he have a child support order but no custody order? I don't what state you live in but where I live they somewhat work hand in hand. Example: BM technically has primary physical because she has more calender days out of the year with SD so child support is more than it would be if it were an even 50/50 physical custody. There's also other factors such as medical and dental coverage and daycare, not just income.
The whole point of a custody order is for the best interest of the child/ren involved which is why they change when the home circumstances change. If your SO isn't going to step up then his legal rights aren't going to matter because BM is doing all the work, and that's definitely how the court system will see it if she moves to a different state and he didn't attempt to do anything to make sure he still had time with his child.